When I was in an abusive relationship, I told myself I deserved it. I told myself I should be more obedient, as if I was a dog. My leash was held so tight that I couldn’t muster any words out even if I wanted to.
When I was in an abusive relationship, I soaked in every insult and only ever released apologies.
When I was in an abusive relationship, some days I flinched when he raised his hand or began to speak and other days I just sat there waiting for it. When my mom would ask about the bruises I would be surprised because I didn’t know my body was still reacting to it when my mind wasn’t.
When I was in an abusive relationship, tying nooses was a nightly thing and nothing to even be alarmed about, blood stained sheets were the norm, and suicide notes were just normal letters.
When I was in an abusive relationship, I took many different kinds of drugs throughout the day and didn’t really know which combination would **** me. Would the coke, Xanax, and alcohol **** me? Or would it be the alcohol, ******, and oxy?
When I was in an abusive relationship, all concern for myself vanished. As my addictions to many different pills such as Xanax, ******, Hydro, Oxy and many more grew, I started to smile again.
When I was in an abusive relationship, being asked how many drugs I was on was not rude or unexpected.
When I was in an abusive relationship, leaving permanently just didn’t seem like an option.
When I was in an abusive relationship, I had unconditional love for my attacker and always made sure he was okay even after he hit me.
When I was in an abusive relationship, one day, I had a revelation and found my voice.
Now, I am no longer in an abusive relationship.

I once fell in love with a boy who smelled of stale cigarettes, liquor, and burning desperation.
The first secret he ever revealed to me was that all he knew was being alone and running from everything in this world. At the time, I told him I’d be his rest stop and didn’t realize that he’d eventually have to start running again.
I once fell in love with a boy who had suicidal tendencies and often never slept.
With tired eyes, he would tell me he just wanted it to stop and would cry to me for hours.
I once fell in love with a boy I'd do anything for regardless of the consequences.
I once fell in love with a boy who had no family.
Many days, he would call me in the middle of the night and tell me how much he cherished me and how much I made up for his lost family.
I once fell in love with a boy who was desperate for love, but couldn’t give it because he was at war with himself.
All his empty “I love you’s” were believable, but I wasn’t properly trained to fight his demons or to take down the walls he built up so high inside of himself. The weapons I tried to provide were too outdated and did nothing.
I once fell in love with a boy who hated his mother.
His hate for her was often reflected back onto me, and I spent many nights crying.
I once fell in love with a boy who would tell me the sweetest things, and be able to turn around and leave me black and blue.
I once fell in love with a boy who sold drugs.
I worried about his safety, but he very often assured me nothing would happen and would kiss me then thank me for caring.
I once fell in love with a boy who was terrified of being a failure and was driven by money.
Many days, I would go ignored or mistreated and he would apologize to me by buying me opulent gifts that didn’t really make up for the small heartbreaks I endured.
I once fell in love with a boy who did not care about me, and didn't even check to see if I was okay when my heart broke.
I once fell in love with a boy who knew he was destined to run away and break my heart.
The first secret he ever revealed to me was that all he knew was being alone and running from everything in this world.
At the time, I told him I’d be his rest stop and didn’t realize that he’d eventually have to start running again.
When he was finally strong enough to start running again, I wasn’t really prepared for it because in the months I'd spent with him, I'd grown selfish and wanted him by my side forever.
I thought he’d stop and rest forever because it's far easier to stop and do nothing, but I had forgotten who he was and forgot that I had been helping him train so he could run towards something better instead of running away from his past.
I once fell in love with a boy who ran off with the best parts of me.

During my manic episodes, you found me fun, fervent, even amazing. You told me that you wouldn’t trade my love for anything.
You told me that I made the butterflies dance in your stomach,
and made the demons disappear in your head.
With every “I love you,” there was a smirk and a kiss.
You told me that I was one of a kind
and you’d be there for me no matter what because you couldn’t imagine living without me.
After my first bad episode, you started telling me that my love was overbearing and you needed space.
You told me that you felt suffocated and I was like a child craving attention from their mother. You told me I was too repetitive and you just wanted to go get high.
Every time I said “I love you” you looked at me, shrugged, and said “me too.”
I asked you what happened to “forever” and you said only sane girls keep their prince.
You acted as if I got to pick and choose what disorder I wanted. As if being bipolar was a luxury I wasn’t taking advantage of.
When you got sent to a mental institution for attempting suicide, I searched for you for six hours until your mom told me where you were.
After you returned,
I helped you find yourself again and lost myself in the process.
I sacrificed everything for your well-being,
and you had no interest in mine.
You made me believe that being bipolar made you a terrible person, but then I looked at you with tearful eyes,
and got a peek at what terrible really is.
Thanks to you, I know who I am.

Falling in love with someone who is bipolar will never be easy.
There will be minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months where I'm unexplainably mean, or recklessly happy.  
For a period of time, I may be all over you and want to smother you in my aforementioned reckless happiness, that I will forget to ask how you're doing and if you ate anything today. I will forget that unlike me, you need to sleep for 9 hours a day and that you're not fully ready to take on the world.
At some point, I will take a turn for the worst and will mope in unbelievable sorrow due to the death of my false happiness.
I will cry about everything and will stop calling, and forget to remind you that I love you so much and just need some time away.
My deep sadness will soon turn into unrelenting anger and I will tell you abusive things that I don't really mean.
I will be confused as to why I say them, and apologize a million times and try to explain that I can't control my anger, and that I need to leave and be away from people for a while, although I know nothing will really help.
You will insist that it's okay and tell me you love me.
For days, weeks, or months, I will do this, and you will soon think I am lying and think that I am just genuinely terrible.
My constant apologies will become nothing and you will soon distance yourself and start falling out of love, but still have a glimmer of hope.
After this episode, I will have a period where I feel nothing and am almost robot-like. You will feel unwanted and unloved and look at me with such sad eyes and get nothing but a shrug and a half-assed "sorry."
When you finally walk away,  I will have more bad days than good days because I will regret not saying I love you more.
I will hate myself for being bipolar. I will fall back into my bad habits and soon you will be a distant memory.

Today, you texted me and told me you had *** last night. Like the many times before, I brushed it off and said, "good job."
Today, you texted me and tried to break my heart again and make me feel exactly how you did. It didn't work though because my heart broke long ago when you told me about when you cheated on me, and since then, it's been an empty cavity.
Today, when you couldn't break my heart by speaking so fervently of the new girl who was now the apple of your eye, you tried to butcher my self confidence. What you didn't realize was, I've grown callous since we last spoke, and the confidence was never really there anyway.
Today, you texted me and tried to hide all your visible pain behind "I hate you's" and " I never loved you's."
Today, you thought you'd crush all my happiness, but didn't realize that I used all my happiness weeks ago to lace your marijuana beccause you smiled more at a joint then you ever did at me.
Today, you tried to **** me a bit more than usual and got angry when your words didn't seep into my skin and poison me.
Today, I did not cry over you when the words "I love her" popped up on my screen.
Today, I admitted I'm still in love with you.
But today, I also stopped caring about you.