witch’s heart, are you
glowing scarlet rivers
feeding life through
tired veins, are you
older than the soil
planting your feet
on the earth
taking root in deep green
forest, are you
bruised and purple-blue
fighting for the ache
that reminds you
that you are still alive

it is november again
the leaves are golden
and i am still
breathing

when november drips down
my windowpanes
autumn-heavy clouds
overhead
and the tick tick tick
of the kitchen clock
remains constant
uninterrupted
i sigh
disappointment
clouding my frostbite senses
i check again
once more
wishful thinking guiding
my shaking hand
and almost immediately
wish i hadn’t
and instead
left myself in the suffocating comfort
of blind hope

in low tones of
dusty rose
she spoke to me
heresy dripping
liquid gold from her lips
and to my untrained ear
it sounds like a prayer
ancient overlapping
of hollow voices in her own
she tells me
you were the one
the kind of woman
the world can’t help
but fall in love with
and she skims my arms
as she speaks
with tender feather fingers
slips into my skin
like a well worn jacket
sings sweet lullabies
one more voice
added to her mournful melody

and you were there
  - or the ghost of you -
a phantom trace
of fingers at the small of my back
feather-light gust of breath
unsettling the hair
at the nape of my neck
in the corners of my perception
i hear your voice
calling me back
to bed

i don’t know what it means
to give yourself over
to loving someone
to ache and tear at your skin
until your raw heart is exposed
to pine away
withering in silence
for months
and years
i give my heart to
every person i meet
and fill the empty spaces
with the love they give
in return

i ached
and i ached
and for all i lost
i loved tenfold

a thousand little sunsets
dot the paint drip walls
and hospital gauze curtains
filter light down
dust spots swirling
in the empty space between
me and myself

as the rose gold horizon
trickles down the hourglass sand
and pools in deep violet
i ask you once more
if you think i could have
done it any better
if you had given me more time

and your candy floss smile wavers
sputters and falls
and you turn your face
to the paint drip walls
counting my sunsets
one by one

and as the night
drips down the walls
like sweet molasses
i, too
go quietly
the sweet surrender closing
over my head

in autumn cold i lose the sound
of your voice, dripping
in hues of gold and royal blue
     - curse my pockmarked memory
for not retaining
the velvet tenor
of my name rolling off your tongue
like a prayer

the air is not quite winter-cold
but the wind cries names
into my open window
          - interrupts my nights

she knows
          - the wind -
the liminal stillness of a dark room
and a warm bed
when words are not quite
words spoken
meaning explained away
with a smile and a laugh
and a promise of rationality
in the morning

she whispers
soft raised skin against my sheets
when the warmth of the room
comes from the sound of you
and a flicker of light
on a cellphone screen

i close my fingers
around the summer-ripe blossoms
that bloom in the cavities
carved into my chest
spindle fingers on ball joints
reach their spread for my waiting throat
close sweetly
softly
flush red white red
white red
and as you flood
back into my cheeks
breathing life under my skin
in the gasps of air i hear your name
foreign to my own ears
my mother tongue knows you
like a nursery rhyme
innately
like you live under my skin
flowing through my swollen veins
like sweet honey

and behind the cracks
the chips in my cherry cola smile
the gilded veins
that piece me together
and hold me upright
a splash of lavender
coats my skin
tongue and teeth
the sunset paints me a scattered palette
throwing casts in dusted rose
and perfumed letters
of purple prose
folded into sweet threes
and locked up tight
with a smudged lip mark
over the seal

she slid out of my life
like a glimpse
at the corner of my eye
a summer breeze
a quiet sigh
slipping sideways over diner floors
she trips on her way out the door
     - so soft that i would not have known
       had i not heard -
and before i can
open my mouth
or reach out a hand to stop her
she is gone
the wind carrying the coffee ground
of her hair
in muted tones

i hold
your words like flower petals
pressing my fingers together
and my hands close
against my chest
to keep moments from slipping
out of my early morning memory

and as the sky paints itself
brushstrokes of peach and smoky violet
i tally up the petals
between my fingers
arrange them on my bedspread
in the shape of my child’s heart
looking for patterns
in the veins
and tears from over use
and less than careful handling

maybe one day
when the empty space between
folds in on itself
and leaves us
whispering into the same air
i will gather my handful
of memories
press them into the palms of your habds
and hope they weigh the same
to you
as they do to me

these are truths-

the scent of a jacket draping us in darkness. cold glass against my fingertips and the back of my neck.

     these are truths-

the dissonance of guitar strings abandoned. the smell of wood and brass and oil and the feel of fingers on my skin.

     these are truths-

the echo of concrete walls. her hand in my own and her lips on mine. traces of red lipstick on the corner of her mouth. a camera pressed between our bodies, forgotten around her neck.

     these are truths-

bodies pressed in on all sides. the feeling of stiff curls between my fingers. once, twice, again. i am in two places at once. second chances and first encounters are not mutually exclusive.

     (these are not truths-

tear stained cheeks hidden under the cover of night. long bus rides with unfamiliar hands holding my shoulders to keep them from shaking. abandonment and rediscovery months later. an unfamiliar face after years apart.)

     these are truths-

autumn leaves crackling underfoot. i run my fingers through your hair and the scent sticks to my pillow as i fall asleep. you are not my home but for the first time that is not a bad thing. hands clasped on long car rides west. an uncertain future. longing. wanting.

     these are truths-

me.

     these are truths-

you.

he is half my soul
as the poets say -
what *******

i am a whole soul
old soil
and you are the roots
that take hold in me
shifting and growing and
digging ancient cavities
in my chest

do you think
if i had met you
just a little later
waited a little longer

would we have lasted
instead of falling apart
in the way we did -

quickly
painfully

like blowing out a candle

my hands tremble
with the needing of it all
with the dark angry teeth
eating away at the cavity in my chest
like a starved animal
     one- one- one- one- one-
i count the ticking of the clock
in static numbers
the red needle skipping
like a record scratch
there and back and there and back
and there and back again

my hands tremble
with the needing of it all
and the hate and the hurt and the hunger
and the empty empty empty
before the slumber
i do not sink into sleep
unless, that is to say
like a shipwreck
fighting and howling and breaking apart
these days i feel too much
or not enough
and i miss the liminal spaces
so much that one would think
they were never there at all

and my hands

- my hands -

my hands tremble
with the needing of it all

i fall far too fast
a tidal wave of emotion drowning me
filling my lungs until i cannot breathe
under the weight of your sheets
i think
i am destined to be a fatality
seeking comfort in bulletproof arms
that tighten around my neck like a noose
you tell me
you love me you love me you love me
then throw me off the pier to sink
stones in my pockets
i fall far too fast
as the blue light turns to black light turns to nothing
i come to land within a shipwreck
the ruins of my past loves back to haunt me
telling me
i will always be this way
because i gather kisses like pebbles
and fill my heart with them
and tell myself that it is love
so when i am cast out
i have nothing left to do
but drown

i feel the weight of the universe
expanding in my lungs
pushing outward until it fills
the cracks and the spaces
between my ribs
i collapse outward in a scream
formed of stardust
bursting from me in a flood of emotion

i am too full for this hollow body
i am too old for this frame
i am too vast and ancient
to be contained
in a form that is not the sprawling forest
branching out at the roots
a living organism spanning miles
i stretch my arms wide
and touch the edges of
my feeble human consciousness
i **** at the heavy fabric
of the stage curtain
i rip it from its hooks
and stare at the vast nothingness beyond
and i feel infinite infinite infinite

i stare past the stars and the galaxies
and the thick clouds
birthing life from nothing
and i feel myself
unmade
the universe at home in my chest
spreading and pushing and ripping
until my skin
separates from my flesh
separates from my bones
and i am three incomplete lives
on the cold tile floor

i have lived through ages
i have lived through empires
i have lived through
the fabric of the universe
ripping at the seams and
bursting in a flash of light
to create life and vast nature
and love love love

your name rips its way
past my lips in a scream
and i am forced
to face my shortcomings
in the echo of words and
lips on lips on lips
feeling fading but never fast enough
to forget

i curse the day i ever saw your face
and found it kind enough
to smile at
i curse the moment i ever realized
you were worth the wait
because you may be worth the wait
and the pain
and the heartbreak
but i am worth stars
and galaxies

i am worth the creation of worlds
and endless life
and places too real and
immensely powerful
to be contained in a word
i am alive
i am alive

and i intend to stay that way

the cold winter air
caresses me like a lover
brushing icy fingers across my left cheek
tousling auburn hair
with familiar hands
across the street i see a woman
drop her groceries
and before i can stop myself
i am staring into headlights
with a hand outstretched
to help her

i can see where this ends -
slamming doors and shouting matches
and nights spent alone
or the slow decline of a flame
love dying out to embers of resentment
on nights when i can’t be touched
without feeling ghosts in my sheets
i can see where this ends -
if you fall down deep enough
all you get is a broken arm
and dirt under your fingernails
the rabbithole doesn’t keep you warm or safe
only in the dark
staring up at a patch of sky small enough
to cover with your thumb
(your hand, on top of mine)
when was the last time i felt so helpless?
you came out of nowhere
dragged me into the light
kicking and screaming
and denying my heart
(did i need to, after all?)
to keep you away from me
to keep you from slipping off the cliff
when i was already at the bottom
without even knowing
i can see where this ends -
the cold caress of morning
between sheets and skin
coffee and tea in equal amounts
the haze of new england
or the pacific northwest
pencils and pens tapping on wood
distracted brush of lips on flyaway hair
tracing freckles like constellations
chasing the scent of leather and ink
(do i need to finish?)
do i need to tell you where we end
when we haven’t even begun
to map out the pages of each other’s skin
or thumb through the volumes of our past
stopping to pause and smile at a photograph
or a hastily scrawled note
in the margins
take a moment to wonder
if maybe this was meant to happen
(i never thought i could say it again)
if you want
i can tell you
where this begins

she existed in the liminal spaces
between evening and night
a frosted marble statue
decorating the stone patio
in front of a white brick building
and she reaches out
her hands beckoning
any passerby
to spare her a glance
and a kind word
she existed in the liminal spaces
between love and apathy
a bright smile and blinding eyes
staring blankly into the shadows
in the corner of her favorite coffee shop
lifting her cup to her lips
a silent toast in my direction
telling me that
i did not go unnoticed
she existed in the liminal spaces
between your lips and mine
exchanging cold air cigarette smoke
between two lungs
like lovers
words dying as they hit
the cold november air
in the backseat of a yellow bus
and she breathes into the side of my neck
as i gather my thoughts into
words on my fingertips
and she tells me
he does not mind
she existed in the liminal spaces
between streetlights and mountain roads
hands on the worn leather wheel
screaming beautiful words
at the top of her lungs
she overlapped my melody
with her own
and in the pause between words
we switched effortlessly
gliding into the next verse
like practiced artists
and fated lovers
and the best of friends
we harmonized

the words stick in my throat like
honey in a spoon
coating my tongue and teeth
threatening to trip them up
on words like untied shoelaces
and fallen tree branches
as you reach through the phone
with spring blossom fingers
and dig cavities into my chest
looking for the heart that
you know sits underneath
in your wake lies regret
icy like melted snow
running down mountainsides
through creeks and ravines
chasing the cold winter air
and tugging warm spring behind it
with a noose of daisy stems
and i feel the newborn grass drop out
from beneath my bare feet
at the sound of your raw voice
traveling a distance too short
for me, and too long for you
and i tell you through my mouthful
of honey
that i do not regret it
for a single second
and i had more to say
but my jaws are glued shut
with sickly sweet resin
it is a miracle that i can
force them open long enough
for a 'good night'
and if you are disappointed
that i did not say more
i am not sorry
for refusing to force
my tongue and teeth
to say things i do not mean
to say to you
even if the words would
make you smile
that is not my lot in life
and maybe one day i can
try once more to be at ease
with the sound of your voice
in a small cellphone speaker
but for now
i will swallow thickly
around my mouthful of honey
and bid you
a bittersweet
farewell

we came together like a dying star
a single second that sparked a universe
chasing stardust through galaxies
i connect the freckles on your skin
like constellations
base elements forming life
in copper and green and deep wide black
i feel the expanse of skin on skin on skin
like honey dripping from my fingertips
as i touch the side of your cheek
a supernova of emotion
a collapse of everything that i am
and was and will be
forming existence in my own combustion
birthing oxygen in my stifled lungs
my heart takes off like a startled deer
crashing through trees and underbrush
coming to a sudden stop at the edge of a cliff
i stand on the precipice and stare down
at the rush of white water beneath me
and you smile up at me
raising your hands in invitation
i take a breath and step off the edge
only to realize that i am already at the bottom
five feet under and sinking
i struggle for breath against the weight
of the universe at home in my chest
suns dying and being born
in the sparks behind my eyelids
when i feel the press of lips
and the twitch of anxious fingers
and the ragged sound of ruin
in a dark room
you kneel at my feet and stare up at me
move your lips soundlessly
eyes wide and wild as the universe
as if to say
- is this okay -
it always will be
until the stars die out
and little by little
piece by piece
atom by atom
we become
stardust

if i could put a name
to the feeling of breaking the surface
after being underwater
it would rival euphoria
a phoenix reborn
from the ashes of a past life
taking a breath
of cool winter air
after a lifetime of drowning

in the quiet moments
where i no longer feel
like i am gasping for
every ragged shred of
air in my lungs
and for once feel
whole and untainted
by my own head
i close my eyes and
whisper my thanks into
the frosted air
telling the girl in the mirror
that i am proud of her
and she has done so well

i spend my silent moments
far away from home
on winding mountain roads
and with the wind
whipping through the
open car windows
pulling my hair into wild disarray
around my flushed face
i tighten my hands on the wheel
and as i break the crest
of the mountain
and watch as the setting sun
rises in reverse against
the falling horizon
i feel like i am flying
spreading wings to the western skies
no longer weighed down by waves and sea spray
and as i break the surface
i fill my lungs and say
on a steady exhale:

i am alive