There are rules for you.
You don't make stupid decisions.
You don't take naps.
You don't lie.

Almost is such a ****** word.
I hate it almost as much as I want to hate you,
But we both know that I can't.

You almost made me feel something.
When you held me in your bed,
Arms wrapped tight like you were scared of drowning
And your heart almost beat for mine
The center of my chest was still stone.
And when you held me in that cold disgusting room
Whispering that it was okay for me to be weak
I smiled, a terrible, painful thing to witness
And I almost believed you.

You almost made me trust you.
With your strong, capable hands gripping my jaw
Forcing me to face you, to accept what you were saying
And ******* it, I wanted to!
I wanted to follow for once, I wanted to dance backwards in heels
I wanted it more for myself than for you,
And you ripped it from my hands
And reminded me of who I truly am.

You almost made me love you.
You sat there, in my car
You held my ear to your heart as I stammered and you told me I was yours, and you were mine, you were mine, and you lied! It doesn't matter if it's true, if I'm not allowed to have you, then why give me your heart? I'm so angry and hurt and confused and I'm burning up in a wildfire of rage that the ocean couldn't tame and ******* It! You lied. You broke the rules and we are both suffering the consequences and I'm ******* furious! I was willing to breach the steel caging of my heart for you and I moved too soon and I've ruined everything and you lied.

You don't make stupid decisions.
You don't take naps.
But you do lie.

And so did I.
Beneath my eager smiles and delicate wrists and love bites and every inch of me your favorite color, I am a void, I am cold fire, I am stone.

You almost made me whole.

Almost.

The muscles in my face
Can they atrophy from lack of use?
It seems that my heart has
Not strong enough to feel
Only to produce a beat.

For the first time in years
I long for my own bed
Don't touch me.
Don't look at me.
It costs too much.

The void left inside
It's taken too much of me
I've crumbled away
And the tide leaves no trace.

I am numb.
I use my writing as a journal of sorts
To catalogue my emotions
At pivotal moments.
But there is nothing to organize.
I suppose
This will be my last entry.
What is the point?

My chest feels like it's been carved out with a spoon. There's nothing left; no beating heart, no churning stomach, no fragile ribs or frantic lungs. Just a void where you used to reside.

And I climbed a mountain to forget you. I picked out the debris from my diaphragm and from my palms as I dragged myself up what used to be communication, and now is just a monument to how ******* crazy people are. My feet slipped on red rocks and even though I was victorious, satisfaction did not fill the crater.

We held our last communion, and I finally felt at peace. But wishing for all the happiness in the world curses someone else with just as much grief. God, do I hate myself for causing him grief.

I thought that I hated myself, but now I know. There was no creature as foul as I, and there is no poison as strong as the one I make for myself. All I wanted was to make someone happy. All I wanted was to feel normal again. It's like you make my cheeks ache with smiles, and all I can do is twist knives in to your heart. You almost had me thinking that I was whole again.

But I know. I know that as toxic as I am to myself, I am just as deadly to everyone else. I will destroy everyone I touch. Why can't I destroy myself first, before I cause anyone else such pain? Am I really so selfish?

I know. I know that you love me. And I'm sorry that you do. I'm sorry for anyone who has been persuaded to love me.

I can string lots of pretty words together. But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

I managed to feel, with your help. There's something residing in that cavern that used to house my heart. A throbbing ache that taints my blood and freezes my bones. It's probably not what you wanted me to feel. But it's almost a comfort. I understand this pain. I understand trapping it inside of me, and shutting you out so that you don't get caught in the fall out.

I know you don't want to be shut out.

But I am selfish.

And this pain is mine alone.

Catalyst for change; a long dormant dream that wills its way into a nonexistent reality

Rend your bonds; with all the strength in your calloused hands that used to mold with mine

Yearning for freedom; from fear, from pain, from the crystalline core that shreds your lungs every time you breathe and scatters diamond dust down your veins

Sinking too fast; **** the natural death that weighs you down and drags you through an ocean of tears

Take your time; the gaping hollow in your chest should not become a magpie’s hovel, filled with a glittering assortment of the finest refuse

Argumentative at best; facing a broken mirror and finding the barrel of a gun

Languish is for the weak; your hands are claws and your teeth are knives. Cut the diamonds from your veins and spill yourself on the world.

I've got a lot on my plate these days.
I glance around, find an empty booth, and slide in.
I hate my job.
The owner, an older Chinese man, smiles and brings water and a menu.
Money is tight, it's always tight.
Mongolian beef today, I think.
I have no passion for life, my dreams just confusing mashups of the past.
Wonton soup like always, the fried strips melting into the broth.
My friends are gone, lost to time and distance and I feel so alone.
The owner brings me a gorgeous looking plate full of food, I thank him.
The love of my life finds more excitement in his computer than in me.
Tender beef, saucy peppers, perfectly steamed rice.
I search books for romance, fiction won't tell your secrets or get jealous.
Half the meal goes in a box for later.
My bed is as cold as my heart, no sleep will deter my exhaustion.
An almond cookie makes the check easier to pay.
Maybe I should be on medication. Maybe I should break up with my boyfriend. Maybe I should cut my hair. Maybe I should stop eating. Maybe I should move back home.
I pay at the counter and thank the man for an excellent meal as always.
I tuck my credit card into my wallet, my feelings into the deepest part of my mind so that I can make it another day without falling apart.
At least I have enough leftovers for dinner.

She isn't beautiful.

She already knew this, but the truth still hurts. 
She faces the wall and her body speaks. 

"It's alright," says her heart, as her shoulders shake with the rhythm of sobs. Her small hands grasp her arms in comfort. An icy, throbbing pain seeps through her limbs and down to her toes; she draws her knees to her chest like a shield, no, like a wall. A wall to keep the fury and the grief and the humiliation inside, from soaking her bed and waking her ignorant lover. 

"I still love you," says her body. Her uneven ******* rise with her shallow gasps, her marred skin warms her frozen soul, her graceless legs protect her and her body loves her, loves her even if he doesnt. Even if he doesn't see her for anything but her faults, her body loves her. It is hers and hers alone and no one else will love her like she loves herself. 

"You're very pretty," says her brain, but it is of no comfort to her, only a reassurance that she will never be desired like a fairy tale princess, never mistaken for an angel. No wars would be fought over her, no dances ever asked of her. No matter the pain or the paint or the tears or the tries. 

She isn't beautiful. 

She already knew this.

Blood is thicker than water
I've heard that one before
And no matter how many times it's proven true
I refuse to remember.

Painful memories gather
I've played this game before
The feeling swells in my chest like a tidal wave
And forces me under.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder
I've lived this pain before
My brain goes fuzzy and the scars mesh and blend in
It's a grateful surrender

This new wound feels so tender
I've staked this claim before
Quick work will keep the mess in my heart together
No time to regret, dear.

Through the watery twister
I've not felt this before
My wandering spirit finds its welcoming niche
Unprotected no longer.

Although the light falters
I was alone before
These treacherous oceans can not drown me out now
I have found shelter.

The room was cold
No traces of warmth
Awake in my bed
I shivered.

There was no night
Only Time so bold
Passing observed and
With vengeance.

There was no fire
Of whispered love
Heat from routine vows
To sooth me.

Only the frost
Of hollow words, filled
With the worst poison
Apathy.

There is no sun
Strong enough to melt
Your ice in my heart
Back to sleep.

That feeling of disappointment
that starts in your brain and leaks down to your chest
knowledge that you have done wrong
pools along your frame and freezes like spring ice:
thin and dangerous and unexpected.
But it squeezes out of your eyes hot and fast and shameful
like how blue blood turns red when it hits air.
Saturated with anxiety, lungs pulling in atmosphere
to try and dry you out
But the ice is seeping into your bones
Down your arms and into your fingertips
so that the world collapses; no, you are trembling.
Realization increases, as does your heart rate
This pain is no longer in your mind, it is physical
it is attaching to your cells, voiding oxygen and
It pours through your veins, absorbed by your muscles
Until to the tips of your toes are frozen
A frost covers your skin in the lightest of ways
You still can't get enough space between your chest
and your heart and your lungs are collapsing and
you can't move or you'll break and
blood is now regret.

My eyes flipped through the list of names
And I saw your's, your picture surfacing in my memory

But my heart did not skip a beat
My cheeks did not brighten with blush
At a thought that I did not remember.

I did not close my eyes and see that room of comfort
Your hand was not on my shoulder
Your face was not mere centimeters from mine
Your existence did not overwhelm me.

I saw your name on that list of long night conversations
But I did not want to speak
I did not even want to look.

Have you been replaced? It is possible.
But are you replaceable? Impossible.
your name is
always before my eyes
always on my lips
always in my mind

but never in my hand.
Never next to mine.
Never next to me.

No matter how many times I
See your name
or write it down
or sing it out loud
or scream it with pleasure
It will never be my name,
And I will never be yours.

Understanding will never be
as comfortable as your bed,
but it will make seeing your name tolerable.

Storm clouds gather around your heart

I try to drive them back with sunshine

but nothing can rescue this man

who has cut the sun from his veins

and filled them with sadness and acid

It must be my fault for being so placid

but this sun can't stop shining

not yet.

this message in a new age bottle

doesn't serve you justice

wish you could still read

wish I could still write

but what use are words when our tongues are cut out?

speaking is not communication.

there's nothing I can do to resolve the situation

but I still want to feel some responsibility

drawing my hand back from your sleeve

cuts my fingers to the cowardly bone

your cologne lingers and brings me tears.

thought of you today, just like always
gave me a headache, so I open a new pack
giving in to that sweet camel menthol
just like I gave you my all

pull from the cigarette
everything that I wanted out of you
every little smile that I hoped to snare
that flash of hands that meant you cared

smoke curls through my mouth, frosting my insides
do you miss me? did you love me?
I'll love you for a thousand years
I loved you for a thousand years

ash blows out the window into nothingness
this buzz in my brain like all of your voices
my heart is numb with minty freshness
I love you, I love you, with God as my witness

I can feel the filter get hot
that last drag always gets to me
Can't say the words that are burning my lungs
Drowning before I took the plunge

Throw out the rest of this cancer stick
I really hate this addicting hassle
I guess it's okay if I only have a few
It'll take a lot more to get over you.

It happens quickly.

I'll be rushing down the highway, my mind in a thousand different places, and it happens.

I could be angry with you, or myself, or our circumstances, or not angry at all, but it happens.

It happens quickly.

All it takes is the name of your city.
All it takes is a kid in a uniform,
a song by that one band you like so much,
a stone angel worshipping a god you no longer believe in.

It happens quickly.

All it takes is
that infernal set of railroad tracks we crossed a hundred times,
a glance at my battered, water-damaged watch,
putting gas in my tank and wondering if this is the day that I won't stop driving, the day that I just drive until I can see you and make sure you know that I care, and I always will.

All it takes is one of those little reminders,
those memorial elements, and
I'm gone.
I'm back in that moment that was empty and quiet
but heartwrenchingly vital.
There was nothing but the rise of your chest from slow steady breaths, the sound of your heartbeat pounding like my favorite bassline,
the glimmering stars we couldn't see,
the smell of smoke and wet grass and contentment.
The enveloping feeling that the world will survive if we escaped for an hour,
that regrets are nonexistent,
that for once in my life my inadequacies are not so painfully obvious and I feel loved.

It happens quickly.

Thrown apart, then back together
Tumble in the rain and heather
Flowers crushed beneath this feeling
Send believers all but reeling
Soul stands apart from body
Even dew on the grass seems gaudy
I'm not sleepy yet.

All the butterflies have gone
Burned by the approaching dawn
Roses blush and turn away
As time's blanket starts to fray
"He loves me not," cries one last petal
Like angel's teeth across scrap metal
But I'm not sleepy yet.

All the world is tucked in bed
Tangled hands around your head
Shadows flee before the sun
Hide in bedsheets, need to run
Taste of stone and blood and heat
Embrace as fluid as concrete
But I'm not sleepy yet.

Instantly I can feel the heat
not like a rush but a pleasant snaking
hits my cheeks and my hands are shaking
brain is at critical overload
hormones surging, thoughts overflowed

Instantly I can feel the beat
your heart like a train storming into my ears
open lips, close eyes, lose all my fears
almost losing my head to this fire
feeling you melt into my skin with desire

Instantly the sensation of falling down
Instantly I clutch you to me to avoid the ground
Delicious Vertigo.

Instantly I can feel the heat
Not like a rush but a continuous
Snaking up my spine
Around and around, my head is spinning
Nearing critical overload

Instantly I can lose the beat
Tempo is trickling out of my ears
You scuttle into the corner of my eye
Appearing oh so naturally
Perception is everything
Perception is everything

Roaring waves spill out of your mouth
Oscillating between my vision
Almost up to my neck in fire
Contradicting my one wish
Hoping you will cease this
Echo in my mind that's bursting through the walls and
Silence.

It sounds like
you're whispering
and singing ever so softly
and you hold me tight
in the bed we bought
the only thing we've got
is this moment

and it's all we need and you
brush the hair from my cheek and I
turn to look into your green eyes and you
smile, that smile saved for me and I
wake up.

And there's so much I want to tell you
about my dreams and hopes and aches and
I want to let you in on all my secrets
on all my thoughts and feelings
and it seems like I'm burning for you,
but nothing you say can put me out.

And I want that bed to be all we've got and I
want to be all that you need
but my words mean nothing to
someone who can't hear them and you're
still asleep so I
just smile and tuck you in and I
leave a light on and
two aspirin for you and then I
wake up.

I can't believe we're finally here
in a world all our own,
No one but that
nameless, powerless god
to endure our screams
of private pleasure and public pain.
the universe has no time for us
you and I, time simply moves
around us in a single file line.

Moving in semicircles,
hoping to land among the evergreens
ruthless salesmen pitch their price
of humanity, souls are
for sale.
can't say whether this is a bargain
or a ploy to make me
shameless.

I sat down for a while,
to stop and steel the roses
but the thorns tore at my fingers like
darkness tears away the sunlight, like
time wears away the make-up, like
the scars I bare across my heart.
so I left the roses.

I ran faster, thinking I was
closing in on you, drawing near to you
but the wind pushed back my sails
full of light, I realized
that I will never
reach that star,
cut that throat,
never burn the bridge
that leads back to where
soul meets body.

Bruises mock my pain,
they are my only decoration
they whisper to me words of
hope,
that i may not go on forever,
that in being human
I am perfect,
I am God.

There is nothing left for you in this world,
Not going forward, but moving in the same old mazes,
You can't see past your banner unfurled,
It's covering your eyes, igniting these crazes
Will one never be enough for this monstrous greed?
I continue to tear past these nets of tin,
Not really trying to destroy all that I have,
But this is all that I know, this demonic din,
Wish I could shake it off, and just laugh,
Not have to become one of your content creed.
I have kept my pearls from before the swine,
But their chain of dreams is rusting between my fingers,
Would I replace it with your own, homely twine,
I would have to surrender, bow down, lose, and linger
And all would be for naught.
I feel this coursing of passion through my very blood
But I am too weak; I cannot reach that final note
My aria is to be unfinished, washed out in the flood
That these emotions have forged; "That's all she wrote,"
With worry, I am fraught.
I want to let go of my delusional curse
And bask in your artificial ambiance
But to be blind or to be deaf; which is worse?
Can I find peace in a mind of science?
Does my suffering have any merit?
So I steadily press forward, while you steadily press on,
At least one of us is happy in this sick charade,
I, ever the bishop; you, ever the pawn,
Is this why we are? Why I am so afraid?
This terrible burden; at least you can share it.

Trouble with me is, I'm just too good for this
Reaping what you've sown, I shall triumph.
Above your skies of gray, I reign on high
None of you pious hypocrites can touch me
Stupid peons, why do you try?
Please don't strike back at me, I ******* take it.
Allow me to apologize, I didn't mean to hurt you
Realize that I can't see what I'm doing, where I'm going
Except that...
No one can see the goddess, no one can see the demon
Truly I am all that is. eternalconflict.

Open up your eyes just a little bit wider,
Already I'm running in circles
See the way I'm falling together?
It's definitely not thanks to you.
See the way I'm smiling just a little bit wider?

Such a slow day, time ticks by in tempo
Provide a way to reach the sun, and
It will be taken by men.
Don't look at me that way,
Even I have a weakness.
Rendered useless by my own happiness
Wisps of silky steel wrap 'round mine eyes
Eke a living out of thin air
Before your death is upon on us both
Such a fast day, time resumes a tempo.

How can I stay pieced together
Oracles are speechless before me
Lying gets me nowhere
Living gets me nowhere
Opposites can attract, distract, react
Why can't we be strangers?

Even though we’re leagues apart
Measure my heartbeats by ear, sir
Part these waters from my tears
Tell me that you can tell the difference
I know that you’ll leave me as soon as I can
Need someone, anyone, anything, something
Empathizing with me is worthless; I can’t feel
Surely you must see my pain growing
Surely you must hear my heart breaking

Capture this moment in solid ice
And return it to the ninth circle
Tell all the angels that I
Cannot come to play anymore
Humanity is my kryptonite
Maybe you can feel the love tonight?
Even though we're miles apart
When the sun goes down, I can still feel your
Hands on my back, your poison words in my
Ear and my heart is a vacuum, space
Never-ending cold and black, with no stars to
Intercede the gaps of silence
Feebly, my eyes squint into the painful dark
Allowing me to see how weak I am
Losing you in the raging storm was like
Losing myself to his hands.

Saying what I feel
Ain't no easy feat
Yearning for something that
Isn't what it's meant to be
Lying through my teeth
Over and under again
Vouch for my existence
Even though it's through a pen
Yearn for me
Over many a mile
Unbreak my heart and open a smile.

Making my way across
In the storm that screams
Leaking tears from the gods
Leaning against me
Eating at my resolve
Nearing not my end
Nor my beginning
I am lost but
Using my empty heart
Maybe I will find somewhere new
Sneak across the wasteland
Night will aid me
Onward towards you
Where else would I go?

Tear across the cerulean sky
Hinder my actions
Use my thoughts against me
Never will I stop running
Down from the gods, they are
Ever so frightening, it
Reminds me of this lightning

Going out of my mind
Only when it's convenient
Don't make me do this;
Can't hold on to my humanity
Overreacting to their insanity
Make way for my Pain
Lose yourself in the gain
Explain to me your reasoning
Explain why you can't see through me
i thought you were my friend.

Zealot; standing tall against the screaming winds
Ingenious; looking at the world through the eyes of a God
Optimistic; waiting for the apocalypse that will bring my exaltation
Nearer mine God to Thee; though farther we've never been and they can only save those who save themselves.

Stop making this harder than it really is
Trying to let go but you are chained to me
Reality yanks at this noose but I won't give up
Only I can make this right and only you can
Never rightly make it in your state of mind
Get off of my back or I'll force myself to
Empty my heart of emotion and my eyes of tears
Rip apart my thoughts, but you can't have them, andyou can't have me.

I want this to reach you
across 20000 miles of electricity
we'll see each other soon
I promise.

Walking through a store                                
It smells clean and fresh and cold
Filled with anything

One could ever hoard
Searching aisles painted gold
I’m alone thinking

Found a  hidden book
Journal, I stretch to reach it
Bound in rich leather

Take more than one look
Atmosphere tries to bleach it
What has it weathered?

Pages unnumbered
Etched with words of ideal love
Written by a child

Not for sale, remembered
An accident from above
Let me read a while.

Disappointment
Anger
Mistrust
Apathy
Hopelessness
Lost
Searching
­A shadow
I can’t see your face
I can feel you
A warm hand on my shoulder
A smile behind my back
Soft eyes on my neck
Strong force behind that touch
Safety
Protection
Happiness
Complete
I smile as wide as I can
You make me happy
That subtle lift of the lips
A gleam of teeth
Arms like iron rods
Holding me close to god
Take me away from here