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319 · Apr 2020
What Ifs
Lexa Apr 2020
What ifs
dance through my mind
parading one after the other
What ifs
swarm around me like a hive of bees
attacking at every turn
What ifs
rush over me
a tsunami I cannot control

I have been trained
I have the tools
I have the knowledge
but I cannot seem to find
the golden key
the solution has escaped me
and so I suffer in
What ifs
218 · Apr 2020
A Convict Revolution
Lexa Apr 2020
Stealthily,
dressed in black,
late at night,
wearing a mask,
I will steal
the guard keys
from the wall,
opening the cells
one by one,
letting out all
the hidden,
forgotten, and
wasted talent--
the painters,
the poets,
the rappers,
the cartoonists.
Together as an
unlikely union,
a mismatched clan,
we will show
the world
just how much
potential has
been unjustly
locked away.
188 · Apr 2020
Torn Between Two Rights
Lexa Apr 2020
I should be
a martyr
to society’s ways
I should nod
my head
say yes ma’am
I should play
with children
a big smile
on my face
I should spend
countless hours
doting over
my husband
I should sacrifice
my independence
and become
dependent

I have spent
so many years
learning that
staying true to
myself is more
important than being
a people-pleaser
but now I am
starting to doubt
this so-called
wisdom I
have learned
Would I rather
be right or
be married?
Must I not
sacrifice myself
for the unity
of my marriage?
145 · Mar 2020
Living Rent Free
Lexa Mar 2020
I carry you
In my bones &
In my blood &
In my soul
No matter how
Many times
I try to
Evict you
127 · Apr 2020
Help Me Want Your Treasure
Lexa Apr 2020
Your heart
is pure gold
a treasure
hard to
uncover
but when
I touch you
it is as if
the gold has
disappeared

-Help me to want your treasure
126 · Apr 2020
You Will Never Know
Lexa Apr 2020
I’m disappointed
you whisper
your strong hands
wrapped tightly
around my waist
as I wiggle out
of your grasp
not wanting this
moment to end
but knowing it
must before the
guards come by

I’m disappointed
I moan
as I realize
these few
fleeting moments
of perfection
comforted by
your touch
high from
your presence
were only
in my
dreams

I’m disappointed
though I have
one more chance
to see you
to talk to you
to place my
hand on your
broad shoulder
a supportive touch
to you
a loving touch
to me
I can never
tell you
about this
dream
120 · May 2020
Never Black and White
Lexa May 2020
I ended it for a reason.
I made my decision.
So why can I not shake you?
119 · May 2020
Searching for Words
Lexa May 2020
Some days
writing feels like
a trek up Kilimanjaro
118 · Apr 2020
Emotional Rollercoasters
Lexa Apr 2020
The higher
you are,
the more
hurt you’ll
endure.
Plunge from
elation,
you’ll pay
the price.
Lexa Apr 2020
Sit still, little soul,
tune into the cries
of your heart.
Time can never
be replenished;
it’s yours for the
taking, and it’s
yours for the
Wasting.  So use
each minute as
you want.  Don’t
let the pressures
of society steal
away your most
valuable asset.
112 · Apr 2020
I'd been Waiting
Lexa Apr 2020
hopelessly for an olive branch,
a smoke signal, a message in a bottle,
anything.  But instead, I resigned
to meeting you in my fantasies.

You, my muse, subject of
immeasurable writings, fixation of
endless daydreams, despite miles
between, years in the rearview,

an heirloom, rich and magnificent,
haphazardly tossed away, regretfully
discarded, a soaring balloon above,
me with nostalgia for a life now foreign.

Daringly the storm stirred, I the boat
rocking in your strong gale, make believe
winds replaced by the absolute, you,
the genie, made my dreams come true.

Together we danced the stranger shuffle,
shakey steps, dubious dos-à-dos, synergy
once had forgotten, muscle memory curtailed,
trying each other on like a new pair of shoes.

Brash beginnings lead to hasty endings.
I can only guess why you fleetingly flickered
in a now cameo role leaving me to recreate and
reminisce, wondering if you will return again.
110 · Apr 2020
Attitude Adjustment
Lexa Apr 2020
Lifting head from pillow,
eyes fluttering open,
sun shining in, presenting
a new cycle of choices

like sitting down for coffee
at the downtown diner
and selecting sweet or savory
to accompany,

or whether to wear blue or green,
heels or flats, skirt or pants,
to take a lunch or venture out,
a detour to the gym or the couch.

Bestowing others with kindness,
trying on tolerance or
looking down from your wobbly
pedestal, it’s yours for the taking.

To love your spouse or find fault,
to find the similarities or seek out
the differences, showing up with
love is yours to choose.
104 · Apr 2020
I am Sorry
Lexa Apr 2020
I won’t be like him,
A vow made with steadfast determination.
His anger, his screams, his short fuse.
Always walking on eggshells.
I. Won’t. Be. Like. Him.

Psychotherapy couches,
spiritual sojourns,
plunging into self-help books,
journaling away anxieties.
Years of not being him.

Just when I thought I was free of his spell,
a combustion out of nowhere,
unable to control the waves of emotions,
the past came back to haunt me.
Now you are walking on eggshells.
103 · Apr 2020
Come With Me
Lexa Apr 2020
Close my eyes,
pretend,
pretend.

Join me for my masquerade,
me, ferromagnetic
you, attracted.

Together we venture,
just for a night,
turning make-believe

into our own reality.
Throwing around
fancy words

habseligkeiten,
parapluie,
figurati,

as if we are aristocrat
and for this one moon,
you’re mine.
99 · Apr 2020
An Invisible Assailant
Lexa Apr 2020
As if
A tornado swoops me up
As if
My vision blurs
As if
Trapped beneath the ground
As if
Clawing for a way out
As if
I cannot breath
As if
Dying a slow death
As if
Completely smothered
As if
There is no more air to
Breathe
This is anxiety
99 · Apr 2020
Round and Round
Lexa Apr 2020
I hate myself when
I unleash the rage of a
roaring lioness.

When I hate myself,
my fangs and claws again show.
So the cycle goes.
95 · Apr 2020
No Longer Your Victim
Lexa Apr 2020
A bud in each ear, I walked
through snow, through rain,
across the green, across the streets
head down, gazing at the ground,
placing one foot in front of the other.
Some days, there was no sound,
no need, the effect was the same,
an excuse not to engage,
a license to be ignored,
a semblance of normalcy
where I didn’t have to feel
like the outsider I was.
I could choose to play that role
instead.
95 · Apr 2020
A Thousand Voices
Lexa Apr 2020
A Thousand Voices

Create a symphony of solutions
(confusion.)
The fearful friend
(misery loves company they say),
exclaims, Don’t do it! You’ll be
lonely the rest of your life.
The spiritual guru
(enlighted, so listen, right?)
peacefully proposes, Just
observe, the answer is within you.
The realistic pal
(reminding me I still have work to do),
proclaims, You’ll be wishing for
what you had once he’s gone.
The conniving critique
(you will hear what I have to say),
shouts, You’re such a failure!  
No wonder you can’t be loved.
The spokeswoman for the quarter-life crisis
(my potential!)
whispers, Get it right.  This is your
only chance in the game of life.
The satisfied sidekick
(change is harder than comfort),
sermonizes, You’re happy enough.
You need to count your blessings.
Lexa Apr 2020
Busyness is my tourniquet,
keeping feelings at bay,
working hard to stop the flow of
Loneliness
           Despair
                     Anxiety
                               Depression
                                         Heartache
                               Anger
                     Jealousy
          Agony
Resentment
Trying to manage the pain
so all I can possibly feel is
happiness.

-How I stunt my emotional growth
94 · Apr 2020
Pièce de Résistance
Lexa Apr 2020
Shattered into
several scraps,
an inner sculptor
surfaces and
I spawn
a shining,
salvaged
showpiece.
93 · Mar 2020
I Cannot Forget
Lexa Mar 2020
I pucker my lips at
The taste of
Bitter memories
Unable to wash out
The aftertaste

The sourness lingers
Forming into
Resentment
Despite my desire
To love
You
82 · Apr 2020
Writing the Pain Away
Lexa Apr 2020
Traditional, tried and true,
stored in cabinets and dresser drawers,
a child-proof ***** cap away from
relief

...still waiting, so many headaches
gone in a ****, a sign of appeasement
of a pain far away, but this feeling
lingers

...anxiety, until I pick up the ink.
modern, new age, alternative they say,
no matter, the strife flows onto the page,
reprieve.
82 · Apr 2020
Replaced with Right
Lexa Apr 2020
There is no such thing as a wrong choice.
There are only past right choices
that give way to new right choices
in the present moment.
81 · Mar 2020
Will You Accept Me?
Lexa Mar 2020
Mother,
I dream I am
Your pristine beach
Making you feel alive
I dream I am
Your porcelain doll
Magnificent and revered
I don’t want to be
Unseemly litter dotting the
Sandy white shores
I don’t want to be
The growing crack that
Causes you concern
I dream you see me
Unique yet flawless
A piece of art
In progress

Daughter,
I dream I am
Understood like
A well read history book
I dream I am
Your patchwork quilt
Providing memories
And warmth
I don’t want to be
The comic book villain
You root to see demolished
I don’t want to be
A throwaway blanket
Tucked neatly in the attic
I dream you see me
As your own
Superhero
79 · Mar 2020
Blinded by Ignorance
Lexa Mar 2020
How easy to act
as if those characters
In the books are
make believe
How easy to act
as if those struggles
faced by others
around the world
are fantasy

Just wait until
the unthinkable
the unbearable
the unsolicited
strikes your life
like an unsuspecting
bullet in the night
Everything you think
you know
everything you think
you believe
will suddenly be
flipped upside down
Then come back to me
look me in the eyes
and tell me
it was all just
make believe
77 · Mar 2020
Take It Back
Lexa Mar 2020
Selfish
The echo
Reverberates like
Nails on a chalkboard
Sand in my mouth
Predators pouncing on prey
Cars screeching to a grinding halt
Did you just call me
Selfish?

I protest
I state my case
Pledge my promises
Defend allegations
As if I am in a
Court of law
Combing through
And divulging
Every shred of evidence
To the contrary
To prove to you
I am not
Selfish
74 · Mar 2020
Will I Ever Learn?
Lexa Mar 2020
how many times
must I fall
into your trap
before I learn?

how many times
must I sacrifice
my dignity
before I move on?

how many times
must I allow myself
to play victim
before I emerge
my Hero?
Lexa Mar 2020
My smile
Expertly conceals
A dagger with a
Freshly sharpened blade
Ready to puncture

My smile
Hides the barrel of
A loaded firearm
Cocked and ready
To confront the masses

My smile
Masks the inner protest of
A fiercely bellowing voice
Inflating the insides of
A soundproof cage

My smile
Douses the outside flames
Lessening the external damage
While the fire burns
Furiously inside

My smile
Forces the tears to stay
Trapped behind floodgates
Zipping up the truth that
Cannot be told
68 · Mar 2020
Attention Chaser
Lexa Mar 2020
Lights of the virtual lifeline glow
The wild rush of anticipation
Weaving a tapestry through every
Crevice, cell and pore
His name flickering on display

Within an instant, fury fades
All sins and unreturned smoke signals
Restored to forgiven status
Forgetting each ping only occurs
When the unbeknownst hour strikes

The momentary high impairs all
Judgment as fingers dance
Across the screen forming witty prose
Any measures necessary for
Another hit to the fragile desperate ego

Failing to remember
The flame of attention bright
But temporary, modern age
Self-esteem precariously lit &
Soon to wane
60 · Apr 2020
Stay Away...Far, Far Away
Lexa Apr 2020
Stay away! Don’t get near me, don’t you dare look
in my direction.  I will avert my view, thinking sin into your soul.

Stay away! You *****.  Contagions, toxins seeping out of
your pores.  You say no, I don’t see them, but I know.

Stay away!  You monster.  You murderer.  You show
your lawlessness on your sleeve, free for all to see.

Stay away!  You cleared your throat!  An atrocity, the newest
crime in the penal code.  Congratulations, you are now a felon.

Stay away!  There is no such thing as normalcy.  All those times
you ventured into our world with a cold, you were forgiven, pardoned.

Stay away! But now the rules flipped upside down.  Conform, obey,
bow out of deference, or else you will be tweeted about, social media shamed.

Stay away!  Is this really how we want to live, creating strangers
out of neighbors, spawning judgment out of regularity?

Stay away!  And now I am marked, green lighted, your newest
bashing target.
59 · Apr 2020
Four Years Ago
Lexa Apr 2020
My heart thudded,
my body rumbled
an internal earthquake,
an explosion of fireworks,
just at the thought
of seeing you.

I imagined conversations
we might have:
I imagined you
hating me...
I imagined you
engaging me...
I imagined you
wanting me...
I imagined you
abandoning me...
I imagined you
loving me...
...again.

I never did see you,
but I wanted to.
Am I still in your thoughts too?
59 · Apr 2020
Small Luxeries
Lexa Apr 2020
Berries, bursting brilliantly with color, nature’s
perfect package, miniature, refreshing, oh so sweet,
staining away the grey, breathing life into the mundane.

Soaps, fancy shapes exploding with hidden gems, a gourmet feast
for the eyes and senses, ice cream for the skin,
nourishing the wounds of routine, soothing emotional pangs.

Essential oils, aromas wafting, bringing cheer and warmth
throughout the house.  Just a touch, merely a few drops, invisible
yet calming, nurturing.  Precisely like love.

My treasures may not hide behind large gates, protected
by a price tag, a dream but for a few, ostentatious,
dazzling, commanding oohs and aahs.

But my abundances light me up.  I glow amongst the stars.
A cherry on top, the icing on the cake,
an ambiance of royalty, these small luxuries create.
59 · Apr 2020
I Pretend
Lexa Apr 2020
I chop
the carrots,
dice the onions,
and fold the
laundry as if
all those years
of your hovering
don’t really matter,
but my insides
scream at you.
57 · Apr 2020
I Would be a Rockstar
Lexa Apr 2020
I wonder what
Nobel Peace Prizes
I would win, what
accolades I would
accumulate, and what
notoriety I would
claim if all the
energy I direct
at you I instead
casted at the
world
Lexa Apr 2020
Four blocks east and two blocks south,
The man with the tophat tips his cap.
No, no, five blocks west and carry on north,
The young woman curtseys and nods.
You’re doing it all wrong.  Thataway,
The lad in a crisp suit points with confidence.
Take the underground far east, it’s faster,
The butcher mumbles as he serves his customers,
It’s a long, long walk, do you have good shoes?
The mother pushing her stroller remarks.
It’s a cinch.  You’re almost there,
The man on his morning jog assures.

And so I carry on,
this way and that
around the town,
untIl I find myself
back at
the intersection of
indecision.
47 · Apr 2020
When Anger Breaks
Lexa Apr 2020
Yours words, your attention,
your attractiveness, your stature.
Charismatic, alluring, yet callous,
calculated, barbarous.  Unforgiving.
Poison wrapped in shiny gold.

Too many times I have succumbed
to your captivating spell, voluntarily
imbibing the intoxicant, your bewitchery.
Now gulping down my own elixir,
anger pumping through my veins.

Fury.  Rage.  Passion.  Insulated,
suited up, armored, ready for impact
as I stand brave behind my shield of
antipathy, the only reliable tool in my arsenal
to combat your charming ways.

Your attempts, your tries to infuse
yourself back into my heart, thwarted.
My indignation keeps me strong
until the mere sight of you
induces a ***** in my my armor.
I fall into your arms.

— The End —