Her fingers danced
Along my ribcage
As she told me why
I must be having pains
In my chest.

Her fingers danced
On my *******
As she cupped them sweetly
And nuzzled between them like
She's always belonged there.

Her fingers danced
Down my spine
As she counted the freckles
On my back and made constellations
Out of them.

Her fingers danced
In my hair
As she grabbed close to my
Scalp and pulled where she knows I'll
Respond with "Ohhh".

Her fingers danced
Down between my thighs
Floating above the ocean below and
Diving in to explore her sea.

Her fingers danced
Around my neck as her
Hands cupped my face and
Kissed my lips gently but
With a fire that only I could
Recognize.

Her fingers danced
As they intertwined with mine
Because what is more intimate than
The innocence of hand holding
With a promise of forever
Imbedded in our fingertips?

you are like a whirlpool--
silly me for falling in,
my ship has sunken down
into the ocean that is
you,
ive never been much for
swimming,
ecspecially when i
actually want to
drown.

they (mom and sister) asked me
if i was starving myself
but when they did
they smiled and
sort of giggled and
from that moment
on, i realized that
they really just
dont care about
me one
bit.

Death by fire.* The skin melting off of my bones and the smoke choking my throat and holding me down, my screams unheard of by those outside and seeing the dance of fire around my charcoaled bones.
Never knowing truth. Never understanding why I am here and what God wants me to do, to have him laugh in my face saying "You were always wrong!" Even when I thought he said it was in His plan, not ever fully understanding the ways of the universe that He so graciously let me explore.
Relapse. Becoming so sad again that I throw away almost a whole year of becoming who I am to succumbing to the hellish act of cutting open my wrist to see the blood flow from my body and to let the demons out again. To feel the sting, wait, numbness of it all.
Him touching me again. Never being able to say no. Feeling the touch of his sweaty palms around my waist, his fingertips making trails down my spine to my bare bottom, feeling parts of me that do *not belong to him.
Nobody believing me  Everyone telling me that I am a liar again, that I made it all up for attention and to break my family apart because I was "jealous" and I was "overreacting".
Losing her.  She can easily have any boy she wants, even other girls like her. I can lose her so easily, she's so beautiful. People constantly flirt with her, temping her to be theirs. But I am just me, and I feel like I am not enough, because she is everything, and I am nothing. No matter how dominating I am, I will always submit myself to her, because I belong to her. She can't leave me. I am hers.
Not getting into UC Berkeley.  I know I am not good enough, but I try to be my best. I try to get good grades and keep myself busy. I do not just want to attend this school, I need to be a part of this school because if I do not, then who would I be? All of my life's work would be thrown away and I would be feel hopeless, useless, and undeniably a failure. If I do not get accepted then I know I will never accept myself.
Going insane. I've seen these faces before, in the corner of my eye, hearing manic laughs within my mind, voices not there and things that run amuck. They are not there. They are not there. but oh! how they truly are sometimes. I just hope that they are not real.
Her taking her own life. Sometimes I feel like I do not help her at all. I can feel her sadness starting to creep back up on her again, wanting to take her and swallow her whole. I try so hard to help, but who I am to do that? I am powerless, I am weak. She is the strong one, not me. But oh, how sometimes even she succumbs to Deaths somber friend, Depression.
My parents finding out before the time we wish. Everything would die if they found out, they would extinguish our love so quick and **** everything that ever led to us being in love. If they found out, I wouldn't be myself anymore, I would lose the part of me that made me feel whole, I would lose the part of myself that I never knew that I was missing, I would fall apart, I wouldn't want to live anymore. What am I without you? Maybe life could happen again, and maybe we could find each other in the future when we are out of our parents hold, but that does not mean we would still be in love with each other. We would just be ghosts of each other's pasts, haunting each other throughout each other's lives and making us each feel so alone. Who would I be without you?
Last but not least, myself. I can easily do so much damage to everyone around me. I have hurt my love before, and my best friend, and my parents, and everyone else. I am my own worst enemy, and I can destroy everything that lives. I fear that I am constantly on self destruct without my love, that I am already dead and wishing to **** everything due to my unhappiness. Only love can cure the dead in heart.

it was easier to
look into your
eyes today.

you helped me
with my math
and you looked
me in the eyes
but now i see
the real you and
you'd think i'd
despise the
way you judge
people so easily
and the way you
looked at her
when she came in;
it was like she was
the worst thing
that could happen
in your day.

yet somehow, i
stayed calm and
made you calm
down because
you bring out the
best in me and yet
i still love you no
matter how many
flaws you have.

does your fiancé do the
same?

Is it your friend again?
I couldn't look at him for fear he would know that you weren't a friend, you were so much more. But I just shrugged and kept looking down.
Are you stressed?
Oh yes, everything stresses me now. Eating, sleeping, even homework that is so easy makes no sense to me now. I've skipped every possible class I could in the past few weeks, maybe that's why I'm starting to fail a few.
Do you want to talk about it?
I look up and say "No, not really." And he sighed. Why can't I just admit it?
I know what will make you happy!
He smiles as he pulls out some college books and statistics. UC Berkeley and MIT are among them, waiting for me in the palms of his hands.
Very slim, but you're incredibly smart and incredibly weird. I know you could get into Berkeley if you tried!
Maybe, but there is a 35% chance of me getting into there, and a 10% chance of me getting into MIT. My odds are so slim...
Well I'll just leave you to looking. We can look at other schools with the major you would like to go into, okay?
Yes, okay, sounds fine.
The clock ticks away,
And I miss yet another test,
And another panic attack,
And another chance to scream what I've been wanting to for awhile.
Looks like the bell is about to ring, do you need anything? I can help you go to wherever you need to go.*
I'm not even sure where I'm going anymore.
I just know I want to draw rainroad tracks across my wrist and to feel my ribs once again.

his smile is so nice
like the sweet smell of christmas
or a surprise snow day
even the sunrise can't beat that smile of yours
mhmmm....
you remind me of christmas morning.
a child's face, excited for the presents.
excited for the belief of Santa.
excited because you know
someone cares for you.
i get excited everyday because of you.
excited for the presents of your presence.
excited for the belief of you.
excited because i know
you care for me
and i care for
you.

you are my christmas morning.
and that smile of yours gets me
everytime.

i told her that her jokes were
always funny. that they always brightened up
my day, that she was the one who brings a
smile across my face without even
trying.

but, then i told her that the one joke
that i couldn't tolerate was the one
about self-harm. she looked up at me,
and i swear her heartrate soared,
and then said,
"i understand, it won't happen again."
i looked at her, confused.
why was that so easy to say?
i then looked down at my wrist and
gulped a bit louder than i should,
and she got out from behind her desk
and then proceeded to say,
"I did it as well, i cut in highschool."

i stared blankly at her,
not expecting to hear that
she knows the fears i have.
she knows of what its like to
have a blade go across your skin,
she knows.

i hate that she knows.
i hate that she went through that,
that she knows that feeling.
i hate it.

but, at the same time, im glad
she knows, because maybe she can
be the one who helps me from
going on some relapse
frenzy.

i just hope that
maybe she wants to
be the one who
helps me.

so happy that you gave me
extra credit.
i was literally crying because of
the B i got on the test today
and then you realized how much
i wanted that A, so you
let me have it.

oh dear god, thank you!
im just so happy, ah!

she keeps saying I'm beautiful
but

I don't believe her.

I believe my proana friends.
they understand.

Im sorry if I'm too forward.
i do not only want your body,
i want your heart and your soul.
i want your mind and the way it
thinks so feverishly about details.
i want the heart that speaks
through your tongue.
i love the articulate words you choose
to speak, they keep my head
in the dictionary constantly.
and i want your soul,
you belong in the 1960's
but instead you're here with me.
and that, my dear, makes everything
about this worth while.

trust me, its a bit ****.
the way my hand falls gracefully to your bottom
and how you do not flinch away.
its not even a thought anymore...
its just natural.

you are a beautiful, natural thing, my dear.
every single part of us feels right.
and thats why i haven't run
away yet.

i walked into his room
asked if he had a minute to spare
he smiled and said of course
and then suddenly,
i got really nervous.
i started giggling all weirdly and
he started chuckling and asking, "what? what? whats
up?" and i said, "i have a game tonight and i can't play in it,
you should come and watch, you know, to uhh...
support us or something." and he laughed,
asked what time the game was at and said,
"ill be able to make it!" and i smiled so wide,
and i left while saying, "see you later and thank you!"
and he slowly said, "goodbye... goodbye..." all sadly.

don't be sad, i will see you later. we can talk in the stands
and watch the game together.

mhm...
you make my widest dreams come true one day at a time sweetheart.

Seeing those bands last night
Reminded me of
All the sweet things to
Live for.
Like all the sweet times I would've missed:
Cuddling with you
Failing at tickling you
Playing with your hair
Making you smile,
Laugh,
Cry.
Seeing you grow up
And traveling.
I wouldn't have the chance to
Maybe one day
Share a beautiful
Life with you
If I was dead.

I'm glad I
Didn't go through with
All the things that
I was thinking of.
I like seeing you
Living,
Breathing
And knowing that I
Mean something to you.

it was so easy to
sit next to him and
grab a donut. too
easy to say hello and
to pat him on the shoulder.
and yet, i wanted to stay there,
because he makes me feel so
comfortable.

then i left and walked towards your
door. i put a smile on my face and waited patiently
and then bam you came through the front doors and
hit me so hard with that smile of yours. i didn't realize how
much ive missed you. ive missed the way you talk and walk
and smile and just everything you are.... I missed you.

but, when you stopped to talk to some other guy i then
decided that i wasn't worth talking to because all i do is
flirt with you and that isn't okay, you're engaged and you don't
want me, no matter how much it seems like you do...

it wasn't you that made me feel non-worthy, it was that single factor
in the equation of us that kept me slowly backing away from your door,
into the hallway, and then out the door to my next class.

i wanted to talk about how i have a math test next period,
how i am taking two college courses and that one of them is
starting tomorrow! how even though my panic attacks are getting
worse, i havent cut in awhile. how my dad bailed on me once again,
and yet im kind of... okay. how i miss you and what i see in you isn't
just kid love. its real love....

it was so easy to talk to you too, but realizing how much i
needed you in my life compeltely ruined my confidence
and once again, i am back to ignoring you..

oh how i wish i could turn it off.

I'll be fine,
I promise.

If it's so easy to be bad
why don't I feel good?

i thought i could handle
not being yours but when
trying to describe why i
feel the way i do i just
completley breakdown.

i tried describing your eyes
to someone who has never had the
beautiful chance to be in your vicinity and
i could barely get through to the
part of where i compare thy
eyes to an ocean after a
strong storm.

what should i do?
its easier now to be around you but
should i even try?
you've picked me up and brought out my
wings but can i really fly?

oh dear, please tell me because
i'll drown without you here.
im drowning in the ocean that is
you and im not sure if i should
cry out in fear.

maybe im better off in a
kiddie pool.

****.

I want to travel all
Over the Universe.
You'd come with me in my
TARDIS
And we could eat fish and custard
Together.
We could be free and
Help aliens and
See what the
End would look like.
We could travel in time and
Space and understand
What else is out there.
We could travel forever
And regenerate if we must.
I just hope every time I do I
Don't lose my love for you.

He pretends to care
So much but
Then he becomes this
Narcissistic *******
Who can barely even look
At me.

i find it beautiful to be
made out of the universe.
atom by atom,
electron by proton,
we are the stars.
we are the
mysteries
within
us.

I either like girls or
older men and I guess
that's not okay to some
people, hell, it's not even
okay to myself, but I can't help
that I like the way girls look with
their ******* off or the way men
look when they have a 5 o'clock
shadow.

I really like the way he wiped my tears
away and they way she always was the
little spoon and the way he held my shoulder
and the way she just knew when i was sad and the
way he just showed me how the shadows are in
different colours of light...

*******, i guess im bi, but
hell i could be wrong.

He saw the back of
my phone case today
and he smirked widely.
The Polaroid of us sits perfectly
inside of my life proof case and
it must be important to me if
I can want to hold it everyday in
my palms...

If I cannot hold you in my hands
then I shall hold your photo instead.
Maybe then you will feel present
all through the day and night.

and I would like to thank my shower for always being there with me through everything. my shower has seen the most vulnerable parts of me, and not just because I am physically naked in there, but because my soul is naked there as well. my shower has seen me cry and has listened to my stifled sobs and my muffled screams, as tears mixed with the water flowing from the faucet. my shower has seen me make love and create steam with more than just the hot water, but with our hot bodies pressed against each other with moans escaping us as we smile and kiss. my shower has heard me sing every song known to man, and has heard me mess up... a lot. I say sorry to my shower, as if it has feelings, but maybe it's just because I'm so used to ******* up all the time. my shower has watched me in the worst time of my life as I cut open my skin to let the demons out again and again. the blood would mix with the water and I always wondered if the water pressure would increase in that moment because it was crying for me to stop. my shower has lifted up my spirit in times of need, like on the day she left because I knew something was wrong. so what did I do? I got in the shower, blared oceans, and sobbed for a good thirty minutes. I wasn't ready to face the day, but I felt a bit more ready to hear those 5 horrible words that I knew were coming for me, "I'm breaking up with you". and most importantly, my shower has seen me smile. it has seen me smile as I sing and fail to do so and it has seen me laugh because I have such a beautiful life, and I will be so much more than what I am now. I know this because my shower has shown me with its constant companionship, and that is why I would like to thank my shower.

ive never been enough
even in my mind,
i fight to win the rival that
never ends.
the only things that bring me comfort
are Doctor Who and Lord of the Rings,
mhm... yes i miss you and that smile
of yours dear god, it is like heaven.
but, you see, ill never be enough
ive always known that.
neither the doctor nor the hobbit will
come to save me.

i hate being so dispensable
i feel so bad for my friends and my family,
they have to deal with me all the time
but i guess when im gone
everybody will grab a glass of wine.

cheers, shes finally dead.
(i say this all the time in my head!)

oh dear, dont be sad,
be glad,
shes dead and the
demons are gone from her
blasted head.

(can i make the same end-rhyme twice?)

ive seen the pictures and gifs of
when people go to far when
cutting.
and honestly, i get
so scared.
to think that people can just
open themselves up and
let blood pour and
spill and not have a
second thought about it
because they are just trying to
let their demons out.

but then i remind myself that
i do the same and that i
could end up on the
bathroom floor if i
dont be careful and
end this addiction
i have.

you silly man,
you silly bibliophile..
you lover of green tea.
i never expected this to happen.
i never expected you to say
that you loved me.
i never did.

i'm not sure of
how you mean't it but
you see, i thought i loved you
earlier in the year...
and i do.

but, maybe not in the way you
expect it to be so.

I'm not ready to confess,
I want to stay in my hole
forever
And be safe from
You.

she asked me specifically,
"do you have feelings for him?"
i laughed and said no.
he probably sees me as a daughter,
nothing more.
but, when i went to sleep that night,
i dreamt of him.
some of it was physical,
but, most of it was just us
talking.

talking about physics and
laughing at jokes and then
him accidentally touching my thigh
when laughing and then me looking
up at him, giving him that knowing look
saying, "i want you, all of you."
and then we just... kiss.

i think the sweetest part of the dream
was the moment before our lips touched.
the heat between us, the smile that slipped onto his
lips and the way i leaned to my right.
you could sense the hesitation, but you could
feel the complete desire emanating from the both of us.

i remember waking up that saturday morning.
i touched my lips and still felt the warmth there.
the dream felt so real. and maybe one day it will be.
but, is that what i really want?

i remember him giving me advice:
when i find someone i love, remember to double check and see if he is the one you want to wake up next to in the morning and live the rest of your life with.
i remember picturing mike... not him.
but, mike always be my first love. the one true love that i really could
never ever reach.

i guess since i have to ask if he is what i really want, means that i don't.
i guess i just... i just don't really even know.

i miss the panic attacks that i
used to have
the ones that made me physically weak
the ones that made me shake and cry
the ones that told me that i am weak

sounds terrible, and they really were.
but, i'd rather the physical pain
and the emotional pain
than the psychological pain that i
go through when i have my "new" attacks.

my new attacks scare me so much because
i suddenly feel so unreal.
like reality is taken from me
and i can see myself
i can see the people around me,
i can see everything
and its exhausting,
being in that state of mind.
and then i start to hear things--
screaming people,
children laughing,
a constant voice just saying something.
these aren't my thoughts,
this is a new form of panicking.
and i hate every second of it.

Is it okay that I'm
Laughing
But yet still want to go cry
Like I did earlier in homeroom?
Is it okay that I
Want to hold onto him and
Make his shirt a
Deeper red
With my tears?
Is it okay that I snuck those glances
Hoping that maybe you'd do
The same?

Nobody acts the same with me and
I hate it so much.
Why don't you just pretend I'm
Okay instead of making me feel more
Miserable about myself.
Being mad at me doesn't make me feel any better.
It makes me feel even more useless than
I did with the things that happened with my
Stepbrother.

God, I don't even know where this poem is going any more...

I was in a
Car wreck today.
My seat got the worst,
No seat belt on
And I flew.
Luckily I
Put my hands up and
Grabbed the seat in front of me or
I would've died.

Funny how my
Wish almost came true.

Happy birthday to me.

I um, I haven't really had much of a conversation with you.
Like, a real one. You know, the ones about how the air smells
in spring or how the stars look at night.
But, I keep having this dream where I tell you
that I've always thought that it was my fault.
That I deserved what happened to me.
And to be honest, you are the only person who
makes me feel like it wasn't.
So, thank you.

I want to thank you for saving me.
At first, I hated you because you had to be the one who
brought me to the counselor that day. I was so hell-bent on
wanting to die, that I completely forgot my reasons to live
even though their hands were guiding me to the
front office.

Thank you for being there for me when no one else was.
For asking that oblivious question, "Is it boy issues?" that day in Math class.
For staying with me no matter what.
For being my friend.
For... caring about me.

Michael, thank you.
Thank you so much for everything you are
and everything you ever will be.
I want to wish you the best on your engagement
and I really do hope you live a long and prosperious life with your significant other.

I love you, I really do.

i wonder if the only thing worth missing about me are memories?

I've been stupid lately.
I do dumb things and I
Act dumb.
That's just me
But sometimes
It's uncontrollable and I
Feel bad.
You deserve to be treated better and
It's obvious that I need to work on
That.
Sorry bubs,
I will try harder.

its all my fault
thats all ive ever known.
i did this to myself.
i *deserved what happened.
i did this to myself.
its all my fault
thats all ive ever known.
i deserved what happened.

he deserves to be their favorite.
who cares if i make honor roll or
become president of every club
or becoming every teachers *******
(being a smart student, not the hot kind.)
or being respected or listening to my parents
or smiling even when im dying inside.
none of it matters,
because im the last choice between
you and i.

i always am and always will be.

I want to
Tuck you in at night and
Sing you to sleep.

I want to
Wake up next to you,
Big spoon and all,
And nuzzle in the crook of your neck.

I want to
Wake you up
By kissing you all over and
Saying, "Goodmorning Beautiful!"

I want to
Hold hands with you
And cuddle while watching your
Favorite movies.

I want to
Sigh as you
Find that knot in my neck and
Rub it till it's untied.

I want to
Hold back tears
As you read me my
favorite book.

I want to
Fall asleep
As I play with your hair and
Think about what'll come tomorrow.

waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting
for you to come through my front door
locking your dark grey sonata
to meet me in the kitchen
and greet me with your sweet lips
in the crook of my neck.

waiting for you to say
"Oh sweetheart, it smells delicious!"
and for you to ask how my day was.
Then sweet little 3 year old Michael Junior
will come running out yelling
"Daddy! Daddy! Look at me!"
with his cape on.

you'll greet him by picking him up
in the air and watching him as he flies.
he looks at you like you're his
hero, just as i do to you.

we all sit down, eat our food and
afterwards, i give little michael a bath and
we tuck him in bed. you'll read him a
bedtime story and we'll kiss him
goodnight and we'll leave a
night light on because hes
afraid of the dark.

we'll go in our room and get ready for
bed as well. we'll get in bed, talk about our day,
snuggle for what seems like hours,
and then finally, we'll end up hand in hand,
and so close to each other that nothing else
in the entire world matters.

we'll fall asleep to each other
rhymatic breathes and we'll wake up
to another beautiful day in our
beautiful lives.

waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting*

im waiting for something that can
never ever happen and i really
shouldn't be.

if only the stars aligned in my
favor for this, please oh please,
dear universe, won't you just allow
the teenager and teacher to
happen for once?

They said I needed to start
caring about myself and
not care about others.

I care about myself.
I'm better than ever.
I'm not happy...
but I'm not sad.
Why do they care anyways?

Yes, I do try and take care of others.
But, that's just who I am.
I love being the one who brings someone
else's spirit up.

But, apparently it is only making me worse?

Take away my phone,
Take away my life,
Take away anything.

To be honest, they are things I
can live without.
Yeah, they make life easier,
but, I am focused on getting the
**** away from y'all to be submerged in
my social life anyways.

So, dear parents, punish me and tell me that
I need to stop caring for others.
I've already gotten caring for y'all off the list,
who wants to be next?

i lay here in pain
waiting to find a way
to ask if you'll ever leave.
people often do,
and some say that you
would not mind forgetting
your feelings after awhile.
how am i supposed to believe
"i love you's" when you can
pull away ever so quickly?
the twinkle in your eyes
makes me believe in our future
but stories often told of the past
remind me that i am only a person
worth leaving.