I want something that I cannot have. I cannot have it because I don't truly know what it is. I've seen it polished and propped as if it were on display and I've heard the stories of how much time and effort it took to make it look as such. But I want it. I want love. I want the idea of it at least.
I want the fights brought about by events simpler and less important than the time we wasted to have them. I want to be pained by the sight of her pain and know that the feeling of knives piercing my chest when I see her cry is there because I would literally drive them there myself, if only to prevent her tears.
I want our laughs to intertwine over the smallest things and our conversations to stretch our minds over the biggest. I want to see you sleep at night and I'll smile because I know that you're finally at peace. And I want you to smile when you wake up because you know that I'm fighting to make your reality better than your dreams.
I want love. I want romantic love, I want crazy love. I want passion. I want to pick you up in my arms and in that brief present get lost in your presence. I want to be in you when I am in you and have you wish that I would stay forever. I want to be in your heart and mind, and I want our love to be torturous and blind.
I just want love. I want the idea of it at least.

Never a burden let me be
Better to put me in a sack and throw it river deep
Hoard pills and swallow in one go
Or hold down a thick pillow

Never wordless let me be
Rather tap and scratch codes of meaning
Against hard surfaces
Without words I am purposeless

Make tea
Make it gently
Boil fresh cold water
in a kettle without limescale
Prepare leaves
Smell a pinch between fingers
Subtle and clean
Fine wire mesh
Allows steeping
Time on a watch
to prevent stewing
There is no other word to describe
this liquid colour
except golden
feeling

always exciting when angles change
reminds me of how a couple degrees
is all it takes
to tip my brain
into a shriek

what i mean is how precious an elevation
can be to a viewpoint
a sea of heads and bodies and clutched coffee cups
becomes a weaving
a dot matrix scene
all the people stopping and starting
arriving and leaving

go the other way, sit on the ground
lie with eyes sideways
and commune with the goddess of pounding
feet, footsteps and dropped crumbs,
litter and mice hiding behind signs

whatever view i choose
when the time comes to board
i stand, and walk
returning to the level i was born

Oh no a heartbreak! The original heartbreak of the world and I must tell everyone, warn them all about the precipice that exists on the other side of love. They’ll never know if I don’t take off my red petticoat and stand on the tracks waving it, calling bird-voice, ‘Watch out!’
[the train gets nearer]
‘Dear People, I, cloistered soul, fear you have been misled regarding the nature of existence. It is in fact PAIN!’
[the train gets nearer]
‘All the golden days are over since my lover left my arms.’
[the train, you know]
‘Heed my words and do not trust…’

The train runs me over.

Accept, learn to accept
Say ‘acceptance’
Use it in a sentence

Pretend, I can pretend
Talk all sunny
Excellent pretence

Forget, cling to regrets
Could have beens
Stupid remembrance

here’s what i’ll do
a good british thing
i’ll queue
get to the front, lean on the counter
(chipped and worn and scratched formica)
‘One memory preservation order please’
(it always pays to be polite)
‘That’s not how it works, here’s the form’
(form i can)
thankyouthankyouthanksverymuch
many boxes to tick
many scratches to itch
complete finally, submitted with its
appropriate fee
in a few weeks, two or three
i’ll receive
an unbreakable, unviolatable
memory