You have no idea how many times I told myself that it’s not you. For years I have been pushing back these thoughts to the back of my head, locking them up and making sure they won’t ever, ever come back to haunt me. But they do, every single day because everything I see reminds me of how you look like and how you used to be. I used to hate strangers with the same haircuts as you. Most jokes and puns fail to amuse me now because I only find them funny when you’re the one telling them. I hated some words and refuse to use them whenever I write because you say them frequently. I’m afraid to sound like you. I am always scared of writing about how awful I feel because they’re mostly your fault. I used to hide behind my words, my metaphors and similes just so you won’t ever find out that all I ever wrote were letters to you that I never sent. Writing addresses as sloppily as I could and hoping whoever gets these letters also gets how I feel and sympathize with me. So far, no one ever replied. Like you, maybe they don’t care as much as I do. I’m always the one who cares the most. Always.

I feel even worse whenever you call me and I hear that extra breath you do after you say you missed me. For some reason, it tells me that you mean it. I never knew how to respond to that because I don’t know how to say I miss you more and it’s killing me every day. I sometimes wish you’d stop saying those words no matter how much I crave them because I never wanted to be that pathetic person who’s forever waiting on the other line, getting excited by every word you say. But I am. I wish you were a liar. I wish you’d stop calling me. I don’t want to hear your voice anymore but I don’t want to forget how you sound like when you say my name.

I don’t know if you noticed how I always put my arms in front of me whenever you want a hug as if I’m defending myself from you. The worst part is, you hug me anyway even though I never hug you back. I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t want to hug you back, believe me I do, very ******* much. You don’t know how much I regret not hugging you back. I’m just really terrified that I might not let you go. I don’t want to be a thief. I have enough reasons to be disappointed at myself already.  

Sometimes I feel like we’re galaxies apart.  You, a big blue star in the heart of the universe and I, a black hole, exterminating everything in my path on my way to you. Midway, I stopped and I realized that if I get closer to you, I might destroy you as all the other stars I passed by. So here I am, staying away from you as far as I can, watching you from afar so I won’t ever touch the masterpiece that you are even though that’s all I ever wanted to do ever since we met. I watch you shine from a distance as I starve myself from the warmth of your light. I remain in the darkness, quietly counting the light years between us.

Before you **** yourself, can you do me a little favor?
If it’s not too much to ask, if you have a little time,
If you’re not in a hurry, Please listen to me
Don’t worry; I’m not here to guilt trip you
I know you’re pretty much decided
So please, let me stall you for a minute or two
You know, some people **** themselves right away
Some people wait for signs
Some people change their hairstyles, their clothes
To send a silent SOS to anyone who would notice
Because it’s not easy to ask for ‘Help’
When you know they’re just going to say
‘Get over it’, ‘don’t be so sad’, and “It’s going to be okay”
When you know they’re just saying that because they don’t know what else to say
I’m not here to do that either
I’m not here to tell you that your problems
Are meaningless compared to what kids in Africa are going through right now
I’m not here tell you stories of people with cancer fighting for their lives
When you just want to end yours
I am here to tell you that your problems are valid
Your struggles are real, your fight is real
You are real and you exist
You take up space

Before you **** yourself, I want you to know
That whatever you decide to do,
You’re not a coward in my eyes
But a soldier who simply didn’t want to fight
With all the warlords inside your head
And you’re the only one who desires peace
A cease fire  
You don’t want to fight
Because you know in the end
They will win and they will devour you
You are a prisoner of your own world war
And no one is ever coming to free your chains
No amount of happiness disguised as little pills in a bottle
No weeks of sessions with a doctor who don’t even look at you when you talk
No amount of inspirational posters or celebrity ******* that says ‘It will get better’
I know you think nothing will ever change the fact that you are losing  
But the thing is, it’s not a fact
Those are just your opinions
And as far as opinions go, they can be changed
They can change
Like the person who owns them

Before you **** yourself, I want you stop worrying about hell
It may or may not exist, depending on what you believe in
And if you believe that hell is for people who **** themselves
Then why bother going there, when you can have all the hell you want, right here, right now.
At least this hell has internet and pizza and ice cream.
That doesn’t sound appealing enough but
You get the point

Before you **** yourself, do you know how many people on your Facebook page
will ransack your wall and post things like: ‘I will miss you.”, ‘Rest In Peace”, “I wish we could’ve hanged out more”
and other lovely words that they didn’t bother to say to you while you’re still around
Do you really want strangers to put hearts and kisses on your wall when they have spent their entire lives ignoring you?
Do you want your Facebook page to be infested with people who wants to scream to the world how much they sort of grieve you but didn’t show
how much they love you?
Do you really want them to use your death to make them seem like they cared?
I say, do not give them that satisfaction.

Before you **** yourself have you ever considered how much a funeral costs?
Why, it’s the second multi-million business next to weddings!
Let’s say your coffin will cost your family 50,000 Php
Your wake and all the other things will cost about 80,000 Php
That’s a total 130,000 Php that you could’ve just spent travelling the country
And escaping your personal hell for a while rather than spending it on your death
Burying you to the ground or burning you to ashes
Corpses and ashes don’t get to surf the waves
Or feel the wind on their faces
Or feel that moment of accomplishment when they finally reach a mountain’s summit
Would you rather rot and get eaten by worms
Than soak your feet beneath the blue seas,
and watch the sun paint the sky, bursting into colors as it sets?


Before you **** yourself, I want you to imagine the 11-year-old you
Put them in your position and ask them
“What are you going to do?”
I know, it sounds ridiculous I mean, what’s a kid’s solution to a very adult problem?
But think about this, if that 11 year old survived through your current age right now,
Maybe you can survive for a few years more
Sometimes, adults tend to make things seems complicated when they’re not
Because adults are forced to think to just accept THIS reality
This reality built on taxes, corruption, politics and twisted definitions of responsibility stitched into every fiber of our adult skin
Adults are taught to ‘**** it up’ because we no longer have the excuse of youth
We are told to go with flow
To drown ourselves in status quo
Because it is proper;
Not because it’s right
It is not your fault you’re wired this way
But just because your wires are tangled and the knots are hard to undo
Does not mean you can’t

Before you **** yourself, I want you think about
The creation of the universe
I want you think about the Big Bang Theory
Or the Genesis chapter in the Bible
Or the theory that we came from Aliens
I don’t care which of these you believe in
They are just saying one thing:
It took time to create you  
Billions of atoms and neurons and electrons collided
To form you  
You are not some walking flesh and blood  
With no purpose
You’re here for something
For someone
Maybe not now
But someday
Someday, someone’s eyes will light up
Seeing you coming their way
Arms opening up, welcoming you to a warm embrace
Someone will smile because they thought of something funny
that you said and they wouldn’t care if people catch them smiling in public like some kind of nutcase
Someone will see your scars as proof of your survival
A tiger who earned its stripes

But only if you live to see it.
Only if you live to see it.

Before you **** yourself, I want you to know that there are people out there
Who genuinely care about you
of course it’s hard for you to see that
Because you don’t always see it when they show it
Probably because they show it too often
Sometimes caring is in the way a person says ‘hello’
Love is in the way they say ‘text me when you get home’
It’s when people say good night or have a nice day
It’s the little things that actually count
You just have to look out for them

Before you **** yourself, please try to realize that your problems are temporary
Do not give it a permanent solution
The world is a cycle, it revolves, and it changes.
Maybe not right away, maybe not this second when you need it the most to change
But give it time.
Give yourself some time,
But most of all, give yourself a chance.

Before you **** yourself,

don’t.


-L.C.