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One Pusumane Sep 2014
Yesterday I read this funny joke and I immediately dialed ur number....
After a few seconds of battling with reality I hung up.
I went into the deli today and ordered your favorite meal... I never like it but yesterday was different.. it was like part of you was there.

I slept on your side of the bed ... I somewhat thought it would make me feel better and close enough to you but no... it *****!
I think I am finally accepting the fact that I miss you so much that it hurts,,,
I cant breath,,,,, sleeping is a mission because every night I cry myself to sleep.... and I wish you were the every time...to hold me in your arms ,, tell me its going to be Ok, that you are there for me... But these are just thoughts and desires... glimpses of the past that I can never have back...

I cant pretend anymore.. I miss you... .....
One Pusumane Sep 2014
I make writings on the wall as I try to convey my true feelings.
I can no longer feel my heart beat.. I am just there.. living for nothing.
I loved love and it did not love me back.
I carved out its name onto my chest,,,, swept it off its feet but no....

I carried the burden that came with "love" because i though the end would be bliss..
Not pure agony and stuff.. I thought love was supposed to be beautiful
I thought love was supposed to make me have this feeling in my stomach that made me feel like i could be invisible

I woke up today and I realized i have been living in a bubble.
I realized love dont love me  no more.. it never did.
I lied and told myself it was LOVE  because that was the only way
the only way i could deal with the pain, disappointment and my excuse for a life.


So... why love love when love dont love me?
One Pusumane Sep 2014
You let me down every time....
Your judgement destroys whats left of me every time,,,
Instead of letting these tears fall I prefer to smile..
I throw the lamp at you so that I can miss..
I scream so you can tell me to calm down...

I Push you away so you can pull me closer...
To hate you means I once loved you.. I still do.
It hurts to see you everyday and act like I dont care
It hurts that every time I am happy the first person I want to tell is you.

It hurts to love you, every time....
It hurts that everyday I dream about waking up next to you
It hurts that every time you never notice me...
You can be among-st a crowd and I will still find you..
That's because I love you and it hurts , every time...
And finally it hurts to accept that you dont know how I feel
One Pusumane Sep 2014
Today I will give up my forever ,,,,
I would give up my happy ending so that  for today you will have your happy ever after ..

I will jump in front of a bullet for you....
I will carry your cross for you,,,
I will bear your burdens because I care...

I hate missing you while you are still here,,
I hate not being able to touch you while you are in front of me...
I want you to be happy,, happy forever,,, never stop smiling,,
Because I care,, i will stop smiling so you can smile..

I will stop being happy so you can be happy, because I  care...
One Pusumane Sep 2014
Echoes from within-
The constant ripples of these calming echoes have become my own kind of serenity.
I feel as if I am walking under water, the angel of death has struck me with his intoxicating arrow.
When these unknown echoes bounce off the invisible walls that surround me I am able to stop time.
I move to the rhythm of this darkness, sway to the tempo of the echoes that have invaded me for so long. Hell this isn’t a cold war no more. .  I reminisce over the day I made my choice. The day I was saved by these unknown echoes, the day I received this freedom that has me enslaved.

As I walked down the aisle, my shadow comforts me. I look back and smile. At least someone stayed behind.
I stood at the altar, my bare feet adorning the cold floor. Taking in all of what I deserved, nothing.
I stood at the cold altar, looking death in the face as I said my vows; I pledged my life, confessed my eternal love.  As I engraved death’s name across my chest, my empty hallow chest.

My long walk to freedom is an infinite road, a deadly labyrinth that has me going in circles.
These cold metals hold me in my right place, like gravity they hold me down, down where I belong.
As these chains cut deep into my skin, I feel a bit of relief. I still appreciate the pain that never left me.
I am filled with gratitude as this sharp razor blade embraces my flawless skin, as I receive the only love I’ve ever known.
This is the kind of love that fills me with uttermost joy, love that life could not give me.
As this sharp blade carves into my pale skin I drift into my happy place, my safe place.
The clinking sound of the cold metals sinking into my skin sends me on a rampage inside this comforting cage. If I don’t have these echoes I have nothing!

As the spotlight focuses on me, I can’t help but disappear into the background.
I am dead beat from chasing these shadows that deprecate me into nothing.
I see my pain bouncing off these walls like relentless echoes that end up in this empty space.
As this red liquid drips and dances to the rhythm of my empty beating chest I curse the darkness that gave birth to me.
This deep dark dripping liquid, matches the pulse of these echoes that surround me, these unknown echoes.
As I stand on top of this mountain that amounts to the sins against me: cases against my innocent tainted blood I can’t help but scream. I question the shadows that surround me I summon the death that gave birth to me, but what I hear are echoes of my own voice.

As this deep dark red liquid drips from my wrist I feel at ease. I feel as though I have paid the universe. I hope to lose myself in time, in space like the resonance that suffocates me.
I hope that this deep dark red pool that I lay in will help me float into the sunset. Award me the freedom I long begged for. I am tired of chipping bits of my dark soul in order to fit the picture, tired of the weight of the world on my shoulders, tired of chasing the fast spotlight. What I have, what I own, what I know are these echoes from within me, echoes unknown.
One Pusumane Sep 2014
As my dark soul moves to the rhythm of my pen
My dark soul dances to a silent tune as my heart bleeds through a piece of paper
I view a reflection, an illusion that I thought will never exist
It was though as if it was a fragment of my imagination
I hear the echo of my own pain slowly being masked by a bit of happiness
Slowly my pain fades away into the background to be forgotten
Bluntly dumped full of mold like its rotten
I took a chance ….. I went ahead with fate’s plan…. I took a leap of faith
I think it’s now safe to say I now know what is pain…I now understand Cain
I have gone through life’s phases that rendered me condemnation
I looked to the heavens and they denied me placate
But now, this reflection illuminates the dream I once had... That victory that I envisioned
Pain is a dead end street with deathly blows that will send anyone to the grave
I have been a slave of my own imperfections, blurred vision I had because of the constant pain
Could not see what laid before my eyes because I was busy digging my own grave
Life had me begging for a dying wish because I never took notice of the reflection before me
Lesson learned is that everyone makes their own happiness
Life does not have a manual to go by or some set of rules..
Finally I am the ******* the other side…happy and lively
One Pusumane Sep 2014
I look back and I witness the mess I created. No wonder words cannot justify the remorse that I carry on my shoulders; the pain that radiates from my “I like you too”.
Going down memory lane I remember the 1460 days in which I built high walls made of concrete, as I sat there and shot down every love story that the world had. I yearn for your touch yet at the same time the fear that comes with such a feeling overwhelms me.

I believe I am broken, shattered into a million pieces that cannot be made whole. Your efforts pain me because you are the ideal idea I dream of. I somewhat hope you could read my mind, I somehow hope that I could end up in your arms, where I could feel safe.

I do admit it; love was wrongly accused by my empty soul until your tenacity filled me with hope.  I hate the fact that I am this giant that may never become a miniature. I hate the fact that I hate me. I hate the fact that you could love a heartless monster like me. ****! I said the forbidden word, LOVE! Even my own subconscious glares at me with utter disappointment.

I hate the fact that I care, the fact that it hurts. But then again burying my emotions is what I am good at. I believe I am a master of my own destruction, I do not believe in flowers, romantic dinners and surprises but one thing I know is that I believe you, I believe in you. In my vague idea of “us” we do ride into the sunset. We get that happily ever after. The thought of you being my knight in shining amour petrifies me to the core. I am afraid that I will care too much, that I will love too much. Yes, I do believe in love because you gave me that.

You gave me the spirit to believe in something I hated to the ends of the earth. As I drown in a pool of my own condemnation, I keep looking up, I keep swimming, and I keep letting my soul sail because I hope that you may save me. Finally it then hits me; I sentence you and love 25 to life. If you keep your promise to never leave, I will keep my promise of giving you this warm heart of mine that is caged in concrete walls. If you promise to be there when it matters, when I succeed , when I fail, when I cry or worse when I shut down and try to push you away. If you promise to hold me till I feel like the walls are not closing in, I promise to unlock all these doors I have shut. I hope that you will hold my hand till I finalize my divorce with death. I hope that you can piece me together.

But then these are just thoughts I never voice, these are voices in my own head. Every love story has a happy ending and in this one, you are my happy ending because you set me free from my own prison and complete the person I was meant to be.
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