STILL ENRAGED
Still single
Still feeling ripped off
Still waking up alone
Still at these ******* coffeeshops only to **** time
Still hopeless
Still feeling weakened by loneliness
Still wanting to slit wrists
Still wishing I was never born
Still wanting to throw myself into oncoming traffic
Still wanting to cry & bash my head into a wall
Still alone
Still alone
STILL ALONE

Still feeling like a ******* outsider in a room filled with people who are my "FRIENDS"
Still losing my faith in humanity
Still here
with you

I hadn't planned on writing this
I also didn't plan on sitting here by my lonesome either
I would've much rather spent it in the arms of lover
curled up watching netflix
dreaming
laughing

But no
here I am instead

with you

My beloved
awaits for my return
on
the other side of
this plane

I cannot return to her
Not yet

my mission here is not complete

And so...the road continues....

Endlessly.....

She walked beside me
many, many centuries ago

our paths were one
I remember it distinctly

I could hold her and feel her life blood for hours at a time

Decades have passed since
and the sands of time have caused us to
grow apart....now I no longer recognize her

our paths no longer one
I now chase pavement

looking for someone whom I cannot recognize
and it hurts

And no amount of music or money or anything can change that

Don't you take
another step

leave your trivial problems at the door

(if only momentarily)

This world....when you really put all
mundane human quandaries aside

is a place of wonder, magnificence and
second to none

I love this place

I wonder how the world will end
I wonder if i will survive this winter
I wonder what its like to have a family
I wonder if i will ever find the stability and security that
I so desperately crave

I wonder what its like to die
I wonder who will be there to greet me on the other side
I wonder why my life has been such a roller coaster of *******
I wonder what its like to have something to keep fighting for

i went towards the light in search of meaning

I am alone with my thoughts

they slither around me.....hissing and shooting me
menacing looks

my future gets darker by the minute

all I want Is what everyone else has in excess

love, companionship,  affection....a reason to continue fighting

The solitude will consume me
**** me out

my reward.....
death

what did the universe expect
after years of neglect?

I am oozing with seething resentment and vitriol tonight
This raging beast comes
courtesy of alcohol and years of unrequited affection

I **** and seethe as I sit here typing this out
one stylus stroke at a time

All I wanted tonight was some affection

I deserve it
I truly do

instead the universe gives me nothing

I sit here
thoughts of hurting myself and others flood my mind

I am the opposite of strong
resentment overtakes what used to be merryment and cheer

I am human and god tonight

My intention is not to sound morbid....

I hope my death is a quick and sudden one

I hope my parting inspires people to get together

I hope absence is felt...

because at this moment.....

I feel unimportant, meaningless,
and devoid of companionship

To live in this world
is to struggle

Against....
-the elements
-yourself, mainly your mind
-circumstances beyond your control
-old age
-enemies of all shapes and forms
-disease

we
will be
claimed by one or all
of the above

no one is exempt

so enjoy what time you have

see these struggles as an initiation

see you on the battlefield

Are we destined to commit, to bathe in same mistakes
over and over and over again?

yours truly...STILL
after years and years
still hasn't learned very much

it is my wish for you that
yoy achieve that satori moment
before its too late

Namaste

It's moments like these

moments of exhaustion
moments of sullen solitude
moments of wondering what the point of moving forward is...

When I don't have the energy or motivation
Moments that I can't be strong

that I have you
I have this outlet

you be strong for me when I cannot
I will do the same for you one day

Namaste

What should I do with this one life of mine?*

Should I join a worthy cause?
Should I help those in need?
Should I rob a liquor store?
Should I become a drug addict, then recover from my addiction and *"FIND THE LORD"?
Should I pretend to be something I'm not?
Should I be gay?
Should I be a crossdresser?
Should I **** someone and bury the body where no one will ever find it?
Should I start a family?
Should I be a good father, or a bad one?
Should I live in the city or in the mountains?

Should I believe in god or be atheist?

Should I fall in love?

Should I love or hate my fellow humans?

I just can't decide tonite....
What to do....what to do....

I've loved
I've lost
I've pined away for someone who didn't even know I existed
I've bled
I've cried and sobbed sorrowfully
I've moved on
I've contemplated on ending my life to end my suffering
I've triumphed
I've achieved
I've met my goals just at the deadline
I've crossed the line point of no return
I've loathed myself
I've been kind to a perfect stranger
I've given loads of my time and energy to a worthy cause
I've wondered
I've pondered
I've doubted
I've sat in silence
I've pursued what speaks to my soul

*I've lived

Tonight

only tonight will I not live In fear

I will dust myself off
and march onward

as is the gods themselves walked right beside me

you may call me bold

im just on a mission

Level with me

Is my heart too scarred to love again

Have my eyes been too blackened by hurt
to see clearly again

Am I

beyond hope?

It feels like it

Tonight...

I'll stare out my

window

in hopes
that I may catch a glimpse

of
her...

If I stumbled

would you help me
back up?

Would you?

Or would you

leave

me bleeding on the ground?

Don't leave me like this...

I often wonder

If I'm being punished

For crimes from past lifetimes

This journey is long, lonely, and painful

It's really not fun

An
oasis

of a lover
is truly
my hearts desperate
beckoning

it uselessly grasps
and reaches out

to the emptiness

in high hopes that
one day very soon

his hand will find another

and together they'll
float endlessly though

the
horizons of tomorrow

Today might be the day...

A little piece
Of me
Dies

Every time I sit
Here and make poetry

On my itouch

Whilst I watch
Families play with their
Children

Right in front of me

DO NOT
be
afraid
to wear your heart

on your sleeve

come let's wear ours
together

And live
the rest of our days
smiling

If tonight was the last nite that I were to have
The one regret that at my heart would start to stab

Would be the burning and yearning to make slow love to you
To have you and to hold you until the day started anew

I swear I'd be gentle as...

There
is a tremendous amounts of
BLISS

in this very moment

And....
it is available to all living beings

who surpass
the illusion of
"yesterdays" & "tomorrows"

What are you waiting for?

Get on with it already

GO!

Live your life
the way
YOU
want to live it

How I wish I wasn't such a horrible person
That pretends not to be so that
he may mingle with the rest of the humans

How I wish i was a natural, a prodigy, at something
anything really

so that I could at last give my spirit
the recognition it
seems to feel it deserves

How I wish I would stop pushing all
of my lovers away

one by one

they all vanish
Like driftwood
into the depth that is
the enormous ocean that my empty heart

has become

How I wish that she loved me
how I wish I could love my family like many, many do
how I wish I wasn't me

Bigger than a mountain
this magic runs though me
It swallows and collides
it makes my fears run and hide

No, no

there it begins anew
I'm off to satisfy it
I hope this hunger I never lose

So distant

Even further than the furthest galaxy

it is

Is the feeling of your warm hand

caressing my hair

It's so hard

to tell you I love you

sometimes

because the truth is

I actually do and always will

Let the amount of "No"s you receive in life
be greater than all the grains of sand in existence

Reason?

They will, ultimately, be
the source of your inner strength and character

There is nothing more empowering in the universe
than rejection

It brings you so much closer to the truth
than you might think

You are your own worst enemy

It is through

inner strength

that this changes

I love the way you say my name

The space between the letters is a echo-y cavern

That is filled
with my
unexplainable
love
for
you

This is what I can promise you:

Your journey WILL NOT be a straight line

You will know heartbreak, like it or not

You will spill your blood on this earth,
expect it, just don't let it define you

Your thoughts are the only thing
you have
control over

Don't take and take and take from
the universe
and be surprised when the universe
takes from you in return

Always give first

Tell me that you love me

Adore me

Take my weathered
tattered remains

As they are

or not

Never
will this day return to you

All the smells and sights

Surrender to them

Let them permeate you

You'll thank me later

If you can fight....
Fight!
If you can sing....
Sing!
If you can jump....
Jump!
If you can laugh
Laugh!

Maniacal are those who
consciously are not
what they
actually are  

Be amongst those who
simply
are
EXACTLY
what
they are

Nothing more...
nothing less...
less

The brevity of this life of yours is so fleeting

That the breeze which pierces through branches

seems like snail in comparison

So, so quickly it goes...

Get a ******* grip already

Her eyes keep me awake at night
They pierce through my foul moods

and in them
galaxies begin and end

I am helpless and
at their mercy

They linger in me

Life is a quilt

This life of yours is made up of many, many pieces

Some bigger than others

Some bits will be torn
Others will be neatly shaped

All different colors for certain

All coming to form one giant cacophony of who you are

Always remember...

Your life is the whole quilt, not small part of it

See the beauty of your fine work

She has a gaze that feels like a gentle mist
Drizzles on my face & lips

Her touch is gentle

Her heart is a jigsaw puzzle piece
that fits right in my chest

GOD
*******
******

why can't I just be ok again