I'm so scared! I need someone to hold my hand tonight...

I have so many things swirling around in my head right now – SO many feelings I cannot even begin to name. I feel safer writing than sitting and I am unable to talk about them. I am living in crippling fear…unable to sleep, unable to eat…and fighting with everything inside of me to get through each night. And it’s too much tonight…so much I want to talk, there’s so much to say…but she won’t let me talk. I’m scared. It’s overwhelming me tonight, I cannot breathe and I am poised and ready for flight now.

Nights like tonight…there have been a lot of them…I would reach out to DT and beg him to help me, just to get through this moment…and he would comfort me and tell me that I am okay…but I can’t hear him now. I know I should be able to do this. I am an adult…but I don’t feel like an adult. I feel like a scared little girl- living for others at the expense of my own needs.

I want someone  to hold my hand tonight because it is crushing me and I am afraid…

I need it to stop for awhile. I can throw it all in a bucket during the day and I can dazzle the world…so why does it have to hurt so bad at night? Why can’t I make it stop? It's like a pressure cooker...and I can 'contain' it and deflect, and divert attention, but it is bubbling over tonight and scalding me!

What happened? I just want to be okay…I just want it to stop.

So here it is…I am a shadow of NitaAnn – a shadow of my former self- the Nita most people know and love. Certain parts of me that are so lacking now…energy, drive, stamina… I am so tired all the time. I have spent the past 2 months thinking I can outrun it. But I cannot. I can hide it away from everyone else but I cannot outrun it.

I do not sleep anymore. The husband tells me I constantly whimper and cry in my sleep.  And I wake up multiple times a night in the middle of a panic attack. I cannot sleep without being terrorized - I get that it is irrational – and the logical side of my brain tells me that, but the paranoid side is tipping the scales these days…I am not in control really. All the drive and spirit and strength and determination that I used to have has been drained from me.

I feel crazy. I am paranoid. I am anxious. I am depressed. I am in the dark place every single night. I just need something to renew my courage and determination. But it just seems like everything is a temporary ray of sunshine in the darkness. Every night is scary...every night a potential set back into self injury hell.

I keep having these panic attacks...I feel dizzy and flushed – nausea that I try to breathe through so I do not *****. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere – and I have to stop in the middle of something, grab the wall and just try to breathe. It happens during the day to now not just at night, but I do not tell anyone. I know I need help – but I cannot ask for help...I am too embarrassed. This is not me. I do not know who this is...she has been around way too long – and that makes me scared that she is me forever.

                I cannot do this anymore tonight...the scary movies have  
                                            started....Where are you?

Today I am watching a loved one pass from life into eternity. My heartaches as I see the man whom I loved that was once so strong and full of life dwindling away. Wishing I could trade places with him. I would gladly give him my remaining days. He has so many that love him and rely on him.

Death I see you coming...I only wish it was for me.

To most I seem so strong ~ but I cry myself to sleep every night

Last night, after everyone was safely tucked into bed, alone in the quiet darkness, I cried from the overwhelming feelings of what I can only describe as hopelessness.

Not the "oh, that's so sad I could cry" kind of hopelessness...it was open the floodgates the dam has broken SOBBING...tears pouring out of me, nose running, eyes swollen and bloodshot. And once it started it did not stop for hours.  

Today in addition to the swollen and bloodshot eyes I have had a nauseating headache from all the crying last night and I feel drained and empty.  

Today I feel angry for the 6 month old left in an apartment to die.

Today I feel terribly sad for that little girl who did nothing wrong but was beaten and ***** and broken.

Today I feel so much rage for that angry teenager who will not allow her to reach out or feel any sort of comfort.

Today I feel despondent for the girl who has continued to hurt herself and repeat what was done to her because she cannot find another way.

Today I feel rage for the girl who cannot live in her body because it doesn't feel right or safe.

Today I feel sad for the woman who is overwhelmed with feelings of shame and unable to express her feelings because she cannot trust.

Today I feel sorry for the woman who tried to outrun the pain, the memories, the shame because she couldn't.

Today I feel sorrow for the woman who continues to feel tormented by her past to the point of hopelessness....and I feel angry because she can't escape her own prison of fear and she cannot allow anyone else in to help.

I don't feel well tonight...I am freezing cold, my head is throbbing and it continues to make me nauseous.  I am not doing well...and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the unresolved health issues.  I cannot have another night like last night...it was bad.  

I know..wwwaaaahhhh!  Break out the violins!  Get a Grip Girl! Ain't no one going to do it for you, or even co-pilot!