they say that love either means everything or nothing at all
and I was never one for in-betweens
but when I wished to stop needing you so badly my bones cracked when I felt you pulling away
I never meant to stop feeling altogether

I used to trace words against your skin
invisible ink pouring from my fingertips
drunk on the idea of you
as if you were ever more than a troubled boy
making messes of all your past lovers
I’m five months sober and your eyes aren’t my weakness anymore

I am not for everyone and that is okay
but how dare you see a fraction of me and mistake it for the whole
I am not a few raindrops I am a hurricane
a meteorite blinding your eyes- illuminating through the empty night
I am volcanoes aching to erupt & a mystery you could spend the rest of your hours wanting to unravel
black coffee at 5 am, a bittneress you'll get addicted to
I belong to myself- no one's baby and my own hand to hold
the storm inside me will always drown out your whispers
and you will keep searching for the reason why I'm unscathed
your judgement is clouded and I was never one for explanations

so if I was just another body to touch to make you feel less alone
another heart to distract you from your ruins
If I was just another nonchalant goodbye
& girl who loved you more
I can be on my way knowing we were never what I thought
but if your face grew warm when I walked into a room
if I made you want to play with fire
if my kiss burnt your skin and you are still cleaning the wounds
I'll understand why I keep letting strangers feel my lips-
closing my eyes and pretending they are you
I'll know why I still have bruises the shape of your mouth
in places no one sees
even though you haven't touched me in five months
when you swore you'd never meet a girl like me again
I hope you knew you were right

If I could, I would count all the ways my troubled disposition
led to the breaking of my own heart
or maybe how your fugitive tendencies always caught up to you
the faintest sign of affection
and you disappeared before I could muster the words that might’ve changed your mind
it’s inescapable, the moon will ceaselessly pull souls like ours together
our hearts are magnetic but you lost your innocence too young
and I was always searching to fill the emptiness I didn't know was there
again and again, the demons within us will be too heavy to push away
so they will overtake us
consume us until we become a slave to all of our wrongdoings
and I’m sorry I kept asking you to fight away what we both knew would only break us apart
you can write poetry in our shadows but they will always follow behind

Love is not giving yourself away piece by shattered piece
to convince him to feel about you what you feel for him
it is not a million misused chances for the stubborn hope that the pretty words you write will make him want to stay
it is not allowing him to treat your body like a hotel, to come and go in his own pleasure
because he knows better than to think there will come a day where you may have changed the locks
love is not an inexhaustible cycle of sleepless nights
spent wondering what variant of himself he may show you tomorrow
if he shows you one at all
love is not stripping yourself of all the armor you put on to shield away all of his demons
his lips may taste like honey but baby they burnt your skin
and he is already painting her the pictures you thought were only meant for you

I don’t get to write sad poetry anymore
Not when you nested between my ribs like a second heart,
beating an orchestra,
a whole concerto against my skin.
There’s gentle fingers on my scraped knees,
they don’t feel so painful anymore.