Don't tell me to get of my phone and play hopscotch in the wilting paddy fields across the house
the same paddy field that decorated the chest of every newspaper last Thursday, written across the title  in bold; 6 year old girl strangled to death

don't tell me to get off my couch and try make some friends
the same friends that got my neighbour's daughter gangraped at her sixteenth birthday party

don't tell me to only fall in love with a person of the opposite gender,
not after hearing the screams of the lady across these cracked walls, whom as usual would make excuses to cover up the reasons behind the galaxy toned punch scars across her no longer smooth skin, a result of being beaten up by her drunk husband each night

don't tell me writing isn't going to get me anywhere, that only science will, not after you've seen me bleed across these pages trying to make you understand my passion and love for writing & trust me when I say these numbers & stupid scientific terms will never be able to diffuse into my numb skull the way these lovely letters  have

don't tell me that the numbers written on one piece of paper that is graded by a person who probably had a million and one reasons to make me fail, defines  my intelligence, not after looking at that girl from high school who failed  her maths & ended up becoming a world renowned poet

don't tell me that it's right to hate a person because they were born a shade darker than I am, not after the person who saved my life that summer night I was sprawled across the bathroom floor, overdosed on drugs, was 'fifteen shades darker' than me

don't tell me that I don't have a right to stand up to you because I'm younger than you, not after a 50 year old man ***** his 12 year old student; in no way does your age define your maturity

and dear generation X & Y,

don't tell me what is wrong and right, for I am old enough to face the consequences of my actions, for there is no way I will learn without making mistakes,

and dear generation  X & Y,


we'll show you how life should be lived.

Thank you, sit down.

it  makes me so sad that we're  falling apart it makes me so sad that these changes are making me lose my mind it's making me so sad that I miss you every single day of my life and there's nothing, just nothing I can do to convince myself that I'll be next to you sometime soon it makes me so sad that these changes are making me lose everything that I thought I had figured out it makes me so sad that I don't have a backbone to stand up and face all this myself it makes me so sad that I'm so dependent it makes me so sad to be away from people I love the most it makes me so sad that there's no place else I can break down without feeling weak and inferior it makes me so sad that I feel like I'm losing myself it makes me so sad that
there's no life within these four walls it makes me so sad that I've forgotten what pain felt like because you took it all away and it makes me so sad that I've lost my ability to be numb and it makes me so sad


because despite being sad I will continue putting on this facade
I will lie to myself until I believe I am truly happy
and I will do whatever it takes to get where I want to be

sitting here in the dark
i silently stare at my laptop screen
no, it isn't brighter than the way my future will turn out


this is me,
after months and months of deceiving myself
only trusting the stupid, stupid definitions of happiness that I had locked within my head

i have gotten over myself


i can be happy just because i choose to be
i can not care about everything any of you have to say about me just because i choose not to
i can only move in by chanting the words & the names of people who make me forget what it's like to feel alone


this is it,
it's my turn to be happy and
no one,
is ever going to be able to take this away from me


.

I am writing this letter to you up above,
To tell you how much I miss you,
I still don't know the reason why you had to leave,
It just wasn't fair.

I am now left with this sorrow,
Along with so many others who love you just as much as I do,
Oh how I wish to see you,
To touch your face,
To laugh with you and your jokes
One Last Time.

Everyday I hear you whisper in my thoughts,
I feel you around me,
I feel your presence every minute of the day,
But I know you live on,from those lives you have touched.

I know someday I'll see you again,
But for now,I'll keep you close to my heart,
Keep you safe

Until then..
Always remember that,
You were and still always be loved.

(01/01/2015)

It is unfair how the girl who died of cancer is given more recognition than one who died of heartbreak it is unfair how the boy who died because he was bullied is given more recognition than the boy who died because everyone around him was too blind to realize how alone he was feeling it is unfair that the girl who choked on bleach was given a memorial all across the globe and the girl who choked on years that September night still remains a Jane Doe to most of us it is unfair that the woman who died protecting her son from her abusive husband is cared for more than the woman who died trying to make sure her baby gets out of her womb safe and sound it is unfair that the father who died being stabbed by his son who wasn't mentally stable is given more recognition than the father who died trying to make sure there was food on the table for his family it is unfair how the people who die with a sad story are made famous compared to the ones who died trying it is unfair how we select who's death goes viral and who's doesn't it is unfair to judge a dead person based on their status, materials, wealth and everything else that is temporary


But most of all?
It is unfair to serve justice to someone only after they are gone, forever

This is a note to everyone,
It's words I could never bring myself to say,
And my invisible shield being ripped away willingly.
It's emotions I was too afraid to show,
And now I bring them forth for each and every single one of you who feasted your fiery eyes upon every word that came out of the deepest valleys of my worn out soul.

To the ones I've loved & lost,
Every one of you thought me different things
Some of you were blessings,
Some of you were curses,
I'm sorry I couldn't keep you in my life,
But I hope you found people that could.

To the ones I've ignored & deleted,
I wish I never met any of you,
For the pain and despair you made me feel,
For the regretful decisions you made me make,
But I wish the best for all of you,
I hope you achieve your dreams and see the light, in the places where darkness was all I felt.

To the ones I love & adore,
I don't know what I'd be without any of you,
Thank you for being my rock,
For always guiding me and filling me with laughter,
For making sure I never go back to being who I was,
I hope to never misplace any of you while searching for some of my missing pieces to fill this puzzle I started making, 17 years ago.

To the ones I've forgotten & ignored,
I hope you know how tremendously sorry I am,
I didn't make the decision,
I ran out of options.
Think about where were you when all I needed was to feel wanted,
Think about the day you told me I was part of you,
Only to find out that you lied; the very next day,
I hope you find better people that will fall for your venomous words that still pierce through every vein in my aching body, as I struggle to find freedom; in what used to feel like home.

To everyone I have met,
To the words that shifted my perspectives,
To the waves that churned my thoughts,
To the strangers I failed to have gotten to know,
To the strangers that I used to know,
To the strangers that now are; everything I am made of






I only have two words;

*Thank you.

You wanna know what it's like to love?
When you feel so lost in time and every second that's passing feels so unreal?
You wanna know what it's like to feel like choking on tears at 3 in the morning?
When time refuses to pass and every second feels like a ticking atomic bomb?
You wanna know what it feels like to be ripped off your sanity?
You wanna know what it feels like to have *** for the first time?
You wanna know what it feels like to try so hard and fail?
You wanna know what it feels like to fall out of love and experience the kind of sadness you never thought you'd feel?
You wanna know what it feels like to be kissed in every spot that drives you insane?
You wanna know what it feels like to have someone talk about you behind your back?
You wanna know what it feels like to smile like nothing has happened?
You wanna know what it feels like to get wasted on your birthday?
You wanna know what it feels like to have cigarette smoke filling your airways?


Then you **** right feel it.
Then you **** right experience it.
Then you **** right give yourself a chance.

By the time you're 20,
No one gives a **** if you're a ******,
No one gives a **** if you were the top student in '09
No one gives a **** if you were so drunk you couldn't remember your own name
No one gives a **** if you were so choked by cigarette smoke you thought you were suffocating to death
No one gives a **** if you almost rammed into a tree on your 16th birthday
And sure as hell,
No one gives a **** because let me tell you this.


It is your **** life,
*So you **** right do whatever the hell you want to do.