I got so afraid of losing you that I subconsciously numbed myself of your love

My biggest fear came a reality when I realized I was pushing you away

When really all I wanted was you touching me, loving me

I became ungrateful and unbelieving of your love so I wouldn't worry about losing you

But, I've come to realize, I want to risk feeling the pain of losing you

I want to love you so hard that, if this was our last day, I'd lay easy knowing I loved you with all I had

Worrying about the future, unwillingly numbed my present

And, I will fight so so hard to get it back

There is always a time,
Where my heart begins to clear,
And,
My weary lungs,
Cry in relief.

My head still may ache,
For it has been dragged so raw,
But,
My lips may finally rise,
For my cheeks to peacefully rest upon.

At last my soul may relax,
Panic slowly drifting,
Off my shaky silhouette.

Oh little lily pad,
You'll have to battle to stay afloat,
Shielding yourself against the sharp, dark waves,
Of my beating heart.
But, please learn to take root.
For, I'll intertwine around you,
Taking hold, slowly hoping you'll realize,
Those same dark waters,
Are struggling to nuture your very core.
Those same dark waters,
Have made you grow, baby.

Static begins to swarm inside me,
Scratching,
As panic erodes my veins,
Numbing,
As I,
Drop,
Knees shaky as they kiss the floor,
I'm screaming, calling, reaching for you

Why are you weeping?

Found, ****** with tears,
Shaking,
Realizing it's not me you're afraid of,
Smeared now,
Tap, tap, tap,
She's back

Distorted, run by fear, she is me,
Yet no,
She's younger, paralyzed in time unwillingly,
Coming back to warn me,
I've been here before.
She's in control,
Watching,
Says once more, I need you to know,
You've been here before.

PTSD, you see,
It runs me,
Yet PTSD goes by she,
Don't be afraid by she, is me,
And you know me,

Right?