You need to be, to be beautiful
But I can’t
My tears in the dark make me ugly
My insides are rotting
My heart is icing
Like on a cake
But I ate too much
You tell me how I shake the world
And it hurts me
My bones break
My back bends
My muscles hurt
I still keep up with your requests
You want me to be beautiful
But I can’t change how you make me feel

Beautiful cardinal
I have summoned you here
The passion in your fathers
That draw to my remember
Fly to heaven
Bring home the pain
Beautiful cardinal
I wish you could stay

I get high to forget why I lay next to him and sob quietly
I get high so my heart doesn’t feel like it’s falling
I get high to stop the thoughts keeping me up
I get high to forgive myself
I get high to forget myself

I smile for you
For the times you held me close
When you whisper sweet nothings to me
I smile for you
Knowing so many loved you
Knowing who loves you
I smile for you
When I eat my favorite meal
When you tried to re create it
I smile for you
Knowing your heart was full
Knowing you aren’t in pain
I smile for you
When I see that picture
When I hear that song
I cry for you, knowing you’re gone.

I will retaliate with his mouth,
and you will become what you have made
me.
-- you leave me to stagnate;
talking myself in and out of love, I
forget the curvature, and allure of your body,
and the parts of me that fit in it
starve.

-- call it neutrality, abandonment,
or an "inability to live within" yourself -
call it your serotonin's-seppuku, or
the fact you are inconsiderate;

call it out, like you did in your sleep: "I love
you;"
I do not.

Is the suffering adequate?
Cauterize the wound you left
So it doesn't infect my stability
Is the suffering adequate?