From the fall of fall,
I didn’t wanna run anymore.
Sickness wrought upon
by cold feet, now warmed,
Not used to salt-lined thresholds
and closed doors.

Unchained, not belonging
to anyone, prolonging
the mornings, undone
by the death of distrust.
No more at peace on the run.

Could I ask you a question?
When we have ***, excuse me for reminding you that we do, do you pretend it’s someone else?
I ask because I’m disgusting, no way, you could never, never **** me
Isn’t that what you tell our friends?
They don’t notice the double negative or the handprints around my throat, sorry, my soul
No physical marks, too many questions and no way to cover it up
You can put makeup on love bites
First run your copper coin over it, no one will notice, it’s faded so much
Do the same for my bruised heart that I can’t seem to speak up for
Choking on my words like you do when we...you know, do that.
But do you? Pretend, I mean.
Baseless, faceless, just a body
Nothing but something to sink your fingers into

Mmm.

You’re dodging the question. Right.
Um. Could I ask another?
No, never mind, I can’t bare to see you barefaced lie to me, with your impervious poker face that I wouldn’t doubt if I wasn’t sure
I’m not your only body on the go, I know, I know what you did, I know where those marks came from, those ones you tell me even you don’t know.
Are you sleeping with someone else?
Oh. I’m acting like a crazed boyfriend.
Check myself, one two, yes, I am in love with you
But I’m not jealous, though I am sorry, I just want to stay safe.
Would you not be upset if you were unaware that I was unsafely intimate with more than you? What if I gave you something more than you bargained for?

Cough cough.

Your silence says everything.
I have no more questions, nothing for you
Lack of trust
Abundance of lust
No trace of love
Just fingerprints on thighs and breathless gasps
I hope you know I’ve cried after it’s done.

I cried my eyes out on our double bed as you yelled, cursed and threatened.
I gave in.
You know me better than I do. It was a mistake, you’re right, you’re right, I wanted it. I’m sorry, I’ll do better, please forgive me for my victimhood.
I will never forget the taste of narcotics and the touch of his hand on my thigh, or the smell of alcohol and so much worse.
Hold on. I can barely remember this. You’re a liar, you scream, I know you wanted him too.
I froze.
Well, you were there. You should know. I’m a cheat, you’re right, you’re right, I had a small crush on him. I’m sorry, just please stay, you don’t have to believe me.
I will never forget your dead eyes as they bore into me, all passion gone, as was all trace of the love you had for me.
You hated me for something I didn’t do, you’ll never forgive me. Eventually you leave me, you tell all your friends.
They all think I lied, a wolf in sheep’s clothing who cried his own name
Howling at the moon that I didn’t do it, I didn’t want it
As our black sheep, that’s you, whispers of the wolf that I was.
There is no happy end.

He shuffles a deck of cards. Plush black backing with a standard face. I watch his hands move elegantly and dextrously, dealing, his hands glide from his pile, to his friends, to mine. Life dealt us very similar cards, though we fan our hands differently and play in polar opposite styles. He is conservative with his plays, preferring to save his hand for opportune moments. A card counter. I am impulsive, high risk for high reward, which usually paid off. No regard for the maths of the game. I glance down at my hand, the soft glow of candles warming out the room and giving the impression of something that someone, somewhere, could mistake for romance. There is no mutual connection. He wears his expression neutrally; I wear my heart on my sleeve. How dangerous for a game of poker. He speaks his mind; I speak my heart. How dangerous for a game of love.

the silence is far too heavy between us
i dread to think of the weight my thoughts would bear
my feelings sworn to secrecy
be bare with me
let me read your mind

loving you is easy and impossible
like being aware of my breathing
to the count of ten
heart pounding
all of a flutter
but that doesn’t affect you

open affection is not for you
my expressions are subtle as a lovers blush
capillaries expanding
heat rising
tensions too
punctured by your grimace

you love me?
to what extent?
“to the ends of the earth”
but my world is burning down
you are the god of my shrivelled broken universe

I feel insecure
I lose faith
I give in
Repeat x3