I hope that one day I will actually be able to do things right.
I hope that one day I don't have to hide my head.
I hope that one day I will be skinny enough for ballet.
I hope that one day I can look in the mirror and smile.
I hope that one day I graduate college and move to a cute town.
I hope that one day I fall in love.

I am running out of hope
It's drizzling out my eyes and falling on the floor at my toes
I can't pick it up and put it back in my system.
I am running out of options.
I want to succeed but my life doesn't seem to work like that
I am so exhausted.

I grew up in a small town where normal was stupid and above average was normal. Girls wore their 8 extra curricular activities and 4.0 GPA draped around their necks with pride. Along with the boy who ****** them last night. But oh at church on Sunday they are still going to be virgins. Maybe I'm rambling. Maybe I have to rethink every word I say because, they helped destroy me. They helped me pick apart my body. Pick apart my brain. Maybe their designer clothes were okay. But the way they would shove others off their golden pedestals with a simple glance is what ****** me off. We weren't special like them. We didn't know the ins and outs. We didn't get the football players begging at our feet. We were gifted knifes in our backs that would leave traces of poison for years. Careful, word travels fast. We were expected to be like them.
I am so bitter.
But it's just because I grew up in a small town where normal was stupid and above average was normal.

I fall in bed at night
I can finally take off my socks
It's 98° outside
Branches going up my ankles
The shape of trees in winter
If my family saw
it would raise panic
I honestly don't care anymore
I don't care about anything
I want my body to be a canvas and a blade to be the paintbrush
Showing that I actually hate myself
You think you're okay until you see red
The moon picked up the knife
Slid it across my skin
Ink falling on the white tile
Words I could never say spilling out
This is not okay
But neither is dying
And this is better than dying
So this is my choice.
I am going to end up dead.

They shove me full of pills because something is wrong with me. I am a broken carnival ride and the pills are supposed to be the mechanic. They are supposed to fix me. My head is going insane. You don't care. The difference between me and you is I am in my bathroom and you are ******* someone in bed. The difference between me and you is I want to die and you want to live. The difference between me and you is I am dismantling myself and you are trying to ride me. I'm broken. The mechanics are making it worse. But don't worry the insurance covers it. The insurance covers my head. Can I lay my head on a soft train track? Insurance would you cover that for me? 4 5 6 pills. How will I feel, can someone ride me yet? I am destroying myself.

Overcast
Blended sea with the sky
She wondered why her tears reminded her of the ocean.
How they would flow in waves
High tide is at night
That's when the demons come out to surf
Through her head
Through the waves
Water
Salt
Empty
Stepping into the water she blended in.
Her mind couldn't tell the difference
She was the same
That's all she ever was
Gray
Mist
Clouds
The black storm clouds drift in through her ears and settle in her mind
Rain falls down her cheeks
She is sick of trying
Trying to be blue in a world that is so gray.

I wanted to numb myself.
Read the panic in my eyes
You should be pleased.
"Please speak to me"
The walls tumbling down.
I nodded goodbye.
I didn't matter.
I wasn't going to hang around.
I headed for the door.
"Wait"

YOU destroyed me
you shoved a knife in my back and didn't care when I screamed
I put needles of color in my arms
I chopped my hair
Dyed it black
Because you made me feel like ****
You made me feel like death
I need someone to pull out this knife
I have to sleep on my side now
The sharp edge scrapes my spine
It's infecting my head
You left
But your scar tissue will live on
I am glad you're gone.