when She's kissing passion into me
  grab squeeze those biscuits

when Her body's pressed so tight along mine
  grab squeeze those biscuits

when She's riding into ecstasy with me
  grab squeeze those biscuits

when She's bending over for whatever reason
  grab squeeze those biscuits

when we're hiking/running
  and She's just in front of me
    grab squeeze those biscuits

when we're standing in line for whatever...
  grab squeeze those biscuits

when She's wading in the waves
  in THAT bathing suit
    grab squeeze those biscuits

when She's lining up a putt in mini golf
  that perfect **** in a mini skirt
    grab squeeze those biscuits

when She's stepping out of the shower
  wrapping Her hair in the swirl of a towel
    grab squeeze those biscuits

when you're spooning naked after the swetest hottest ever lovemakig
  or waking up
  or the middle of night
  or whatever hour she nuzzles your neck
    grab squeeze those biscuits

when you've been married for fifty years
  and you still Love ALL of Her
    and She still digs your ****
      She'll grab squeeze those biscuits

FFFFUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKK

faded forlorn fractured fragmented
completely de-clinted
traded torn tossed to the trash
  canceled check counterfeit cash

broken yet again
  just another somewhen
except my fault this time
  twas my non-rhyme

how do you go from happier
  to happiest
to burst into the worst

have you ever felt the squeeze that crushes the heart of a star
  been unable to breathe because of the death of all you are
how do you continue when what you knew isn't true
  if love is rendered irrelevant then whatever do you do

scenery never seen
  barely even imagined
suddenly miracled me
  actually ******* happened

but it abandoned me soon thereafter
  never to whisper another chapter
shhhhh don't listen to this
  shut up your only kiss

for 7 months fate was my favorite writer
  destiny my best-friend editor
then suddenly they were evil censors

love unlucked me faster
  than I could even begin to breathe
luck unloved me farther
  than even I could ever believe

my fingertips still feel Yur breast
  my lingering lips tasting Yur heartbeat
I still feel Yur body pressed to my chest
  Yur embrace keeping me safe in my sleep  

now all around me
  nothings surround me
i am the epitome of empty
  cobwebbed memory
    a soul's stifled breath
      destined for dusty death

how do you exist in the happy happy joy joy world outside
  when everything that matters has been crushed inside
how do you explain how everything is worthless
  when you've never been worth less

My Murdered Miracle


so sometimes it seems a miracle may be murdered
  viciously visceral
with the shock
  and the shattering
  and the mangling of the emotions
    (and of course the inability to breathe as your soul is strangled)
      as your future is ****** over the cliff by an evil **** ******
    (and the fall may even be your fault)

yeah, I noe,
  not exactly a ******* surprise
if you've watched the decades of dying in my eyes
  or read my blog anytime after the age of 10
    (****, was that really the first poisoned when)

whatever whenever of forever later
  the sharpest shock
  the shardest shatter
the dank blank dead stare
  dried blood stains  
    un-resuscitated remains
      of what I used to share

my deep blue eyes
  open as wide as emotion allows
are riptide embraced
  into the motions beyond the shallows
    by Yur deep blue eyes
and I see straight into Yur soul
  instantly the fate of my soul
  (ooohhhhh, what I saw
     I had never even dreamed of seeing
       and You were the infinite microwave thaw
         to my forever frozen being)

**** I took the Doves of Love
  (these birds can't fly)
and with selfish enjoyment of every moment
  lagged in my movement
    towards where we were meant to be
giving them an over the cliff shove
  (why why why why why)

She is SHANNON
  SHANNON!!!
the MOST of the MOSTEST i've ever known
the PERFECT in every part and tone
  and She luved me
         SHE LUVed me!!!

I made her move and groove
  smile and giggle
  *** and then ***
    and then some

I learned and grew
  and she knew
I massaged and inspired
  until my tongue was tired
I held her as close as I could do
  and still have our heartbeats be two

**** i believed too much in my belief
  (beware the ides of grief)
failed to fast forward to what she needed
  and ended up behind what she needed!!!!

i met an angel
  and She wanted me...me
i met my angel
  and SHE Loved me...me

maybe you don't understand the historical universal infinite implications of what to you seems to be a simple detail...the coolest chick in the history of the world glowed in luving me (simply the singular most wonderful woman in strength intelligence hotness beauty empathy honesty silly sweet intensity kindness lust for life and ACTUALLY BEING ALIVE)

and i knew what to do. and it was going to give the me i've wanted to be. yo, i noe, **** i was way too slow.   FFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK

every single solitary second
  felt like the first
    excited nervous giggly jiggly
each kiss such a lip lock on joy
  that i missed the fragile of the real
    left with lonely chapped lips which shant heal



...but maybe a similar distant cousin miracle shall be the 2nd Best feeling ever that keeps him alive...

he met his angel
and even if she won't keep kissing him
he still gets to noe her right?
  Right?

Imaginary Diary

Wed, Oct 5, 2011

Back from the worst roadtrip of my entire life.  And an era ends as I sit ALL ALONE in this big empty house.  At least it isn't raining, so I can go in the backyard and build a big fire to cry in front of...


Here Be Me

out fades the fire, no longer reaching higher, merely old and tired, moved on from trying to crying, an era ends, and how to begin again?

yet death has not yet stolen the last breath, hope and prayers still befriend the living, and everyday miracles may still find the giving...


alone is a strange energy
almost alien to me
although it didn't used to be

lone wolf howls again?
prowls again?

kaleidoscope of feelings,
how to make meaning?

I like Me as much or more
than ever before
and I no longer keep score

lone wolf howls again?
prowls again?

hurt but not quite reeling,
what's the meaning?
can I manage the damage?

I scream
You scream
We All scream
for Ice Cream
but that does not balance the beam
does not quite Amen the dream.

And now my life changes again
rearranges yet again
Lone Wolf?


Thurs, Oct 6, 2011

"I mourn not moving into another decade, but at the end I've been betrayed, not good enough, not enough stuff, not the right house in the right city. given everything I could, done anything I can, but not trusted, accused of acts I did not commit, abandoned and alone again, except for the responsibilities, and bills, and animals, and an empty house full of stuff, and memories of what was supposed to be" -- miscellaneous anonymous old divorced dude


Have you ever noticed how close onesome is to lonesome and that together rhymes with forever?



Fri, Oct 7, 2011

Heart Broken yet again,
  far from the 1st time...
I know what to do
  & kinda how to do it,
    I guess...


****, this is going to take some serious time!!!!
(can I manage the damage)


How far is far enough?
How future is future enough?

head hanging down
  as does the soul inside
face fallen in a frown
  as the heart's tears are cried

looking & leaning above the abyss
  living the loss that leaves less
refusing not to feel this
  there shall be no numbness

hurt too many times
  to soothe with mere rhymes
but healing always happens
  hope never dies a final death
(I can manage the damage)


How far is far enough?
How future is future enough?

Once or so upon sometime
  boy met girl
    and his world went whirl.
Stars sent sparkles through the smog,
  moonlight went right through the fog.

And they asked Clint,
  what's so different?
And his simple silly smile said,
  are you really so numb dumb in the head?

Are you really only able to see
  the fine firm exquisite curves outside
and not the even more amazing beauty
  singly sweetly from the soul inside?

Just look closely
  into gorgeous intensity
    get swept into a deep brown sea
      and wonder at the world she sees!

And when you linger longingly on those luscious lips,
  don't just wish for a tender hot kiss.
Want the soft breath-touch of her spirit,
  and the words within which you'll hear it!

They may not realize what I see,
  but those eyes have looked at me.
And I sit in the dark and wonder,
  could my spark ever touch her?


When can it be Then again?

Because if a guy is extraordinarily lucky, every decade or two he might meet someone as amazing as you.  And if he has the chance to become more than friends, he HAS to try to make that reality.  If not, he HAS to know you in whatever way possible, as deeply as possible, to enrich his Life & Soul!


Flirting

Emotions mixing like potions
Imaginings made more potent
Did you see her?  She looked at me!  A lot!  We smiled with our eyes and our lips and our words and it was real!  It may have meant more to me than it did to her, but it was still real!


Somewhen

Wonderings About A Wonderful Woman

Dipping a heart in the Rush
     of the early life of a Crush.
Past the point when you'd just met
     & maybe not even spoken yet.

It's after you know there's something about her
     that's at the awesome end of special.
When you want to know all about her,
  learn the glow within the sparkle!

You find yourself wanting way less waiting
     between the moments you get to see her
and you're always antsy anticipating
     the next time you're able to talk to her.

You hope for her Happy
     and pray to be a part of it,
       an important part!

You ache to ask her for a date
  and hear her say okay, great!
You wish that that beginning
  turns into every evening
until oh so soon
  on an unknown afternoon
you both find you're destined
  to be much more than friends!

And inbetween the start and that part
  as you learn to hear each others' heart
there are a millionish questions about her
  you can't wait for time to answer...


Does she like mexican food?
  and sushi too?
Will she gag if you call her dude?
Has she ever done Mongolian BBQ?

Has she ever searched for seashells
  between the incoming swells?
Does she like getting flowers?
  What's her favorite flower?!

Does she like skating
           swimming
          whistling
           hiking?

Does she have brothers?
sisters?
younger?
  older?

Has she ever fallen on her **** in an ice rink?
  or played in the snow til your fingers can't think?

Does she love road trips
  for the destination
    and all you may learn/see
      along the journey?

Where has she travelled?
Where does she want to travel?

Does she like sharing dreams
  the moment you awaken?
When it still seems
  they really did happen?
                        
What animals does she love?

Mittens or gloves?

Does she love hugs?
  LONG hugs?!

Is she ready for me to want to stare at her
  (mmmmm, have you seen her?)
And does she know how
  to keep hearing “WOW”?

Does she like reading poetry?
  especially when it's about her / inspired by her

Will we share the joys and traumas
  the sillys and dramas
    that have made us us?


Will she excitedly show
  all of her old photos?

Does she believe in GOD
  and ghosts
  and eternal souls
  and True Love?

Has she ever prayed for me?
Does she know I've prayed for her?

Will we show not just our strengths
  but also our weaknesses?
Tell our awes
  and our flaws?
Share our laughs
  and our tears?
Whisper our hopes
  and our fears?
Even though it allows the other to truly see
  and brings tender vulnerability?

Will she let me provide what help I can
  for not only wants, but also needs
can she depend on this man
  for not only wants, but also needs
can she accept every effort from Clint
  and still know she's independent?


Does she like:

  --cuddling huddling together beside the fire, wrapped beneath the same blanket, holding hands, somtimes speaking softly about memories, hopes, fears, desires, sometimes simply staring at the spastic random wild dancing of the flames while listening to the crackles & pops & the night sounds from just beyond the circle of light?

  --a lazy afternoon on a summer beach, toes digging in the hot sand, breeze blowing sunshine across the skin, waves waiting to be watched and frolicked in?

  --being at the beach on a damp winter's day, sitting on a lifeguard tower just out of the reach of the rain, sometimes wondering at the miracle of the wild waves, dark and frothy, whipped by the wind to lunge upon the shore and race towards the tower only to tire and recede once more into the tide. Sometimes basking in the heat of each others' hands, eyes, lips & kiss, flying in the feeling?

  --walking along the beach in the moonlight of a still-warm summer's eve, holding hands as we wade in the waves, toes tingly with the spritz of the sparkling water?

  --watching a sunrise fill the skies of a desert dawn?
  --watching the sun set as it dives from the clouds, drops behind the mountaintop?

  --camping in the mountains, or by a lake, miles and miles from the encompassing glare of the city lights, within our private tent at midnight, comfy cozy cuddled close within 2 sleeping bags zipped into  1, marvelling at the stars spread out above the mesh ceiling?

  --walking hand-in-hand in a light rain laughing at the secret which only we know, that this cool warm drizzle, this tingle-mingle mist is the perfect place to kiss?

  --Las Vegas after dark?
  --reading to each other in the park?
  
  --short romantic messages?
  --exchanging random massages?

  --live comedy?
  --movie matinees?

  -- what's her favorite type of TV?
          comedy/drama/reality?
          food/cartoons/nature documentary?

  --a comfy couch where we fall sleep curled together with a shared blanket and maybe even some spilled popcorn?

  --disneyland?

  --silly errands at 1am?

  --talking through the night until the dawn?

  --sharing a shower, the water cascading across her unbelievable beauty, caressing every curve, glistening on her sweet sensuous skin and driving me deliciously delirious with desire?


What is her favorite color?
What is her favorite thing about her?

Who is her oldest friend?
            her best friend?

If she had one wish, totally selfish, just for herself -- what would it be?

Fuzzy PJ's or naked under a soft warm blanket?

Would she dance with me at home
  just the two of us
where we can be dorky
  or not good
    and just have fun?


Does she realize the HER of her eyes
           her smile
           her glow
           her lips
  the dreams of her fingertips?

Does she know that as impossibly amazing as it may seem
  my instincts sing to me
  that she's even more beautiful on the inside
  than she is on the outside?
  And have you SEEN her outside????

Would she want to hear me say
  you're sweet smart funny beautiful and hot, mmmmmmm  HOT
    and you will find True Love & Happyness
      because You Deserve It!

Does she want someone to want her
  emotionally spiritually physically?
Does she want them to wonder what she wants
  discover her innermost inner?
Want them to desire her joy
  so she can be joyous?
Does she want them to want to kiss her all over,
  caress her everywhere,
  squeeze her perfect *** with ultimate passion,
  dream of her arms and awesome legs around them,
  her bare ******* pressed against their chest,
  sing themselves to sleep with images of her lips,
  and imaginings of her sweet sweet kiss?
  

And maybe if we're lucky
  or meant to be
Somewhere in there
  “like” blossoms
    becomes Love!

Adrenalin is already in play
  even beforeplay
So clip in
  (no, not *******)
grasp the bars you'll grip as you ride
  (not gasp as hard and slip & slide)
and start to pump
  slow at first
    and then faster
(okay, it's not all ******
   but it is all intimately sensual)

Welcome to Wonderful,
  the eternal quadrangle
    of physical/mental/emotional/spiritual
      (which makes love with ego's inellectual)
  where you can taste your health
    as yur in tune with yurself.
  mind drives body
    body alives mind
  it's a complete circle
    a beautiful cycle
      (a bi-cycle lol)

this movement
  this energy
it speaks to me
  both secretly and directly

Somehow effort seriously extreme
  is easier than anything should seem

Smooth & Fast like Dream Flight
  it soothes & excites!

just steady the climbs
  zoom the downs
    & pump the flats
or get stronger
  ride longer
push the legs and lungs along
  speed and speak to any ascent or descent
    until you Noe its song

This was meant to be my forte
  I was made to ride 100 miles a day!
Dude,
  distance disappears in Zen & Grace,
    it's my 2nd favorite place to have my face!

And I actually catch myself wondering what it would be like just  to keep rolling until I saw Canada and stopped to sample some salmon.....

Have you ever gazed up at your goal
  knowing it was just the first of many,
then given in to the siren call's control
  and joyed your away along the journey?

So you know teaching yourself to increase your best?
You know the ******* reaching of the crest?

Then you will Love the mint fire on your nerves
  as you *** alive cruising these curves

maybe there is no truth
  perhaps those were lies in your youth
could be there is no comfort
  mayhap all effort is merely hurt

I don't want to believe that's true
  but the only proof I have for you
is something She gave me that I Love even more than I like
  and now I Noe everything is Better on a Road Bike

the zoom, the move, the smooth
the intimacy of the power transfer
body is bike is body is bike
  check one, two, always the live mike
hills are merely miles
  and homeless heartless boy actually smiles
    (from the inside, not just the surface!!)

the only music is in my head
  are the sounds which surround me
    the hum of the tires on the asphalt
    the whoosh of the wind in my ears
      (and blowing back my hair hahaha lol)

Seriously,
  when I'm cruising my climbing
    along grades my truck hates driving
  or flying floating down descents
    as Joy earned after that ascent
  or inside my mind across miles of miles
    I ACTUALLY HAVE REAL SMILES

and as my legs link to my lungs
  muscles humm oxygen rhythm
I feel the whistle in what was once my soul
  and it feeds the underwhelming wish to be whole

at times the chills spill up & down my spine
  and I Noe there is no end of the line
just the preparation & anticipation
  for the next time.....

BOMBDIGGITY

You gave up on our forty more glory years,
  agonized over the decision.
You sent us to separate beds in tears,
  sentenced me to poet prison
    (locked in a spiral cycle
       of pain and broken and fatal fetal and bleeding blue eyes stunned open in vicious surprise
           unable to close or escape into comatose)

My actions
  or actually inactions
may have murdered my Miracle
  made You listen to a false Oracle

**** unable to dim or die
  is You being the only ultimate “Why”
that I was created in the first place
  and put in the exact time & space
    to toss pebbles at Yur window
      that exploded into our nova glow

Even as we cried together
  months after died “together”
(You saying Yur not better without me
   yet can't won't be with me)
I swear on the soul that thinks it knows You
  (far more than the mere heart which beats because of You)
that I still feel You having feelings for me
  (oooohhhhh, You Noe You still want me)

Please let yourself see
  all the positives in me
don't ignore Yur desire
  don't lose it in disaster

we are US
  we are Love & Lust
and every like & lick in between
  (I know You Noe what I mean)

the aliens followed us
  cuz they felt our forever fever
their lights in our Arizona skies
  were listening to the bazillion butterflies
burning churning turning in my soul
  fluttering my libido

they knew what You do....
  that I can't play guitar
  **** I can be Yur star
they wanted to watch me & You
  strobe along to our music
  probe the strong of our magic
    read my SJH poems
    and count all our ****

**** they would never understand
  the simple thrill
  overwhelming joy for this boy
    of holding Shannon's hand :)

You may have been able to give up,
  somehow You had had enough,
**** I believe You didn't want to give up,
  and I should have proved my stuff!!

My Love for You like no other ever before,
  My amazement for You that couldn't be more.
The breathlessness bearing witness
  to the simplest silliest move You might make
The blue-eye-blue-eye-soul-gaze-bliss
  wanting to be waiting on when You wake

You do Noe that Everything You do
  biking hiking cooking thinking walking the insane work world
just excites inspires my soul to say WOOHOO
  and then Kahley & Z-O-E show me You as Mother unfurled
    & hurled into too much to be true

There is not a Disney potion
  which could move my emotions
more than the nervous excitement
  coursing full force thru Clint
when there's just a hint of Shannon!

Do You not Noe that even Yur mundane daily details are moments for which I counted the minutes until we could share?
How do you not Noe that even Yur boring is beyond Rare?

My want that is need
  is so hard for You
    that my heart **** as it bleeds

had every substance and experience
  but never any highs
    like Yur eyes
      or between Yur thighs

You may say only friends forever
  and only see me whenever or whatever
You may be able to forget that we are dismembered
  but for me the regret screams as it sobs as it's remembered

Yet hope shall never breathe its final sigh,
  does not Noe how to bid itself goodbye.
    (it wasn't token lust,
       it shouldn't be broken lost)

are You aware how full We were of Wonderful?
can his caress express what was our experience
  (over and over until forever becums forever)
do his words worship your existence
  (friend lover mother mentor sometimes trembling leaf who Loves me and looks at me into me    
      thanking me for holding her as she squeezes the breath into me)
does he slip serenely yet excitedly into sleep each night with Yur heartbeat echoing his own
  (seemingly the only bass beat his song has ever known)
does he dream of You each and every somewhen,
  wake up wishing he was already with You once again?
is Yur daughter his 2nd favorite person in the world
  (oh Z-O-E i'm soooo sorry you had to cry one single solitary tear from knowing me)

does his mind spend all day scribbling away on the insides of his eyelids everything he thinks about you...

and do You realize it isn't only when i'm awake...there isn't a moment in which my subconscious exists when it isn't walking old town San Diego with You or grinning as Yur fire-spinning or Breaking Bad as it basks in bend Yur **** over bike basket banter or holding Yur hand in an ancient cemetery with wine & cheese & grapes & Breakfast Club surreality or walking whispering a Halloween Haunted House with ridiculously brave Z-O-E

somehow for You it was dating
  just some seven month fling
for me it was the penultimate relationship
  the reason i'd learned this whole breathing feeling thing
and 175 days after You designated the dumpster for me
  it continues to transform me
    because of You i remake me

So, Hey, Hi, Here i am,
  Wanna hear who how i am?
Or do You wanna hear what i remember
  as i wonder what You remember?

How many of our memories mean as much to You as to me?? Hello Ladies on the bed together? or when i watched You shower? me not knowing the secrets to Yur frisbee throwing? our only time camping? creative counter cleaning? the every-single-time-spark of touching Yur skin? the way our ***  stroked squeezed rocked my **** and mind and soul and spirit and poet and left my lips on fire with spearmint-cool tingling? and did i mention being wet with electric sweat?

i seem to remember You saying i was **** (me?!?! - with or without a moustache) even as i was nervous & excited every time i realized You were looking my way, whether it was on a biplane or in a kayak beside an island or wishing i was saving You from a river monster or in a kayak beneath a full moon where You couldn't even notice that my pounding pulse was singing Yur name in a beautiful bass beat

i noe that You know Yur cool, **** i noe that You don't know HOW COOL...the coolest hot whose personality was music that instantly inserted itself into my internal playlist and cranked that ****** to a level that would deafen Spinal Tap!

do You know that You are style & passion
  and buffalo exchange fashion?
alien lights
  indian caves
    & ghost towns with donkeys?

You must realize somewhere deep inside on a primal level
  that once Yur eyes let me see inside You
i would need to be part of Yur life to be alive
  as US is the rainbow which gives color to each day's grey

even before kissing and everything on Our balcony
  in Our Sycamore Springs jacuzzi
You were the kiss I miss any split second my lips aren't melding melting into Yurs

You are dreams and fantasies and way too fantastic to be reality
You are The Happiness Joy that defines Happy for this poet boy

from the moment we met
  You are the 1st thing i think of when i awake
   the last thing in my mind as i slip into sleep
   the lead and supporting role in my subconscious when i'm unconscious
   and actually obviously the highlight to being alive each day

and it shall stay that way even from afar
  until just the other side of forever

there are as many Maybes
  as there are Somedays,
so as i strive not to mope
  (and just keep trying to be better)
i let thrive and nurture hope
  (and just keep trying to be better)

and preach to myself my mantra
and remind me of my motto
  don't give up
  don't ever give up

You must miss me
  must miss the kiss of me
The break had to make You ache
MISTAKE

I can write now what will still be
years after You've forgotten about me

in the myriad of mirrors in my mind
  Yur diamonds shall be the sole soul shine
every bit as real and raw and radiant as the first moment
they raced and rained and raised their reign within clint

reflections refuse to fade
each an inflection of Yur voice
  a forever of Yur face
   a reminder there ain't never been noe choice

every pissant poignant poet
weaving emotion images with their words
all the cunning linguist lyricists
singing lies and lines they think you've never heard
didn't actually feel any ******* thing
knew not one iota beyond nothing
of life
of love
of living in love

pathetic paintless portraits
(tattoos on a corpse)
empty echoes of nothing notes
(dealt by the deaf and the dead)

but I bet it's not their fault
they probably never felt a real fall
a feather float race up the rapids
with the fluffy grace of rabid rabbits

Not so for this man who be me
my feather has done dancin' shakin' in anti-gravity
I have sung sacred songs as angels swum along
our feather mountain biking heaven-strong

Of course our river was an awesome flow
(a hot-tub raft in moonlit snow)
And Our Poems were always best in show guitar glow
cuz I had You to Noe

yet the Mostest WOW was not enough somehow
the Bestest LOVE of this Life is not alive now

here I am again
a millennium worse than i've ever been
fetal black rose petals
dead dull dried
all their thorns' tears cried

no light left in my once bright blue eyes
dead and drowned and dried out
  cried out
  ashen grey
  nothing evermore to say

the Power of the Peach      7-4-20


does she know the power she possesses
  the worship in her lover's ***** as she undresses
the NEED to see
               to touch
      to kiss

the Peach is life
  it is succor after all the strife
it is the sweetest embrace
  as you're seeing the yes, please
    on her face

kiss right
lick left
all night in that cleft
  before my **** pounds that mound

naked velvet flesh
  to my face is pressed
****** me my goddess
  as my tongue touches your tenderness
    eat you out for an hour
      in love with your Peach's Power

succulent juicy beautiful
  your Peach calls to me
sweet wet delicious
  your Peach owns me

succulent
  **** you clint
tight wet hot
  sticky sweet
luscious ripe ****
  do you want my meat

give me the Power of your Peach
  let me learn all it shall it teach
take me
  pleasure and passion
    any position
    every position
take me
  ride me
    grind me
      let me watch You move
        as I feel You move

to be inside you....
  that first full slide inside
      oooooooohhhhhhhh

then slipping sliding slamming
  sometimes slow and sensual
  sometimes hard fast animal *******
    and everything inbetween

pleasure passion
  with that lust love connection
if it's done right
  if it's not just one night

squeezing
  pleasing
screams and moans
  and ***** words
    which should be heard

it's nature
it's pure
it's shudder
it's shake
it's ***
  you gotta get some

and sometimes
  if your Peach likes rhymes
it's not just the physical
  cuz anyone can ****
there's an emotional intellectual
  where's it's not simply a cool pool
    it's a beautiful pond with a duck

it's not some rude grafiti
  screaming pathetically look at me
it's explicit AND exquisite
  singing you want true Beauty
    This is it

then you wake up in the morning
  and learn if it is joy or mourning
waking up naked
  beside her nakedness
please let it be be joy
  PLEASE,  let it be JOY

that there is a dream
  and several fantasies
that is giving life to a very particular personal dream
  and dancing in the moonlight with those fantasies

I don't Noe what all I can teach
  but Please give me the Power of the Peach

Do You Know Crescendo?
If So, What Do You Know?
Will you Tell Me What You've Seen?
Can you Tell Me What It Means?


Hello Mister Man
  doing what you can
Praying for enlightenment
  or perhaps just some excitement
Playing with the magic marbles
  or maybe merely bruised baubles

You've known it all
had it all
yet still sometimes you stall
hesitate to call

blast away from your past
allow yourself a brand new cast
walk talk some suave smoothness
stalk absolute awesomeness

grab the sunrise with your eyes
and stare at the rare glare
grasp the moonrise in your skies
and make it want to make you rise
(and yes I mean between your thighs!)

you're just the whole of your sums
a man whose time has ***!
so ****** what Love you can
catch a match if you can!
find a fondler for your heart
wherever you have to start.

I know memories and nightmares remain
mayhap your soul is scared of its stain
but we all hold those spirits
and it don't help to fear it

best to just watch it and cry
and know you wont know why
then begin to want to win
and start to watch the when!



Do you Know Crescendo?
  Can you Feel the Glow Grow?
Do you Sense the Inspire
  in the Incense Almost on Fire?
Have you Felt the Intense
  From the Moment just Prior?
  


bye bye blue balloon in a bluer sky
whom we watch and all ways wonder why
maybe at the beach where we peer from the pier
or inside memories where emotions rear

people die daily
most matter not to me
and if you tell me true
they're meaningless to you too
(they mean less than little to you too)

and although they have no name
thoughts are just the same
bright and well spoken
turn burnt and broken
the most magical emotional mental dancer
succumbing to age, betrayal or cancer

same as always
gloom zoom
doom bloom
perfume plume
a whom who boom

fabulous fantastic and feverish ******
long ago dichotomies caught me
and it's been so ever since



Do you Know Crescendo?
  Have you Felt Lick BeCum Blow?
Because you need to Know Foreplay
  Before you can Play!
And if you Stay For FivePlay
  THEN You Gone ALL THE WAY!



are you ******' ready to rock?
are you Warp 10 Mr Spock?!
Cuz we're Boldly Going
Where only Crescendo is Knowing!
drum beat sweet
bass in your face
guitar going far
keyboards a sweet sword!

well on the way to wasted
ere the day is even tasted
whatcha gonna do?
what are you going to do?

well, at this minute within infinity,
this minute moment of eternity
all I really want is pizza
mmm, oh yah

And, by the way,
Do You Know Crescendo?
  When the Spun's just Begun
     will you Ride Inside?
When Fast is still Slow
  Breezing towards the Tornado
Will you Float in the Flights
   of Increasing Insights
Until the Spirit that Excites
is Dizzied by the Heights?



Once my guitar was in tune
with the stars and the moon
but a stutter befell my lips
when there did swell an eclipse
And then as if the first dawn
all darkness and doubt was gone!

Sunrise proceeded to Crescendo the skies
soulfire blazing clouds and  kissing my eyes
reaching out from above
  with All We Need Is Love

IT excites marvels and magics me
as much
as it did the first time I felt it
twas instantly so much infinitely more
had I ever even felt before?


That's Noe Crescendo
It's Intellectual Individualism
Emotings Within Emotions
Encircled Within A Warm Wet Circle
And A Beer


You can't just “C'mere” Cashmere
You needs must earn
each and every sideburn
To wear That Hat
You Must Learn Where It's At
Is Your Soul So Full As To Be Soulful?
Does Your Every Move Prove The Groove?
Have You Seen Brian Wilson Smile From A Few Feet Away?
Have You Survived ALL Of The Games Reality May Play?
Do You Want “Tom Petty? and “Wrote A Song With Me”
  to be part of your eulogy?


Do you Get Velvet?
Do You?
I doubt it.
Not yet.
But when the wind wends its way
within the grooves and gusts his guitar may play
Be still
and in the eventual
you will...



Do you know Crescendo?

Can You Relax
  And ******?
Have you ever added a line to a Beer Frenzy?

Have You ever Smelled a Sound
  and Heard as your Head Said
    there's a Lot of Weirdness Goin' Around?


Death drinks deep
   of the dreams you sleep
Dines with blatant assassins
Deigns to act as if he's welcomed in
Drives over the cliff of irony
  and decomposes all of your symphonies.

Life lives in leaps
  of the loves you keep
Lyrics your mostest moments
Listens to all of your “I Meants”
Links all of the lines you've written
  and lingers longingly in every when.

Both spin within the spiral
that is the crux of Crescendo.



Within Crescendo there is some Solo
Some Jimi Sayin' “Hey Joe”
Some Moon & Some Bonzo!

Forever Upon A Time
You Heard THE BEATLES For The First Time
And Instant Complete Understanding Occurred
You Heard
You Heard
Music Mind Body Spirit And Soul
Being The Presence And The Promise Of  Whole
All Is Everything
To Be Is To Always Sing
And as you drank in some Beertles
You Knew Crescendo

Was That Love In Yur Eyes I Saw
Or Merely The Reflection Of Mine?
AKA Previous Brokens Were Essentially Only Scratches
aka guess i've given up on my dreams


I met You,
  You were the mostest
    (I met the mostest!!!)
What was I supposed to do
other than Love You?
    forever and then some,
      whatever may come
        (mmm, make You ***)!

I actually believed You Loved me too,
  felt forever future was finally true.
Had i learned nothing from always being me?
  How could You feel a future being with me?
    (Yur future be being with me?)

And as much as i miss Yur kiss
  (where i could happily stay all day),
that's not what i miss most,
  not even close!

Do You know what it is i miss the most?
Do You know what memory i kiss the most?
  GGF?
  BABF?
  The nervous excitement coursing thru Clint
    when time was about to be with You spent?
  Every text, pebble, clown horn, rock n roll ring tone?
  Every time seeing the freeway sign for “our” home?
  Pulling into Yur driveway?
  Walking thru Yur doorway?
  Seeing you?
  (Z-O-E's excited hug
    yeah, i'd do that drug!!!)
  The minutes and/or hours with You?
  Our blue-eyed soul-share-stare?
  Every single second of every miracle minute?
    Yeah, that's it!!!!
      EVERYTHING!!!!

**** here far after the shatter,
none of that will ever again matter.
It's all irrelevant regardless,
  and a lot of useless less.

And despite all the times i re-journey
  the paths & places She showed me,
She ain't there,
  so i'm just nowhere.

Much too much to lose
  how do i choose
    to just play the blues
     & survive this core bruise

Noe mere heart-hurt
  the shriek-leak down my my shirt,
    spirit tears in full-on spurt,
      metaphysical face pushed in the dirt.

Was it so simple sweetie
  to leave me?
Will it be oh so easy
  to forget me?


That 1st night at the fire
(sparks flitting floating flirting higher
   and Yur personality flowed from You)
i was already aching to touch You
  (oh sweet reality
     who hath so often forsaken fooled and ****** me
        please let this be true)

And You knew
  and smiled inside
and were already wondering
  and maybe knowing
    where we were going....

And that nervous spastic excitement,
  that purring calm contentment,
    the breathless rushing rollercoaster,
      making love and then cuddling in nature...
i felt them every single solitary eternal moment!!

(and every time i see You
  or think about You
    that will still always be true)


Did you see her there?
  the ultra rare
    beyond compare
      barely even touched by the air???

My today had never promised more tomorrows
where I would smile and dance
    and nurture Yur joy
And now i've never ****** down such sorrow
  with the bile and lost balance
    of the thrown away toy
Prince of the Fair
  to King of Despair...

You saved me
gave YOU to me
and then left me
  with only me
and lone wolf
  alone wolf
    lonely wolf
      is trapped in rabid agony

You made me think
  let me think
    I had never been worthless
      now i've never been worth less

Listen closely...
  less close to me
    than i've ever been,
      can you say broken....

faded clown
  fallen down
unable to mend??
never to rise again?!

i don't know much of much anymore
  forgot how to care why i'm here for
you could **** me today
  that would be okay
    i'm basically dead anyway

but because of others
i'm not allowed to cross over
**** i HATE life without You
  *** do i do?

guess i'm gonna end up one of those spectres
  the dark abandoned spirits of despair
a glacial stink stain in the ether
  long gone **** unable to move on
locked in yesterday's eternal sorrow
  haunting with hurting forever tomorrow

oh ****
  guess i already am

the voodoo doll I have for You
  I speak to every night
with babble beg plead please
  and then a wish for Yur sweet dreams

the tattoo I have of You
  I stare at every night
with a sentimental smile singing please
  and then a wish for You in sweet dreams

I Love You Shannon Hickman (S.H.)
  Stud Hero (S.H.) Inspiration
I was put on this planet
  to be the being who whispers to you
Let's hold hands as we journey even further
  let's Love where we are
    & then Love the journey however far

I'm supposed to bring You Happy Fun Joy
  I'm supposed to be Yur Happy ***** Poet Boy
I should show You the You of You
  Incredible Wonderful Awesome Amazing True
That's the only possible reason I exist,
  unless you'll kiss me inside a dream mist
    which You share with me
      WHICH YOU SHARE WITH ME

Every time we were together
  didn't You feel the Forever?
Didn't You hear the tremble in my voice
  which mirrored the Miracle of Yur choice?

I grieve **** shall always believe...
Please never grieve!!
  **** Please Believe!!
Shannon,
  Please Believe!!!!

Oh Shannon,
  when You listen to a song whose emotions You feel saying You are amazing & Yur touch is the
  primordial nova, do You ever remember that was My touch and that EVERY SINGLE TOUCH OF
  MY EYES WAS PURE LOVE

Ohhhhhh,
  Shannon,
    how the **** did I not lift You with me onto clouds where WE could watch Z-O-E climb trees as WE
    giggled at our giddiness?!

My words made You want me
  **** you bored of the real me
HOW is that OUR Reality?

Stud Hero (S.H.),
  Clint shall now strive for excellent,
    far better than merely partying
      with some misc poeting

I will be everything I can be of me w/out You
  even though the only thing I'll ever want
is Yur life, mind, voice, curves, caress, kiss
  and the Soul in Yur eyes

**** how shall it ever compare
  to when You were forever there
when I was suddenly infinitely hotter
  and am pretty sure I could breathe underwater

Oh, Once Upon A Time Lover
  Forever Fantasy Dream Lover
******* with You
  or into You
    or Both
was the most Man I've ever been
  the realest my lips & tongue & **** have ever been
**** besides beyond the ******
  was the sensual
    & You made my heart's soul whirlpool
      with even the hint of a touch
        (a whisper from Yur look was almost too much)

Yet You were able to eliminate Yur Love for me,
  while for me it is the only Forever I'll ever be.
One day You could suddenly unsay NEED,
  **** Yur the only breath I'll ever bleed

Dumped Discarded
  thrown tossed away
Broken Sharded
  so easily tossed away

How?
  WOW to OW
How?
  HOW!?!?

Not just someone,
  not just fun,
    The One,
Not some ******* Stupid Movie “Neo”,
  SHE IS THE ONE

**** she decided i'm noone
  i am none

every belief i've ever held is unbelieved
  wrong wrong wrong wrong un-believed
                                         (i'm not me)

now mostly Yur a memory
  that personality which spoke words with that voice which sang sighed from that face, oh, that that
  face, through that mouth, sweet mother of the universe, that mouth, with those lips (ohhhh, so unfair
  to have those lips AND those eyes)
now mostly a memory

**** I do remember,
  I remember Every time we touched
                      Every time we talked
and when the nerves of my body
  forget Yur Lips, Yur Fingertips
    & the sweet squeezes between Yur thighs
I will still feel Yur eyes

You thought I saw inside You
  **** it was really inside You seeing me

Oh S.H.,
  the silly sweet stunned smile in my eyes
    is because of You
and Yur what makes them Blue
  (even blind I would see You)

My only philosophy
  is You should BE with Me
tell me to touch You deep inside
  that that's how You NEED Clint,
    in every possible way that can be meant

Other than that
  i'm just the shadow of a shell
and i don't understand
  how you aren't as well
You said I was awesome
  Yur that & then some

In some ways
  I'll be that way always
and even prove
  I can improve

My moonlight is as ever silver nova bright
My soul is still a sibling sister to the sun
I am as always an ocean
  my hand the waves upon the sand

I've decided to be healthy
  and so I shall be
I've embraced positivity
  so I'm as pleasant as can be

Active athletic
  no longer amateur alcoholic
I push to make me
  the Me knowing You
    made me want to Be
Goals for body & soul
  and the Noe I want you to know

And I'm reaching them
  & teaching me
Although other than that
  i'm just a shallow shadow of a shell

And Always
  And All Ways
S.H., S.H., S.H.
  my every realization
  my only information
    is Yur my Inspiration

Maybe Yur future music muse will Someday as a guitar sing my name

Maybe someday as You ride mtb miles
  or rule the road Hickman style
a song will echo in You our smiles
  for miles & miles & miles & miles
Maybe Yur memory music muse
  shall moan laugh sigh
    as a guitar sings my name

Then as You ride on by,
  will You call my name?

I'll be biking or hiking
  or swimming or gyming
    or running or writing
as I'm hoping & wishing
  & wanting & waiting

Crash into Crush


Even more than like the first time you ever felt Love or Lust or Beyond Both at the same time when your heart told your mind that your soul was singing when your body breathed every breath believing in nothing **** her Body as Beauty, the perfect perfume for her Personality


  I have a huge crush on someone
    who will never think of me as someone
      who she could ever have a crush on
  But that doesnt mean my feelings fade away
    they stay day after day after day
      only stronger the things that they say
  And i dont know how to not be sad
    whenever i think of her
  And i cant not think of her
    for very long
      very often

She's a Gorgeous Goddess
  with an Angel's Voice
but i'm a  suave swan
   re-become the ugly dorkling

i do not write in pencil
  it's all written in real
no pattern, no stencil,
  hand drawn hard feel

inhale exhale
  whatever air is available
words need breaths to exist
  yet breathless i persist

never been in a band
  my words never heard
left to hold my own hand
  trying to unthink my words

no eraser available
(though noe is erased & dull)
so i babble feeble
  (though no words escape my skull)

eyes blink
  to rid themselves of the red
but don't disguise a think
  cuz the lids are hiding brain-dead

can you breathe underwater
  believing she's oxygen for you
can you breathe when you want her
  but she's allergic to you

soft socks should soothe a soul
  on a cold night in a Shannon cuddle
and be the only thing worn on the morning
  where we have each other waking for moaning

i thought She Loved me deeply
  NEEDED me
    (**** found there were cracks in our foundation)
i believed we were US forever
  walked the waking dream of our Love Affair
    (**** learned she could lose the fascination)

i was in LOVE
  She was dating
i found The One
  She was just dating

February 3rd came & went
  harbringer of the death of clint
March 8th was the final ****
   of the last of my living will

been in a haze of agony
  where my own jester hates me
i wake daily in a daze of disbelief
  to a nightmare real with no relief

my tears don't fall
  they flow
strong & steady
acidic yet empty
and their side-show-bob
  is the echo of my sobs

i keep writing poem after poem
  of pain
    PAIN

when the only poem i've ever wanted to write
  is the one She wants to re-read every night

i wake every ******* apocalypse morning
  and can't face continuing the mourning
i can't believe Her Love could leave
it is surreal
  & evil

She rescued me from a life
  which was never quite right
and showed me sweet
  rhymes with complete,
gave Her blue to my eyes,
  let me Love the future as forever,
then decided not to believe,
  decided to leave,
placed the dead in my eyes,
  faced me towards starless skies.

(hold me again
  hold me now
    take me to the somewhen
      when we are US somehow)

nothing i've ever said
  has ever mattered.
if it had i wouldn't be dead,
  i would not be gasping with a heart shattered,
    unable to breathe thru the soul shred

with Her
  HER
i never faked
i never lied
i never even would have tried.
She let me love being me
  and i could never be
    anything other than true
      to the TRUE of YOU

She was the mirror on me,
  She showed me the beauty of me,
and i believed what i'd never known before,
  that i could not just swim skim
    but dive deep along the miracle shore

but i missed the cracks,
  ignored the lacks
of two issues i actually knew
  which were the die to our do

my ******* fault we went faulty,
  i didn't **** the wolves at the door
    and ensure our fairy tale forevermore

(take me again
  take me once more
    into every part of You
Yur eyes
Yur heart
Yur thighs
Yur hurt
Yur sighs
Yur spirit
Yur why's
      Yur Forever)

She broke me
  and i know why
She destroyed me
  and i understand why
just not how She could do it
  not how She could **** US
not how She could say **** it
  not how She could give up on US

but i will never wonder why i Love Her
  will never blame Her
    for this forever hurt
for the forever linger
  of my dead heart

(lead me to Yur heart once more
  this time Please Forever
  leave me to horror nevermore
    just hold me Please Forever)

oh Shannon
  not left behind
Please Shannon
  not left behind
remember all You said
  don't leave me for dead
how *** You said i was awesome
  if i was really just no-one
limp **** drunk
  is my legacy
    once Shannon left me

once upon whenever
  i believed we were forever
but She thought different
  & threw away clint

i want to live forever
  if it's with Her
but if alone i'm begging You
  make Yur **** shot quick & true

i will Love forever
  but as US is now never
i can't continue
i CANNOT ******* CONTINUE
PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN
  is all of me which remains

i am not the noe You knew
  so make Yur **** shot quick & true

help....
    please

My mentor
my motivation
my moonlight at high noon
my starlight swoon
my sunlit beach in june
  even if it's a dreary january

the reason my heartbeat wants to breathe
  from the moment it actually got to meet you in the physical world  
  and realized the miracle truth of what it already believed...that all of
  the texts and emails and messages were only false in that they  
  ludicrously understated the absolute of Yur light Yur personality Yur
  energy Yur Blue Eyes ability to express and explain and exude that
  the world is wonderful and it's even immeasurably better with
  You...from that instant when we sat together by the fire and I ached to
touch You and my poetheart promised the universe whatever it  
wanted for the daily renewed memory of kissing You  

my dream
whether asleep or awake
the only fantasy which moves me
the only reality meant for me
my only failure that matters
the only forever that shatters

the reason the word awesome exists
or did I say amazing
or gorgeous
or silly sweet
or perfect
or exciting
or comfort
or Happy
or Hottie
or please kiss me NOW
or please let me please You
or touch me with Yur eyes
or hold me in Yur thighs
or nestle into my cuddle
  as I nestle into your soul
or any and every detail of You
  is why I want awareness
or did I mention that what you consider mundane about Yur life, Yur day
  when shared with You was a meteor shower at play

my muse
my music
  the soundtrack in my mind
  I waited forever to find
my love
my lust
my life
  the only Belief
  I ever actually Believed
  
the reason my heartbeat hopes breathing wasn't just a dream or a cruel memory
  from the moment of thrown away and broken and farther from
  awesome than possible i still exist despite the day-to-day lack of
desire to do so becuz my mind sings even within sorrow with echoes
of the soundtrack for my surreal world, the multi-faceted platinum
album of the funnest person the fullest woman (how can You be
everything?!?!) I've ever met or even seen who somehow inexplicably
LOVED me for a while (really...blue-on-blue-within-blue I saw inside  
Her inside Me)

my best day (she's US with me!)
my worst day (she's done with me)
my nervous excitement every single second since we met
my molten full-spectrum heartbeat (silly and sweet)
my only wish
  one fish
  two fish
  red fish
  blue fish
    my only wish

the only reason I keep breathing today
  becuz maybe there could be a someday

heart broken into too many parts
  to collect them all
soul torn into too many holes
  to resurrect it at all

too many pieces of me dissolved in pain's poison
  to identify what remains as clinton
my blue eyes have the blues
  & they are blinded by the bruise
    (brought on by the brews)

at first the depression was only agony. shattered heart. shredded soul. broken being. murdered miracle. ruptured future. burning tears & knotted stomach & raking aching sobs. then my mind ceased being able to be a brain which thinks on any level even remotely resembling its prior ability (broken, synapses stutter). then i lost connection to physical coordination, no balance. no equilibrium. the shaking manic of a panic attack.

now it is an actual physical pain. random body stabs (images of laying on the slab). a  chest constantly pressed upon by an enormous weight as my heart pounds a deep thumping bass pulse in every vein and my misery brain whenever i think of Her, which is a million minutes a day.

i am not the Noe You knew
  not endearing
    not enduring

just a fake facsimile
  shallow shadow of me
unlit by Yur spark
  just a shadow in the dark
                 invisible me

we were hiking on the moon
  making Love among the stars
    in our own orbit of the sun
**** You stopped liking our tune
  un-Loved the US that was ours
    cared not that You are The One
      left me undone as no-one
         (not the Noe You knew)

You can't show & share Yur universe
  let You me my chorus & every verse
then dump me back into merely clinton
  and expect me to ever be Happy again

You can't lead me along the path i never even dreamed of
  and leave me lost in my mind without Yur Love
yet expect me to want to walk barren places
  or ever find any peace for my broken pieces

the butterflies will never die
  (or become bitterflies)
**** She no longer cares
  that they flutter
so now they also cry

i hate every day
  they're all horrible
each moment
  just more torment
it will always be this way
  & never is a long forever

however many years pass
  past the end of US
since Shannon broke clinton
  there was no more noe forevermore

even if the agony
  recedes minimally
there will be no noe tomorrow
  where there's no noe sorrow

the wounds wound farther & further down into the ragged jagged screaming screeching hole (heart + soul = hole) they found fully formed early February of Fourteen. my only craving is Her, but they keep carving deeper, widening the devastation which bleeds depression, wondering how long until the withdrawal into fetal becomes fatal

Happy is merely a memory
  i try to replay every day.
what if the farther from it i get,
  what if i forget?

what if the only hope you have is hope
  and you're believing in it with your entire being
**** you can't lift the loss's weight
  so you can't breathe while you wait

regardless of all this
we can *** home to US
all it takes is You wanting to

and i'll always be here
  hoping & hurting
    wishing & wanting & waiting

how are you?
  the constant question i'm assailed with

how are you?
  the only answer i've come up with:
      horrible
      awful
      heart & soul broken
      viciously violently depressed
      worst i've ever been
      & worse every day
      hate my self
      hate my life
      wish i was dead

my inner self
  is begging to be someone else
it's not the first time
  just the worst time

becuz she wasn't first love
  just first LOVE

the thing is
  as much as i wanted a billion years of youth together
many millions of much's more
  what i wanted was our forever together
and at 85 You would have made me feel just as alive
  and still nervous & excited
and been beautiful
and twirled whirled my soul

**** You didn't want me
  even one more day
so You nicely crumpled me
  and threw me away

it turns out forever
  is 7 months
then it's a lot of never
  for the rest of my months

and the violence of awakening
  (a demon thirst with no slaking)
will be ripping ragged holes in my soul
  far more than 7 months after me heart was torn apart

so how am i?
  me, whose every day begins and ends
    with a sobbing cry

i am hopeful
        hope full
or actually i'm me,
  its absolute opposite....

(please stop asking)

Been thinkin' so much
  when what I need is not to feel
Been feelin' so hard
  when I just need not to think
Been watchin' wrong details grow
  when i'm desperate not to know

i remember no anger
  joy love my anchor
    which also flirts me
          flings me
          floats me
                      flys me
      delicious gorgeous dichotomy

but i know noe now
  reset returned to “how?”
no love
no lover
  almost always alone
    lost in loser loner
refractured heart reformed yet still fragile
  as hope reigns rains dies eternal
    in the soul broken emotion stole

dreams of desires
  and their delicacy
loves and lusts
  longings for intimacy
blood burning with passion's possibilities
  becomes blood burnt by pathetic impossibilities

silver streams splinter puddle
  sliver screams spill pool
dripped drowned drained
  drip down the drain

& when is the parole from this sentence
  how long this exile into abstinence?
precious little patience remains
  on the verge of the edge

You left me
  You dumped me
    You threw me away
      You said forever ends today

But i know it was my fault,
  i'm to blame for my soul assault.
You kissed me and then You killed me,
  but it was all because of me

i failed You as a boyfriend
  and a companion
    and a lover
and it forced You to have to hurt me when You didn't want to and break me and take away my present and my future and annihilate any hope for happiness and destroy the most joy i've ever known and how can i ever forgive me?

And now Yur with some other man
  Yur with another man
and i know it's better for You
  cuz he's better than me

but FUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK
i can't do this
and i know it's pathetically horribly shallow and hypocritical because i really really really want You to be happy but it kills me that it isn't US. and i can't understand how You said all those things to me (some on sweaty sheets or anywhere our clothes could come off, some after a few beers or wandering wineries, some nestling into a cuddle on the couch, some just on a random Wednesday evening) and then threw me away like forever was just a use or freeze by date You had accidentally left too long in the salad drawer. and i can't imagine being with someone else when all i think about all day and night is You! and i'm still so insanely in Love with You and i'm still so nervous & excited for every single interaction and seeing You still tingles me me & makes me Love the universe but the pain & depression is somehow worse every day and my stomach is always clenched in knots which mangle & won't untangle and some immense evil entity is always standing on my chest and crushing my still-screaming heart and the pain which is supposed to just be emotional is a physical palpable tangible pounding being who hates me and is extreme and unrelenting and i hate waking up and realizing that i can't see You or touch You or kiss You or share mundane daily activities which to me were miracles or plan another adventure

i don't know how to heal
  & not because the scars i have to peel,
but because the wounds won't cease their screaming
  & will always always always be bleeding

i just want to beg You to change Yur mind and take me back instead of him and plead with You to believe in me and make You explain why he's better than me and why how You stopped Loving & Wanting me and how i went from awesome to worthless so fast and i know it's so shallow of me not to be happy for Yur happy and thankful grateful worshiping the universe for the too short time You let me feel Yur Love but the only reason i don't describe myself as hollow is that i'm filled with Agony, screaming stabbing slicing shredding and never ending never ******* ending it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop it won't stop

every other emotion & relationship
  was just a kid's crush.
SJH is the SHE who is the ONE

and i'm ****** up
  and freaked out
    and terrified to wake up

i hate waking up

A Compilation Of Romantical Tidbits
From The Tomes Of Marcus


Perhaps somewhere along time's vista
as I stroll down the lane
twixt the cherry blossom snow
and the baby blue blanket of sky,
a crystal miracle
will flutter down
on the fragranted breeze
to alight on my honored shoulder,
blow a kiss in my ear
and say “today is your day,
what do you wish?
I shall grant reality
to whatever desire is most special.”
there would be sining,
elven voices mingling in the air.
there would be dancing,
a wild run midst the night skies.
I would pluck stars from their heavenly roosts
and place them like flowers in hair
to wink at me from inside your sparkle,
try vainly to outshine you
and finally bow to the Queen of their own.


memories
and memorabilia
substitute for your presence
as mementos embrace me
with their hint of your essence.
they fill me with silly fanciful notions
of lazy afternoons
and the coursing of unbridled passion
almost furious in its urgency
promising ecstasy and rhapsody
and calm in its permanency
whispering this is rapture and sincerity.


I see images of a rose,
love on the vine.

an erstwhile poet
dancing in his orbit
around the center of his universe --
you, the inspiration for each verse.

want to dive into your ocean
and ride the waves of emotion.
there's no worry I'll drown
for weightless is love's crown.

I yearn for the touch of your words
to fall like silken snowflakes about my head,
burst into flames once heard
and set my paper soul burnng in their stead.

there's so much to share:
a sweet kiss;
a gentle caress.
flattery may get you everywhere.


they say sweets that pass the lips
stay forever on the hips.
so sweetness gathered from twixt the hips
should spend eternity on the lips.
the nectar makes me giddy
like honeymoon champagne
and forever intoxicates me --
love's fine wine thrills my brain.


LOVE is a big word
woven from a million smaller 'luvs'.
I luv being with you,
it adds dimensions to my personality
and makes ego insignificant.
I luv the way you smile,
how your eyes reflect the joy of the soul
and the soft glow you radiate
flares brighter.
I luv the rush of color
it brings your gently drawn cheeks.
and I luv your lilting laugh,
a simple sound that melts me
and absorbs me into its echo.
when you wish to laugh
laugh with me,
it moves me along
in a soothing warm cascade.
when you want to smile
smile on me,
it removes obstacles
and lights my way.
when you need to cry
cry into me,
I'll soak up your tears
and return truth,
fantasy
and support.

listen to me.
I sound just like
some foolish romantic,
young and in love.
guess I am
from time to time.
wish I could be that way
every second, every day.

things had never been more right
i've never done things more wrong
and everything's nothing now
  (i'm still supposed to shine somehow??)

people keep talking to me
  as if they know me
but its so hard to remember
anything other than these raging embers

some of them seem nice enough
  like they honestly care and stuff
but its too hard to focus on friend
  when i can't make the miracle un-end

love dont die
at least for me
it just screams forever
burning broken ragged ravaged fever

call the clowns
and listen closely now
cuz i'm lost without You
lost without You

see in the dark?
of course i can!
aint got no ******* spark
ain't got nothing man

toss all the pebbles into the stream
  none left for Yur window
**** the clown horn's silent scream
  noone needs to Noe

what the **** was i thinking?
what the **** was i drinking?
can't be true
me without You

i was living the dream! like every other relationship and emotion had been the warm up and i was finally where i really belonged, and i wasn't taking it for granted, I swear!! i was completely aware what a miracle WE were and I was doing everything i could imagine to nurture, to kiss caress laugh smile both of our souls, and instead i killed it

i believed in finally finding FINE
because it was pure and perfect
PURE FACT!!
but it could never have been forever
cuz i am the king of forever is never

another soul fracture
  as pure pours impure
the tender taste of bitter tears
  ****** noose burns taint my beer

once again nothing makes sense
even less so than ever before
  and I can pretend no pretense
    as I am slammed into fornevermore

my heart can't quite beat right
another anxiety attack in sight
no chulahoma to make this right
  just a ****** country version of the blues night

and when there won't be another then
  this **** up is the worstest sin
cuz im the best ive ever been
  but too late for the right when
and Yur gone
  and that will forever go on and on

but shall Yur being funnest fullest friend
  mean we find a way not to end
or will all that remains of You
  be just another tattoo?

Dear Dark Diary



i don't even know what day this is

pain & darkness prepare to bleed their oozing etchings onto paper through this loser's agonized analysis, seething and breathing with unholy vitality...


embraced within my dreams
  enriched by my words
    (or were those screams i heard?)

it's funny,
  with all of the times i've known everything,
    how often i know nothing,
i know the cracks show
  and the lacks i Noe
but where and how to go?
  where and how to grow?

have you ever been scared of a scar
  & discovered it was really a scab?
    with true healing never happening
      & it's torn off to the same old bleeding?

not quite drowning i guess,
  but floundering none-the-less.


is this tomorrow yet?  or perhaps it's yesterday forever

what if my words don't work anymore
  and i'm the pathetic failure from before?
maybe amazing isn't meant to be mine
  and i'll remember all of the impotent lines.

what if revisited are my youthful ways
  and unrequited once more rules my days?
what if my interest
  is only cloying eagerness?

remember when intensity and intelligence were irrelevant,
  emotional emoting mattered only to clint,
    & sweet silly sensitivity
      meant merely lonely eccentricity?


ugly inside
  or outside
    or maybe both.
unamazing inside
  or outside
       or probably both.
here we go Cyranoe...

my existence
  bears little relevance.
just a speck of dust,
  mostly just a mote.

it's been a long lovely while
  since empty was my smile.
but now my bright blue eyes are dull,
    as is my soul.


can someone please enlighten me as to which ******* day this might be?

re-destined for the old & alone zone,
  reseated upon this pitiful throne.
And darkness descends,
  doubt deepens,
    destroys all upon which i depend.

Hope escapes & takes passion's throes,
  my crescendo merely an ancient echo.
i never knew i'd be nothing again,
  praying for a new somewhen.

a powerless poet's worthless words
  will try to fly into her wonderful world.
but their wings will be insufficient
  because they were created by clint.

imagined is his cool,
  this jester's just a fool.
he was always only for fun,
  never actually touched anyone.

unable to matter to another,
  my tender heart is torn asunder,
    the silken tatters shattered,
      the silver shards shredded.
        (is the emerald dead?)


****** boiling tears make my eyes shriek,
  stream sizzling scars down my cheek,
    drip into puddle pools of pain,
      and soak into the spreading stain...

Ever had the most rad?
  The holy ghost of glad?

I had seven months of spastically happy,
  miles of miracles more than ever been in me!
I was lifted beyond unknown heights,
  kiss-gifted to upon cloud-shown sights!

**** my sweetest taurus
  tore US
and i was tossed aside
  cast back across cliff-side
on the catapult
  of my-fault

Stranded,
  broken before i landed,
and after,
  all that's left is shatter...

Crying daily,
  well,
    more sobbing uncontrollably,
      spirit crying as it's dying
the essence of yur being
  screaming as it's bleeding...

what is there but weeping and sleeping?

Flowers for the ones you've known,
  the dead given new life grown.
Except it ***** even more than ever before,
  cuz yur heart is being ****** upon Death's shore.

And my present somewhen
  is i shall never shine again.
My rare laughter
  is a terrorist to me,
    a foreigner ex-family.
Anything non-shatter
  is an unwelcome stranger
    nonsense cult danger...

i keep going thru the motions,
  despite nooooooo!!! emotions...
having empty echo conversations,
  exerting energy in wasted creations...

trying to care
why'ing to share
  **** nah
    i got nothing there...
other than a why the **** would i care,
  and a barren sigh soul-struck stare...

Almost all smiles are fake forced and painful,
  ain't that the definition of ******' wonderful?!
**** oh woe is me,
  i s'posed to be oh so happy...
Oh yes sir Cap'n,
  that's gonna ******' happen...

except i ain't got no mend
  and this ain't got no end
other than forever....

in the movement of a moment you met her,
  the mayhap of a magic that just might matter.
your pulse pounds in your pupils,
  pulls & pours perfect purple pearls
    of a never-known intricate history,
      an instant intimate mystery.

from the view point
         the true point
         the view to poignant
Cherry Apple Blossoms
  carry Ample Awesome.
silken sailors on a sultry wind
  blowing between their lotus friends,
wander within the waterfall
  & ride it upwards after all.

mere moments from making memories
  melding mighty might-be's,
your morbid mockingbird returns
  melting maybes into more burns.

the water appears pure
  & your scars need cure,
but it won't wash away the intense,
  can't convince me to release and rinse.
Blood bound to my soaked sleeve,
  saturated with the grieve
    of the heart worn stark there,
      the heart i can't spark or spare.
failing falling farther further
  faster into fractured forever.

from WOAH to WOE
  and WOW to OW,
one more maybe something
  dies another nothing

yeah, i know,
  you been all about NO,
    flushed in a negative flow

As Lucid As Hell

i keep seeing your fleeings
  from deep suffering feelings,
    crushed beyond breathing.

refueled and refeeled are the doubts,
  rabid to wreak the shrieks of their shouts.
happy only happening
  from external stimulation,
misery the missing of my own motivation.
even music is up down all-around,
  sometimes just sound.
how much more tired
  can you grow of uninspired?

But what the **** Dude?
  whence went your Attitude?
the epitome of optimal optimism
  within every wish or whim!
intense immense confidence,
  invincible invulnerable arrogance.
remember the relentless effortless course
  of your subconscious primal source?
the intimate emotional intelligence
  to whom all made sense.

Have you ever felt overflowing
                         been effervescent
                         knew you were undousable?

Are you aware of self-fulfilling prophecies
  that refueling never needs?

Perhaps possibly that personality is not deceased,
  and not even appreciably decreased.
If the power imbuing the flower
  simply slipped sleeping into hibernation,
then there just needs to be a shower
  to rinse in the reinCarnation.

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY
is belief in being almost cute
  with soul-voice articulate.
a writer friends & family call poet
  who rides rhythm & rhyme
    along imagination's music,
      the inner bliss
        which inspires a kiss
witty charming stunned
  sweet smart overcum
suave swan not gone,
  just sleeping til the right dawn.

maybe it's back to the breeze,
  re-friending the days it brought teaching.
information gathered from seas & trees
  transferred to me from miles of reaching.

even then my arrogance knew reverence
  when we would watch the wind
    somehow know how much we did not know
      and wonder how different we'd be once we did...

Tears roll
  I ain't no stone
tears whose only smile
  is a rock n roll ringtone

If all you wanted was a miracle
  to finally make Yur life full
then just have another beer
and you'll end up here

broken
  again
**** beyond broken this time
  (stare if you dare into within the hole)
all that's whole is your rhyme

(I assume you realize,
  you're somehow aware,
     that the hole unwhole is my soul)

Or maybe mayhap perhaps its my heart
  I done been infused with the confuse
    since the break apart start

lying about not dying
  when all that's true
    is all about You
and crying
and why'ing

cuz we were the miracle
  we were a forever full
forever is a lifetime and then many more
  which tweren't enough for all we had in store

everything the song could sing
  of all we could need or desire
love hope strength fuel for the fire
  that was what disappeared into instant nothing

will it always haunt me??
how can she not want me??
hearse curse
  never worse
hope??
happy??
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

just need to keep asking
  how long do you think it might be
    until there's even a mote less agony in me

and i was once more wondering
  what ******* year will i again get to be
    anything even remotely like what was me

please please please pity my pleading
  and promise that some eternity maybe
    someone shall seal & heal these soul holes in me

oh look, he's back
  poor pained poet
    oh woe is me

whistle whining back down the track
  poor pained poet
    oh woe is me

******' boo hoo
so she doesn't love you
just becuz she was The One
  and without her dead is the sun

are we all supposed to suspend our lives
  just because you'll never again be alive
NMFP
  not my ******* problem

oh wait
  i'm the broken boy begging
    don't let it be too late

no-one else needs to care
  about the shredded regrets i share
but that don't diminish the damage
  from landing on the razor
    after being thrown over the edge

shhhhh
  don't wake him up
    he hates waking up

cuz he had a breakdown?
  ****** duh!
thrown from heaven to the ground,
  uh, broken, duh
(did i mention the ground was spikes,
   serrated poison-dripping spikes)

dead but unable to die
  death-breath-kiss in every way that matters
but not allowed to die
  just destined to be bleeding amongst the shatters

why must i wake up again
  every ******* everywhen
    without Shannon

sometimes the ghosts sing
  but at times they scream
same thing with my dreams

but what about when all is shrill
        & pain filled

while the words are wounds which whine
  I'll be well on my way to wasted with white wine
exit to extreme intoxication
  safe in self-immolation

you know you don't matter
  & whatever you share
    you'll never get her

and mister martyr
  you are all too aware
    you'll never forget her

alcohol coma comin'
  come on baby
another new numbin'
  un-reminding me
but beware its violet kiss
be even warier of its violent bliss

solo
  so low
The Jester's Tears
  they still fall
empty tears
  arid
    barren

how do I blind my mind's eye?
  I don't want to think its sights anymore
And I must mute the ******' poet
  dam the **** romantic drivel downpour

know why its the worst
  more of less than even the first?
only began to know her
  never went within her world

among the few glances
  were precious true glimpses
poignant potent powerful portraits
sharing Real emotional details
  joyful & painful
    fun & ******

and now you'll know no more

Life is Fantastic & ******,
All Miracles & Mired in Muck,
And in the Usual Twist,
I Exist Betwixt

i thought i knew agony,
  since we're such old & intimate friends.
i believed there was nothing new to see
  in her all too personal attacks on me.
i let in the thinking that make amends
  if she should ever again descend.

i naively believed that I was an expert
  in the arena of handling any hurt.
just look & listen at my life & see
  what the **** else you gonna do to me

there was the younger brother confusion
  losing closest sister contusion
when my best friend heroine
  made her best friend ******

we really amplified the ride
  with my sister's suicide.
my first and favorite hero self-died,
  the first necessary piece of me also died

then we enter the cyclone center,
  thrown into the throes
    of torn by tornadoes,
      with a myriad of manglings my mentor

there's a lot of not good enough
  where instead of lust and love
    i was just friend and fluff

and as anyone who knows me knows,
  there are 4 wonderful ones of those
    as petals on my unrequited rose

But i knew nothing of true pain
  and its ever renewing refrain
    which crests and crashes only to crescendo again.
i was an amateur at torture
  about to embark on a timeless tour
    of self-immolation soul forfeiture

a novice at breaking bad the prefect kiss,
  when lips lick the dry ice of anti-paradise,
i am now truly the traveler
  along the lanes of the Love unraveler

an evil-apple eater am i,
  a poison addled corpse am i.
a jester who is merely a fool,
  a loser whose uncool is cruel

the ONE who should never have Loved me
  or had any interest whatsoever in me,
liked me licked me Loved me,
  gave her heart and soul and life and time to me.
whispered and caressed and laughed inside me,
and showed me how to be.
took me inside her Love and smile and life and kiss and body,
  allowed me to Love her sweet wonderful daughter as family.
Dreamed up an activity list that we could add to forever
  and began adventuring it and more together.
Out of my league awesome amazing
  let me do so much more than unrequited gazing.
She smiled at me with her eyes,
  so cool and deep and blue.
She smiled at me within her thighs,
  so hot and sweet and squeeze me true.
the HER in her voice
  left me no choice
but to wish my ears had fingertips
  or i could feel her words with my lips.
Everything i had ever wanted or wished for,
  and a myriad of miracles i never knew of before
were given to me by Milady
  and i sang thanks daily.

but like a limp **** drunk
  i tossed my Love a skunk.
i ****** up and failed the ONE
  and she decided we're done

heaven to hell my sad story,
  not even a stop in purgatory.
just ceaseless screams
  and blood-filled streams
    flooding my agony dreams

heart soul shred
  i thee wed.
and this Agony shall echo until the end of forever
  and then some more forever

i was with the one today
  and i had to hear her say
    I love You
      to a man who wasn't me,
        who gets to be
          the only ever being i've ever wanted to be,
            will ever want to be

my heart ceased to be,
  my hurt increased with each un-beat
PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN
the light dead within my eyes,
  why won't this body just ******* die
PAAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNN
broken never runs out of bleeding,
it's agonized creams never receding.
sometimes HAPPY turns into torture...

but so much was wonderful,
  i heard her voice say other things,
i felt the touch of her beautiful
  in how she does everything,
i watched her move
i saw her blue eyes be blue
i got to see her haircut in person
i got to be invited to lunch
i got to watch some World Cup
  and chat like two great friends
which we always wer  even when we were lovers

there was a huge hug,
  at least to me,
and then a quick kiss
  (on the lips, oh god, those lips, they are the rainbow gentle warm rainstorm which can suddenly press    
      into my soul with the urgency and primal energy of the tsunami tide flinging me unharmed miles
         inland onto paradise island which i dream of every time i'm asleep or awake),
and then a comfortable smiling pleasant farewell
  which let me remember happiness tell its tale.

and i got to remember
  every moment with her
grocery shopping
(ecstatic with joy)
floor mopping
  (giddy boy with xmas toy)
walking around the lake
  with all the babble you could take
talking in the jacuzzi
  as we laughed with Z-O-E
hiking biking camping bi-plane flying
  smiling inside with heart soul flying

i got to remember
  passion
  moans
  squeezes
  I Love You's
  I Need You's

and even though awake
  i dreamt of how i dream
    of our blue eyes being bluer
      because of each other

then
  i get to return to my broken,
    beg the universe for another chance for US
  and count the seconds
    until our next meeting as friends

all i'll ever want
  is to be what She wants
to be the everything She needs
to be what beats Her heart
  as it flutters it as well
to be the amazing feeding Her soul
  to be The One making Her whole

and if She would say okay
  to make Love with Her everyday
kiss squeeze
  lick rub stroke
**** Her as hard as I can
  (except for when she wants some gentle
whenever she wants to ***

and did i mention
  the blue eyes of Shannon
which i need to stare into
until mine become as blue....

Once upon the most important moment
  ever to be crucial to my too-invulnerable soul,
i ****** up beyond all possibility to be believed,
  utter failure for the only forever which will ever matter

confident in my idiot coat,
  i slit my own throat
    (with my serrated knife
      of not good enough
     i ended my greatest life
       by killing her loving our Love)

i cut out my own heart,
  watched my aborted soul
   streak shrieking out the gaping hole
it was mourning for all the mornings
  it would never wake beside her
it hated me for all the adventures
  it will now never share with her
it shall always despise me
  for the forever she denies me

the blade of my inability
  to make her believe in me
carved out my breaking barely beating heart
  but could not **** the boundless hurt
    (this pain shall always forever reign)

Eventually
  i mostly got over the loss of my sister
    because i couldn't keep empowering the horror
and i understood why she couldn't go on
  and she would have wanted me to move on

Eventually
  cannot this time occur,
i can't even minutely reduce the power of this horror,
  it is feral aggressive primordial omnipotent horror

Shannon, oh, Shannon,
  you threw me away
Shunned, oh god, shunned
on my Judgement Day

The One
  dis-believed US
  un-believed US
The One, while crying,
  said she still Loved Me (me!!)
    (and missed me, silly)
and wasn't better without me,
  but wouldn't be with me
and then went back to an ex before me
  so easily and fast into over me.

And i'll never get past that,
  any of that...

how do you meet a miracle,
The One & Only One,
who says sighs smiles you make each other miracled,
  and then just be over & done.

i don't know if you've ever been that broken,
  if very want you've ever wished for
was suddenly sharing a million more,
and then in an instant all was unspoken

and i  don't know
  if the worst experience you'll ever know
was an unexpected assault
from your own ****-up fault,
was a sudden evil somewhen
  banishing the best you've ever been

but she won't let me fix the what or the why,
  so i'll live for decades wanting to die.
and even in my nothing,
  i do know a few things...

i don't want this dark,
  i want her spark
    & the flame it ignited
      & the future it excited
which used to burn with no pain
  & i keep trying for believing
    somehow someday it will again

i don't want this darkness
  that after her i “live” in.
i just want her kiss
  again & again & again

i don't want to know
  any more of this limp limbo,
i want when i make her laugh
  and make her smile two times plus half

i can't know any more of this horror,
  can't keep knowing years exploding into tears.
i want to keep quoting the movie
where You said Yur best was me
      (seriously, ME!!!!)
    she said it was me

Shannon's voice
  her personality
the touch of her eyes' smile
  and trying to watch that at the same time
    as staring at those luscious lips
while aching to grab her *** as
  we pulled us hips to hips.

everything about her
  and about US
the LOVE
  the LUST
the connections from a multitude of directions
  the music
    the emotions
the bodies playing tunes
  as hearts kept the beat
and kayaks under full moons
  whispered we were the shared heartbeat
    that everyone dreams about
            everyone dreams about
we were it
  we are it
it will never not be right
  it will never not be our night

but her eventual belief
  became my eternal grief
as instead of mend it
  and make US even stronger
she decided to end it
  and make US no longer

so sorrows are all my tomorrows
  and volcano tears are my eyes for years
    (they explode without warning
      all throughout every day
     and no-one seems to see the scarring
      as they burn & turn my heart to pompei)

i envisioned holding her for forever,
  tightly when she wanted,
    loosely when she was ultra busy
      and a light touch would make her happy

i remember every time she touched me,
  it was always rhythm & rhyme & HAPPY
seriously,
i still tingle from her first touch,
    who knew June 30th, 2013 would mean so much
      (or that February 3rd, 2014 would **** me)
we sat & spoke & shared beside a fire,
  finally in person with the finest person,
    as her personality & eyes & & voice set me forever afire
      (until the day she emailed me into broken)

and now i remember how a miracle dies,
  i remember with my once bright blue eyes
whose light left when she said
  we will never be wed,
    we will no longer Love instead

& then my eyes ceased seeing my soul,
  not merely blinded
    by all that was reminded
      staring into that bleeding hole,
but instead finally ******* dead

look me once more in the eyes,
  see the agony in their empty,
and cry as You realize
  removing You from me killed me

break my mirror,
  what's left to lose?
take my forever fear,
  i shall succumb & lose

a We that was US
  is naught but a forgotten smile
and yet all the while...

the other we is here waiting,
  my brokenness & i.
forever needing our re-fating,
  DEAD but dreaming of being alive

i was just somewhere,
  i swear!
i almost remember,
  and i think there i cared...

today gives way
  tomorrow fading into being
but what perspective does it give
  which will help me love to live?

from reveller
  to mere traveller,
    fearful of the future
    further along the same circle
    & the skein i spin within

inside & outside
  are copious quantities of chaos
    & i just a “lost” they toss

i try to feel, find or force focus
    personal   emotional
    intellectual   existential
    internal   external
  but then the things i see
   sting with the stain of negativity

pathetic pessimist i be
  underwhelmed by myself
my glass not simply half-empty
  but banished broken on the shelf

whiny little ******,
  or rather non-******,
my only sublime
  another tired rhyme

i find fine & fun with friends,
  but when they're gone it ends.
i'm all dependence upon their outside
  to influence my gone-bare inside

without their temporary infusion
  i return to my self-intrusion
    to kiss & curse the chaos
      and claim i carry a cross

the myriad meanderings of my melancholy madness
  lead me mostly inbetween depression & sadness.
so when alone is what's known,
  i nest in a node of numbness,
    request substances define my self's substance,
      provide my soul's sole sustenance

And in that distortion of view,
  i redefine true
    replace peace with painless
      and happiness with highness

but I was just somewhere,
  I swear!
and while I remember some grief,
  I still feel all of that belief...

the execution is complete,
  the blood sticky sweet.
yet somehow i'm still here,
  the end of this pain nowhere near.

i'm not nothing without You,
  it's just that the only thing i am
    is a broken boy thrown away toy.
okay so really i'm nothing without You,
  except the only thing that i am
    is absolute agony antithesizing joy.

dreaming expires
hoping retires
  and when she reminded me
    of what is really me
      it was pathetic ******* loser
        & why would she want that with her

i was merely a distraction,
  a temporary action.
before she went back to another,
  was better with her other lover

after all these years,
  the screaming & the tears,
i've finally completely ******* faded,
  the last chamber of my heart degraded

the only colors are red (pure purreed pain)
                              blue (aggressive depression)
                              & grey (dead yet somehow still not gone)

and i should be bland,
  but although broken & barren,
the pain is too intimate with its intensity
  to let me dye away from this **** me

please save me
please believe in me
please unbreak me
please retake me

it's not that i'm nothing without You,
  it's just that the only thing i am
    is a broken boy thrown away toy.
shattered shards further shredded,
  a soul just a hole that's been beheaded

the execution is complete
  and dead is the heartbeat.
so why oh why oh why
  can't i just ******* die

i only want one of two things,
  **** whatever else the world brings.
to be with her forever
  laughing along whichever whatever
    changing challenges into our favorite weather
or not to exist,
  a popped cyst
    melted into the mist

fire always burns
  but it only hurts if you can still feel
frost also burns
  but why care if you've no heat left to steal

The One,
  do you comprehend my words,
The One,
  ******* understand what you heard,
The One left me,
  think you can touch that agony?

i novaed my way along
  the first few days of forever
i glowed my giddy song,
  even when sharing mundane whatever
i exploded with her into where we belong
  when we were on an adventure

one day with The One
one night with The One
  was wonder untold
    never to grow old

the next & the next & the next,
  each somehow better than the rest
(which should be impossible
  given each's penultimate wonderful)

but blessed became cursed
  and now each new day is the worst

i was walking hand-in-hand with happiness
  now running begging towards emptiness
but i cannot escape this agony
  cuz it's the cancer inside of me

and it's all my fault,
  my failure fault.
not what i could have been
                  should have been
as a boyfriend
  or a companion

just a loser lover,
  and the judge was not miserly
    sentencing my misery

did i happen to mention
that i found lose in my ultimate win
and far too far before forever
  The One
    threw away her clinton....

the blood-soaked splinters
  of my broken heart
drip screams into my dreams
  that never stop once they start

the mirror-shard memories
  of my shattered soul
reflect what once was perfect
  now whole only as a hole

both are buried barely breathing
  in an eternal fetal curl
fantasizing about an end upon which they depend
  romanticizing any means to meet that end

picturing the gun
  (their new bestest friend)
with its whispered promises
  of pain finally none
    and never misses.

as i am imagining its caring companion
  (which whistles thru the wind)
streaking seeking to blow my mind
  & on its exit make my pain none,
sweet bullet so kind!

i want to kiss it
               caress it
shower it with its favorite flower,
  give it the champagne of my brain

but although my plea is loud,
  this is not for me allowed.
Carla sent her life into hollow,
  and i cannot let me follow

i was born
  i laughed
  i cried
    the former much much more

years after first torn
  i still laughed
  i still cried
    the former still somewhat more

then i met my miracle
  and present & future were immediately wonderful
    with surface & every single level beautiful
and i smiled & laughed & sighed & swooned
  and whispered & whistled
    with US the tune

then i ****** up
  & she gave up
and i may occasionally laugh
  but mostly i cry
    the latter now infinitely more

Shannon & i kissed souls
  but i murdered our miracle
now all i can do is wait
  and beg it to reincarnate

She Chose Wrong,
Either in the Beginning
Or at the Ending
Or Both


Either i can't fall asleep,
  the broken too deep
    to allow a long enough cease in the screams
      for my mangled mind to ease into dreams.

Or i can't want to awake,
  mop up more soul blood from the break,
    accept the cruel caress of the reality razor,
      inhale a shriek like the shock of a taser.

Molten affection,
  merely missed direction.
She passed on precious
& picked for me pathetic.

the words we shared, spoken & unspoken, were apparently obviously irrelevant, the emotions Hollywood transparent, the Love only alive inside one side, the caressing was not the coursing of ultimate intimacy, just some stroking, just some *******, the Making Love was merely *******, the cuddle snuggle happy happy joy joy two as one was only not being alone, the together forever hopes plans ideas tingly sparkly promises of the future was really just passing some time, the kisses, hot & wet & as perfect as you can get (sometimes soft & searching, sometimes soooo assertive with their urgency) turns out were just the touching of lips, not the tasting & entwining of hearts & souls. i Loved Everything, more than the combining of every everything ever felt before, and the tasting of the time, the singing of the seconds, the linking from eye-soul-gaze locking, the embraces, the feverishly ******* her anytime anywhere there was the opportunity, the hours sleeping beside her, the ecstasy shower of being inside her, were all ultra-exquisite awesomeness, **** you need to understand, kissing her was incredible to my heart, each & every kiss was passionate & intimate & tingled me to my toes, sometimes curling them, and made me feel completely in tune, like our hearts were sharing the same beats...

Asleep or awake,
  it's all break.
Deep in sleep or newly awoken,
  it's always even more broken.
Either is the same shattered stare,
  **** this forever nightmare...---

sometimes life is a country song

your dog is dead
  you can't breathe
    you heart hurts
       and everything is wrong

Broken up with
  Broken
torn apart & terrified
  my miracle life has died

Best it's ever been
  to worst it's ever been

I have been beside her
  in joy and love.
Been inside her
  in joy and love.

I have seen straight into her soul,
  stared awe-struck in love a million-fold.
Been sent further than I knew you could go beyond control
  by the sweet succulent scent of her soul
    (it is trails & rivers & bamboo
      & cooking & kissing & always true
      & music & wild wonderful lover
      & absolutely amazing mother
      & blue eyes which made mine bluer
      & spinning fire & adventures
     it is staring into the sun without going blind
     it is the One Love i waited my entire life to find)

i worship and weep at an altar of forever remember
  where we bike and hike and soul-stare-share,
    make love anywhere
                      everywhere
                      sharing a shower
                      or a counter encounter,
    fling frisbees by our beach scenery
      before flinging footballs at a winery,
    toss pebbles at windows
      before she curls my toes,
    clown horn swarm her iphone
      as rock n roll ring tones
        rock n roll my real phone,
    fall asleep holding her
      happier than ever before,
    dream of years of days of seconds with her
      each somehow better than the one before,
    and awaken to the miracle of her
      even happier than ever before!

Then in a dead dream
  never to be our reality
    (aborted before my belief dream
       actually became our forever reality)
i somehow play guitar,
  become Yur miracle musician poet star,
and in a perfectly uncontrollable embrace
  You scream & whisper as You kiss my face,
and as we make each other *** & then some
  and tremble at the power of what we've become
we are dazzled by discussions of the future,
  of our family and activities and Love so pure!

Eventually i wake up
  why?
i hate when i wake up
  cry!

Shannon
  oh Shannon
    my Shannon
the One i waited forever for,
  why did You show me the sacred shore
    only to **** me and leave me bleeding in agonized gore

You are the Love of my life,
  i'll always wish You were my wife!
& with Z-O-E
  we were a family :)

**** You killed US,
  crushed and swept away the dust.
You loved me one day,
  the next You threw me away...

The 3rd day of February
  is when i ceased to be me.
There are sporadic moments
  where i'm almost clint
**** mostly i'm merely a regression
  into deeper darker depression....

something left to lose?
  only the loss of Shannon....
all else has been given to the blues
  since the loss of Shannon....
(i could give up this forever festering bruise
    left on my heart's soul since losing Shannon)

am i supposed to somehow be able
  to claim i'm capable to enable
any ability to continue to carry on
as someone remotely resembling clinton

cuz i can't

broken is actually an entity
  which becomes who you be
when forever with her is priceless
  but forever without her is eternity

that star we gazed upon
  as it shone on our moon,
i thanked its kiss upon our lips
  until the land mine of its eclipse

no way to know that nova
  of Shannon kissin me into awesome
would one day be the anti-nova
  of clinton being the ultimate anti-awesome

how did the fire expire and You moved me from Love to like to kinda like to lose my number you loser ex-lover
there was a flower that had been waiting to blossom for forty-four ******* looooooonnnggg years of barren & burned or ignored & spurned and then it finally showed me all of its beauty, blossomed fuller & fabulouser, then built the bliss unbelievably day after day after day after even every moment and then when i thought we were going to commit to another entire level my rose turned up her nose, my tulip left me looking at her two lips (perfect lips), my finally requited Love looked at my soul, gazed upon my soul, linked US heart to heart, body to body, soul to soul, judged my being, and returned me to un-requited, threw me to the inside of suicide where the wolves are waiting, oh, the wolves are wanting, and i'm not strong enough to survive the destruction of me, and i can't outrun the wolves, and what does it mean when your eyes bleed, and when broken is actual physical is the heart supposed to hurt & pound in pain every morning in mourning for itself and cry to see the butterfly die in an inferno which begins with its wings infected inflicted with a deadly spark which seems to be beauty but is eventual evil and burns it into broken....

universe, please, please, help me, heal me (in Shannon), or just ******* **** me, please....

pray in vain
  pay the pain.
let love scream
  tears tearing their stream

embrace incomplete
  never again complete
your only one
  pure no-one
    your once & future no-one

remember how to own alone
  return to the role you ruled
you knew it was exiled to unknown
  too bad the genius again was fooled

your words wander weak & watered-down
  wasted away & weighted-down
    waiting to weave the waves
      within which they will drown

it matters not what you imagine
  or how amazing the emotion,
every pulsing pearl of passion
  merely more powerful poison

she'll just kiss some other guy
  letting him swim within her eyes
caressing his face with those fingertips
  whispering to him with her voice's lips

cry in vain
  “why?!” to the pain
hear love scream its heart raw
  feel the fatal of your fate's flaws

and as alone regains its former glory
  know now it shall never again go away
accept that its plot has become your story
  as you die inside but cannot reach your last day

If only You still Loved me
  the sunshine would still sing
    instead of shrilly sting

Our days would be far too sappy,
  making each other far too happy.
Better to **** it to death
  before it could draw another breath.
Why would we want all those years
  helping each other laugh at our fears

If only You had truly Loved me
  then the salvation promising to eternally kiss me
    would not be the damnation forever killing me

Our nights would be shared heartbeats,
  making Love on sweet sweaty sheets.
Best to just strangle that sucker,
  we must mangle that ******.
But what was the miniscule worth
  of sharing this miracle on earth?

If only You had believed in me,
  that I wasn't Joe,
    i was just noe.

Then i could have been good enough,
  could easily have fixed the ****-ups...
And i was soooo ready to too,
  i was excited to push anew
    from that night of February Two

I was supposed to amplify Yur positives,
  help You handle & heal Yur negatives!
**** i failed to remove
  my own scratched grooves...

And then so suddenly i was incapable of breathing,
  i was no longer even remotely being.
Stabbed in the eyes was my soul-seeing,
  thrown away was a Love no longer breathing.

Holy miraculous universe
  suddenly jarred into reverse.
Everything reverts to nothing,
  horrific heart-hurt the only something.

The butterflies born from every single second with You,
  shall forever flutter shudder wounded within my bleeding being...
And i don't noe what they think they want me to do
  or how to convince them to please stop screaming

Sooooo many seeping weeping scars,
  burning novae dead stars.
Just glad it's me who's gone,
  and She can smile on...

i am unable
  to understand the fable
why the shakespeare tragedy
  why the unspeakable agony

i failed
  i ****** up
and i'll never forgive me

but i was hyper-excited
  to fix the issues together
    to have US be ignited even further

how could You not believe
how could You make me leave
how could You look me in our eyes
  where blue kisses blue
    in a sweet soul stare
      and we end up nowhere

i thought i saw immortality
  as the US holding Z-O-E
but i was ****** into mortality
  when She killed US and then me

She executed the execution so nicely
  and supposedly still loves me
but She got over me almost instantly
  loving some man from before me
while i die even harder every ******* day
  please oblivion take me today

where is the cemetery
  where she buried Love
where is the grave
  where rot her feelings for me

how am i not still part of Her heart
  why do i rot in this soul hole of nothing
how could She take the hurt of tearing US apart
  was it just me who thought We were everything

how can You be The One
  and i'm no-one

There have been women
who liked me licked me
    hugged me held me
      ****** me ****** me,
gave their time to me,
  saying they loved me

walked with me thru days & nights,
  talked with me about the sounds & sights,
let me move them
let me make them moan
let me hold their hand
as we said we understand

It was wonderful to be me
  whenever they were near
but somehow some whisper within me
  just barely too soft to hear
knew they were just telling me
  what i wanted so desperately to hear

but You convinced me (fooled me?), made me feel the entirety of eternity, actually believe in my far too tender heat & vulnerable soul that i was the One who was hot, inside & out, that i was cool on level after level, that i was cute & ****, that my eyes were truly blue and saw straight deep into You & that i made You know You are beautiful & hot & the Most of Everything & Loved & Needed & Perfect & Gorgeous inside & outside & more amazingly wonderful on each & every level than i could have ever even imagined and i moved Yur heart & mind & soul & made You *** out of control. That i was sweet and made You complete and am giving & kind & interesting exciting & funnest & way beyond worth falling in Love with over & over and i made Yur toes curl & Yur tingles smile and i was Loved and Needed....

Maybe it was all just my imagination
  or a wrongly remembered memory,
but i swear upon everything i have ever held holy
  You held me as close & tight as You possibly could
    and whispered sweetly that You Loved me
      and that it actually happened a lot
        and then suddenly not

in the middle of the midst of the scene
  i swear this ******'s already been seen

cut to some day
  that seems like today
or should be,
  maybe.
except I can't quite manage to distinguish
  the quiet from the mirage from the extinguished

stomping barefoot on broken glass
  moshing in a field of razor grass
will the screaming ever ease?
  the shrieking ever cease?

price paid
  over & over
    ad infinitum
fight not to fade
  over & over
    and then some

exhausted
  self-accosted
so sick of this ****
  & its anti-exquisite
    ready to abandon belief in it
but will when ever be the whole then again?
  will Clint ever really rock & roll & rule again?

hmmm,
  we know you can't bind me
    if I decide to find me
  so get thee behind me
    before I remind me
  of the achievements I was “meant” for
    which I never ever gave a **** for

Force of Nature
  my own answer
intellectual
emotional
primal
  the forever genius jester

wit charm & character
  with four-alarm laughter
exiting the confusion
  burning cold fusion

escaped from my asylum
  for the emotionally insane
unbroken I again become
  and this phoenix shall remain

Have You Ever Had A Heart?

When we're here at the end
  how where do I begin?
With stars upon thars
and scars upon ours?
With she broke me
  **** she did it nicely?

with details expressed about being depressed?
  despair dangles me in death's doorway
    but doesn't drop me quite all the way
  ******* coward won't keep his word
    so I must exist another day...

heart is dead
  yet still it screams
heard in my head
  haunting my dreams
    (hunting me it seems)

simple savage sappy sorrow
  shall be the same tomorrow
as pain shrieks
  in fetal fever
blood stain streaks
  in fatal forever
because of course
  the miracle is a rotting corpse

forever with her          timeless
forever without her        eternity

is there a way to block having to see someone use this site as a personal blog????  I really want to read and share with people who are trying to explore their feelings and thoughts and laughs and tears and joys and losses by exploring all those things thru words their hearts and souls and minds pour into poetry...not be deluged by someone's constant brain farts. It is a place to share poetry, not a diary or a blog.  So if anyone knows how to block an individual contributor, I would love to now how as well....

How many times upon a time I do not know
(I'm certain it's close to infinite though),
a man speaks to a beach with its watching moon
and beseeches them to grant him a boon.
He wanders and wonders what everything means,
and wonders if his wanders lead to what should be seen.
He seeks to speak words never heard,
and is smitten with the thought of ideas never written.
He remembers living in darkness unforgiving,
with blades of pain in the brain
which carved out parts of his heart.
He recalls laughter and love,
and joy from within and above.
Forsooth he searches for truth,
to re-touch the teachings of youth,
while embracing maturity,
and all it's taught him to be...

Whether you name it Destiny
  when it searches thru the many
and decides if you receive only mini
  or are even allowed to have any
    (is your future already finis?)

Whether you call it Kismet
  as it views what you haven't met yet
and determines who & what you get
  or when you win or lose the bet
    (will your skies be sunrise or sunset?)

Whether you know it as Fate
  while it muses how long you must wait
and deems if you're worthy of its weight
  or decrees your each and every date
    (how well will you rate?)

You will wonder as you wander into its silken mist
  if you head towards a caress kiss or just a fist.
Will it find you a friend
  and a Love which shall never end?
or the knife that carves away your life,
  the noose you're too late to cut loose?

Will it whisper in a whistle only you can hear
  that your hopes are actually fears
    and your dreams are nightmares here?
Or will it tattoo you through & through
  with image-symbols pure-silver true
    gleaming new
      gleaned from all you ever knew?

Will it make your view re-size
  and force you to realize
that part of the heart is in the head
  and when it starts bleeding it's hard to hide
    impossible to hold inside
as the soul-tears escape to sting you dead
  & stain your eternal world red?
Or will it tell you to take a look
  and learn that nothing is a lock?
You can make your own luck,
  you can Make Love & ****.

Will it sing to me, Clint,
  there will always be a WOW moment....

Take Me To The Beach

it may seem you've become the pauper,
  been left bereft and love hope poor.
that it's glitterless gold
  staining your soul,
and a sliver of silver
  is your spirit splinter.

but the ocean
  and its beach,
so often your destination,
  in life & imagination,
still has much to teach.

all the years of toes in the sand
  are still here holding onto your hand.
childhood still plays in these waves,
  the adolescent became adult within those waves.

the sunlight splashing down
  with embrace & silent sound
warms you inside & out
  just like the first time you found out
this was the place to learn,
  and you would always return.

the power
  the rolling rumbling echo
    the froth shower
      the NEVER-ENDING flow
still excites
       intoxicates
like the first time
  I discovered I understood
    rhythm & rhyme

the movement of the water
  (the motion of the ocean,
     c'mon, had to say it)
is still exotic
   & hypnotic
and whether watching
  or touching
still makes me feel one with the world

I have run headlong to dive into the water (even when far too cold for anyone and everyone I'm with) and swam and played within the waves and swum out to where it is only swells and scuba'd along shores with yards and yards of water above and cruised in ships along coastlines and in wild wide open oceans and earned a degree studying its forces and formulas and denizens and the awe and joy has never receded with the tide...

What doesn't **** you,
  only makes you stronger...
unless it kills you

farther into the forest
  than any path can ever find
emotions imagine an eden
  and insist upon belief in its existence

a heart's hopes unable to rest
  are not necesarily kind
and if paradise remains barren
  belief begins to question its insistence

choking on the inbetween
  of reality and what I mean
stoking stroking fantasy's awe
  until I end up ridden raw

I'll wear my ice-blue rose
  til my death and beyond
Unrequited and Rejected
  with its core sorely infected
Yet still somehow it knows
  not a single petal was Loved wrong

the ghost won't ever dim in my mind
  nor release its tingle from my feel
tattooed with you on each inch of my inside
  the only woman I want to sing me real

if only you would take me deep within you
  and want for me to hold you too
I would inhale you way within
  never to ever exhale again