I’ve lost myself in the addictive mess of ****** desire.

i’ve wrapped myself in the deadly sweetness of sin

So that when I take that away
I’m left bleeding in the sheets

With no want to clothe myself
in the love I don’t deserve.

i’m so distractingly alone
i guess you were the only person who really understood that

Sometimes you look at me
Like I imagine I would look at myself.
You can see the absolute worst in me, can’t you?
You hide it very well,
I’ll give you that.

You are already gone in my mind
So tell me,
What is the point of wasting tears on a ghost.

I laid down on the concrete to stare at the pinpricks of light scattering the black fabric of the sky
to feel anything
but all I felt was cold

I had one good thing in my life.

I had one, solid stable thing

I had smooth skin on my wrist

I had one decision to make

I have one beautiful, intangible regret

I have slept one out of seven nights

I have memories where I wish there was nothing

I have pain where before there was silence

I have no good things in my life.

just get up
you’ve done it a thousand times before
what changed.

It never strikes first when the wound is fresh
It waits, waits as long as it needs to
It watches you think:
‘maybe I’m just a fast healer. Maybe they just didn’t mean that much to me.’
It waits until you’ve found what you think is peace with the situation.
It waits until you are walking along that old street on a Thursday at three
and smell someone’s cologne from a block away and your brain immediately associates that smell with them and suddenly there is this
little lump in your throat that hasn’t been there for a long time
It waits until you pass that store name you made fun of together five months ago because the i looks like an L
That store is closing down
And all of a sudden you can’t breath
It waits,
especially,
for when you are spring cleaning your closet and find a folded note that must have fallen down the side of your drawer and gotten lost because you could have sworn you threw out all of their ****
And of course you read the note because
How could you not
And you remember why you threw their stuff away
Because then
Then it hits you
One thousand times stronger than it should ever be

I feel so irreparably damaged
As if it isn’t what I’ve lost that matters
But what I’ve got left

This is for the swing set down by the lake
The holiday you ruined while I tried to keep you alive

This is for all the times you convinced me to stay on the phone
Knowing there was nothing I could do

This is for the mental health I lost
And the nights of sleep too

This is for sitting in the library clutching a stone To ground myself because I lost everything that made me who I was

This is for sitting in your stupid ******* car
Trying to fill the silence with anything other than sadness

This is for convincing me you cared about me
And not my therapy sessions

This is for ripping me apart from my friends
And playing dumb

This is for manipulating me into staying
Because you knew I wouldn’t leave a broken soul like you
Not when I could do good
Not when I could
                                   Fix you

This is for the sloppy kissing
For trusting you enough to fall asleep on you

This is for every other woman you’ve hurt
Because you will never ******* change

This is for being afraid to attend University
In fear of seeing you
And spiralling again

This is for still caring what you think about me
Despite what you did

This is for using me even now
And sending me a message after months of letting go

This is for the nights of tension with the person I love

This is for being able to listen to songs with new meaning
And the worried look on my parents face

This is for feeling like I’ll never be whole again
And convincing myself it’s my fault

This is for every time I sit in silence
And feel deafeningly alone

This is for convincing me without you
I was nothing

This is for psychological problems I will never fix
And scars and wounds that will stay with me for as long as I live

This is for my shaky hands
And my lungs that just can’t breath enough air

This is for being a coward in the ways that always mattered

This is for making me feel like I had a choice

For the cassettes, the recordings, the trinkets and gifts
The days we spent painting that stupid telephone

This is for looking at your playlists and searching for a trace of me
For being desperate to move on yet glued to the idea of you

This is for all the memories you left me with
And the hope you kept giving and taking

This is for the life you’ll live
And the people you’ll tell

This is for hurting me
And for me caring

And when he’s here
He’s messy and human
and clumsy with my heart.
He’s quick to anger
And even quicker to push me away.
When he’s in my arms
His love is irritating
Nauseating
All encompassing.
He gets under my skin
Pushes his way in
And once he’s there he makes it clear he won’t leave

But when he’s gone
Oh when he’s gone
The sky falls apart and I forget who I am