Dreams taunt me at night,
Attacking my mind in hordes,
And I wake tattered.
What does it mean when I run?
And when with good I wrestle?

My hands are tied in knots
To sweet slicked railings
I'm slipping
Slipping
Dig your nails in deeper
to my consciousness
So I can hold on just a little longer
Before I fall into a deep desired
chasm
So hot
it sends chills down my spine
I'm drowning in touches
Breathing in vibrations
Eyes are meant for devouring devotions
Tangled in blanket waters

Kiss my pen harder
so my words imprint deeply
upon the sheets

you're beautiful
you're beautiful, it's true
and every time I look at you
you're just so **** untouchable
and it's okay
but it's not okay I think
for me, at least,
but really, I'm happy just being your friend
because that's all you want
it's healthier for us if we stay how we are
and I've come to peace with it
that I'll never touch your lips
or the delicate way your shoulders
***** down into your back
you're beautiful, it's true
but I'll never be with you.

I wake up and eat some eggs, a yogurt, and a few slices of melon
in an attempt to change my life
after all it is that or death
I won't hold my breath

It's a beautiful day to head to the mall
with a friend
I really know where this is going

Hmm
I like that shirt
Oops, this store doesn't offer plus size
On to the next..
I really like these jeans..
Forty five dollars for sizes sixteen and up
What a mess!

Since I refuse to let Lane Bryant **** my wallet in the ***
I decide to head to Barnes and Noble instead
I accidentally bumped into a lady and her baby stroller as I walked past and she mumbled
"Fat *****" under her breath
Yes that's what she said
I didn't even turn my head
Because that's what the lady said
and that's what society says
and instead of trying to explain it's just
easier to walk away
it's the self hatred after I dread

So I buy a whole pizza and eat the entire ******* thing
and it is beyond delicious
though the guilt I feel afterwards wasn't worth it
and vomitting that **** up was viscous

Even when I was a little girl I dreamed of being thin
I dreamed of being a model
I dreamed of having a flat tummy
Just to fit in
I didn't like the belly I had
or the fat in my cheeks
I was the only kid in gym that could never climb the rope
and that began a string of anxiety attacks
that would last for weeks

The doctor calls it insulin resistance
which leaves me with the inability to lose weight
but I shouldn't have to explain to anyone my condition
I just shouldn't have to explain
not to mention the ovarian disease that cripples me to my knees
which so happens to be genetic
and mimics the blood of a diabetic
leaving me incurable
a medical mystery
not to mention infertility
so for me
children are just a dream

Although I tell myself
that I am beautiful
and that I am intelligent
and that I am funny
and that I am a hard worker
and that I am successful
and that I am caring
and that I am loving
and that I am daring
and that I am the best **** friend a person could ever have
To a stranger I'm just a "fat *****"
and you know what?
That makes me really ******* sad

Sometimes
I still think of you
The way you smell
The way you used to hold me
You always knew how to make me feel right at home
I don't think
You know
How I have a scar on my heart with your name on it
And a box filled with broken memories
I've tried to push
to the back of my mind
where they can collect dust
So how is it that you shine
in my head brighter than any other thought
I thought I'd stopped looking for you in crowds already
Old habits die hard I suppose
I thought I stopped listening
a long time ago
Turns out I just had my volume set on low
I can still hear your voice
through the haze that consumes
my days
Like a church bell ringing through
a sleepy town
I've never liked church
I don't know what would hurt more
If you kept knocking at my door
Asking me to let you in
For old times sake
Or if you didn't

If you're the sun
Then I'm the moon
And I've always loved you
In some form or another
Moonlight is still sunlight
It just depends on how you look at it
And I've been turning my head sideways
Trying to see you differently
But no matter how I change
my angle
You still hang upside down
A fresh perspective
in a universe that obeys the laws
of human reasoning
You're a halo in a world of horns
You light up a room
Better than any store-bought chandelier
There is no replacement for authentic passion
Classic daring
Vintage charm
Pulling me to you like gravity
Cause if you're the sun
then I'm the moon
And I only wish to shine for you

Have you ever seen a paper flower
That smells sweet, very sweet?

Do you think nature didn't give it birth
And it has not fallen from above?

Yes.
It is still a flower that smells sweet
And always smiles in my pocket,

For a little girl had given it to me
Who had fallen in love with me forever.