He’s probably not everything I’ve ever wanted
Pompous and overbold, he shines too bright,
Like he’s some star that refuses to die,
An insignificant blinking wanting to conquer the universe.
It hurts to watch him,
a fragile twinkle who’s so desperate to encompass his
Struggles, to survive, to not fall apart to his weaknesses.
He believes “talent is something you make bloom”
Obsessive, compulsive, the only things he makes bloom are
The tired lavenders under his eyes
and angry blues on his knees, the colors fading and reappearing
Remind me of when days turn into nights, nights into days.
Reckless and confident, he makes me want to punch him
He’s a train wreck happening, a shooting star hurling through space,
When I find him, he’ll be in pieces, and I’ll have to hold him together
He’s a constant motion, an existence that weighs like the whole world when he leans his forehead onto mine, and I tremble in his arms because I can’t stop him
He hides his daily torture through high-pitched whines and flashy smiles,
As if he’s the center of the universe, when all he is
is matter being absorbed into a black hole.
Pretentious and annoying and troublesome and stupid and dumb and
more than enough
I gravitate to him, he keeps me afloat
When I stare into his eyes
I see galaxies
When I hold his hands
Supernovas form
When he wraps me in his chest of insecurities,
I feel the planets align
When he kisses me,
I know a stellar collision has happened.
If that isn’t enough proof,
My heart, in all its stardust, a living form of space,
Pulses and radiates, in sync with the universe’s heartbeat,
A steady affirmation that yes,
He’s not everything I want
But he’s everything I need

i wish i had
never entered.
i wish i would've
looked the
other way.

(why did i let you in?)

your finger tips,
they feel like daggers.
your voice,
a song i would
never sing again.
your touch,
it feels foreign
and suddenly i'm
in a strange place.

(you're not who i thought you were)

you used to shine
so bright,
you were a star
in my sky.
the sun that lit
up my world
but you've
gone away.

(i wish i could take it all back)

the time i woke up crying,
sleepless nights,
fingers intertwined,
quiet voices,
hellos and goodbyes.

i used to look forward
to the sight of that
blue house
on the corner
but i now look away.

Depression - My Story

I suffered in silence. For months, I felt like I was making excuses for myself and being lazy. The once bright, smart, cheerful me disappeared a bit at a time. With each wave, I'd feel more exhausted than I already did before. I felt tired, hopeless and dead on the inside for as long as I can remember. I started losing interest in some of my favorite things and even basic things like eating and showering had drained the living daylight out of me.

And then I tried to reach out to my friends. My head was telling me that I needed help, I couldn't do it on my own anymore. My body was reluctant but there were only two obvious options - help, or death. I tried therapy once, I gave up. Soon, everything kept *******. My life was out of order. I couldn't get out of bed for days, I was self-harming. I saw myself get into substance abuse and was counting on alcohol to get me through my days.

My grades suffered too, I could no longer focus on anything at all. I couldn't sit through a 2 hour movie, I couldn't pay attention to a one hour lecture, I couldn't finish a novel for over 6 months and I still haven't ( I'm the kind of person who finishes at 400 page novel in 2 days, mind you ), I couldn't hold conversations without zoning out. My sleep schedule was altered terribly and all I thought about was death. I was numb, emotionally empty and gone. I had lost my willingness to live and through all of that, I kept pushing myself to achieve good grades just to prove that I could do it. That, being my biggest mistake.

Each time I felt like I had won the battle in my head, it would last a week at most. I would then find myself falling into the same black hole and crawling, choking, gasping for air and trying to find my way out of it. I felt like I was doomed into eternal damnation and that was it for me. My life was over.

And then, came hope.

I think I finally accepted how terrible things were  after my numerous suicide attempts, and soon I had no choice but to leave my Pre-University course and seek for help, and this time quitting was not an option. I will always remember the day my parents and I decided that I would pack my things and leave college immediately. Two of my closest friends sat on my bed, we held hands and exchanged prayers for my recovery. These are the very friends who opened their home for me every time I had an episode. The very friends who rush from class with food for me every time I am too tired to get out of bed. The same friends who cook dinner for me, wake me up each morning. Send me messages of encouragement, and most of all - constantly pray for me. The same friends who saved my life, time and over again. And through it all, chose to love me without ever complaining.

Order still isn't restored, I still have my ugly days. I still see my psychiatrist, I'm still on antidepressants. But now, I know that my life isn't over. As a matter of fact, my life has just begun; and I have a purpose. One of my greatest dreams is to inspire people and so, I want my story to make a difference to anyone who feels like they are alone. To anyone who feels like the answer to all your suffering and pain is suicide, to anyone who feels like depression has taken over their lives and to anyone, who feels like no one understands. To anyone who feels like it is over.

Depression isn't just the lack of love, it isn't just the loss of a loved one. Not just how you feel after a broken relationship or when you fail your exams. I had more love that I ever deserved, I had all the support in the world. I had amazing people around me who more than anything - wanted me to survive. I'm not there yet, but I know that some day, I will be.

My depression does not define me. My scars carry more stories than my heart ever will, and my smile, it carries stories of how recovery; like I once said, isn't a myth. It is possible.

Through it all, I owe my greatest thank you's to my family, friends, lecturers and psychologists for never once giving up on me, even when I did. To the people I barely even knew who reached out to me every time I was starting to sound suicidal on my social media accounts. For never complaining, for being my rock. I love each and every one of you so much.

A little note to you, reader.

Hey you,

First, I want to tell you that you have nothing to prove. You live for yourself and every single one of us has a different journey. I want you to know that things will get better. It sounds clichè, I know. Everyone says the same **** thing, I know that too. But I promise you, the sun will rise again and the storm will pass. Darkness will evaporate and light will surround you. The weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders, and life will restart. You will live, you will get through this. I am with you. Now, and always.

There is a girl i sit behind in a class we are asked to hone our craft of writting, producing storys and tales but in my mind poetry stiill prevails, this girl has long light brown hair that flows like silk down her soft face jeweled by her big bright brown eyes that draw me in. She speaks from her heart and can captivate any reader she gives the glorious chance to glimps upon her work. Her words could move mountains with the weight of truth she uses. Still she does not see it, sadley she does not see the gold in her soul, the angelic like perfections that make up her face beauty is not worth the essence of what you trully are, for you make the stars envious with how u shine, your eyes so amazing they are like a rainbow a child sees in the sprinklers reflection to remind every man that deep down is a boy who still thinks the world is full of wonder you give me the same feeling as christmas and just like the grinch u made my heart grow three sizes bigger then nyone thought possible to the more astonishing part you ddnt just make me fall in love with you, you showed me i can love myself even with the times i grunted n growned as u made me look after my health a good nights sleep before you meant nothing, but now with you a dreamer has a reason to sleep hopeing i can see you even a second longer in my head as storys play like projector screens thinkin of the magic it would make me feel if i could only just kiss you, Your lips softly pressing against mine. The idea brings fireworks to my mental imagery, my body becomes lifted full of energy. Like the sky that was once dark and smogy is fresh again, i take a deep breath inhailing the clean air that clenses my heavy soul. I reach my hand over my cheast realizing the heart you stole. Thinkin its safer where it is cuz my hearts a wild animal and its wrong to keep it locked up behind the cage of bone being my ribs. Memories like monkey faces and tickle fights, curved with philosophy and a cold cola dwn my neck while you laugh enough to everyone stare but we diddnt care, whats highschool without silly memories, like asking bout my feet. Or convincing me to keep my dorky hair that never seems to lay flat in the back. Picking jokes at my baggy jeans, stealing sweaters but that part always made me smile thinking something of mine kept you warm, no matter if it was dark or a snow storm know im close to you. The thought of my arms around you, sometimes we might get pulled into dark thoughts, we are tested and pulled, sometimes you might think you have nothing but know you will always have me. I care so much i will never let you forget. Till the life leaves from body and i take my last breath. You are strong, you are smart, you are beautiful. THANK YOU, You made this grumpy man smile.

i.*
This is to you; pretty lady with the long brown hair, shiny brown eyes, and a heart of gold. You don't see the beauty that radiates from you whenever you enter the room, nor the happiness that you bring to people with your awkward sayings and amazing laugh. But everyone else that surrounds you does. Your meaning here on earth is more than what you think it is. You're a gift to all who come in contact with you, like a little present that we get everyday. You could be described as a pearl, something so precious that if one finds one, they should never let go of it nor lose it. That is what you are like. A pearl. Nothing less.

The way you hold yourself after the hand that you have been dealt over the past few years is great. You are a warrior. No matter what anyone ever tells you. These things that are burdening you, you can overcome. Every battle that you have gone through has molded you into this person that you are today, words cannot begin to describe the greatness that is within you, that everyone else sees.

Every time I see you, walking in the halls, coming towards me, brings a smile to my face. Your presence brightens my day, no matter how bad it is going. The way you tell a story, so animated, so full of life and excitement, but yet I still see the sadness that remains in your eyes day after day. However, you still make sure that I laugh each day, no matter how ****** you feel. These things that you do for the people that you care so deeply about, are never ending.

This one is for you pretty lady. Let your wings spread and fly and be free.  Go and travel the world, and let everyone else see everything that we see within you already, so that one day you see it also.

and now nina smokes vapes
on the quad with a new group
of friends that say things like,
do you have a dealer to every
dreaded black guy that passes by
and she talks really loud about
how fingers feel far far on the
inside and she laughs really
quiet at jokes that make sense,
and she never writes anymore
about how life makes no sense.

the sparkle of your dove-grey eyes
is lost in those tears; do not cry,
for nothing good happens at four a.m.,
nestle, wait, the sun will rise again.

star-spangled blackness is only
worthwhile when it shrouds dreams,
so wipe your cheeks and dredge up
a smile; find some self love

even if it is only in shreds --
I promise you're not better off dead.
it only seems so in heavy night,
star-child, you are far too bright

to let yourself be crushed or lost:
though easy, defeat bears a cost,
so pull up a laugh, and those covers;
do not weep for past or present lovers.

do not give your mind over to pain,
believe me, you are not to blame
for all the wrongs upon this world,
you are no god, just a heavenly girl,

so don't give up; soon the morning
will rise, a new hope is dawning
every day: will you seize this one
and shed the fear of what's to come?

please ignore as the voices wail
that you were only born to fail;
they're liars, with no life but
what you give them, don't give up.

so go to bed, comfort is allowed,
tuck yourself in, darling i'm proud
of you; one more day you've survived
and against all odds you're so alive.

*© Tara India.

and to be completely honest
things are never picture perfect
things never end up movie-like
our lives don't have automatic background music
and your palms will get sweaty if you hold his hand for too long.
sometimes you'll **** during ***
or you'll snort when you laugh
sometimes you'll cry when you don't mean to.
plans will fall through
or you'll be too sad to make plans
and most days you won't wake up stunning
even if you're waking up beside someone you want to look pretty for

but we keep on hoping