I hide my tears
to wipe away yours.
I cry alone,
so your pain cures.

To hold my pain,
and bleed so much more.
Is for your happiness,
to heal your core.

You say such words
to create a divide.
Without the knowledge
of the fear inside.

Words like a blade
slicing me gently.
Eyes staring coldly,
unblinking and intently.

Say what you will
about my care and love.
Know you are wrong,
your ego is high above.

So you can fly away,
leave me here to die.
Understand this heartbreak
can't be fixed by your lie.

My love is still here,
but the trust is forever gone.
Blown away by your swords,
my blood drained and drawn.

**** me now
Just let me go
I can't turn back
Or makes things right
I ****** up
I'm terribly sorry
Just leave me be
Let me die
So you can be happy
Let me suffer
To save you
I'd rather be dead
Than let you hurt
So long as I'm here
Your life will deplete

My friends around me are all deeply in love.
They tell me nothing but their happiness.
I see them cling to one another,
Bathing in their passion and affections.
I just sit here with a heavy chest,
Holding in the tears.
Trying not to show my jealousy,
The agonizing pain inside.
The loneliness feels heavier when they speak.
It's like a blade going in from the top of my head,
And destroying every obstacle in it's way.
Forcing down to my feet until I can no longer move.
I laugh with these couples and listen to their love.
But once they've disappeared,
I curl up inside this disgusting skin and scream my lungs out.
Scream away the pain.
Scream until the realization hits.
Until it sinks in and slowly decays the rest of my being.
The painful fact that tears this heart up.
That I will never be more than your best friend's little sister.

Anxiety is not beautiful-
Nor is it cute.

Shyness is not adorable-
Nor is it sweet.

These traits are often mis-defined.
Media and society contorting their meaning.

Anxiety is the feeling of a child;
Left alone in a dark, mysterious forest.
The shadows of the trees crushing your chest,
Reaching inside to suffocate your heart.

You try to stay calm on the outside;
To not startle or worry others.
Afraid of what they'll think, or say.
So your insides become a tornado;
Swallowing up the last of your oxygen.

You feel as if you could die.
Left to suffer with no one to help.
When you feel you've found someone who relates,
They turn around and destroy your last being.
They take your sliver of hope for happiness,
And toss it into the darkest depths.

Sinking slowly until the darkness engulfs you whole.
Clutching your heart,
Trying to beat-
Trying to live with the pressure of death.

You gasp your last breath,
Then begin to realize you weren't meant to live.
You were a defect that was meant to be destroyed.
Until that person comes back and pulls you free.
Only to have them through you back.
Back into that abyss where you belong.
So they can watch you suffer and laugh.

Why would they do this?
You thought they were like you.
But you've only learned that no one is like you.
No one feels your pain.
And you will always be left to fight alone.

Anxiety is terrifying-
It's a murderer trapped inside.

Shyness is disgusting-
It's suffocating in a plastic bag.

These things are living hell.
A hell that cannot be understood.

Your words are lies,
I can't see through.
My eyes they dry,
Where tears once grew.

A lotus on my cheek,
Blossoms from salt water.
Knowing you'll start a leak,
With words that slaughter.

The flower of loneliness
To show the loss.
Hope turned weakness,
And you are the cause.

I killed my butterfly.
Pure and sweet.
Her wings no tattered;
Heart can't beat.

She once flew proudly,
Way up high.
She now withers in shame;
Looking at the sky.

She remembers this pain
From long ago.
She thought it was gone,
Buried deep below.

But it rose to the surface
to disrupt life.
Creates stinging, ****** marks,
A rusty box knife.

Deep breathes, a sigh;
Releasing her pain.
Another one is needed,
To keep her sane.

Once beautiful and kind,
Now ready to decay.
Her essence defaced.
I killed her today.

Today I had anxiety.
I tried to hide it away,
But you caught on quickly.
You allowed me to cry on you.
I rarely ask for help.
I'm sorry.

Today my dad had a seizure.
I didn't tell you about it.
I just wallowed alone.
You were having a good day.
I didn't want to ruin it.
You thought I was mad.
I'm sorry.

Today I acted strange.
I woke up feeling sad.
You couldn't cheer me up.
You thought you did something.
I sliced myself this morning.
I became ashamed and couldn't see you.
I'm sorry.

Today was a tornado of pain.
My grandpa is dying.
My grandma is getting better.
My dad is dying.
My brother is stuck and is suicidal.
His words were,
"You'll find my body hanging in that room".
I'm sorry.

I started at my box cutter.
Contemplating death.
Thinking of slicing my skin.
Bleeding out the pain and letting go.
Then he started crying.
I texted you.
I'm so sorry.
I regret it.

I told you my thoughts.
I cried my heart out.
You did your best to comfort me.
But then that time came.
You did what I knew you would.
"He" came home, so you gave up.
I couldn't reach you.
I was left alone.
I cried in the dark.
I'm sorry.

That scarf you gave me,
Would make a good noose.
I no longer exist or matter when he's around.
I'm another person with another problem.
I'm another burden just like I thought.
I'm just ruining your happiness.
That's what I do.
That's why I can't have a good friendship.
I can't be a good friend.
I can only destroy you.
I'm sorry.

You're all I have.
I'm sorry.

You say you care,
But you aren't here.
You say you love me,
Yet you hurt me.
You say I matter,
But obviously not to you.

When you cry,
I'm right there for you.
When you break down,
I hold you close.
When you feel lost,
I talk with you for hours.

Now I'm crying,
And you don't care.
I'm losing my grip to life,
But you're happy as can be.
I'm lost with no where to turn,
While you adore him.

I don't want you to leave him.
And I'm not jealous.
But if you don't care for me,
Stop using me as your puppet.
If you really do care...
Then just one call...
Just one message...
You're the only one I trust.

Our flowers bloomed together,
White and beautiful.
We were sincere to one another,
Trusting and innocent.
I fell for your embrace,
Like a child to a mother.
Trusting you faster than anyone before.
You became my sister,
In a blink of an eye.

But then things changed.
And my flower withered away.
My morals were lost,
And I should've passed on.
But I continued without them.
A huge mistake.
The sorrow destroyed me.
The petals falling apart.

Your rose blossoms even large,
The color fading to red.
Your blinding love leading you,
Leading you to where you don't belong.
Back to that darkness you always knew.
I can see the path you're heading to,
But you cannot.
I want t tell you, you're being manipulated.
You're being used.
But it will only you drive you away, more.

So I'll sit here and endure the pain.
Drinking nothing but salt water.
I'll watch for your tears,
Wait for you to fall.
And I'll be right there to catch you,
To push you back onto your feet once more.
Anything to see you happy.
I will suffer through the sorrow.

I'm not sure what you really feel.
But I hope you know that I mean it,
When I say that I love you.
And you will always be a sister in my eyes.
Even if you're no longer by my side.
Your rose is always white to me.

People are like chocolate.
We're all essentially the same but we have some differences.
Some are dark chocolate, white chocolate, or milk chocolate;
And no I don't mean your skin.
Some may have peanuts, caramel, cherries, or peanut butter inside.
We all have different experiences, thoughts, ideas, and personalities.
We all share most of the same ingredients and feelings,
But understanding something you've never experienced is always hard for humans.

Many people suffer from the addiction of adrenaline,
Those who love that fire that erupts from their skin when punctured.
This is one of the hardest experiences for others to understand.
The chocolate is a symbol of our sweetness - our happiness.

Those who are free come in lovely boxes with pretty designs.
They're decorated and packaged gently in a little bed.
But others, come wrapped in sharp and painful foil.
The foil represents our pain, depression, anxiety;
Anything that could lead to those ugly lacerations.

We hit ourselves, split skin, and burn ourselves to **** away the sorrow.
We cauterize the outer layer that engulfs ourselves to reveal our happiness.
But that happiness only lasts for a little while.
When a wrapper comes off a bit, you find a way to cover the whole.
And our melancholic shields cover that bit of joy up.

What some may not realize is that depression really is like wrapped chocolate.
If you try to slice the wrapping off, you will cut the treat.
If you burn the wrapper, the sweetness will melt away.
If you hit the foil, you've destroyed the beauty inside.

This is what happens to us when we give in to our despair.
We think it's helping.
But all it's doing is killing the beautiful person inside, who we are.
Destroying our outer skin pulls us deeper into a coma like state.
Where we're forced to drown in our mental wounds while painting pictures on our skin.

All you need to do is reach out a hand.
It might take a while for someone to notice you.
But someday, someone will reach back and intertwine their fingers with yours.
You just have to be willing to not put your hand down.

Find something that will keep you going.
Your pet whom you love.
A younger sibling or nephew or niece who look up to you.
A passion or dream you want to chase after.
The best thing to do in your darkest hour, is to look ahead and find something worth seeing.
Whether it's something so simple as having your favorite food on the weekend.
Or something as big as saving the world.

You don't need to do any of this on your own.
Just like with different chocolates; not everyone will like you.
But you will always have people close to you who love you.
And they are all that matter.

So don't damage yourself.
Don't try to peel the sadness off with a knife or fire.
Find that someone or something that makes you happy.
And the sorrow ridden foil will fall off all on it's own.
Or that someone will pull it off for you.

It will be okay. I promise.