It's a delicate subject
future me.
who will i become?
or have i already
sprung into my current
majesty
or will i stay
bitter to the very end?
this self
i see her in the mirror
and i wonder what
will be at her side?
honor?
love?
distant self disillusion?
mirrored.
in the woman she wishes to
be?
or in the woman
she wishes to hold?

is always the sweetest.
because you only see the surface.
never will I do that again.
staying in sweetness.
allowing my mind to be clouded
enough is enough.
will I ever learn?
I think this year, it is the time.

You don't understand me
You don't understand
my wandering love
My desire to adore the earth
to seek all truth
all music and all humans
You don't understand me.
You never have.
Even though I thought you did.
For a split moment, I thought
maybe this was IT.
But AGAIN, I was wrong.

Because simply
You don't get it. You don't get me.

So far, in my life
Only one soul
has understood
me.

Radiant as the stars in the sky
blushing in the roses
clear as crystal – blue oceans in the mind.
Only one.
Lost to the sounds of the outside.
Lost to me in more ways than one.

But it's ok
It's alright.

Because what is meant to be
Will.

And here I go, jumping into the depths
once again.
On a new adventure
Because THAT is who I am.
And you don't get it.
And that's ok.
You don't need to.
I don't need you.

I only need me.

You don't get it.
You will never get it.
Only she will.

I am open
to hear you
and to feel you
but so closed
to those feelings
that I wanted to hold
and embrace
and touch.
I can't, for it is no
longer matter
but just memory.

And now, here,
I feel it for the first time.
Again, and again.
This time to Korea I go
and he says
I'll leave you if you go.
Not exactly
but exactly.

Just like he did with Texas
if you leave I will go.
And he did.

And now it happens again
Forever in a turbine
of ultimatum.

Delicate, you sigh.
Shaking your head
at my despair
touching the open wound
healing it with your fingertips
and I cry.

Sobbing to the tune
of your melodic gaze
minor and soft
delicately wounded.

Gone again.
Bliss.

From that moment you chose yourself
and from the moment I broke
I turned to honeyed wine
carbonated gold
sweet and sickly
rounded in glass or plastic
I turned to it
I turned away from myself
and my temple that I was guarding so well
and I let this part of me
addictive and intoxicating
take over
drive me into a sinking depression
filled with tightening pants
and hanging gut
and acne
and low and poor self-esteem
I would blame you
but in turn
I would need to blame
me
So here I am.
Prepared to throw aside the bottles
and the flasks
and everything to regain me
To regain my consciousness
and my care for my temple.

They dazzle
and dance among
the branches
bright rubies
lively viridescent
frosted blues
and sparkling white
mixed with a golden yellow
that makes the fuzz around
my vision grow

I sit there with you
we can see our breath
dragons amidst the forest
curled to each other,
arms wrapped in one other,
close and warm, hearts beating quick
you look into me again
and I look back.

There it was, my heart
stopping once again
as you gave me that warm look
in those deep, copper eyes.
How could someone look at me
like you do?
I've never felt someone probe so deeply
into my very soul.

"I don't know and I'm afraid to say"
en español, you speak

I huff, waiting for you
but you still say you're afraid

This is the moment
THAT moment
where I look around me
at the sparkling trees
and wonder
how this could even be happening...

and the words
roll off my tongue
like honey off my spoon
and I feel our bodies
sing together, truly,
for the first time.

Aching
you make me ache,

tantalizing my body
and gently caressing my mind
with the way you simply
look
into
me.

How is it
that something that I long told myself
I would never indulge in
suddenly
and I mean
suddenly
becomes something I slip into
like negligee
seeking to taunt and tease

or simply to hold your desire for one second more.
or simply to hold you
or simply to hold your heart
just simply

you look into me
not at me
but into me and around me
searching for the answer
to your burning question

Mamihlapinatapei
that's what it's called
"A wordless, yet meaningful look
between two people who both desire to initiate something,
but both are too scared to initiate themselves."

Here we are.
Speaking golden words
with no sound at all.

Falling slowly
and yet closely
plummeting
into a sea of euphoria

Aching,
you make me ache.

I sleep with my eyes open
and dream under the blankets
of my own fears
suffocated by the desires of
my unconscious mind.
Dying in increments
passing by

you
       me
it
       what
                   passes
        is
you
         what
is


this
The words, blank
filled in with gold
when shattered
standing here, unable to
understand
this brief weakening
of my consciousness
Deafening me
though I fought so
hard
to make it not so.

All that remains
are my remains
of soliloquies
sought after and
excluded from
conversation
Blanks in between blanks
Words between the lines
Empty spaces, where something belongs.

Weakened by you
what can I do

The difference between
in love
and love
is a dispute through every relationship I have had.

Poindexter says;
the greatest second you will
ever have on this earth is
the exact moment you fell
in love.

I remember, looking at your face
through a computer screen
and reminiscing on our moments
and I remember that moment;
you were laying on the bed
yellow wallpaper
orange mattress
faded sheets
bare back to me
freckle constellations
and I touched you
and fell in love.

and you said, "I love you"
and I pretended I couldn't hear you just so you would say it again
"******, of all the times to cut out, THIS is when it does?!"
I smiled.


I remember another moment
another human
laughing
bright smile
hair long and sheen
slender and poised
boots
leggings
eye contact
and I fell in love

and you said, "Do you love me?"
and I ran away.
Heated face.

On your bed, another human
you said the words
and I had already fallen
and been in that vulnerable state for weeks
already said I loved you in french
to which you said, "No, don't say that"
"Too soon"
And you were leaning against the wall
guitar in your lap
fingers strumming
staring at me tenderly
"I love you"
"What?" I said.
I ran again.
and now, empty handed

uncomfortable in my next encounters
shying away
even more venomous am I now.
Disgusted with love
and with being in love.
Wanting anything but.

you leaning over me
"Because, I love you."
and me saying carefully
"I'm in love with you."
discomfort in my body

Not wanting to waste precious words again
but I did anyway
throwing them about.
just like I threw others about
tearing up hearts
relentlessly.
tearing up lives
effortlessly.
tearing up people
nonchalantly.

a dangerous siren.
remembering each moment
she fell in love
and wondering;
was it real?

Sacral, sacred, ******, sensual, satiated, subtle, superior

Svadhisthana entwines. In and out. Creativity and ***.
The more you engage yourself with another
the stronger the bond becomes in your sacral region
So the stronger the bond,
the harder it is to break.

Firsts especially. First love. First ****. First whatever.
Orange and bright and with long creeping fingers
reaching into you and wrapping around you.

Do you ever wonder why after
a bad breakup...
you can't seem to do anything?
Your creativity is gone.
Any motivation. Everything aches.
You have guilt and a sinking feeling of loss.

It's Svadhisthana. It's your sacral being
which has been entwined with something
too much
too deep
too intense

and now you're stuck
and forever you're stuck
in this place where each person
you sleep with
is constantly
there
somewhere
in
your
head

You knocked on my door:
"You ready to go?"
And I took your hand
and we walked the streets of Teplice.

It began to rain
and we ran, laughing
Gelato on our faces,
questions giggling out of our smiles
How easy it was.

You sat close to me
in the opera house on the stairs
we were alone and you pointed
out a fake tree and said it looked like a person
"Ghost stories!" you cheered
and I said,
"Absolutely not!!"
We laughed, bumping shoulders
hearts racing more as we looked
outside of ourselves.

I joined you on your beds,
which you pushed together
foamy and orange mattresses
uncomfortable wooden space
in between us.
More the reason to scoot closer
to you.

I waited
and you froze there in the dark
and I said, "***** it"
and leaned over to kiss you.
How young and innocent it was.

Who knew, that one kiss
would lead to this
pained and empty heart
memories smoky and distant in my peripheral
I sigh again as I remove my bandaid
my knee is skinned and my arm is bruised
I've tried everything to get rid of you
but you are stuck
wedged into my heart
like a shard of mirror or glass

It's cloudy outside
I checked the weather where you are
cloudy too...slight chance of rain
same here.

I sit in a coffee shop
up to my eyes in work
and still I can't shake you.
Whatever you are.
No longer a person, but a spirit of some kind
still breathing down my neck
your cologne lingering
on my shoulder

How I wish you would go away
your prescence makes me ill
in my mind and spirit.
but I can't
can't let you be free...
no matter how hard I try
or no matter how many times I think I let go

I can't.

Probably because you said after I'm done
here, in Texas
that maybe we could start again
but I know
you wouldn't really want that.

you hate me.
don't you.

it's ok.

i hate me too.

You crossed my mind again
a bitter taste formed on my tongue
like the coffee that has sat too long
I wish you were absent from my memories
but you stick like the gum under my desk
and seep under my mind's door like muddy water

I forget that bitter taste sometimes
when I think of you
It's like honeyed trash, sweet at first,
and then sour and gag inducing.
Your memory makes me ill.
Sick to my stomach
to my mind.

You'd think, after this time, you
would be less present
And yet, here you are in the palm of my hand
sticking your finger in my face
and giving me hell while I still flounder
to figure out who I am.

Bless you, *******, I hate you, I love you.
All words. Spoken. To. You.

I wish I could rip that memory from my mind
but I can't because you sunk your claws so deep
that my blood runs black from your toxic waste
I wish, I want, I can't, I won't.
All things. Spoken. To. You.

Sweetness is graced by the sun that yields the first crop
And sweetness is graced by the kiss that yields the first touch.
For you, though unaware of me composing
my thoughts and intentions towards you
brace the wind with compassionate care
In a constant state of thoughtful presence.
You turn toward the sun, just like me
away from the shadows, away from the idea
of something bad in this world.
For nothing is bad, but simply not good
and simply, will always get better.
For I have told myself this a thousand times
and it is hard to believe
but easier to believe when someone like you
runs your fingers through my hair
looks at me with intentional interest
and care, and understanding, and a desire to know more.
For you, the sunflower I hold
are warm and canary yellow
and you flutter in my arms like the bird I hear
across the crystal waters of the ocean song.

You're just another girl I ******.
You're nothing more than a girl
I ******.
I was to say this to you.
I want you to hear it.
Day after Day
in your head
until it drives you crazy.
Because
it's becoming more and more
apparent to me
That you do not DESERVE
who I am
what I am

You're just another girl I've ******.

My body is like patchwork
with threads through and through
keeping me together
keeping me from you.

Under these patches
are open wounds, sores
that bleed and are blackened
by the blood dried into my core

I am clawed at in the middle of the night
Haunted by something,
by someone who drags me into a hell
and sits on the edge of my bed,
pillow in hand,
over my mouth.

I suffocate,
the memories are shoved into my throat
like cotton
like paper
like razors
peeling back my skin on my wrists

I start up in shock
I haven't seen those scars for years.
Sob. Sob. Sob.
Ruthless. Unhealthy. Obsession.
I see the fuzz come into my vision
only the corners
as I fade back into the dark game of dreams
night terrors. Far from dreams.

Haunted by
you and him and her and him and her and him and her and her and her and him and her...
Those open wounds covered never spoken of
I tie my strings tighter
pull myself together
and scoff at the fear.

We wait, with baited breath,
for the summer to finally arrive.
And yet, when that summer
engulfs our lives
We are in stasis.
Our passions, our drive
are emptied into the warm
lonely days,
Where we seek solitude
and yet company from those
who makes us feel.
We lose ourselves in each other
and fall backwards into arms
that we wished so dearly to escape
from, and now, can't get enough of.
Our passions begin to divide
and our path is no longer clear
as that bright sun moves across
the day and burns our skin
to a crisp, candy apple.
Summer brings about the best
and the worst of my desires,
how quickly I wish the fall
to come.

All the way to the end
It burns, burns, burns.
Crumbling, and crippling
as the ashes fall on your lap.
And you inhale with a smirk
and you exhale without gasp

I watch you take in the heated smoke
and I imagine how it passes through your lungs
gently caressing the inside of your body
just as I lay my fingertips on your back
and barely trace across you.

I try very hard not to stare at you
but it's almost impossible to keep my gaze
away from your radiant smile
and the way your mouth wraps around that cigarette

I feel almost embarrassed to be so intent
on watching such a small mannerism
but I'm overwhelmed by an intoxicating feeling,
a desire to learn every thing I can about you.

My face gets hot and I try and focus on something else
But it's so difficult not to look, so I stare at my shoes.
I feel like a child, overwhelmed and nervous
and my breath quickens
when your fingers wrap around my hand.

Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
Laughter. Conversation. Thoughts.
Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
The rhythm settles and ignites
just like that lighter you click
to start over again. A new cigarette.
A fresh start. To a new song.

Though the sun has barely set,
the course for tomorrow has already begun.
I imagine you putting on your armor
to embrace the night.

Though the sun has just gone down,
the course for battle has already begun.
I imagined you fighting
to keep me away.

Though the night has fallen now,
the course for pilgrimage has already begun
I see myself crawling through the grass
searching for your armored figure.

Though it is now midnight,
and the sky is pitch black
I see your figure dancing in the moonlight
taunting me to come closer.

Though it is now past 1,
and the moonlight is bright and vivid
I see myself edge closer to you
trying to beg for mercy

For it is not battle I wish any longer
For it is not pain I wish for you, any longer
For it is not what I wanted from the start
so now I am here, at your feet, with you and your sword

And you place the blade upon my shoulder,
and you pull every so slightly,
to cut into my skin
revealing my blackened blood
which then turns red as I look into your gaze.

You mouth words to me,
that are so floral and elegant
and you say to me those words I've been
dying, to hear.

For this love, it is what I wished for
from the moment I knew who you were
For this love, it is what I hoped for
from the moment you knew who you were

And now I lay at your feet
a saint with a past
and a sinner with a future
Admittedly imperfect
Admittedly cruel
Kissing the warm earth
where you walk.

Indeed, I can't believe it
It's been almost two years
Since we broke each other's hearts.

Ah, indeed, two years ago you got down on one knee
can you believe it?
You and I?
Were to be married?
I scoff at the fact now;
promising to never trust anyone as much
like I did you.

Looking back though,
all I see was the good in us
the good in you.
It makes me smile now,
instead of weep uncontrollably.

Finally, after almost two years
I feel at peace with your disappearance.

I remember last year,
calling you,
crying,
pleading.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
But now, I look at the phone and roll my eyes
whenever I have the brief thought.
Usually after way too much to drink. Usually whiskey.

I still am in shock. Two years? Impossible.
That means, almost four years ago we met. Weird, isn't it?
I wonder if you think of me with disdain,
or disgust, or sadness, or happiness.
To be honest, I'm not sure if I ever wish to know
how you feel of me.

The reason I write this,
well, I had a dream of you.
As usual, I write my poetry due to dreams
why not?

In my dream, I ran after you trying to talk to you
and you ran away from me, not unusual really.
You finally let me talk to you,
you invited me into your home
showed me pictures of your girlfriend (do you have one? I don't know)
showed me your success and I just smiled
I was so happy for you.
a feeling I haven't ever felt for you since we separated.

Happiness for your happiness.
Hmph, what a concept.

and when I awoke,
I realized I had finally accepted your absence.
Finally. I was free from your *******.
Free from my desire to ever be with you again.
Finally. Free. Free to be free!

I went outside of my tent (I was camping at the time of my dream)
did yoga in a field full of wildflowers
kissed the air
worshipped the warmth of the sun
and let you go.

Finally. Free. Finally.
Almost two years later.

Goodbye.

I have vivid dreams of you,
wrapped around me.
One moment you're there,
the next; gone.
Last night, I dreamt of you again.
Like I do most nights.
And I talked to you
and it was so sweet hearing the honey pour from your lips
and so relieving to see a smile again.
For though I thought loneliness would be the answer
to keep you safe and sound
and to protect myself...
This is not the truth; it has only made my journey more difficult
especially now that I can only speak to you in dreams.
Only in dreams can I share with you my secrets,
my desires,
my hopes,
my fears.
For of all the people I've met in this lifetime...
You were the only one who has understood me the most.

Maybe I'll be stuck in this purgatory forever
Looking for you in every woman I meet
Maybe I'll only be able to ever speak to you in my dreams
Looking forward to those nights where I can feel free once again.

I talked to my mentor; told her what I did to you
blamed myself
blamed everything I did wrong
my stupidity
my insecurity
and all she could offer
was that I shouldn't have burned my bridge

and I sit back and look at it still smoldering
just like those glances you gave me at the airport.
Filled with pain,
anxiety
betrayal.
How dare you.

How dare I indeed...
to take such purity of heart and give it away hoping it would help
but only destroying what was most precious to me.
How dare I.

How dare I take your trust and burn it.
Never trying to hurt intentionally
but always slicing so deep...and deeper...and deeper.
Until three times was the charm
and you only meet me at night
in my vivid dreams
where we can speak
with no pain
no sadness
no concept of betrayal
just us
just us
just us
just me.
only me
awake
wanting
to
be in...
in my vivid dreams...

with
you.

You are stable,
grounded and tall.
Sinking into you,
I have no fear of failing or falling.
For I have soft grass beneath my feet
and a purple and azure sky above me.
You, are my first and foremost.
You, provide it all
You donate your love unconditionally
and you fall at my feet.
You, are all I truly need
For I am you, and you are me.
Self-Love is the only love
you can get without hesitation.
Self-Love is the only love
grounded in earth's rotation.
Day or Night
Winter or Summer
Hardship or Success
You, yourself, will always be.

It rings in my ears
as I see your pictures displayed on my screen
It rings in my heart
as I see your name displayed on that playbill
It resounds in my soul
as I feel my eyes water with tears
It feeds into my mind
as I cry over you and your return to music.

I would have never thought, almost two years later
that your name would still be on my lips
I would have never thought, almost two years later
that your voice would still be in my mind
I would have never thought, almost two years later
that your voice would be back on the stage
And yet, I see your name there and I weep for joy.

I weep because I was afraid I had ripped music
away from your life
I weep because it is not the case any longer
I weep because I know you are over me
I weep because you are happy and I am not.

I hear your song, forever imprinted
I feel your body, forever felt.
I feel your soul pushing farther and farther away
Scrambling, fighting, resisting my call...
My call for another chance, for a seventh one, for an eighth
or however many I have begged for again
and again.

I weep because I know you will never see this
I weep because your love is gone
and my heart is empty.

As empty as the ski slopes early in the morning
As empty as the theater after the show
As empty as the alleyway where we parked the car
As empty as your home when all were gone
As empty as the roads, when they were covered in snow
As empty as our beer glasses
As empty as our summer days
As empty as those hours on skype when I was asleep
As empty as my promises to you
As empty as my promises to you
As empty as my promises to you
As empty as my promises to you.

Empty.
Empty.
Empathy.
Never.
Felt.

"I can't do this anymore"
I hear.
"I can't handle this."
"I'm sorry."
Empty.
Empty. Empty.

Two sugars, half and half
went to just half and half
to 2%
to skim
to soy.
No sugar.

Now I look into my cup, only seeing light from above
reflected in the steaming waters.
No sweetness or fog to cover up what I wanted truly
which was the opaque deafness of this reality.

Confused at my choices, I sip deeply
wondering whether the grounds I tasted
were karma for those actions against me.

Some people say, jokingly, that they like their coffee
black
like their soul.

Here, I wonder if I simply like it black because it IS like my soul.

Unkindness seems to reek from my pores
and my tongue is black from the words I forged.
People say it's human nature...
but my true nature, as I once believed, isn't so cruel.

And yet, here I am, cruel and deceitful.
Drinking my soul to the end.
To the last drop.

How then, can I overcome this blackness and just take my coffee
for what it is -- simply coffee?

Sip. Swallow. Think.

Forgiveness in oneself is only in the eye of the beholder
and I've done more than just to myself.
So there it is -- uncanny sobriety to the actual issues at hand.

The unfinished apologies and countless "sorry"s.
Black. Deaf. Swimming.
Around my head and through my mouth into my whole body.

The heat making me flush and fever.

I can run no longer
from this soul inside of me
Clawing to be let out
Clawing to be free

I can shroud myself no longer
Letting my clothing deceive you
For I am simply a wolf
in a sheep skin of a fool

I have led you to the pasture
to take you into my breast
only to claw your throat out
and leave you to the rest

You cry out in pain
and say, "I thought you loved me."
But I can only stare at the blood
and turn away to flee.

This person I've become
is not who I've wanted to be
This wolf inside of me
Is dying to be set free

I'm tired of hiding
and hot from the wool
Please just let me out
You silly, ignorant fool.

Music to my ears, the rush of water un-
mistakingly caresses my hand. I re-
member looking at my hand close to yours wishing
maybe you'd hold it and see.

Graciously, you leapt to me and be-
grudgingly I floated away.
Gracefully, you closed your heart and like
glass I shattered you, but still you stay.

Soft against you, I push and pull.
Straining to escape what I had begun
Simply because the answer was yes
So now my eyes blink hard in the sun.

I swim to you, but you're too far now
I have lost all hope of holding you
I submerge into the coolness of your gaze
I desire so much to be, not one, but two.

Licensed diver, I went too far
Longing now to swim to the very deep
Longing to dive into you, close to your heart
Living with your ghost, it's close enough to sleep

You, in my veins, pressure on my body
You, in my heart, pressure on my soul
You, in my mind, unlocking the chest
You, in my body, one with the wind you become.

My body stirs and aches
for you to touch it once more.
Your hands are warm and they shake
and my breath quickens for

You, to be close to me,
breathing into me sweetly
Your lips tracing so free
down, down, encompassing completely

Your fingertips are soft against my skin
tracing the lines and curves
and I sink in to a place I haven't been
and my brain stops and swerves

You set my whole body on fire
with complete and utter ease
and my heart is constantly filled with desire
as I get down on my knees.

I worship that feeling of you within me
Your body is a temple and I fall
down to kiss and caress, you see
me touching every inch of you, so beautiful and tall.

Those eyes, filled with animalistic passion:
Kiss, tug, cuddle, tease, slap.
your hands in my hair in a gentle fashion
and I lean back and lay gentle in your lap

To feel your heartbeat against mine
is something I cherish dearly
So lean into me and take this sign
and listen to me say sincerely,

I think I'm falling for you.
I hope you're feeling this too.

The rain comes as a shock
to the dry Texas land

The soil can no longer remember
a time where its thirst was quenched.

The hills are painted with clear intentions
and the earth smells of a fresh upheaval.

The roots dig profoundly into the planet
and extend from below to the cosmos above.

Awakened, within the terra firma,
a seraph reaches up into the leaves
and caresses the lush branches.

How long it has been
since the being could attain
and comprehend
the artistry of this world.

At the touch of life,
the being steps out
of its transcendental state unlocked from

her chains
of depleted soil.

She is cautious to be held in the bough.
But a flower blooms merely at her gaze
and obsequiously transitions from colorless
to the deepest amethyst ever beheld by eyes.

Down it comes, drenching the forest,
spreading its nourishment.
Small crystals appearing as tears
brighten the cheeks of the seraph's smile.

Color
rushes into her skin and she appears
to blossom
in her comfort and confidence,
mirroring that flower.

Snuggly she rests her seasoned heart
within the boughs she's only just
begun to fathom and question.

Is this renaissance ephemeral?
Even if it is, this,
this child of the earth knows the rain
is a feeling – and it's ineffable.

My heart is a house
and it's open for rent
To stay and to sleep
I thought you were meant
to live here for good
I was about to hand you the keys
but you lived and you left
without paying the fees.

More tenants came in
and they messed up my floors
they ripped off the wallpaper
and they knocked down the doors.

Then you came along
and you spackled the wall.
You painted the doors
and I began to fall
down those stairs so high
I tripped and I hurt
but by the time I got up
all that was left was your shirt.

It was stuck on the banister
as if you had fled without thought
I fell to my knees
because my breath was not caught.

Tears clouded my eyes
as my hope was shattered once more
To love is too dangerous
now I will forever lock my door.

The crimson wax burns onto the edges
and I press down to close the letter shut.
My eyes are focused intensely.
The emblem beneath my hand
shows the crest of my family name.
Enclosed in this parchment
are the last of my words to you.
I will send no more letters,
no more sighs,
no more abrupt sobs.
It's all in here and it's all closed.
Handing the letter over to you,
I gaze into your cold stare
and shudder.
Your eyes still make me melt
and my stomach turn.
Place me as a seal upon your heart
as I have placed you upon mine.
Forever and ever I will remember
your voice,
your tears,
your smell.
Burn me into your mind
as you have been burned into mine.
Never forget those words I have spoken
Never forget the touch
or the warmth of my hand.
Place me,
as I have placed you.

Southern moonlight with arrogant stars
shining down upon my pale cheeks

How I wish I could just have an easier time
dealing with things like love and war.
I'm not one to question the way the universe turns
Instead, I simply let it happen and do my part

I let those stars grin and cackle
I let that moonlight ease my mind
I just let it happen, whatever it may be.

But just because I bow to the winds
of the ever changing storm...
No, it does not mean I will falter in my ground.
I stay rooted here on this earth,
with infinite space above me.

Never touching. Never burning. Never suffocating.

After all the experiences I've had,
my feet lifted off the ground,
I have learned an important lesson -

Never. Never. Never.

Never be lifted so high up
that if you are dropped
you may break and die.

Never be lifted so high up
that if you are stuck
you can never get down.

No matter how beautiful that moon is
Guard your heart.

No matter how enticing the stars
Guard your soul.

And when you give yourself to the universe
and you are spat back down,
NEVER let those same constellations
con you into an even deeper black recess.

Only take those strong and gentle,
and let them guide you and give
them, give them your love and attention
for they are the true providers of beauty,
and kindness, and unselfish love.

I look up again at the moon,
and smile as it beams back.

I stand on the rocks by the river,
soaking in the wisdom and peace
the leaves rustle in anticipation

The waterfall brings in the
newest, freshest, cleanest water
and I drink it all in.

I place a silver ring, given to me before,
on my heart and I say a prayer;

"This is for you, for all of you, who have trampled me."

And I clench my fist,
and laugh out loud,
and I throw it into the river.

"May no one ever find you."

I walk home with tears running down my face.
The moon smiles at its good little witch of the south
and urges me to run once again.

I do it. I run.
A slave to love.
A slave to good intention.
A slave to this beautiful life.
A slave to my own pride.

"May no one ever find you."

"In a dream, I was untrue
Shot up in sweats and I knew it was you
All the while as I traced her spine
You tore up my head, through my peace of mind"

I wept for you again
with the slow music playing
in the back of my mind.

I brought it forward
All of it.
I faced the truth, the fear
the connection I still felt.

But I saw it.
I saw you.
I heard you.
And I felt the pull down

Into that blackness
that you so love to dwell in,
Unforgiving.

"If you breathe in, then I breathe in
And slowly let go
If you need it, then I need it
And only we'll know"

I feel our hearts still
connected in a sick way.
******* our lives,
draining our colour.

But slowly,
painfully.
We let it free.
Let ourselves be free.

"Can't be the same as we lie in the light
Knowing full well, your virtue's my vice
In the night we are one
Till the moment is gone
Till my race has been run"

It's over.
We've both crossed that threshold
and can no longer return.
But we are still connected.

And will always be.
Unfortunately.
Fortunately.
But only we will feel it.

"If you breathe in, then I breathe in
And slowly let go
If you need it, then I need it
And only we'll know"

And you say to me:

"Your sorry words need not know my mind
So refrain from use"

And I finally close my eyes
and shut my mouth,
forever silent to you.
From this moment forth.

But just remember
you can never rid me from yourself
and I can never rid you from myself.
You are forever imprinted.

"If you breathe in, then I breathe in
And only we'll know"

The smell of old books and beer
spilled upon the streets
leaves my mind at ease to wander
amid the smokey bars and jazz beats.

I speak to an old woman
who sits upon a velvet stool
She runs the lovely book shop
but swears she was once a fool

"A fool for love." she says to me
and my mind begins to race and run
"I once too was a musician.."
Of course! She was listening to Beethoven for fun!

"I left college for him. I gave up music for a normal life "
My heart sank further, as I thought about her strife.


Her blue eyes became a bit watery
and I asked her if she liked working here
She looked at me and smiled and said,
"Of course I do, my dear."

I let my eyes meet hers
and there, I saw the past
The person that I could have been
If I had given up at last.

I ran to the bookshelves
and hid behind their words.

I felt terribly ill all of a sudden
and began to sob uncontrollably.

It didn't help when I turned around
that there on the shelf,
was a book of John Donne poems
and therefore, you, yourself.

I searched through the book
to find that one sonnet

that you showed me after we parted
...my eyes quickly darted...

But, to no avail would I see it,
for I had forgotten the phrase
Much like I had forgotten all the good
in our life while we were in that daze.

So I sobbed upon the bookstore floor
and threw the poems away from me.
For I knew that no matter where I was,
you, there, would always be.

My heart drops further into my stomach
as I stare at this picture

I can't help but want you even more,
as I stare at this picture

I've been staring at it for so long
that I almost believe that it's real
and I reach out to touch your face
but am rudely denied by reality.

Who are you? Who am I?

Who are we?

Is it even possible anymore
to see the beautiful lines of your face
or do I just shudder back
and understand it won't be anything

How do I attain that simple mind?
The simple thought of happiness
and of understanding suffering?
How?

I must not, to start, dream
as I stare at this picture.

For an instant, I saw your reflection
and, for a moment, I touched your fingertips
through the glass, as if it were water
Your glance was so clear
and sharp through that light
I almost stuttered as I shook
from the force of it all.
But I pushed too far and it cut too deep
and the edges of your face
slipped from view and I was left
shattered on the floor,
once again.

Fingertips graze the spine
as the mind unhinges its
large jaws of speech,
Gnawing at the prospect
of knowing you through time
and space.
What enters my heart is
no longer darkness
But only the light of the
beautiful earth. I
descend into my body
again. Even after my
trancendental experience.
I give myself to the music
as it always is rushing
through my veins. Blood
that is an inferno of
statement and philosophy.
Where do you stand in this
game with me? Checkmate?
Pawn? Bishop? King?
Slide into me oh Rook.
Destiny calls to us.

I dive down again, into profoundly deep waters.
This time, I have nothing to shield me.

As I sink to the bottom, I'm aware
that this feeling is not something I've ever experienced.

The fear takes over my body,

my Breath is taken from me.
This beauty around me is all that I see.

Of course, look at that –
behold the exquisiteness of this terrifying place.

The azure of the depth
The softness of the sands
I reach out and caress a dolphin
and it even kisses my hands.

Though I sense the similarity of
the Pacific waters before,
I can surely tell it's the Atlantic
by how my body adores

and explores those endless drops
of the frightening sea
My soul expels its discomfort
and suddenly, I'm Free.

I breathe in fidelity and twist
my mouth into a smile
I can already tells that no matter what,
this dive was definitely worth while.

I allow the ocean to wrap itself around my figure,
as I swim to the sky with strength
and new found vigor.

The clouds in the sky are fluffy runs
With the imprint of skis passing through them
In perfectly rounded patterns of the experienced skier
And in zig zags of someone who may not be so inclined.

I drive to my next task, the sun burning my face with intensity
And I breathe in the cool spring air that juxtaposes the blazing star.

It's so beautiful and yet so dim.
Those memories fill my mind with a thick smoke of remorse and regret.
Beautiful images turn to ugly truths as I drive down 95.

I turn on the music to hear a good song,
Hoping that my playlist of feel good music will help to lift the burden.
And yet, I'm still caught thinking about you
Amid the overbearing wash of depeche mode.

I love their songs as much as I love you still. It's a forever love that even after weeks of not thinking and not listening, I still return to that hollow yet comfortable place.

My mind rolls on to other thoughts as I roll the window down to aid the wind in caressing it's fingers through my hair. I allow nature to substitute for you.

I only wish the rays from the sun would be as gentle as your touch once was and not harsh like the words that were spoken between us.
And I wish the clouds did not form into such shapes as to remind me of that smirk you held as you skied beside me, so proud of my progress.
And I wish the wind was you instead of simply just being wind.

But instead, as I drive and think all these wishful thoughts, there is not an element to nature that can dry my tears like you.

I sob as the sun presses and the clouds move. The wind continues to caress me and I can only accept the little bit of solace I get from it.

God bless the wind.

There is a certain spark that occurs
When one finds their place
A spark that ignites a fire
And enters your spirit into a race

When one finds their purpose
All hope and beauty is not lost
Dreams become a reality
And you'll do anything at any cost

To get to that place
Where you feel you belong
You'll even end relationships
That you treasured for so long

At first, the feeling is terror,
Was this all really worth it?
But when you see the shimmering stars
You know you didn't really quit

On that horizon you see the moon
Coming up over your head
And you close your eyes to weep
Because you're soul has been fed

It has been fed the spiritual food
it needs to survive and thrive
You cry and you cry and you cry
Because, finally, you are alive.

I've watched many a documentary since you've slipped from my arms
Sinking deep into the earth, becoming part of the spiritual world.

I've read many a book and focused only on school since you've
evaporated into the sunny atmosphere above my blonde head.

The most recent documentary, Cosmos, is all about what is around us
and how insignificant we are in such a vast and expansive universe.

When I watch it, I think of you of course
And I can't help but think how insignificant our problems are
in such a vast and expansive universe...
And I can't help but think how foolish it was to fight.

The Australian Aboriginal people believe in something called
"The Dreaming"
Where the earth was once covered all in water
And the "creative-spirits" came from the water...
Forming the mountains, the plains, the animals, and the people.
Then, when done, the rest of their energy

Went up into the heavens to become the constellations
Or down into the earth.

It's funny to compare, but I feel like you were a creative spirit in my life.
You came, and conquered my heart.
You came and captured my soul, bringing me joy and light and happiness.
You painted beautiful ideas and wishes and dreams and imprisoned them into my being.
And then, when all of the energy you could give was expelled...

You were gone.

Different parts of your spirit flew up into the heavens or sunk into the ground.
And now, you're constantly all around me.

I see your shadow in the things you liked and the things you disliked
I feel your unspoken and spoken words.


I can never look at an apple again without thinking,
"He really hated apples"

Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, because it's not.
Sometimes I do cry.
Sometimes I do get very angry at myself or at you...
But I never think, "I regret that relationship."

Because I simply do not.
Everything,
and I mean Everything
happens for some kind of Purpose.

Our "Dreaming" was meant to begin in those cobbled streets of Prague
and end in a desperate and angry text message.
Our "Dreaming" was meant to make an impression on our hearts.
Our "Dreaming" was meant to create a beautiful painting of two people who loved each other so much, they could not even be together.

And then our creative spirits were meant to become the constellations
and the earth we walk upon so that someday
we would truly appreciate the person we
were really meant for.

Maybe, maybe we are meant for each other.
Maybe, we just need more time.
But I know I can say with one thing certain
in my heart,
I loved you. I love you. And I always will.

Your lies in your eyes as you sit and realize. What a mistake was made when you threw it all away. Don’t you feel upset when you think of that day, when you brought yourself to one knee 2 months after May. Wasn’t it sickening when you said those words that ended it all in a rushed fashion. Turning your cheek and completely leaving, empty handed. Running from what you were afraid of, and leaving me abandoned. How could you just cut me off, and never speak to me again? Like I’m a ghost in your past. A ghost in your closet, grey and black. How could you do this simple deed and leave me on the side of the road to bleed. As if I meant nothing to you in your life, you were willing to toss it away. Trash, never treasure, that’s what I hear you say. I loved you to the very end, no matter what I constantly would bend. Maxing out my credit and taking out a loan so that you would never have to be alone. Not only that but I pushed all aside, in school and family and in friends, so that I could abide. With you, I would feel you were my soulmate and now knowing you could easily sever my tether, I wonder if my worth was ever so great. I based my reality on this dream of us, being together and never having to fuss. And yet, we talked about how we never fought and when we finally did we saw what it brought; Pain and suffering to a relationship too perfect it seemed, how could we have been so stupid to think it would always gleam. In the light, we saw some true colors of each other, but I think those bad things are not enough to make us hate one another. Could you please just look once more at our photos together and see those smiles and know it was worth while. That we were not meant for a separation such as this, and this emptiness we feel is nothing like our kiss. All I can recall from our moments together is all the beautiful times and the beautiful weather. Positives outweigh negatives that’s what I’ve always said. I even told you with that other guy that’s how I felt, and now I’m telling you here. Out of our two years together, this was only the second major fire and I really cannot fathom why the building came crashing down so quickly. We have our faults and I definitely know I have mine. But I can’t help but think that there is some sort of line. Did I cross it? Yes indeed, but I couldn’t help it when I felt threatened and helpless. Misunderstanding your words and feeling attacked…when in reality you were just fighting back. A never ending circle that could have been stopped if we had both just calmed down and talked for a spot. Like cool headed adults that we really are and not impassioned children that we became. I really feel like we could have retained all of this anger and sadness. I really do. I really feel we could repair it if we just started with a bit of glue. Glue of compassion and glue of understanding. Glue of love and comprehending. Darling, you made my world worth while. You made it all ok. And that was the happiest moment those two months after May. To see it all shatter, right before my eyes. I can’t even believe it, I feel as if my soul has died. So please, I urge you to look once more. Make a list if you must, but look again into the dust. See our relationship as a whole painting and no just the smattering of ink upon a dim page. Look at the positives. Look at the beauty. For I see it and I know that we are more than our mistakes. More than our flaws. I know that I am more than what you saw. Forgiveness is a key part of any relationship, friend or lover. So please, do you have it in your heart to take the blemish and cover? It would be the best day of my life in these past weeks, if I could just call you up and not have to weep. What joy I would be brought to have that person back, who I met between the romantic buildings of Europe. What joy I would be brought to have the person back, who kept me upright in the snow. What joy I would be brought to have that person back, who kissed my tear stained cheeks and held me so close.
Look back, darling. Look back into the past. Look at the picture as a whole. Don’t you wish the same things? Don’t you want to restart? Refresh? Renew?
I know that I do.

The sun broke through the window of that dusty room
Yellow walls and orange bed sheets
Sleep, clouding my eyes as I opened them
to see your body lying next to mine.
What joy it brought to me
to see those freckles dotting your back
I wanted to connect the dots
Draw the constellations
Kiss them in every spot
in That Moment.

The lights turned on and the cabin opened,
the fresh smell of airport washed over me
fluorescent lights guiding my path
to see You.
What joy it brought to me
to feel those butterflies
I wanted to jump into your arms
kiss your face
telling you how much I loved you
in That Moment.

The sun shone in to that darkened room
Bunk beds and snoring siblings
Sleep, clouding my eyes as I yawned awake
to see you next to me, smiling.
What joy it brought to me
to see that smirk on your face
I wanted to fall in the snow all the time
just to have you pick me up
Kissing my cold face
in That Moment.

The clouds gently covered the sun
Sea water, spraying our faces
Bliss and ecstasy filling our souls
to see your hand upon mine.
What joy it brought to me
to see those seals on the shore
I wanted to stay there forever
kissing you on the island
looking at the commitment ahead
in That Moment.
The skies then greyed…so slowly
Darkness covering our hearts
Anger and Remorse filling us
to see your tears and mine.
What sorrow it gave to me
to see us fall apart before my eyes
I wanted to repair it
to be able to kiss you again
without a black cloud hanging
to be able to understand it
in This Moment.

Now, it is quite dark
And I wonder if I will ever

have

That
Moment

If I will ever

have

You

Creating oneself
is the most difficult thing
because sometimes
you must consider another creation
other times
you must consider a created bond.
but what happens when it's
necessary
to create oneself?
What happens when the right person
is there
at the wrong time?
And you still must finish creating
your painting
of golds and blues upon
your flesh?
Continue to paint,
young child
of God.
Continue to paint
upon your heart.
Give yourself to those
colors.
Give yourself to your
calling.
And hang onto the
hand of your beloved.
Kissing it
as your run through fields
of golden dreams
with skies of
indigo, brushed with rose
Light a fire.
Gather round.
Create. Be.

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever" – Gandhi

If I had one wish,
it would be for the sun to never set.
For darkness to never fall on the pale skin of my uncovered body.
For all of life to rely on pure light and never dark.
For my skin to turn bright; rose and tangerine.
Instead of pale, sinking eyes with a translucent scarf of plum
covering my arms and wrapping me in it's embrace.
What would it be like
if roses bloomed purely for the enjoyment of my eye?
instead because it was just "what they did"
What would it be like
if I would bloom purely for the enjoyment of my eye?
instead of blooming for the hand of another.

If I had one wish,
it would be for the grass to turn into a sea
that I could jump into.
evergreen, lemon, and icey...soft waving blades
not cutting, just caressing
as I make my final bows at the edge of my stage.
For darkness to never fall upon my sea of escape
would be bliss.
and my skin would still be ivory with blotches of color.
instead of clothed in royal robes
that are transparent and failing.

If I had one wish,
it would be that my mind could be open to those around me
an open box
to pull out various thoughts, and spoken words
but always keeping the unpleasant ones for myself
locked away in a filing drawer.
locked away from the eyes of my beloved.
The key would be glittering gold and would be kept under my tongue
Until I spit it out onto the grass, blood.
As the night comes again.
Hoping no one will find it.

Kiss me goodbye
Just do it already.
Let me slip through your fingers.
Let me die alone in my bed.
Let me feel nothing again.

Please let me go, if that is truly what you wish.
If you mean it, do it.

Just kiss me goodbye.
Do it already.

You lay perfect across the red sea
Blue and yellow blankets
you're truly all I see

You rise and fall
in deep sleeping breaths

To think...

Two years ago, almost to this very day
we laid together in the dark
And I first admired your body the same way.

I feel my fingers crossing over your shoulder
gliding to your back
And I feel my lips turn colder
as the memory comes back

My desire to touch you burns me
As the sunburn on you
How I wish I could make it better
And, in turn, also kiss it too

To think...

Two years ago my eyes ran along your body
Curiously admiring, loving, learning
And little did I know that today
I would be aching and yearning.

I still remember breathing quietly in the dark
And feeling your body next to mine
And all the time wondering
"Is this comfort a sign?"

From the moment I met you
I knew I loved you for life
From the moment I kissed you
I knew I would be your wife

I remember gazing at your back
and seeing freckles abundant and round
I remember tracing the constellations
and thinking about how I was now bound

Your eyes sparkle with such brilliance and fire
When I look upon you I can't help but admire

To think...

Two years ago we would be here
Almost in the same place
With me gazing upon your body
And me with a smile upon my face

To think...

Two years ago we would be here
Almost in the same place
With you about to pop the question
And I, thinking about being in lace.

We measure the spaces
between    us
by    our     goodbyes
and how I wish you

could hold me as I
collapse into my bed and
cry to sleep

a touch of your hand
a kiss on my lips
a loving embrace

more than ever

every night, I wish we could close our
eyes together

right here with your arms around me
rising bodies
rain

on those window panes, your arm
over my body

night after night
never leave me again
never say goodbye

I love you.

Your chest rises and falls slowly,
to the rhythmic meter in my head.
Slow and silent, you breathe
and I watch you gently fade into your mind.
Safe in your head.
Safe from the world.

My hands gently stroke your cheek
as it is stubbled and soft together
What is our path?
What is our purpose?

Pondering comes with adoration
and looking at you induces a comatose
I become one inside your body
and one inside your mind.

We will walk together in eternity,
if the heavens allow such a fate.
We will create life, see beauty, and comprehend

power.
passion.
pain.
patience.

Over and over again we will experience
and I will forever adore you.
Every night or morning, I'll watch you peacefully be.
And just love you in that single moment
and on.

Every other moment
I think about those times again.

Am I wrong?

Wheezing, I stand before this throne.
Curious as to my position.
Keep me alone
in my disposition.

My body curled up
I don't understand why
Who will I be one day?

With my own?
my own.
my own.

I'm frightened.
Will I act like that?


swipe.
across.
the.
face.

scared.
for.
this.
fate.

It's a choice. It is.

I hope.

Inside my heart is where you live.
I opened it for rent and
You came in and became a tenant.

You cooked meals and the smell
came into my nose.
And you spoke of religion and of space
And you charmed me greatly.

You look at me every time
I
      come
                  downstairs

and you smile in every part of your body.

I realized that you wished to renew your lease
and I was hesitant.
But there, with bended knee, you proclaimed.
And I couldn't say no, because I knew.

You were looking to buy.
You were looking to supply and to give.

And how could I say no...
for you are perfect.
for you are mine.

I will rent my kisses
for the rest of our lives.