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R Oct 2013
it was easier to
look into your
eyes today.

you helped me
with my math
and you looked
me in the eyes
but now i see
the real you and
you'd think i'd
despise the
way you judge
people so easily
and the way you
looked at her
when she came in;
it was like she was
the worst thing
that could happen
in your day.

yet somehow, i
stayed calm and
made you calm
down because
you bring out the
best in me and yet
i still love you no
matter how many
flaws you have.

does your fiancé do the
R Apr 2013
You couldn't look at me today when
I took a bite of that apple.
I saw the disappointment in
Your eyes.
But I'm sorry
The fact that
I'm unhappy
Being the way I am
Makes me this way.
I plan to change
My weight
And feel
About myself.

I hope you can
Understand that.
1.0k · Mar 2015
R Mar 2015
Is it your friend again?
I couldn't look at him for fear he would know that you weren't a friend, you were so much more. But I just shrugged and kept looking down.
Are you stressed?
Oh yes, everything stresses me now. Eating, sleeping, even homework that is so easy makes no sense to me now. I've skipped every possible class I could in the past few weeks, maybe that's why I'm starting to fail a few.
Do you want to talk about it?
I look up and say "No, not really." And he sighed. Why can't I just admit it?
I know what will make you happy!
He smiles as he pulls out some college books and statistics. UC Berkeley and MIT are among them, waiting for me in the palms of his hands.
Very slim, but you're incredibly smart and incredibly weird. I know you could get into Berkeley if you tried!
Maybe, but there is a 35% chance of me getting into there, and a 10% chance of me getting into MIT. My odds are so slim...
Well I'll just leave you to looking. We can look at other schools with the major you would like to go into, okay?
Yes, okay, sounds fine.
The clock ticks away,
And I miss yet another test,
And another panic attack,
And another chance to scream what I've been wanting to for awhile.
Looks like the bell is about to ring, do you need anything? I can help you go to wherever you need to go.*
I'm not even sure where I'm going anymore.
I just know I want to draw rainroad tracks across my wrist and to feel my ribs once again.
Everyone says I'm so strong but I just feel so ******* weak.
I can't, I promised. I can't.
Sorry everything has been so dark...
1.0k · Sep 2013
Church today
R Sep 2013
they (mom and sister) asked me
if i was starving myself
but when they did
they smiled and
sort of giggled and
from that moment
on, i realized that
they really just
dont care about
me one
R May 2013
my journal consists of:
***** jokes
song lyrics
nail polish
crumpled up to-do lists
love letters
names written in cursive
you know that.
but what you don't know is that
it consists of:
tears from crying over you
laughter over all the good times we've had
***** jokes because they mean more to me than you think
poetry about the way you make my lips quiver
song lyrics about how many times i've fell for you
death because i know i'll never win your heart
comics of how we'd become a couple
drawings of how beautiful you are
love (silly you, always knowing the way to my heart)
flowers because you smell like fresh ones
nail polish reminds me of the time i did your nails and i broke a glass vase somehow
music because you taught me the importance of it
crumpled up to-do lists because you always seemed to be on the top
love letters that i'll never show you
names written in cursive (obviously yours)
photos of us that will forever remain in my heart
thoughts about you;
you're always on my mind and
i can't get you out.
1.0k · May 2013
R May 2013
I hate making
Imaginary relationships in my mind.
It's terrible.
But with you,
It doesn't feel imaginary.
It feels so real.
R Aug 2014
I simply cannot remember yesterday
Or the day before that
Or a week before that
Or even a month
Or year
Or years...
I simply cannot remember anything.

And I hate myself for it
Because I want to remember the way your kisses tasted
When I gave you your Beatles magazines on our
Six month anniversary.
Or how we went on a double date with our
Friends, Paul and Cameron, and how we
Snuck into an elementary school
And kissed under the trees
And how we shared a root beer float
And I spilled it all over my dress.
Or how we walked halfway to the dress shop hand
In hand until we crossed the road.
Or how you bought a beautiful dress
That I cannot wait to see you in one day.
And I want to remember how Paul made those
Cute little kitten noises... And how each one
Reminded me of you.

As I sit here listening to the CD you made me
I try to remember every detail of our love making that
Night and day. I want to remember your breath in my ear
And to remember the way I kissed your neck
And *******
And stomach.

Or the way we smile at each other
And the way I catch you looking at me
While I'm looking at something else intently
Trying to figure out its purpose in our universe.
I just want to remember the way you smiled at me
Today forty years from now when I tell our adopted children
About how we met many long years ago.
I want to remember the way you smell, which I know I always will,
Because I constantly try to keep your scent on me at all times.
And I just want to remember the words you have written and spoken
Because those words are gifts from God that I thank him every single day for, and I could not be more grateful for you and your words than
I am right now.

I am in love, and I love you so much my darling, And I know that
This is the one thing I simply can never forget.
I love you, L<3 I'm sorry I'm so forgetful... Don't ever mistake that for me not loving you my beautiful darling girl.
1.0k · Jan 2016
R Jan 2016
we were different states of matter,
but we always had chemistry.
1.0k · Nov 2013
R Nov 2013
i walked into his room
asked if he had a minute to spare
he smiled and said of course
and then suddenly,
i got really nervous.
i started giggling all weirdly and
he started chuckling and asking, "what? what? whats
up?" and i said, "i have a game tonight and i can't play in it,
you should come and watch, you know, to uhh...
support us or something." and he laughed,
asked what time the game was at and said,
"ill be able to make it!" and i smiled so wide,
and i left while saying, "see you later and thank you!"
and he slowly said, "goodbye... goodbye..." all sadly.

don't be sad, i will see you later. we can talk in the stands
and watch the game together.

you make my widest dreams come true one day at a time sweetheart.
1000 · Dec 2014
R Dec 2014
Her fingers danced
Along my ribcage
As she told me why
I must be having pains
In my chest.

Her fingers danced
On my *******
As she cupped them sweetly
And nuzzled between them like
She's always belonged there.

Her fingers danced
Down my spine
As she counted the freckles
On my back and made constellations
Out of them.

Her fingers danced
In my hair
As she grabbed close to my
Scalp and pulled where she knows I'll
Respond with "Ohhh".

Her fingers danced
Down between my thighs
Floating above the ocean below and
Diving in to explore her sea.

Her fingers danced
Around my neck as her
Hands cupped my face and
Kissed my lips gently but
With a fire that only I could

Her fingers danced
As they intertwined with mine
Because what is more intimate than
The innocence of hand holding
With a promise of forever
Imbedded in our fingertips?
For L, who has been asking for this for a long time. I love you my sweet girl.
996 · Nov 2013
R Nov 2013
i told her that her jokes were
always funny. that they always brightened up
my day, that she was the one who brings a
smile across my face without even

but, then i told her that the one joke
that i couldn't tolerate was the one
about self-harm. she looked up at me,
and i swear her heartrate soared,
and then said,
"i understand, it won't happen again."
i looked at her, confused.
why was that so easy to say?
i then looked down at my wrist and
gulped a bit louder than i should,
and she got out from behind her desk
and then proceeded to say,
"I did it as well, i cut in highschool."

i stared blankly at her,
not expecting to hear that
she knows the fears i have.
she knows of what its like to
have a blade go across your skin,
she knows.

i hate that she knows.
i hate that she went through that,
that she knows that feeling.
i hate it.

but, at the same time, im glad
she knows, because maybe she can
be the one who helps me from
going on some relapse

i just hope that
maybe she wants to
be the one who
helps me.
989 · Jul 2014
Alter-ego: Guilty Mind
R Jul 2014
If it's so easy to be bad
why don't I feel good?
I like writing these because they make me feel like a different person. Kind of like a person I don't want to be, but the person I know I easily could be. I hope I don't lose myself, I feel like I am.
R Oct 2013
so happy that you gave me
extra credit.
i was literally crying because of
the B i got on the test today
and then you realized how much
i wanted that A, so you
let me have it.

oh dear god, thank you!
im just so happy, ah!
this is really bad but i dont even care cause im just soooo happy ah thank you mr.k ahhhhh
983 · Dec 2014
My Fears
R Dec 2014
Death by fire.* The skin melting off of my bones and the smoke choking my throat and holding me down, my screams unheard of by those outside and seeing the dance of fire around my charcoaled bones.
Never knowing truth. Never understanding why I am here and what God wants me to do, to have him laugh in my face saying "You were always wrong!" Even when I thought he said it was in His plan, not ever fully understanding the ways of the universe that He so graciously let me explore.
Relapse. Becoming so sad again that I throw away almost a whole year of becoming who I am to succumbing to the hellish act of cutting open my wrist to see the blood flow from my body and to let the demons out again. To feel the sting, wait, numbness of it all.
Him touching me again. Never being able to say no. Feeling the touch of his sweaty palms around my waist, his fingertips making trails down my spine to my bare bottom, feeling parts of me that do *not
belong to him.
Nobody believing me  Everyone telling me that I am a liar again, that I made it all up for attention and to break my family apart because I was "jealous" and I was "overreacting".
Losing her.  She can easily have any boy she wants, even other girls like her. I can lose her so easily, she's so beautiful. People constantly flirt with her, temping her to be theirs. But I am just me, and I feel like I am not enough, because she is everything, and I am nothing. No matter how dominating I am, I will always submit myself to her, because I belong to her. She can't leave me. I am hers.
Not getting into UC Berkeley.  I know I am not good enough, but I try to be my best. I try to get good grades and keep myself busy. I do not just want to attend this school, I need to be a part of this school because if I do not, then who would I be? All of my life's work would be thrown away and I would be feel hopeless, useless, and undeniably a failure. If I do not get accepted then I know I will never accept myself.
Going insane. I've seen these faces before, in the corner of my eye, hearing manic laughs within my mind, voices not there and things that run amuck. They are not there. They are not there. but oh! how they truly are sometimes. I just hope that they are not real.
Her taking her own life. Sometimes I feel like I do not help her at all. I can feel her sadness starting to creep back up on her again, wanting to take her and swallow her whole. I try so hard to help, but who I am to do that? I am powerless, I am weak. She is the strong one, not me. But oh, how sometimes even she succumbs to Deaths somber friend, Depression.
My parents finding out before the time we wish. Everything would die if they found out, they would extinguish our love so quick and **** everything that ever led to us being in love. If they found out, I wouldn't be myself anymore, I would lose the part of me that made me feel whole, I would lose the part of myself that I never knew that I was missing, I would fall apart, I wouldn't want to live anymore. What am I without you? Maybe life could happen again, and maybe we could find each other in the future when we are out of our parents hold, but that does not mean we would still be in love with each other. We would just be ghosts of each other's pasts, haunting each other throughout each other's lives and making us each feel so alone. Who would I be without you?
Last but not least, myself. I can easily do so much damage to everyone around me. I have hurt my love before, and my best friend, and my parents, and everyone else. I am my own worst enemy, and I can destroy everything that lives. I fear that I am constantly on self destruct without my love, that I am already dead and wishing to **** everything due to my unhappiness. Only love can cure the dead in heart.
Everybody seems to be doing this, mind if I put a new twist to it?
982 · Nov 2013
I miss you....
R Nov 2013
it was so easy to
sit next to him and
grab a donut. too
easy to say hello and
to pat him on the shoulder.
and yet, i wanted to stay there,
because he makes me feel so

then i left and walked towards your
door. i put a smile on my face and waited patiently
and then bam you came through the front doors and
hit me so hard with that smile of yours. i didn't realize how
much ive missed you. ive missed the way you talk and walk
and smile and just everything you are.... I missed you.

but, when you stopped to talk to some other guy i then
decided that i wasn't worth talking to because all i do is
flirt with you and that isn't okay, you're engaged and you don't
want me, no matter how much it seems like you do...

it wasn't you that made me feel non-worthy, it was that single factor
in the equation of us that kept me slowly backing away from your door,
into the hallway, and then out the door to my next class.

i wanted to talk about how i have a math test next period,
how i am taking two college courses and that one of them is
starting tomorrow! how even though my panic attacks are getting
worse, i havent cut in awhile. how my dad bailed on me once again,
and yet im kind of... okay. how i miss you and what i see in you isn't
just kid love. its real love....

it was so easy to talk to you too, but realizing how much i
needed you in my life compeltely ruined my confidence
and once again, i am back to ignoring you..

oh how i wish i could turn it off.
977 · Oct 2014
R Oct 2014
I want her back,
I want sweet Ana back.
Where did she go?
I was doing so well,
I followed all of her rules and
Gave myself to her
So why did she leave?
Did she get bored with me like
I know all of the others do?
Was I not enough?
I never am enough,
But surely Ana can help me again.
I am in need of her service
Please come back my sweet Ana.
But don't hurt me like the others.
976 · Feb 2014
R Feb 2014
take these wings
help me fly
ill sing for you
all the way to the sky.
and if i fall
i know you'd help me up
you and i
were in the same cup.
baby, ill make your dreams
come true
including the one
of me holding you.
i know im scared
of the future to come
but i know if its with you
we will never succumb.
973 · May 2013
The Offspring
R May 2013
Seeing those bands last night
Reminded me of
All the sweet things to
Live for.
Like all the sweet times I would've missed:
Cuddling with you
Failing at tickling you
Playing with your hair
Making you smile,
Seeing you grow up
And traveling.
I wouldn't have the chance to
Maybe one day
Share a beautiful
Life with you
If I was dead.

I'm glad I
Didn't go through with
All the things that
I was thinking of.
I like seeing you
And knowing that I
Mean something to you.
972 · Feb 2014
Its a bit sexy...
R Feb 2014
Im sorry if I'm too forward.
i do not only want your body,
i want your heart and your soul.
i want your mind and the way it
thinks so feverishly about details.
i want the heart that speaks
through your tongue.
i love the articulate words you choose
to speak, they keep my head
in the dictionary constantly.
and i want your soul,
you belong in the 1960's
but instead you're here with me.
and that, my dear, makes everything
about this worth while.

trust me, its a bit ****.
the way my hand falls gracefully to your bottom
and how you do not flinch away.
its not even a thought anymore...
its just natural.

you are a beautiful, natural thing, my dear.
every single part of us feels right.
and thats why i haven't run
away yet.
968 · Jul 2013
R Jul 2013
she keeps saying I'm beautiful

I don't believe her.

I believe my proana friends.
they understand.
965 · Sep 2013
Ugh fuck
R Sep 2013
He pretends to care
So much but
Then he becomes this
Narcissistic *******
Who can barely even look
At me.
962 · Sep 2013
Beautiful, Yeah?
R Sep 2013
i find it beautiful to be
made out of the universe.
atom by atom,
electron by proton,
we are the stars.
we are the
962 · May 2013
Skylar & Ashley (5w)
R May 2013
I'll be fine,
I promise.
R Dec 2015
And I wonder if it's all worth it.
Honestly, I really do.
But then I think about the times I would have missed
if the pills would've worked.
I think about the hands that I wouldn't have
been able to hold today.
How grateful am I to call them my friends?
Even through the slicing words and the
burning eyes,
I am still happy to be alive to know that
they are here.
I also think about the realizations I wouldn't have had.
My ego, which is something I've honestly never noticed before,
has gotten the best of me.
My pride is all but too strong.
But if who I am is nothing but of myself,
then I am nothing.
I think about your eyes and
how I wouldn't get to look into them once in awhile
like I do now.
I may not get the up close view of them,
but hey, at least I'm still able to see.
And I even think about my heart.
My heart has hardened a lot more in its attempts to
protect itself from everything going on.
That's probably the worst thing that you can do.
It makes you lazy, it makes you not care, and it even makes you
forget how to love.

Help. Help us, help me, help everyone who has hardened their hearts and have forgotten how to love freely. I am learning to show the joy you have put into my heart that has been pouring out of me as of late.
I don't know what your plan is and I do not know what you want me to do in the situations that I am in now, but I know that with You, I can do everything and anything that You put into my heart.
As long as it is not hardened, I can give and accept the love that you have poured out into me. Thank you for the life you have given me, I will keep trying, I promise.
But if who I am is nothing but of myself,
then I am nothing.
At the end is a prayer (kind of?) I was making up today during Mass while reflecting. I was starting to tear up and its probably the second time in a few weeks that I've felt something really strongly. You're pushing me into a direction that I'm not sure I can follow, but if Mary said Yes, then I need to make that choice too.
946 · Oct 2014
R Oct 2014
Dear John,
You have kept her alive,
The love of my life.
I could never show what
Gratitude I have
Other than giving you thanks
On this day.
She is my love,
My darling sweet girl.
And you did my job
Before I even came around.
Thank you for keeping her here,
Because if she was not,
Where would I be?
Who would I be?

Thank you and happy birthday, John.
It's your birthdayyyy Johnny boy! Thank you for keeping my sweet girl here, she is such a blessing <3
944 · May 2013
Time Traveling and You
R May 2013
I want to travel all
Over the Universe.
You'd come with me in my
And we could eat fish and custard
We could be free and
Help aliens and
See what the
End would look like.
We could travel in time and
Space and understand
What else is out there.
We could travel forever
And regenerate if we must.
I just hope every time I do I
Don't lose my love for you.
Never had fish and custard but if you've seen Doctor Who then know you the reference!
937 · Oct 2013
Drowning in You
R Oct 2013
i thought i could handle
not being yours but when
trying to describe why i
feel the way i do i just
completley breakdown.

i tried describing your eyes
to someone who has never had the
beautiful chance to be in your vicinity and
i could barely get through to the
part of where i compare thy
eyes to an ocean after a
strong storm.

what should i do?
its easier now to be around you but
should i even try?
you've picked me up and brought out my
wings but can i really fly?

oh dear, please tell me because
i'll drown without you here.
im drowning in the ocean that is
you and im not sure if i should
cry out in fear.

maybe im better off in a
kiddie pool.

934 · Apr 2013
R Apr 2013
I'm not ready to confess,
I want to stay in my hole
And be safe from
933 · Oct 2013
R Oct 2013
I either like girls or
older men and I guess
that's not okay to some
people, hell, it's not even
okay to myself, but I can't help
that I like the way girls look with
their ******* off or the way men
look when they have a 5 o'clock

I really like the way he wiped my tears
away and they way she always was the
little spoon and the way he held my shoulder
and the way she just knew when i was sad and the
way he just showed me how the shadows are in
different colours of light...

*******, i guess im bi, but
hell i could be wrong.
920 · May 2013
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
R May 2013
I've been stupid lately.
I do dumb things and I
Act dumb.
That's just me
But sometimes
It's uncontrollable and I
Feel bad.
You deserve to be treated better and
It's obvious that I need to work on
Sorry bubs,
I will try harder.
919 · May 2015
Don't Forget
R May 2015
Did you forget
That I was even alive?
Did you forget
Everything we ever had?
Did you forget?
Did you forget
About me?

Did you regret (did you regret)
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget (did you forget)
What we were feeling inside?
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand?
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
Please don't forget us

Somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us
(Don't forget)
Don't Forget//Demi Lovato
She was amazing in concert... I miss her
R Oct 2013
ive seen the pictures and gifs of
when people go to far when
and honestly, i get
so scared.
to think that people can just
open themselves up and
let blood pour and
spill and not have a
second thought about it
because they are just trying to
let their demons out.

but then i remind myself that
i do the same and that i
could end up on the
bathroom floor if i
dont be careful and
end this addiction
i have.
R May 2013
I've been feeling good.
Like happy and joyful and good.
But once in awhile, death comes over and
Invites itself in
Like an old friend would.

It opens the door,
Doesn't even have the
Decency to
Wipe off it's shoes at the door and
Laughs a scary and
Mechanical laugh.
It starts saying how its missed me and
I almost start to believe it.
But, to be honest with all of you,
If you look close enough,
You can see how it lies through it's
Venomous teeth.
Through it's
Torturous words.
How it tries to
Pull you in so
You can never get out.
I'm smart enough to see those lies and
I'm sure as hell very competitive.
Death won't win today,
*Or ever.
910 · May 2013
What is this?
R May 2013
Is it okay that I'm
But yet still want to go cry
Like I did earlier in homeroom?
Is it okay that I
Want to hold onto him and
Make his shirt a
Deeper red
With my tears?
Is it okay that I snuck those glances
Hoping that maybe you'd do
The same?

Nobody acts the same with me and
I hate it so much.
Why don't you just pretend I'm
Okay instead of making me feel more
Miserable about myself.
Being mad at me doesn't make me feel any better.
It makes me feel even more useless than
I did with the things that happened with my

God, I don't even know where this poem is going any more...
907 · Oct 2013
My Dream
R Oct 2013
waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting
for you to come through my front door
locking your dark grey sonata
to meet me in the kitchen
and greet me with your sweet lips
in the crook of my neck.

waiting for you to say
"Oh sweetheart, it smells delicious!"
and for you to ask how my day was.
Then sweet little 3 year old Michael Junior
will come running out yelling
"Daddy! Daddy! Look at me!"
with his cape on.

you'll greet him by picking him up
in the air and watching him as he flies.
he looks at you like you're his
hero, just as i do to you.

we all sit down, eat our food and
afterwards, i give little michael a bath and
we tuck him in bed. you'll read him a
bedtime story and we'll kiss him
goodnight and we'll leave a
night light on because hes
afraid of the dark.

we'll go in our room and get ready for
bed as well. we'll get in bed, talk about our day,
snuggle for what seems like hours,
and then finally, we'll end up hand in hand,
and so close to each other that nothing else
in the entire world matters.

we'll fall asleep to each other
rhymatic breathes and we'll wake up
to another beautiful day in our
beautiful lives.

waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting*

im waiting for something that can
never ever happen and i really
shouldn't be.

if only the stars aligned in my
favor for this, please oh please,
dear universe, won't you just allow
the teenager and teacher to
happen for once?
907 · Nov 2013
thanksgiving gift xoxo john
R Nov 2013
you silly man,
you silly bibliophile..
you lover of green tea.
i never expected this to happen.
i never expected you to say
that you loved me.
i never did.

i'm not sure of
how you mean't it but
you see, i thought i loved you
earlier in the year...
and i do.

but, maybe not in the way you
expect it to be so.
R Feb 2014
i miss the panic attacks that i
used to have
the ones that made me physically weak
the ones that made me shake and cry
the ones that told me that i am weak

sounds terrible, and they really were.
but, i'd rather the physical pain
and the emotional pain
than the psychological pain that i
go through when i have my "new" attacks.

my new attacks scare me so much because
i suddenly feel so unreal.
like reality is taken from me
and i can see myself
i can see the people around me,
i can see everything
and its exhausting,
being in that state of mind.
and then i start to hear things--
screaming people,
children laughing,
a constant voice just saying something.
these aren't my thoughts,
this is a new form of panicking.
and i hate every second of it.
R Nov 2013
ive never been enough
even in my mind,
i fight to win the rival that
never ends.
the only things that bring me comfort
are Doctor Who and Lord of the Rings,
mhm... yes i miss you and that smile
of yours dear god, it is like heaven.
but, you see, ill never be enough
ive always known that.
neither the doctor nor the hobbit will
come to save me.

i hate being so dispensable
i feel so bad for my friends and my family,
they have to deal with me all the time
but i guess when im gone
everybody will grab a glass of wine.

cheers, shes finally dead.
(i say this all the time in my head!)

oh dear, dont be sad,
be glad,
shes dead and the
demons are gone from her
blasted head.

(can i make the same end-rhyme twice?)
895 · Oct 2013
R Oct 2013
the feeling of finally
knowing what it's like
to feel euphoric is
better than really
R Dec 2013
she asked me specifically,
"do you have feelings for him?"
i laughed and said no.
he probably sees me as a daughter,
nothing more.
but, when i went to sleep that night,
i dreamt of him.
some of it was physical,
but, most of it was just us

talking about physics and
laughing at jokes and then
him accidentally touching my thigh
when laughing and then me looking
up at him, giving him that knowing look
saying, "i want you, all of you."
and then we just... kiss.

i think the sweetest part of the dream
was the moment before our lips touched.
the heat between us, the smile that slipped onto his
lips and the way i leaned to my right.
you could sense the hesitation, but you could
feel the complete desire emanating from the both of us.

i remember waking up that saturday morning.
i touched my lips and still felt the warmth there.
the dream felt so real. and maybe one day it will be.
but, is that what i really want?

i remember him giving me advice:
when i find someone i love, remember to double check and see if he is the one you want to wake up next to in the morning and live the rest of your life with.
i remember picturing mike... not him.
but, mike always be my first love. the one true love that i really could
never ever reach.

i guess since i have to ask if he is what i really want, means that i don't.
i guess i just... i just don't really even know.
R Apr 2013
I was in a
Car wreck today.
My seat got the worst,
No seat belt on
And I flew.
Luckily I
Put my hands up and
Grabbed the seat in front of me or
I would've died.

Funny how my
Wish almost came true.

Happy birthday to me.
888 · Jul 2016
R Jul 2016
you've never truly left me, now have you?
883 · Nov 2013
not done i guess idk
R Nov 2013
its all my fault
thats all ive ever known.
i did this to myself.
i *deserved
what happened.
i did this to myself.
its all my fault
thats all ive ever known.
i deserved what happened.

he deserves to be their favorite.
who cares if i make honor roll or
become president of every club
or becoming every teachers *******
(being a smart student, not the hot kind.)
or being respected or listening to my parents
or smiling even when im dying inside.
none of it matters,
because im the last choice between
you and i.

i always am and always will be.
881 · Aug 2014
R Aug 2014
I have many feelings.
Probably too many feelings.
But that does not give you the right to
give me "friendly advice" about what I should
and should not write about.

If I want to write about the spiritual act of
making love that my girlfriend and I share together
Then I most certainly will.
If I wish to write to write about how I used to
cut my skin and enjoy the way my blood
flowed from my it,
Then I most certainly will.
If I need to write about how afraid I am
That even my own family will not accept me
Then I most certainly will.

This is my way of therapy.
If you do not want to know,
Then DO NOT read it!
Isn't that SO simple?
Do not complain about the things I write about
When you read way worse things.
This is towards ANYONE who feels the need to tell me I shouldn't write about my love life, my thoughts and past, and my feelings. If you have a problem with it, STOP READING.
Thank you for reading (or not reading) xoxo
873 · Dec 2013
What I Did Not Know
R Dec 2013
What I did not know, was
what would come next in our
conversation. We usually do
not talk about deep things, but
I started running out of questions.
I know your favorite color and I
know how you met your first
husband. So, what was there left
to ask of you? Well, certainly I
would of course find a way to
ask you something.

The question I asked was simple:
What is the worst thing that has
ever happened to you?
Now, ladies and gentleman I did not
expect what came out of her mouth next
due to the fact that I asked the question
nonchalantly. But, instead she looked at me and
said, "I was *****." She then gulped and
looked me straight in the eyes and began her
story, one in which that I had to hurry and text my mother for
to tell her I'd be a few minutes late because I knew I'd
end up telling her mine. She told me about how it was in
high school and how scared she was.
About how terrible it was and that
was why she started self harm.

I shivered at the thought:
we are so alike.

Mostly in good ways, but I hate that she has been through
so much that I have. That we share that same pain.
I told her about how sorry I was and about what
happened to me. That one of my other teachers was
that only reason I was even standing here to be able to
tell this story today.

I then wished her goodnight and told her we could
talk again if she would like, because it felt nice to
talk to someone who understood and
did not look at me like I was a
mere child.

This was on the 2nd of December, and I wish I
would have been able to stay longer to say
all the things that I really wanted to say.
Maybe sometime in the future we will
talk things over, because they really do
settle my mind.
872 · Jul 2015
R Jul 2015
i wonder if the only thing worth missing about me are memories?
I'm actually worthless, so jokes on me
867 · Nov 2013
Dear Michael,
R Nov 2013
I um, I haven't really had much of a conversation with you.
Like, a real one. You know, the ones about how the air smells
in spring or how the stars look at night.
But, I keep having this dream where I tell you
that I've always thought that it was my fault.
That I deserved what happened to me.
And to be honest, you are the only person who
makes me feel like it wasn't.
So, thank you.

I want to thank you for saving me.
At first, I hated you because you had to be the one who
brought me to the counselor that day. I was so hell-bent on
wanting to die, that I completely forgot my reasons to live
even though their hands were guiding me to the
front office.

Thank you for being there for me when no one else was.
For asking that oblivious question, "Is it boy issues?" that day in Math class.
For staying with me no matter what.
For being my friend.
For... caring about me.

Michael, thank you.
Thank you so much for everything you are
and everything you ever will be.
I want to wish you the best on your engagement
and I really do hope you live a long and prosperious life with your significant other.

I love you, I really do.
R Dec 2013
They said I needed to start
caring about myself and
not care about others.

I care about myself.
I'm better than ever.
I'm not happy...
but I'm not sad.
Why do they care anyways?

Yes, I do try and take care of others.
But, that's just who I am.
I love being the one who brings someone
else's spirit up.

But, apparently it is only making me worse?

Take away my phone,
Take away my life,
Take away anything.

To be honest, they are things I
can live without.
Yeah, they make life easier,
but, I am focused on getting the
**** away from y'all to be submerged in
my social life anyways.

So, dear parents, punish me and tell me that
I need to stop caring for others.
I've already gotten caring for y'all off the list,
who wants to be next?
863 · Mar 2014
Neck Pains
R Mar 2014
i lay here in pain
waiting to find a way
to ask if you'll ever leave.
people often do,
and some say that you
would not mind forgetting
your feelings after awhile.
how am i supposed to believe
"i love you's" when you can
pull away ever so quickly?
the twinkle in your eyes
makes me believe in our future
but stories often told of the past
remind me that i am only a person
worth leaving.
863 · May 2013
I Want To...
R May 2013
I want to
Tuck you in at night and
Sing you to sleep.

I want to
Wake up next to you,
Big spoon and all,
And nuzzle in the crook of your neck.

I want to
Wake you up
By kissing you all over and
Saying, "Goodmorning Beautiful!"

I want to
Hold hands with you
And cuddle while watching your
Favorite movies.

I want to
Sigh as you
Find that knot in my neck and
Rub it till it's untied.

I want to
Hold back tears
As you read me my
favorite book.

I want to
Fall asleep
As I play with your hair and
Think about what'll come tomorrow.
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