What leaving high school feels like to me
I woke up this morning in tears because it is Monday and I should have been getting ready for school
Then I poured my coffee to the top of the cup of course and I cried again because she taught me to pour so much coffee into a cup that you cannot even carry it
Then I sat down and lit a cigarette with tears because I clearly remember our cigarette-coffee sessions
Then I looked at my phone and it was 9:30 AM and I cried again because at that time we used to sit in the school hall watching people walk around
Then I opened messenger and I saw my texts with him and I remembered how we used to text everyday for the past couple of weeks I knew exactly what he was doing and where he was so I cried again because it never will be like that again
Then I turned on Spotify and the songs that he sent me started playing
Then I remebered last week and how we all were still together, partying, talking, having fun and I cried again

Children were running around
and she was sitting across
studying biology
So close but yet so far
With a cigarette in my right hand
I was reading cheap poetry
and thinking about life
Thinking 'bout our differences
How even thought we told each other everything
She still couldn't comprehend
the emptiness in my soul.

Love is in the air.
I guess I can't breathe.  
Or be inhaled?
I've been watching couples,
with my eyes closed.
Jealous.
My heart is desperate for love.
And yet I'm sitting here alone,
waiting for a text message.

I always ask myself this question.
Why can’t I be happy?

People say that happiness is a choice.
I choose to be happy.
I f*cking choose to be happy!

I guess it doesn’t work like that.
Well, people say a lot of things.

They say that I am in my best years.
If this is best then I don’t even wanna know what comes next.

I am angry with myself
for not being able to enjoy this **** of a life.

My my, I never would have imagined this.
That someone could **** so much at living.

Do you ever feel so messy that you can’t even write about it?
Does your heart ever feel so full of emotions that you are not able to concentrate on anything else?
Does your head ever feel like it is going to explode from all the thoughts?
Do you ever want to talk to a person so badly and they are just not there for you?
Does it make you wanna scream?

Yesterday
I was too much
Too loud
Too crazy
Too loving
Too confident
Too open
Too happy
You didn’t like it
So today
I am nothing at all

My life is all about
Wanting to be heard
But not saying a ****

Sometimes when I wake up
I am screaming inside
I am screaming because
I can clearly remember my dream
And the dream wasn't perfect
But it was more
Than my life
And I want to scream
And I am fighting tears
And I want to stop existing

You said
That I can tell you anything
You said
That you are always there for me
Well it doesn’t seem like that

The other day
I told you a tiny snippet
Only a little drop in the sea
About my anxieties
About my irrational fears
I wanted to tell you for so long

But I am never going to do it again
Because the face you made when I voiced my feelings
That hurt

Your expression said that I don’t make sense
That I am crazy
That that’s totally ridiculous
That I am making it up

I mean, I can tell you the basic stuff
The everyday problems
But not about my mind
Not about my real reasons to cry
You said you want to hear
But you actually don’t

You know
it would be fine
If I had anyone else
to talk to
But you are aware that I don’t
And you make me think
that no one will ever want to listen.

I've been struggling
For so long
I've been feeling down
Like there was no hope

I haven't been able to sleep tonight
My mind has been so full
Full of thoughts
But this time
After such a long while
They are nice

I had a moment of realization
When I knew I had to write
No matter how bad this poem would turn out
I needed to share
Share that after months of sadness
Today I've had a sudden appearance of happiness

The thing
That I've been wondering about
Is why I am so different
Different when with different people

One day I can be this nice girl
So thoughtful
So loving
So introverted

The other day I cannot recognize myself
I am everything that the nice girl from yesterday despises

So the question is
Who am I?

I felt all that strenght, all the power
Yesterday
Today I feel lonely
Again
I thought I could swim all the oceans
I was ready to do all the needed
To change my life
To change myself
I don’t feel like that anymore

You see, I am brave
I am brave
When the only thing that can be done is thinking
But not with taking action
I am coward
Loser
Nobody
Incapable

I’ve tried fighting
But everyday I feel weaker
Sadder
More alone
Will it stop?
Well, I am the only one who can stop it
And I will
One day
And until then
Loneliness is the only friend

There is this time of a day
Which I am most attracted to
Which I love
Which I enjoy like no other

It’s not the morning
Even though the rising sun is splendid
And the early chilly breeze is the freshest

Not the noon
When the sun is shining the most brightly
And all life is outside and thriving

And not the evening
No, there is something more powerful
Even than the lovely orange-pink sky

It’s the night
When you can fully open your windows
When it is all dark
Expect for the stars
When you are alone with your thoughts
When you can put all the weight from you shoulders down
Be your true self
Throw the masks away
Rest
And enjoy the silence
The night is the time when I feel truly happy

I’ve been drinking last night
I am not proud
It didn’t end up well

But
After such a long time
I felt like I belong
Somewhere
I could talk
And I did
I kissed, I laughed
And today I don’t remeber much

I’ve asked myself many times
Why do I do this?
Drink until I can’t control myself
For such a long time
I haven’t known the answer

But I know it now

Well, it is easy
To lose yourself to alcohol
To forget everything
Especially who you are
To become someone else
And I like it

I like to be that loud girl
Who does what she wants
Who doesn’t care about opinions
Who kisses whoever she likes
I do like that

I LOVE being wild
´Cause that’s the exact opposite of my true self
That’s why I drink

I know a person
The person is weird
I never know where I stand with him
At 8 o´clock he acts like he is above everything
At 9 he is super funny
At 10 angry with me, don’t even know why
At 11 he acts like I am nobody
At 12 he wants to talk
At 1 PM he is really nice
At 2PM he hurries somewhere, doesn’t have time
But at night
He is someone else
True self? I ask
He seems like he gets it
Gets me
We text, I feel instantly better
Maybe he is the friend?
Could he be the friend?
But then he doesn’t text back