We danced around the prospect of responsibility and blame
I knocked out a white pawn, your king took the game
We set up the pieces time and time again
I’ll never tire of playing this charade
Where we beat each other by how hard we can play
Emotions are pawns and manipulation knights
Our queens are memories and our kings are lies.
Just one more round, one more fight
One more night to promise it will be alright.
I lose more than I win
You set up the game.
And that’s okay.
I will not be the bad guy
You can take what you want from me.
I never really cared about it anyway.
He stole my emotions and capacity to trust;
I stole his favourite band and ability to listen to his favourite song.
And when he’s here
He’s messy and human
and clumsy with my heart.
He’s quick to anger
And even quicker to push me away.
When he’s in my arms
His love is irritating
He gets under my skin
Pushes his way in
And once he’s there he makes it clear he won’t leave
But when he’s gone
Oh when he’s gone
The sky falls apart and I forget who I am
You’ll tell them how ****** I am. How I hurt you on purpose. You’ll tell them how cruel I became and, hell, they’ll believe it. They’ll believe because the truth is, a part of them always suspected. The truth of the matter is, you cannot believe rumours unless a part of you believes it could be true. And I fit the brief. There always needs to be a bad guy: someone to blame. I never wanted to be your hero but this? This is more than I can take. You will be my bad guy. That’s just how it’ll play out. I’ll sit down to coffee with someone new and your story will spill out. Perhaps in an alternate universe, you became my love. Perhaps you didn’t cause the scarring permanently on my wrists. Perhaps you didn’t manipulate me, and I didn’t manipulate you. Perhaps, just maybe, I kissed you not out of spite- but out of love. Perhaps you hate me now, and perhaps that’s okay. Perhaps no matter what we did we’d always end this way. Perhaps you’re reading this now, throat clenching up. Do you miss me, kid? Have you had enough? Would you ever believe me if I said I cared? Does it matter to you that I’ve cried actual tears. I never wanted to be your villain. And you never wanted to be mine. But perhaps we always knew where this would lead.
The truth is, I’ll continue hurting people. That’s just the way I am. My intentions don’t match up with my actions and that’s what people don’t understand. Like Miss Atomic Bomb and Mr Brightside, a game of cat and mouse I’ll play. With every bitter little heart who will call me the one who got away.
I am hurting so deeply
But it will never matter
Because according to you
I feel so irreparably damaged
As if it isn’t what I’ve lost that matters
But what I’ve got left