It's hard for me to open up to people
Because I am not where I have been.
I put up a pretty strong wall and it takes a lot for someone to get past it.
I have changed alot.
I justified the things I did, because honestly I needed to.
I got so low, I tried to die. I tried to **** myself.
People don't understand that when you are that low you will try anything to get yourself out of that hell. Just for a minute.
So yes, I have gotten high and I have tried alcohol and I have vaped.
Am I proud of that?
No.
But in the moment those things distracted me from my head and that is why I did them.
Because if I could distract myself long enough I could make it through another day.
I was living in hell.
I still have hellish days.
If you do any of those things, you aren't a bad person.
If they are helping you make it through today then that is okay.
Find something to hold onto.
Anything
And eventually you will start improving and your life will change.
Don't be to ******* yourself, we are all trying.
Keep going.

Open your eyes
look at the ceiling,
okay just see it.
Walk outside and watch the sky
how it exists for you.
Honestly life is just about existing.
Put your toes in the scratchy grass,
think of all the bugs that might be underneath you,
they are just existing.
Watch as the flowers dance in the wind
they are performing for you.
The world is on your side.
Society is not,
but the world is.
put down the magazine
put down the phone
put down the calorie tracker
put down the social media.
lets go outside so that we can breathe
so that we can just simply exist.

cutting over fresh cuts hurts like hell
but I always end up doing it
because I deserve the hurt
I deserve to redamage myself
It's like when someone hits close to home
or when someone is kicking you when you're already down
I am just doing it to myself.

The minutes leak away
I just needed you to stay
I'm tired of sculpting gifts for you
Then you just shatter them on the ground
The pieces of me disrupt your path
I hope that you can flicker enough light to make it through the night
I would tell you to walk slow
Take your time
Be careful not to cut yourself
But you won't listen to me
So ignore my shards and run through the night to your other options
I'm so incomplete
Maybe that's why no one ever stays
I didn't want you to stay anyways
I have a room full of art that I'm too scared to share
Because it will end up scattered all over the floor without a care
You taught me that
Thanks for being a good teacher
Now I know that I'm not going to light anyone's way, I can't
You threw me away
I won't keep handing you my pieces
Plaster can't fix all of this
Flicker your way through life without me
It's better like that
I guess this is goodbye

Going to sleep isn't hard anymore
I'm so tired of everything that the exhaustion just takes over my body
Because that is where I am supposed to be
I am supposed to be resting in the ground
I am supposed to be gone
Unscrewing a razor from a pencil sharpener is where I am instead
Shoving a toothbrush down my throat
I tried destroying myself completely and it didn't work
people got angry
So instead I will keep going bit by bit until I can finally disappear

the tequila melting down my throat has the same burn as the antifreeze
I want to ******* drown in it

We used to swing under the big willow tree
We lived 3 doors down from each other
We were princesses who fought dragons
We could save the kingdom and find our prince by lunch time
Our moms laughed and talked about how cute we were
Four years old was a cute age

Fast forward a bit
We went into elementary school innocent and young
Boys had cooties
Girls had cooties
Kickball always ended with someone getting hit in the face
We would always sit out field and pick grass and shape it into a little birds nest
Life was good
Until your parents started fighting and I mean really fighting.
It scared me and I would have to go home
I would make you come with me
three doors down
Our moms didn’t laugh anymore
By Christmas break your parents were broken up and divorced
Eight years old was a confusing age

Junior high was mean.
Girls would rip you to shreds and then hang pieces of you on everyone’s lockers
Boys just wanted to make out
A whirlwind of uncontrolled hormones
We were the quiet ones
Always flew under the radar
Just trying to make it out alive
We found a little spot to eat lunch under the stairs where no one would go
We giggled and talked about boys who didn’t even know that we existed
I remember crying in the bathroom with you because people were brutal and we weren’t good enough
Our moms worried about us and how distant we were becoming
Thirteen years old was a sad age

Highschool is another story
You were put in the hospital for a month
I was left at school alone
I had to find more friends
I found most of them were fake
So I ate my lunch in a bathroom stall
Reading all the swear words that were carved in the wall
You were really sick and we grew apart
We were always close
We will always love each other
You tried to save me from myself
But I didn’t let you
Seventeen was an important age

Now we are at different colleges
I tried to **** myself while you were getting an A on your anatomy test
It’s sad
We don’t swing under the big willow tree or fight dragons anymore
Our moms hardly talk
You are a success
and I am a failure
We don’t really mesh
I miss you every day
I’m sorry I can’t be good enough for you
We were princesses who lived three doors down, we saved the kingdom.
I love you
I’m sorry this has faded
Just like everything else
Nineteen years old is a dying age.