I meddle with this feeling,

that goes around and around

masking what lies underneath

03.23.20

We've hit the mark
To your tall grave

No plaque
No flowered haze

No ribbon tied on with haste
No mourners getting in late

Sobbing, my mother turned me over to you
Ever so gently you nestled my body into your arms
Silence, I was home

09.14.17

I could be screaming loud enough
to make birds fly from the trees
and still, you would not hear me

12.09.17

We've only had one class together,
just one session
ever since then
you have been teaching me a lesson

I failed the test
even asked permission,
for a retake

I doubt what I want to say to you
before I have a chance to speak

You have me schooled
I had you fooled

Unknowingly sealing my fate
after casting the bait
too late

My excuse for not winning
is that I forgot to vote
even though I wrote
my name out on
over three ballots

I'll keep the game up
letting you believe
my heart isn't kept on my sleeve


11.4.11

You are so tall,
I have to stand on my tippy toes
To reach your lips,
And I can't stop myself from doing this

The need since we've met
And looked into each other's eyes
Has been so strong

Those **** beautiful blues of yours
Have me wilted

I think I want to get away from you,
Then hours pass,
And all I've thought of is you

This feeling has me all caught up,
I want freedom,
But I also want to be in your shower, screaming "yes, please"

It's a killer transition
To what I just let go

An incredible change of scenery,
That I enjoy
A ******* lot

Perhaps happiness is crude
And we just exaggerate it

Perhaps you are hopeless
And you meant it

It could be,
That we just weren't meant to be

Not together,
Not ever

Your passage in my life
Wasn't designed
It was a flaw

We are human
We make mistakes

It's all okay
I've got the same to say about you

You came here
And tried to hide your pride

But I saw the brick in your hand

You can't smash my head in
That is not the design

This thing you have is a sickness

You need help
And I'm not a therapist

I've got a knot in my satchel
It is becoming frayed and torn
There are no needles and thread to sew it back up.
What's next?
Where can we go from here?
If it is a disguise you seek
I've got the right cover
My friends are skilled and
Leave no traces behind
Just lost souls in the abyss

There is not much that I miss
Besides your deep kiss
I need less than nothing from
Your being

The meaning of these words
Are lost on those who believe in
Sanity
And only vague to the insane.

I'm over here
standing on a side street
off in the dirt
looking guilty as sin,
trying like hell to get cell service
out in this miserable rain

I've had two nightmares come true this week,
and I've had enough of this hell

My mind is wrought with the truth of my life,
and it's awful that it's so real

The greatest thing I can see
from finding out these terrible things,
is now I don't have to hide my true self
from your pathetic eyes

I don't have to pretend
that I'm this committed person,
but that I have an unresolved desire
to be admired

That love is enough
if that's what it was,
I have doubts

If you only knew the real me,
you would probably cry
for all this time,
you've never been enough

It's all been a deep deep lie,
seeping its way out

And I cared,
but you're right
not enough to stick around,
and now you are the one
wishing that I would stay in your life

You can't have it all
You can choose only one,
sadly I've learned that the hard way

We could never be friends after that,
you've tainted your image

The illusion that you were this good guy is gone,
all that's left is the reality
that we are all the same,
some of us may bleed more,
and some clot right up,
but we all bleed someday

Give me your etchy sketch
I'll shake it all about
So your future is dim
Plain and pure

Promises should be held with high regard
No resistance at all
Passive stretching assists

In the clouds
The art is written
Like a molded craft
Sitting desolate by the fountain
And the trees

I'm hope bound
******* in transition
Raising arms up with
Slippery doubt
Gripping the wheel
There must be control

Losing it
Will break all molds
The hours of ease
And testy talent
Will be all for naught

I hope it is still there
The spark in the air
The magnetic field surrounding us 

I hope it is still there
The butterflies causing my heart to flutter
The stutter 
I have to withhold 
When you are near

The gazes into your eyes
Before our lips meet 
Again and again
Making it hard for me to breathe

I hope it is still there
In a month's time
When you can be all mine

The scariest photos
Are the ones
Of you and I
Before you became insane 
Rather before I knew it
Witnessed it
And felt it

Looking at them
Gives me shivers down my spine
Like a chill in the air
Causing my muscles to quiver 
As normal people feel
When faced by demons
I feel it only after 
The flame has gone out

I'm looking for real friends
Not ill effects

I don't want your fickle friendship
Where I hold regrets

Getting lost in weekend plans
When I just want to chill on the quiet land
Where the birds are the only noise around

Except when our voices
Compare notes
And we laugh as we pass the roads
That lead to nowhere
And everywhere in between

My bubonic plague,
it's not contagious,
but it's a sickness

The darkness seeps in,
like the bad taste of a pepper
on your skin

It's awful,
and it burns within

The pain is so riveting
I can't help but stiffen,
my muscles are aching

It's such a deep sadness,
sometimes I can't feel it
It's as though I let myself be numb,
only for a little while
then at the most awkward times
I feel it all


10.03.15

My demeanor broke
With that one snap,
It was lost that day
Gone for good

My innocence washed away,
The screams vibrated the walls
Your fists tore into the unfinished paint,
The door snapped
You threw it across the floor
Your anger filled the room
Cast in my direction

The numbers that claimed the house
They were already yellow,
As if it knew something I didn't
That there was only decay inside
That I should have stayed away

I was never the one to fix your pain
I was the battered end of a stick
That you swung at often,
With your broken speak
Your hateful language
Of pain that I never caused

The anger billowed from you
Like a forest fire
Not contained
Never quite contained
To burn
And burn,
The innocence I had before you

I'm going to bury myself a hole
And cower there
For all the things I've done
And who I've become

I want to disappear,
And not face the irreparable damage
That I've prepared

It's a waste land
My mind
My heart,
It's been misguided for a beat too long

I've decided what's best
And now I must carry on

It's the sadness that comes along
Surprising me into thinking
That perhaps I'm wrong,
Perhaps I should entrap myself
In this unhappy jail for a longer sentence

That perhaps my heart is right, and my mind is wrong
That perhaps I'm meant for sadness
That happiness is bad

Cause you said
You said
That I would be dead
Once you leave 
That I would be heartbroken 
But you did not
Did not
Get it right 

I'm more alive 
Free from the constant 
Droning of your voice 
Speaking sarcastic tones 

Those miserable woes 
That I felt rising inside of me
Clawing at my throat to speak
I am free
They are no more 
You cannot control me

Trying not to succumb
to sad thoughts,
when you've had your whole life
ripped apart is hard

It's like trying to recreate
a famous piece of pottery
that you've broken,
and the artist is dead

It simply can't be set back
just the same way,
there will be missing parts
and some that won't match
the other pieces,
like a puzzle

That seems to be how life is,
it appears as though we can
repair what's been broken,
but sometimes
it just can't be done

Sept. 16. 2015. 11:00 PM

Gotta love,
how all dem taxes
get taken out ya funds
given to those
with no income,
those who choose to feed
off our *****
like the young

I hate you here
I hate you there
I wish not to hate
because I am not one to hate,
but I think about you
way too much
for someone that no longer cares

I think how you were,
the things you asked of me

The things that were said,
the things you screamed,
the pain you charged at me

I still walk by that picnic table
and think of that night
you chased me down
when I wanted to leave

I still look at that park
and think of those nights
full of tears and anguish

The stars we walked under,
barely visible
as if even they knew,
the end was near
the moon shined down a perfect light
for our shadows to leap on

I still drive by that path we walked,
the time you told me things you've
not admitted to others before me

I remember thinking then
that you were a complete mess,
and not mine to fix,
but still,
it was so very hard to let go

It still is,
and after the time that has gone by
I saw your car just the other day
It just set me ablaze

You ruined so many things for me,
you laid out these lies
that I was supposed to trust
you laid out your fear,
your anger
that you held onto deeply
the past,
ours and yours
it rang inside of you like a bell
billowing out like a nuclear blast

I wasn't sure of you at first,
you were adamant
you were misleading
you were comforting,
but the things you became
riveted me in such a way
that I haven't been able to overcome

I'm guilty of a lot things,
but with you I was better

I needed time to become that way
I needed time to heal from the loss I had before you

I wasn't given that time,
and we see the results now

We see the results of two people,
claiming honesty
and getting lies

I do a lot of thinking
A lot of feeling
A lot of living for others
But what…
Have I done for myself?
Consideration for others is one thing
Consideration for oneself is another

That girl with the burn
Had the prettiest face under the sun
I would never have guessed
That she had such a disfigurement
Permanently on her arm

Her eyes were brilliant
Like dragonflies
Flying about in the sky

Wings of color
Fluttering in those eyes
I tell ya

Who would have known
That even I
Have had some work done

Cosmetically,
I have been altered
By some pretty ingenious doctors

My eyes and my smile
Are a result of new science
That was
Well constructed and performed
By those
Who have earned
The green paper
We like to burn.

The dam broke Wednesday
The salty liquids rushed out of my eyes 
For an hours worth road trip 
Only for shame 
Did it cease 
Forcing laughter
Wishing for some kind of peace 
Understanding from my quiet soul
From his heart, maybe he could 
Tear me apart
Analyze my insides
And repair the damage 
That has been wrought upon me 
Over these couple decades of life 
That I've lived

I am repulsed
By my **** poor dimly lit fire
Couldn't I have done better 
Couldn't I have scavenged the woods
Until I found a reasonable amount of fuel to keep this fire alive
Couldn't I have...

I hate to think of that day
And the way I felt pain
Upon my face

I heard the crunching of your fist
That day much like today
Sticks in my mind like glue
That day I couldn't hurt you

Blood ran off your hand
Silently mumbling profanity
I slipped over to the vanity
To disguise the mess
And make you bleed less

What were you thinking?
Screaming
Punching at mirrors
Never stopping to think
Of the way my heart crashes
Every time that twinkle
In your eye
Loses light

Self conscious, paranoia
That's all I see
In my sight
When walls are breaking
From your strong might

Aug 9. 2011

I'm a clean disease,
I attach to you
In a sly way

You don't realize you've been poisoned,
In your veins
In your heart

You don't notice,
That your blood pours out
Lining the tiles of the bathroom floor

You don't see,
The way your skin yellows
Creating your jaundice complexion

You don't hear,
Your breath as it catches
Due to the smoke filling your lungs

You don't feel,
Your heart as it...
Slows down...every minute
Of everyday
The sound of each beat, deafening

I'm a creeping disease,
The symptoms sneak,
They sneak up on you

Breaking you, slowly
Breaking you down
Until you're crashing

All your bones are snapping
Your heart can't take it
It stops,
You eyes rolls back in your head
And you're gone

All that you were is in the past
And I've won
I've beaten the sickness of love

I see you there, hey
Wasting your life away
Smoking that pipe up
Till you have hit the tip of the notch
To the very last drop

Not a care, not from you
No, the world you live in
Is quite barren
Rotted with layers of filth

I feel like you are less likely
To be loved or abused
This can be good for you

In your steady decline
Daily intoxication
Is not fine

You unfortunate man
Sobbing into your hair
While it rains
Nothing left but a beer
I hope you will change
Give greater care to
What is out there

Step onto your porch
Head to church
Send a prayer
To all who say Sir

You can be a great man
If you put down that can
Come right here lad
Confess your sins
Lean by the chair
Up there, near the front
The crowd will combust
Burning you in your lust


Jul 15. 2011

I feel detached,
Detached like dried glue
From you

I feel abandoned,
Left out in the woods
On a cold miserable night
Left alone,
To my own devices

You're consumed in nonsense
You don't speak

I'm here
As I've been
Cold and alone

Yet you don't reach for me
You don't seek me out

You've become a robot in the modern world
While I'm here, waiting for warmth from your words

I'm hearing silence
Bitter silence
My insides are freezing now
I'm succumbing to frost bite
My body can't survive

You've left me alone
For far too long
I'm dying now
Without your words of warmth
Your actions lack what I need
I can't survive here

Did you forget
I held your keepsake 
I held it as you walked away
Held it quietly 
Keeping it safe
For the day you come back to me

In some dark part of me,
I believe it true
That you really loved me
And did not treat me wickedly 

That you didn't leave scars 
For everyone to see

That the night,
You lit my face on fire
Was all a lie
A terrible dream
That could never happen to me 

Oh, did you forget?
Your cruelty 
The pain 
The torment that your screaming
Put me through

It's dreadfully cold,
down here at the end of this well
I'm wishing that someone would come by,
and bring me back up to the surface,
but here it is,
the rain has begun
to come my way

As if, I needed anymore
gloom in my day,
the rain has really settled
it's way down
bringing a chill to my spine

I've already fallen down so far,
it's little bit lonely,
here below the ground

I can't even see the sky,
it's so dark,
as if there was a black sheet of smoldered smoke
rising up from the water at my feet
knocking out the light

I found my way here,
by mistake

I had intended for much more,
than this hate

It's erupted to the point
that I have to live in this
emptiness,
down beneath the land that I know
down so far,
where no angels would sleep

09.17.15 12:17 AM

I thought this would be easier,
being that I have been unhappy for so long

The memories pour in
like a bad case of diarrhea

It disgusts me
that I spend anytime at all
Thinking that,
what we had wasn't so bad

I have spent countless moments
Pushing the merry-go-round
in my head, until I'm dizzy
And unable to stand on my own

The other day,
I wrote some pretty sappy ****
about our future

Like we really ever had that desire
I honestly couldn't say I aspired
for us to be one with each other

I've been fighting this inner struggle
For years, that I need to find a way
to solve our problems,
but the solution was always this one

I must fight to stay apart from you

I never truly let you in,
but I did get used to your presence in my life

Your dull, blue presence
That quenched any fire I tried to start

You used to go on about the most ridiculous things 
And then you would tell me you love me
You used to tell me all the things that you wanted me to change 
And then you would tell me you love me
You would get drunk 
Black out and do foolish things
And then you would tell me you love me
We wouldn't talk for days
You kissed another babe
And then you tell me you love me

I'm not sure what set off your twisted rage 
But you nearly broke my leg
And then you told me you love me 

I'm deeply set in my ways 
No one gets to keep the change 
Especially a boy not fit for the stage

Just the other day 
You said hey
And didn't tell me you love me
My greatest hope is that it will stay that way
Even less than a hey would be nice for me

I never felt so alone in life
Before I met you
I lay next to you at night
And I feel blue
I cry sad tears sometimes
Because you're so subdued

I lose my happy smile at times
When I hear nothing from you

The constant thoughts I have
That this is not really you
That you will improve
They aren't true

I'm alone with you
I'm empty
My excitement is extinguished
When I see you sitting there expressionless
Wordless, you have nothing to say
As usual, I have to fill in the blanks

I'm following in my own footsteps,
Repeating history
You'd think it was a joke
If I told you the whole truth

My tales are like a really ****** up television show
It's hard to say what motivates me
Other than lust,
And a need for love

I can't say that I regret what I've done
I've had quite a lot of fun

But I've wronged a few men in my day
Gave them every reason to run
They return, simply yearning for more
Until I tell them, they aren't the chosen one

It's rough, I know I've been bad
I've been awful

I do feel sorry for hurting anyone,
But **** I never told them to feel any emotions for me
I just wanted to have a little fun
Be carefree

And maybe that's my issue
I show my true colors to those who I fancy for a moment
But I don't want more than a few rolls in the hay,
A warm night atop some young stud

This seems to get them all excited
As if I am always down for a good time
As if I never have my bad days
As if I could carry us through a field full of freshly blooming daisies every day of our lives

These guys are dreaming
If they believe that

I'm just around for the moment
I'm not here to plant seeds

I wanted to write a poem
That showed all my pain

I wanted to write a poem
That you could frame

In your living room
Next to the mirror
That shows your rapid weight gain

I'm in love with the spitting image of a man
A man who isn't quite full grown
He still has some wishing
And some learning to gain in his life
And ain't no one to blame
But his past enamored self

What he once was,
Is lost
Truth be told
A door locked to his past
Is best

But for now
I'm in his life
Fully alive, and sober
We both are

It's enthralling
The smiles we bring to one another
The joy I feel in my heart

And oh look,
It's a new year

What more could there be,
That this new year could bring
*He already means so much to me

Here I am,
reminiscing of times I've spent with you,
journeys we have taken
moments we have shared

I was simply unaware
of what was to come,
of how my mind would consume me,
and only let me see one side,
to the story of our life together

It's all jumbled up,
in photos
those times that I can see clearly now

It's as if I was looking at us
through a foggy glass
Unappreciative of the comfort,
the safety,
and the love

I fear,
it cannot be undone

But, I sigh
it's a great relief to have loved

Been reading poems lately
And they've led me to thoughts of you
Memories just came up
Of all that you wrote
In my high school yearbook

I write often now
Not sure if you were aware
I wrote back there
There, then back when
We were a pair

I hope this does not muck up
Your day
My plan is just to
Open up
And breathe

Past feelings have come up
Due to these memories
That I have stirred awake

I made plenty of mistakes
Of that, I am sure you know
All I hope for now
Is for your intelligence
To be brought out
And shown to the world
Because I always listened when you spoke
Words on the phone
Or those that were on paper

You've got quite a rhyme scheme
You always were so clean
Often just stepping out of the shower
It seemed like, walking towards me

In the airport
You held such a handsome smile
Blue eyes that could shine for miles

We never used to let go
Not back then
We would hold tight
With an iron grip hold
Breaking briefly to make a mold

Cried tear after tear
Back then
Those days long gone

He came from a broken home
Bludgeoned with a rather large stone
Never thought he would be able to heal
And enjoy his last meal

But God spoke
God put forth the means to survive
God brought him back to life

This bat
Might do the trick?
I'm thinking it,
Will be wise
That I
Buy,
A wicked disguise
Keep it subtle

I won't be here to decorate
So there won't be scary masks
Just lots of praise
To congratulate
For my good display
Of bones
How easy they are to break
Hearts,
How easy they are to smash
Brains,
How easy they are to mold
Figures,
How easy they are to frame

Perhaps the next weapon
Of choice could be,
A bullet
To harm the mind
Of all people

Explode the suffering
We try to gasp ahold of

Afterwards all people
May be free
To decompose
With no woes

I can be blunt
And distasteful 
In your face
Like a disease

I can be sick
And morbid
Blood pooling 
Into a puddle
At my feet

I can be cheery
And bashful
With sunshine
Coming out my ears

I can be all 
That you need
If only you could see

I cannot stop 

The pressure
Of these thoughts 
Are weighing down on me

Pushing me under
Plunging me into the deep
I'm drowning in these thoughts
That I keep having of you 

I cannot fathom
Why I am so unglued
I cannot speak of these things
You abandoned me
Only to expect a full recovery, 
From me
The degree to the level of pain
That you caused
Ranks higher than the fog 
Above the treetops 

I gave up

Lost the thought
That we could be 
Together as one

I blocked off
All emotions that would not repair

This ability
May seem to make me appear 
Transparent 
Heartless and icy
But this is simply my protection mechanism 
Fit for an army
That has built up over time
To fight off my enemy
And protect the treasure
That is within me

So yes,
Regretfully I cannot stop
Thinking of you.

I forget
the kind words that
you've spoken to me
before on this very dock
as the birds make their sound

Once you've brought out
your angry grimace,
and you've said things that
are as cold as the water beneath us

I brought us here
to repair what's become
broken, but as I write this
I realized I've been here before

Not the same location,
but the same pain

02.23.16

Let me sit here
Alone
With my pen

Let me become
Consumed in my thoughts
So much so that
I don't here the "hello"
From the friendly fellow
Bicycling on the trail behind me

Let me boil in rage
Grasping onto anything
Trying to let it all seep out slowly
I'll manage
If you just let me

Let me lose my reality
So I can become anew
Empty slate
Free to coagulate
Become thick with hate

maybe love isn't enough 
this feeling 
this feeling of distrust
detachment 
and lust

I give,
         I give 
I've given 
          I gave

Withering here now,
I am innocent babe

this love ain't enough

I hide it
like the clouds hide the moon

I hide it
so I can pretend that I'm sunshine
instead of gloom

09.28.20

He's so peaceful
While I'm so full of rage
I'm trying to fight a war
That I've never won

A war before his time
Started nine years ago to be exact

I lost a huge part in the fight back then,
Something I didn't realize
Would affect my world today

It wasn't a fair fight
I was so young, so naive
Even though I believed I was grown,
That I was strong

I realize now, I was weak
I let myself get trampled
I let myself lose

The loss is still going strong
I fake strength
But I'm as weak, if not more than before

I need peace
I need to accept the loss
I need to move on

I need to let myself break down the wreckage
That has slowly destroyed me

These secrets I keep,
Are hidden behind an invisible thread
That I've woven around me

This thread,
Tightly securing
All that I hold deep

The world may creep up on me,
Cast out shadows
That ordinarily...would cause a girl to scream

But, I'm not afraid of the dark
I'm not afraid of much of anything
Other than, letting him see the real me

My *****, gritty insides
The scars that never healed

The decomposing lies
The dust that flickers past my eyes
The ghosts that haunt my mind

It's dark, it's morbid
Maybe too frightening for anyone to see

For once,
I want to rip the thread to shreds
Let the darkness seep out of me,
Like blood in the morgue

I want to bury my fear,
In a deep grave

Lock it up in a tomb,
Bar the doors so I can't look back

I want to show him who I am
Through unfiltered means
Without fear,
Of what could be.

It's hard with you being away
I want to enjoy the day,
but I can't knowing this pain

I lay here,
just typing these words
like it will somehow delay
what is to come of us

I swear, I haven't strayed
and that's been hard to say
for others before you

Things with us
have been like fire and ice
and I've personally liked it that way

I've never felt so warm,
and so cold at the same time

Clashing over and over
we are broken souls, and yet

I've never felt such ecstasy,
my level of pleasure
has never been so high
not with anyone, ever

If there was such a time
in my life
to forgive someone,
the time is now

It escapes me,
the reasons to hate you
It escapes me,
the reasons to latch on
to what's been done
to what's been discovered
emptied, and won

It's my birthday
I'm a year older today,

It's all going by so quickly
My life is sprinting

It has been four years since my family split
The separation of it
Still doesn't fit

I still get upset on major holidays
When I have to choose which one to visit

I still hate the negative tone
When I hear my Father say my Mother's name,
As if speaking of her in a positive way
Would **** him

I'm older today,
Yet, I'm still broken
I'm a clay *** shattered
On the tile floor

I'm still missing some pieces
That fell behind the door

I'm still in shock that I'm twenty-four

Yet, I'm alive and well
I'm young, and breathing...
Although, just barely
The pollen suffocating me

I'm free to be me
I'm not tethered to a pole
I'm not chained to a cell
I'm not knocking on the gates of hell

I'm free
I'm young
It's my birthday today,
I might as well celebrate

It's tragic
Negativity and lack of trust
from people I once knew
has dripped deep into my veins
like a slow virus,
set to explode.