in the beginning
you were my fire

your breath like flames
igniting a spark inside of me
giving me life

but you are no longer fire

all that's left of your fire
are the ashes of my soul that coat my tongue
*whenever i dare speak your name

What were you –
When your lips would part
And incoherent words
Would fall from your mouth?

Where were you –
When the sheets were tangled at my feet
While his arms were laced around my frame
And his breath smothered my thoughts?

Who were you –
When I would implore
That you open up and help me understand
The world you call your own?

How were you –
Able to let me fall from
A ledge while you stood there
Not even looking my way?

When did you realize –
That it was not me you wanted
But the mere thought of me
Which brought you to think
That you were in love?

you can't say that I was the one who kicked you out of my heart, when I spent months kicking and screaming, begging for you to come back to me. I sat, festering inside myself for days, and did nothing but stare at the walls that had a nasty habit of only showing where your fingers brushed against their sickly white barriers. walls.
I'll never forget the pleasant  cool feeling of the staccato wall of our high school,  pressed up against my back when you first kissed me. I'll never forget the day I wrote your name in the sand. I'll never forget the day that you built a wall so high around your heart, that not even you would dare to reach inside, for fear of falling in, and never finding a way out. I used to pretend that after the years, you'd let down your flowing golden rod hair, and I'd climb my way back into your soul, but I see now why they call happy endings like that fairy-tales. I loved you then, and I love you now, but you are no longer the bearer of my soul. you no longer hold my beating heart in your cold hands. I've spent weeks scaffolding the burnt brick built up about your breast, refusing to look down, refusing to see reason, to look to the crashing sea below me, but the trembles from your wrath shook me off and broke me down, and sent me plunging into the churning sea below. the powerful waves, held me down, stole my breath, broke my strength. It was what bound me. kept me in delusion. yet, it was bliss, and the choking vice around my lungs rid me of the hunger and the pain. I let myself drown in you, and drifted, broken, to the new shore. I allowed you to flood my lungs to keep me afloat. little did I realize, it was your iron grasp on my heart keeping my head above the waves. or was it my hope for you that held me up? was it my optimism of a better place that drifted me? I guess I'll never know.
it is with new legs, and fresh face, that I humbly walk these new shores, that I bear my heart and soul to breathe another lover's name, once again.

(a.m.)(e.a.h.)
08/19/14

I started smoking cigarettes again

Something about having another thing burning between my fingers

Besides your hands

Makes me dismiss the feeling that lingers 
when I think of you

Since I can’t have your taste in my mouth

Menthol will have to do

I am addicted 

Isn't this sounding familar?
You **** me inside starting with my lungs

Like the small nicotine sticks do with every inhale

I would much rather your slender fingers in my hand

But for $10 a pack they last around a lot longer than you do 

No matter how much you rot me from the inside out

A piece of me will always be yours

Always

Your love is unhealthy and infectious. I find myself ill with revolt. I'm bedridden; shackled by abandonment and chained by regret. I need an exorcism to purge me of your sin. I've been telling you for months that I wish to be clean of these mind-altering drugs, yet you keep coming back and finding your way into my veins. Who knew that something as delicate as flower petals would be my demise? Who knew that sandy beaches and empty street corners would eventually be the death of all sanity? You doused my heart in gasoline and told me to set myself on fire. Little did you know that the spark inside your eye was enough to catch us both aflame. I used to think that if I couldn't have you, that I'd rather be alone, but now I find myself taking that wretched curse of my past, and carving what's left of you out of my skin. Sadly, the ravines and trenches on my wrists will forever be a symbol of the day I learned what it feels like to break. I woke up screaming last night (every night, oh god, every night), and rose to a room bathed in red, with sacrificial bruises around my throat. I laughed because I realized that my own hands were to blame, not yours. My mind is starting to cave in on itself, and these four walls are getting closer and closer. I'm scared. I feel disgusting and I'm begging you to please, let go. I gave you everything I had. You've taken my spare change and kicked me in the ribs, abandoning me in a crowded alley. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SCREAM OUT YOUR NAME UNTIL IT STOPS MAKING SENSE? WHEN WILL THE STARS QUIT POINTING IN YOUR DIRECTION, AND WHEN WILL YOU RELEASE YOUR FINGERS FROM AROUND MY HEART? I HATE MYSELF FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR HYPOCRISY. I HATE MYSELF FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR GAMES. I HATE MYSELF FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR PAST, BECAUSE ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE A PART OF YOUR  FUTURE. GET OUT OF ME GET OUT OF ME GET OUT OF ME GET OUT OF ME GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUTTOUOUTOUT-

(a.m.) 06/26/14