I keep hearing of this master plan,, the grand plan,,, and NO,, don't try to preach to me,, I know the whole bible,, even the banned scriptures.
I have searched for answers but found none.
I am tired of carrying this cross, I cant do this any more.....

I have been to churches,, I have heard the preacher sell hope like my mother sold me,, God's master plan right?
I have had to dogged bullets in the darkest places, have had to carry peoples dreams and responsibility in my own highway of dreams.

I have had to die so that some can survive, Never loved so that someone can get a second chance in life.
Truth is being a saint did not help me, made miserable.. still does..
Can I please change the canvas? or bring in new colors..

Perhaps beyond the horizon there is a new background....
A reality that man denies himself..
A lighter burden perhaps...
or more reverse psychology to make me face tomorrow

I keep checking on my phone from time to time.
I think I am hallucinating, seeing that red beep to indicate that someone pretends to care about me.
I hit the refresh button on my browser,, May be Facebook has something for me,, Or all these other billion apps.

But No,, the world don't care about me. I take a moment to exhale before I jump into my safety net.... reality.. I think we all want to belong somewhere..
I want someone to notice when I am gone... I want someone to care when I fake a smile.. or throw a dramatic tantrum.. That someone used to be you.

The truth is life is busy being life ... and you are busy holding someone in your arms,, where I belong. You are busy wiping someone's tears away that I drown in my own pool of tears.. You forgot me... just like that.. its like I never existed ....... Do I even exist?

My inner being struggles to keep the inside wall standing
Suicidal thoughts invade me... paralyzing me.
I am ****** down on memories I would rather forget .
This is the pain that I long buried, I invited the blind spot in my mind.
It was there that I laid out my deepest darkest secrets/fears.

I keep dipping in out of these shades of pain.
Every time these waters that I drown in become darker, reflecting my cold soul.
Lately I have been drinking like there are answers in a bottle, Lately I have been taking this white little pills to free my self.

I drown myself this toxic pool, my pain and I float into the sunset.
For a brief moment I see rainbows and unicorns dipped in magic.
I believe in fairy tales and the fact that love exists..
For a brief moment I forget my conception was the day God signed my death sentence...

I put pen to paper as I try to express my emotions.
I put blade to skin as I try to draw my pain .
I scream and shout as though life would look back and give me another chance.
After relentless echoes of my piercing wail I start to do my ***** laundry on the streets. Society glares at me with utter disgust.
What they see is a figure who does not belong.

I am a man in a foreign place, a foreign object I suppose.
Like a speck of dust I cling onto the open space..
May be someday I might belong somewhere, anywhere but here.
Because this place refused my ***** laundry.

And so she edited herself
to forgive herself.

Because I failed to fit into the boarder lines of society I am an outlaw.
I color my skin in 50 shades of make up, what they dont know is that what they see is 50 shades of pain, 50 shades of ****** up, 50 shades of death under the moonlight,

As I  lay by the beach side death caresses my skin, we lay side by side.
watching the sun set, we talk about the future, horror stories that lay beyond the horizon.
beautiful shades of red that the world is yet to see.

I edit my skin because I wish that life would take a second glance at me... these emotions I go through, these smiles, cries and whatever I do to seem human are my 50 shades of pain.

I run to my friends with all these fears and they tell me it will be OK.
I cant put it into words to tell them how I cant sleep, I cant breath
How I lay in my bed everyday and cry... Tears that stream down my face are of mixed emotions, but the truth is I am tired
How I wake up every morning with a pounding head and how long I have been popping pain killers.

I keep chasing shadows that I will never catch, In my own highway of dreams I  have been letting through people's dreams and never mine.
I am tired of society's high bar, the stuff we  have to do be accepted to be loved.
This is a burden I cannot carry, a cross I can no longer bear.
So in this open space I crucify my empty soul.
In these empty space i divorce society and life because I cant any more.

I lay awake at night because I am afraid that I will become a failure
I fear that I will be worthless , unwanted and never thought of.
I open my eyes to look into the open space,, thoughts crash through my mind......


What if my life is a waste, what if society never accepts me for who I am because the hang onto ideals that are null in today's world.
What if my family is not proud of me or if I never live up to the "figure" of me they have painted in their minds.

Everyone wants to belong somewhere, belong to someone and be loved
I am for asking for billions, I am not asking for a diamond ring , What I ask is that these fears never come to pass,, May the disappear into thin air,
may the fade away ,, fade away like memories of me  in the hearts of those that I love silently......