I relax in my too-far-forward driver's seat. The engine is off, and the outside's cold creeps in. I take a sip of my latte. I ordered a mocha, but I don't feel like complaining tonight, not with you by my side. My playlist makes decent background noise as we talk endlessly about work and our pasts. Your past is infinitely fascinating, bright and full of good memories. I try not to choke on my trauma. "I'd give anything to go back to high school," you say, as I shudder at the mere mention of the idea. One good thing came from my high school experience, and that's my best friend. I don't say this out loud. I smile, nod and listen as you tell your stories about hiding ***** in the drainage and getting stranded in Shropshire. Your eyes are alight with mischief and delight as you remember the good times you shared. I **** my head and watch you talk to me. Silence falls as you finish your story. You look at me expecting a response, an anecdote of my own. I'm too busy doting upon you to notice.

We open our mouths at the same time, both of us attempting to speak, and falling over each other to let the other talk first. We pause, intending to let the other tell their tale, before the giggles erupt. My coffee is gone, but you haven't touched yours. "I can't drink it hot like you do, I don't have a titanium tongue."
"Actually, it's more like asbestos."
We go quiet, enjoying each other's company silently. It lasts all of five seconds, unfortunately, as you complain about my music taste. You're right, it has been all over the place. Rammstein plays in the background.
"No wonder you're an angry driver, with music like this." I chuckle, as you haven't seen half of my road attitude problems. Laughing at your own joke, you spill coffee down yourself.
"Did you get any on my seatbelt?" I can't show too much concern, though I worry he may have burned himself.
"Nah, don't worry, I didn't scald myself, thanks,"
"And what if you had done, do you expect me to kiss it better?" We made eye contact. Neither of us say anything. I break first. Any kind of eye contact is intense for me, but looking you dead in the eye is like looking into the scorching sun. I try not to let my face burn up, and glance down at the dashboard display.

I cried my eyes out on our double bed as you yelled, cursed and threatened.
I gave in.
You know me better than I do. It was a mistake, you’re right, you’re right, I wanted it. I’m sorry, I’ll do better, please forgive me for my victimhood.
I will never forget the taste of narcotics and the touch of his hand on my thigh, or the smell of alcohol and so much worse.
Hold on. I can barely remember this. You’re a liar, you scream, I know you wanted him too.
I froze.
Well, you were there. You should know. I’m a cheat, you’re right, you’re right, I had a small crush on him. I’m sorry, just please stay, you don’t have to believe me.
I will never forget your dead eyes as they bore into me, all passion gone, as was all trace of the love you had for me.
You hated me for something I didn’t do, you’ll never forgive me. Eventually you leave me, you tell all your friends.
They all think I lied, a wolf in sheep’s clothing who cried his own name
Howling at the moon that I didn’t do it, I didn’t want it
As our black sheep, that’s you, whispers of the wolf that I was.
There is no happy end.

you love me?
to what extent?
“to the ends of the earth”
but my world is burning down
you are the god of my shrivelled broken universe

From the fall of fall,
I didn’t wanna run anymore.
Sickness wrought upon
by cold feet, now warmed,
Not used to salt-lined thresholds
and closed doors.

Unchained, not belonging
to anyone, prolonging
the mornings, undone
by the death of distrust.
No more at peace on the run.

I am mesmerised by something standard
You don’t understand
It’s hard to explain.

I will try my best, though
You see, I have baggage beyond description
It weighs down as your brows raise.

I explain that life has not been easy for me, the memories remind me of that all the time
You look at me, confused, bewildered that someone could hurt me as they have
It curves my lips slightly to know that you think of me so innocently.

I don’t know what love is like, I state, my eyes on the floor whilst yours are on me
You ask what I mean, have I not been with someone before, was that not love?
It felt like lies, hurt, deceit to me, their atrocities screaming at me to be quiet now.

I look away, it’s awkwardly silent
You look to comfort me
It doesn’t mean anything.

the silence is far too heavy between us
i dread to think of the weight my thoughts would bear
my feelings sworn to secrecy
be bare with me
let me read your mind

loving you is easy and impossible
like being aware of my breathing
to the count of ten
heart pounding
all of a flutter
but that doesn’t affect you

open affection is not for you
my expressions are subtle as a lovers blush
capillaries expanding
heat rising
tensions too
punctured by your grimace

hey there stranger, it’s been a while
months without a single word or smile
radio static
wwwwwww
nothing
wwwwwww
until you could tune in
you heard me call out
. . .  - - -  . . .
- . -  - -  . . .
i was a sinking ship, passing in the night
you were a lighthouse in my twilight hours

Could I ask you a question?
When we have ***, excuse me for reminding you that we do, do you pretend it’s someone else?
I ask because I’m disgusting, no way, you could never, never **** me
Isn’t that what you tell our friends?
They don’t notice the double negative or the handprints around my throat, sorry, my soul
No physical marks, too many questions and no way to cover it up
You can put makeup on love bites
First run your copper coin over it, no one will notice, it’s faded so much
Do the same for my bruised heart that I can’t seem to speak up for
Choking on my words like you do when we...you know, do that.
But do you? Pretend, I mean.
Baseless, faceless, just a body
Nothing but something to sink your fingers into

Mmm.

You’re dodging the question. Right.
Um. Could I ask another?
No, never mind, I can’t bare to see you barefaced lie to me, with your impervious poker face that I wouldn’t doubt if I wasn’t sure
I’m not your only body on the go, I know, I know what you did, I know where those marks came from, those ones you tell me even you don’t know.
Are you sleeping with someone else?
Oh. I’m acting like a crazed boyfriend.
Check myself, one two, yes, I am in love with you
But I’m not jealous, though I am sorry, I just want to stay safe.
Would you not be upset if you were unaware that I was unsafely intimate with more than you? What if I gave you something more than you bargained for?

Cough cough.

Your silence says everything.
I have no more questions, nothing for you
Lack of trust
Abundance of lust
No trace of love
Just fingerprints on thighs and breathless gasps
I hope you know I’ve cried after it’s done.

let me in when the night grows old
i promise i will be careful

let me into your soul
i swear i will be gentle

give me everything you have ever known
and all the things that i have not
allow me to experience mutual love
and in return i’ll give you all that i have got

He shuffles a deck of cards. Plush black backing with a standard face. I watch his hands move elegantly and dextrously, dealing, his hands glide from his pile, to his friends, to mine. Life dealt us very similar cards, though we fan our hands differently and play in polar opposite styles. He is conservative with his plays, preferring to save his hand for opportune moments. A card counter. I am impulsive, high risk for high reward, which usually paid off. No regard for the maths of the game. I glance down at my hand, the soft glow of candles warming out the room and giving the impression of something that someone, somewhere, could mistake for romance. There is no mutual connection. He wears his expression neutrally; I wear my heart on my sleeve. How dangerous for a game of poker. He speaks his mind; I speak my heart. How dangerous for a game of love.

Dreaming quietly of my fantasies,
We are in all of them.
But what “we” are is so confusing,
I don’t know where I stand.
Groggily, under the night sky,
I look between the moon and its reflection.
Dipping my hand into its soft light,
I realise it doesn’t really matter which way up is.

I feel insecure
I lose faith
I give in
Repeat x3