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Marissa Feb 2019
a word never described it so perfectly
it functions good enough
but wear and tear over time
has taken away the shine
like scrap parts sold for cars
once it was beautiful and whole
but it sits on its own
and even if it does find another home
or something to complete
it will still stand out
like mismatched socks
when they look at him they see character
every dent tells a story
of tough times and how they only made him stronger
but in her they see something wrong
a machine broken beyond repair
if she could she would smash her entire being and watch the pieces shatter
because at least something obliviated
doesn’t have a false sense of hope
blindly dragging it along
wondering if one day things can be repaired and the damage be undone
we don’t know when along the way it happened but it did
and it has altered everything about her
from the way she smiles to the way she sees the world
i wish i could show her how to re-wire her brain so her thoughts can be reset
and the pieces can rearrange until they feel like they are where they’re supposed to be
but she is damaged
i am damaged
a word has never described me so perfectly
Marissa Jan 2019
alone on the floor again
with a razor as my only friend
tracing the outlines of the veins on my arm
like a child’s coloring book
trying to find a calm deep within

my body becomes a canvas
covered in blue, purple, red
a symphony of shades
like a rainbow for the depressed mind

but it is morbid, an inhumane sight
so I have to keep them hidden away
behind barriers of bracelets
and constricting long sleeves
even in the blistering heat

they will never understand how it feels
on the outside it’s destructive and ugly
a permanent reminder of the pain
but the chemical rush is a relief
that no amount of opioids could match
so it’s a good high to chase
and a harder habit to kick

dont ******* believe it’s beautiful
like a classical masterpiece or
a heart-wrenching ballad
because if you saw me behind that door
shivering, naked and lifeless
you would not call it a work of art
but a tragedy

it is an addiction like any other
in all of its ugly glory
and it will push people away
and make their stomachs turn
and you’ll be alone
on the floor
currently 9 months clean of self harm, but it will forever be a part of my body
Marissa Jan 2019
i feel it in my chest
with every breath feeling heavier than the last, like someone is playing jenga
with concrete stones on my body

my eyes burn
the same type of pain that comes from gripping a hot pan
or pouring acid on your face

i sit atop my bed, restlessly scratching
my arms or my heels
dissecting the layers of my skin
trying to feel something
or for a sign that I’m still alive

then the thoughts come creeping in
about how my body is disgusting
and i should never eat again
and how i’m just not smart enough
and no matter how much stress I put into my work
it will never be enough

even my meds know that I’m not enough
because even the proper dose
can’t help me
Marissa Jan 2019
there’s something about the darkness
the way it drowns out color
becoming nothingness

there’s something seductive about her darkness
the way her eyes draw you in
you crave the touch of her skin
like a cigarette
does she like me or does she want to break my heart?
she’ll keep you guessing

there was something about his darkness
she was drawn to him because he was the only one
who understood why she rejected the world
and why she liked the cold so much
he made her feel alive
he was the first one who saw her for who she was and adored it
beautiful, mysterious, everything

there was something about the darkness
the way it leaves you all alone
the maddening silence
the empty void
is all you are left with

she was attracted to the darkness
but he was the darkness
Marissa Jan 2019
i wish it was easier to understand
how some days i can be full of energy
warm, joyous, laughing
when the next day i can be lifeless
laying in my bed wishing it was my coffin
cold, miserable, crying

sometimes i feel powerful
like i could run for miles
or fight my way to the top
sometimes i feel defenseless
like i can only ***** up
and i give up fighting at all

some days my depression takes control
and it changes who i am
it alters my personality
drains me of my energy
and weighs me down

some days it feels like nobody could ever love me
like hot-and-cold mood swings
nobody knows if i’ll give in and cancel plans
or not call them back
if only i could find the energy or the confidence to not be ashamed of myself

i have to remember that i am who i am on my good days
and that true friends will stick around
but how much can i ask of them?
how many times will it take until they too give up?

how long until i give in
for good?
Marissa Jan 2019
swaying to the rhythm of the bass
I dance the cup back up to my lips again
I close my eyes and knock the rest of the drink back
feeling the familiar burn
I smile
letting the substance run into my bloodstream
again and again and again
each round makes the world a bit brighter
the music sound better
my body more numb
my feelings more happy
so I drink and I drink
until I’m on my back
and the world is spinning
my mind is empty
free from any thought
I am at peace
floating, like a ghost
just trying to get through the night
trying to regain control
Marissa Jan 2019
you feel it happening again
the shaky legs
driving you insane
the sweaty hands
ruining your plans
the racing heart
making you want to dart
are they watching me?
what do they see?
I feel their eyes all over me
is this a nervous breakdown?
i really need to come down
get it together
you say in your head
but the voices don’t let you forget
you’re better off dead
stop it, stop it, go away
do not come back another day
it’s just chemicals in my brain
but all I can feel is pain
anxiety is not beautiful
it certainly does not make me strong
I just want to be normal and feel like I belong
panic attacks are not cute
and I cannot “just calm down”
it is a disorder and debilitating
it makes it really hard to breathe
average tasks become mountains
it’s not simply all in my head
it feels like I’m about to drown
but with patience and persistence
i will never back down
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