I feel so sick when I think of her.
A sickly sweet illness fills my veins
And this creature inside of me feeds on herself
Turning
Turning
Turning herself inside out
Trying to reach out
Trying to get away.

Not knowing
What you want
Who you are
Who inhabits your body
Is a terrible
Sickening thing.

This creature living within me
Growing as I grow
Screaming as she pleases
Is so loud sometimes
"Drink drink drink up silly girl. What's it matter silly girl. Nothing changes silly girl. All the same all the same drinkdrinkdrink."
Sickly sweet as she tugs at me
Pulls my heart down to my feet
Crushing it with
Every
Passing
Glance
"Thinking of you they're thinking of you bad bad things they're thinking of you"

Sickly sweet as she pulls my puppet strings down down down
Hands in pockets
Eyes into sockets
Head down
Shoulders down
Feeling down
downdowndown.

She throws me to the floor in tears
And tosses me on the bed in repentance.
"So sorry silly girl so pathetic so pathetic"

I can't leave her.
I can't get away.
This woman inside of me
Sickly sweet.

I can't do this anymore.
What kind of life is this?

I'm a secret.
A ***** disgusting
Pointless secret.

Who cares if I whisper this mess
In their ear.
To cup my hands 'round the side of their face
And expose myself to them.

No one wants to hear about the hamster wheel spinning round and round in my head.
The tap tap tap of anxious could be's and angry could have been's.
Disappointment chain smokes out my arteries and throws the simmering cigarette butts into the pit of my stomach.
Hoping to start a flame.
To burn me up.
Inside out.

That's not a pretty story.
Not a fairy tale.
People want happy poems or depressing fables.
Ones that they don't have to look in the eyes afterward.

I have no interest in sharing doubts that gnaw away at my fingertips or the fears that grind my teeth.

Everything is fine
Is fine
Just
Like
This.
Just leave it.
Leave it alone.

It will go away
Or it will **** me yet.

So I'm supposed to
Discover
Who I am
What I want
What I am to be.

Where to begin
Discovering the deepest darkest secrets
The wants and the desires
Of this person I have grown to desest.

You
*******
left me.

Silence.

Envelopes me as I
drift off
into

Disassociation.