I’m angry
At everything and myself
I don’t wanna do this **** anymore
This being anything and everything that is involved with being alive
It’s too hard and I give up
I’ve watched so many people just skate by
I continue to watch people do nothing
And have everything
While I do everything
And have nothing
I am bitter
I am hurt
I am mad that no one was there for me
That no one can take care of me
Besides me
I am outraged at my upbringing
Because it’s led me here
It’s brought me over five years of therapy
Countless tears
A level of pain to parenting
And
I’ve lost so much time
Time spent in agony just because I’m alive
So yeah
I’m ******* angry
And trying to be more mindful
Isn’t going to help today

One day my brain will be nice to itself
Instead of rage I will give it a big hug
I’ll be able to apologize for all the years
of mistreatment and sorrow
I will mean it when I say I’m fine
there are no more layers to peel off
no more mysteries to solve
and no more reasons to worry
My mind will be at peace one day
A mantra for me to keep going

I do this thing where
I think I have it
All
Figured
Out
For five minutes
these moments of fleeting in denial
that I have anything I need to work on,
that anything is even wrong with me at all
I’m fine,
I just needed a trim after all
I just needed to talk to that one person
I just needed to take a nap
I just needed a night out
I just
I just
I just
and then the ******* demons crawl right back into my head and I’m like,
there you are

my therapy session was 15 minutes longer than was expected
my therapist was really getting a lot out of me today
even after all these years
when I’m forced to really dissect myself
it’s so uncomfortable
I never cry in front of people
not on purpose
I didn’t today but I felt my throat get tight and my eyes burn a little while words came out of my mouth this afternoon
I think I twisted the black pen in my hand so hard I gave myself a burn
I was trying not to make it obvious that I was bothered
breaking yourself down is vulnerable and feels unnatural when you’re used to no one asking you about yourself
he says the word acceptance a lot and talks about trying to have a more positive inner voice
I see his body slump in a way that’s like a sigh when I agree… but have to add a but…

I had a dream last night
and you were in it
I find it interesting the ones I remember
always involve you
just an interaction
it was a normal day at work
and then we got to talk
that was it
but I felt it even in that other dimension
as I walked away
that it was just
nice to see you

Level 29 has been really hard for me
I can’t seem to get the hang of this game called
Life
I thought by now I would have it more figured out,
I’ve been playing long enough

I think it’s hot
if someone puts in effort
I swear
if someone even tried for me
I would *** in a blink