Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Dancesong soul your
gentle yet competent –oh so competent—
fingers are mesmerizing with
chipped baby blue nail polish
adorning the clear keratin
you often forget exists.

you also quickly cease to remember that
You Exist.  kaleidoscopic and symphonious
tremors of life can break
you in violent waves or soft
eucalyptus scented embraces
oscillating between ecstasy and
euphonious melancholy
is Okay.

raging with life
stay vivacious and full of
sweet scented oils and soft yet strong
--oh so strong—
unrelenting
music.
for my dearest friend
 May 2017 ellie bean
Josh Bowman
or-ange, mango,  
banana too,  
hell-bent on regretting you.  
campfire-chair-sitting on hardwood floors  
in a stranger's home, i think.  
turn off the lights, it's raining.  
i had some to drink (not enough)  
but you had to drive  
but so did i.  
turn off the lights, it's raining  
on the bannister,  
your piano-key-fingers cascading over my  
carpals, metacarpals, phalanges too.  
topple me into a room  
but today it's not for laundry,  
‘cause the only thing that's getting washed away
is my record of not saying  
i love you (in my head, because
strangers
don't say that to each other).  
you lassoed me in and we fell  
into the empty hangers that i pushed away from you;  
shadows on a skeleton’s scapula.  
tabloids never told me that three months’ salary couldn't  
buy the rights to the song  
of your heart beating darkly in your chest.  
turn off the lights, it's raining  
and you can't see the way i  
feel you.
so much music and there are clouds outside coloring the sky grey (or is it gray no I'm not British) and the green trees contrast against it like black notes on a sheet of pale white music.

music is pale white and thick black but more color is drawn from it than from anything else on earth.  grey skies are like sheets of music and I find more color in them than in the sunshine.  clearly I am eager to please eager to learn but perfection is hard is humanly impossible and music is all about perfection.

SO MANY BE VERBS

my violin professor smells like green naked juice and something sweet and over-chewed mint gum while his short nailed fingers tiptoe accurately onto pitches I awkwardly slide into. my fingers are shuffling like an introvert dancing to the YMCA in public for the first time.  I am deeply humiliated by my incompetence.  sometimes I want to cry when his pitches mock mine but somehow I remain placid which is rare for me.

baile baile baile black dots and rain drops
crescendos and silver painted toes
sad eyes and arpeggio tries

someone said music is the most intricate concept in the world.  it connects the whole brain and captivates controls enthralls the movements of the body so frustrating I want to pull my hair out.  

extraordinary be extraordinary be EXTRAORDINARY they all scream into my bleeding ears and I crumble because carrying that responsibility is impossibly euphoric and tragic

proof proof I demand proof that I am alive
I'm not sure what this is
not quite sad more of an intrinsically motivated obsession with the universe that inspires a certain degree of sadness.  like the first time I kissed his neck and the universe understood this intrinsically motivated obsession and inspired a certain degree of sadness. there is reality and there  is my reality

and mine is unavoidable and thunderstorms in-front of and behind me and graceful rain on my head at all times and so much so so much to think about it and the fruit snack wrapper on the floor is blowing away and the fan is clicking and I have math to do but I don't care what a radian does

I only care that I don't see a god in the millions of dying people and the four year old locked in the basement of her addicted mother's house. Hemingway says that all thinking men are atheists (and women this is 2015 and I am brilliant) and I am pure atheist except when rain comes down and I believe that everything is connected in some way

and I sat on the trampoline with my 13 year old sister and let the rain fall on my face and slide down my shirt and drip into my belly button and I think I reminded myself why we are alive and then the lightening scared me enough to shake my doubt away

we are all okay sometimes.  and my brain is exceptionally faulty--frontal lobe doesn't act normally and she told me that it's like it flies away and I can't find rationality until it settles and comes back to earth and I am rarely on earth.  and I scared him because too much passion can break more than glass and

it's hard to realize that for every second I hate it is only because I love to the point of insanity and I can't hate unless I love unless I am drowning
in hopeless desire for more than human for invincibility and driving with the windows down and music blaring everything else out

then I remember I am someone else's child and it is only fair to care for that girl so I slow down
I put my arms out every time I walk in the wind so maybe it'll take pieces of me with it and turn me into the alive person that i crave that I desire that I fume for much more than

touch

but I can't just be touched to feel love I just watch eyes to remind myself why this planet is here why the oceans are filled with salt why people are dying to live why people are living just to die

I love again each day right after convincing myself I don't and it's not touch I remind myself how to live in those eyes and I broke the glass the glittery strong slippery now shattered glass so the least I can do is let the glass fix itself slowly

but I don't believe in god I believe in love and rain and passion and desire and this is my catharsis
this is fascinating
I don't know where these words came from
 May 2015 ellie bean
Vivian
after tastes like aftershocks,
pineapple lips and papaya tongue.
sunshine sloshing
all over us like liquor and
your hair so like shale
soaking beneath the sun.
Artemis is goddess of the moon:
where did you think lunar witches came from?
xanax bar after xanax bar
laid upon the vanity, crushed
and powdered up, snowdrifts
in blue and white.
oranges and blueberries and mango
in your lap, juice
across your thighs and earth in your mouth.
I have no filter
raw naked bare authentic exposed heart emotions
constantly pouring into the open
humans are desperate for fidelity
and I know nothing but that

let's play a game
I'll hold up your pride
keep the walls
and stand alone to watch
you do your dance
and dissipate
from mainstream
even more than you already have

I know what I want
let's play a game
let's go
lips become cherry red when I cry
and chasing cars hurts from my ears
                                                 down to my toes
because it was never wasting time

   I almost killed my jeep battery
(forgot to turn the lights off)
             drinking coffee to Iowa cornfields and a resurrected yearning
maybe I'll leave (I want to)
            --LA, Paris, Austria, Versailles, Rio, Carmel, Amsterdam, Mumbai--
I'm audacious and arrogant--much too proud of
                               my flaws
leaving would be easy: intoxicating
like caffeine
       stars
       fear
       laughing kisses
but staying means home and English and standing out like a sore thumb (a beautiful one) in public
            and the people I deeply love
                                      (and need) I can admit that now
so I'll watch the Capri Sun orange sunset
once again tonight
and try to intoxicate myself with
               cornfields, sassy 8th graders, my beautiful examples of true love, ADD, bashful boy,
                       and pieces of the world
  
                                                        ­              on my body
read read read
litter my body
with art
ornate drawings paintings mixed colors
silver gold clay copper jewelry
I don't mind bruises
(any kind)
thud thud thud through my heart
litter my ears heart throat
with songs that shake my aorta
unbalancing my Eustachian tube
deafen me to everything else
and I will breathe in until my lungs ache
(pulmonary artery backed up--too much oxygen)
the air full of wrong lust love hope rain sun speed disease panic difference bodies hate sky and infinite space
I must know what it feels like
to be
fully fully fully
alive

(I won't miss a thing)
focus focus focus
I know what love tastes like

sort of like the warm berries on your lips
mixed with chlorine and
       cheap pink perfume from a plastic spray bottle
              like lukewarm coffee that was carried on a bike by a underage boy  
  it tastes like jealousy on the roof of my mouth
at the success and intelligence that sweats from him
    like
pride that overwhelms me--a wave of warm sunshine
like a cold metal ring in my mouth (biting it nervously--the raw disruptive taste of metal waking my senses)
as I say goodbye for the day
(or week)
here we go
 Feb 2015 ellie bean
Vivian
foreign
 Feb 2015 ellie bean
Vivian
how eager we are to forget
where we came from,
as though we weren't
dirt beneath God's
meticulous manicure mere
fractional eternities ago.
you stopped talking to me
just days ago, but
it feels like epochs;
time dilates in strange
manners, it truly is alien.
there are civilizations
that simply do not
measure time; things happen when
they happen, and that
is that. foreign concepts and
foreign languages slipping across
the tip of my tongue, while
foreign tongues work their way
into your every orifice.
I'm laying in bed, last night
was a bust, I drank a
little bit of whiskey but
not enough, it rained but
only briefly, and I
did not have fun but
I cannot complain;
at least I don't need
you anymore.
Next page