i died
in a less permanent way than you
but i’ll keep living in hell
if that what it takes
to give them a better life
i’ll swallow all of it
still being labeled as the bad guy
and you still a hero
i’ll do my best to protect them
to show them unconditional love
and pretend i’m not still dying
your death is permanent and you can’t help
but i’ll do it for them
they have already been through hell
but i’ll try to make it less painful
even if it rips me apart
because despite what they say
i know you’d be proud of me
the sacrifices
all to try to protect them
from the life we never wanted them to have
there is only so much i can do
but ill do it for us, and for them
and i know in my being
you’d be proud
even if they hate me
i’ll swallow it all
for them like you would have
because who else is so selfless
you are dead and i’m still here by some miracle
so i’ll use this chance
to try my best to give them a better life
than we ever had the chance to have

i wish it were me who perished
i hate you for dying on all of us
especially last year when i lost everything
and so did our girls
they had already lost you
and they lost me too in a different way
i cursed you
because it should have been me
they already lost their uncle
and their aunt was taken away from them
it should have been me who died
instead it was you
i hated you for it because at least
if i had died and you had lived
they would have never lost the two people
who cherished them above all
they have lost too much in their short
time on this planet
i’m no longer mad and i no longer curse you
i just wish with all my being
that you were still here
because i miss you
i never got to grieve because i was too busy taking care of everyone
and now …
now i just want you back
and i feel like i took the time i had with you for granted
because i thought we had forever
and i feel so alone
i know you’re still here watching, spectating
i feel you around me and i feel your love
but all i feel is despair and hopelessness and fear
you should have never died

i sit here in the quiet
in the now
it’s funny i expected betrayal from my own mother
but i never expected it from you
and i still wonder why
what was in it for you?
did you get sick pleasure from watching me rot?
you’ve had no issues calling us out in the past
but in a whole year
twelve months
twelve extricating months
you never told me why
why you took everything away from me
you’ve never had any issues expressing your boundaries
boundaries i helped you uphold beforehand
being excommunicated from my own mother and family
because i knew you were right and i loved you
but you couldn’t tell me
i still can’t make sense of it all
and everything is ruined
the two women i thought i could count on
one of them i expected
the other a snake who slithered behind me and bit
i cant forgive either
and i don't know where to go from here
i’m still lost and cannot find my way
and i know i will never be the person i was
my physical and emotional self forever altered
i’m still getting to know myself but i fear i’ll never

you watched me deteriorate
for an entire year
watched me as i slowly became a ghost
all skin and bone
barely here in the now
“don’t worry it’s in the past now”
maybe for you
but not for me
i was never given an explanation
or boundaries set in place
i thought i could trust you
i never thought you could turn
your back on me
i carried all that weight
the weight i didn’t understand
why i was carrying
it wore me down to the bone
no one checked up on me
no one apologized
except me
when i didn’t even know that i did anything wrong
i was a living corpse on borrowed time
the betrayal cut deeply
i never thought you would turn on me
and then pretend like it never happened
it may be in the past for you
but i am still living in it

i never believed in love
or believed it lasted
much less that it didn’t come without a cost
my mind can’t wrap around
meeting someone who upended my life in the best way
you taught me how love is supposed to feel
what love looks like in its purest form
i never thought i would be the one
i was always taught i was unlovable
and “god forbid, i feel sorry for who you end up with”
i am grateful every second of every day
that you proved myself and everyone wrong
i hope my love envelopes you
the way your love does for me
like a warm blanket on a rainy day
i look into your ethereal green eyes
and i see my forever and always
happy anniversary my love

your soul speaks of dark and light
the sun shined but you cast me in the dark
did you know i’m scared of it?
bad things happen there
between the hours of dusk and dawn
but i never wanted to tell you
i never wanted to add
to your growing list of burdens
for i was already one
maybe since birth
perhaps even before
“i did my best”
yes there was minimal food
a lack of love and care i didn’t realize i needed
there was light and a roof over my head
you left me there
and the light burned out
i sat in the dark scared and alone
did you ever care?
you just wanted someone to take care of you
even if the cost was my innocence
i don’t think you did it on purpose
and i don’t think you’re consciously
aware of the harm you caused
i’ve been screaming for years
even in whispers
please just hear me
please just understand me

do you think of me
when the world is quiet
and the silence is too loud
do you wonder what happened to me?
what i went through
when we didn’t talk for an entire year
did you wonder if if wanted to die
as much as you did
when the ones you loved the most
were taken from you
did you think about all the nights
you cried in my arms
did you think about how you starved yourself
when i was only seventeen
do you wonder if i did the same?
did you think about me at all?
did you think about how you “lost” me
when you were the one to leave me
what you look back on is not the truth
and due to you i will never be able
to recall exactly what happened
besides the fact that i am the person i am
due to the lack of love and compassion
a child deserved in their becoming years