i floated through your cosmos.
touching every star, every rock, every planet, even the pieces of wandering debris.
i liked yours much better than mine.
the pressure that always used to be in my head was no longer.
i looked at you and i looked at all of this and i could swear i heard a voice telling me to stay.
to stay for a little longer,
that i didn't have to let go.

so i didn't.
i held on tighter to you,
to all of this.
the stardust hugged us and we felt whole.
we danced with the stars and spun the planets ourselves.
we floated through Our cosmos.
loving and living as one.

i would give you
all the stars,
all the planets,
just to see that smile
again.

a few bad experiences.
okay,
a lot of bad experiences.
and Okay,
they were really, really bad experiences.

all left me on my knees begging for something i didn't even realize i didn't need.
for years, i wanted to hide.
i wanted to close my heart to everyone that bat their eyelashes at me.
i was beyond of afraid.
i don't want a really, really bad experience again.

but,
now i realize i won't.
okay, maybe i will
but i know it won't hurt as much as it used to or it would if it was past me.
that isn't me anymore and every person is different.

so,
i will let them in.
my hands may shake and the butterflies in my stomach may be a warning for me to flee,
but i won't.

i used hate the way i would be awake at four in the morning.
i remember the way everything used to feel so haunting and scary.
there were no words to describe how deep inside my mind i would sink into,
scared and afraid of no return.

but now,
oh now,
i love it.
i fell in love with the quiet.
there was no more worry or fear.

it's september.
your eighteenth year,
already!

no, it's not 2016 anymore,
nor any year before this one.
you are safe.
it can't hurt you anymore,
they can't hurt you anymore.

their voices are so foggy and muted now,
look at that progress you made!
you're not breaking anymore because of that one day in math class
or the words they said.
look at that progress!
you haven't forgotten
but instead, you've wrapped all of it up in a blanket and held it tight close to you.
you are okay.

sailing it away was bittersweet.
it was all you knew but it's so far away now,
how can it help now?
it never did before.
let it go.

and now, the now, the present,
whatever you want to call it,
is Here,
it's now!
you're afraid,
oh, so afraid.
but hey!
you are okay.

the unknown isn't a dark tunnel anymore.
it's an open field with roads paved into them by people from before.
follow one or make your own.
either way,
you will be
okay.
remember that.

things hurt sometimes.
the rain get too much some days and your clothes feel heavy and your skin feels too tight again.
i see you hugging yourself when you're around people.
you're okay.
you've grown so much that you Know it's okay now to have bad days.
the storm leaves,
it always does,
remember?

you are light,
you are love
now.
you're great and okay and hopeful.
you are worth so much more than you think.
keep telling yourself all of this.

you are light,
you are love.
you can move on now.
don't be afraid.
i won't let go,
i will be here when you fall and i will be here when you fly.

so keep growing.
grow!
go!
move!
it's possible!
look at how big this world is!
grow and love and love and love
and
love.

now grow.

his name was luis.

i loved him for over seven years.
i fell deeper and deeper and for the first time in my life,
i was okay with it.

he is beyond beautiful.
i could write about when our hands touched or the way my face would get hot when we locked eyes under the moonlight.
i could write about him forever.

there is no one more beautiful than he is.
for he is all the stars in the world.

he is everything into one.

so absolutely and utterly
beautiful

the school year was over,
once again.

i got two more years with him.

now to graduate.

less texting.
he didn't ride the bus anymore.

i understood,
i still do.

his whole life was ahead of him.
he was leaving!
how could i blame him?
i couldn't.

always,
beautiful.