I'm very tired
And it's very late at night
My thoughts keep me up
It's getting harder to fight

I think about my failures
And everything I've done wrong
How I **** everything up
It's all a familiar song

My words are getting literal
I can't disguise my guilt
The hatred for myself
In every direction it's built

Well rhyming gets so hard
When I try to write my mind
Because I'm unable to find the words
That could shed light

Even without a rhyme or a rhythm I find it hard to articulate these dangerous thoughts I have. As many writers do, we have this sense of frustration because no combination of syllables can really portray the emptiness and sadness that lives in us. Styron called it "melancholia", but not even that will suffice.

I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

Relapse and rewind
This happens every ******* time.
I've been neglecting the drugs,
The ones that were supposed to save me.

They only make it worse
Make me feel more crazy.
But when the time comes
Where my tide breaks
I cannot hold my ground.
The monsters come to me
With deafening sound.

Whispers from malevolent lips
Sound so sweet.
Like candy for my starving soul.
And soon I'm on that sugar high.

Rushing cherry red
It's got such a lovely flavor.
Feeds my hunger
Satisfies my thirst.

It won't be long
Before I'm back for more.

I've been laying in bed for hours
Pretending you were still here
With your arms wrapped around me
Whispering how much you love me
In my ear

I do this every night
Curl up to your ghost
Pretend you never left
Because I needed you the most

And I still need you
Because every day it gets harder to breathe
You filled my lungs with air
I didn't want to leave

But it hurt too much to be without you
And I knew love was dangerous
But just like you said
It's socially acceptable madness

Well I'm out of my mind
Completely off the rails
But it never bothered you
And I let this love fail

My teacher told us to draw
A place where we feel safe
I drew myself in your arms.

I've written about the wind
More than countless times.
I've always been so envious
Of it's freedom.
But now more than ever
The jealousy burns me

The air
How it moves and turns
It's free
And it can touch you.
It gets to brush those lips I miss,
And swirl around in your lungs.

It's ubiquitous limbs
Brush up against your arms
And weave between those fingers
it can hold your hands like I used to
it can do everything I can't.

but what I'm most covetous of
how it can watch you
and rest it's head against you
how it can twist in between the cracks in your smile.

the wind is my enemy
she is the temptress that mocks me
she laughs while I cry
because she lives in your lips
and you have no idea

A hug is so rare
The kind that can make you smile
And make you feel safe.

When I open up my thoughts and confide in you,
I'm not looking for a solution,
Or for anyone to fix me
I'm looking for a hug.

Because like you said
You're not my psychiatrist
Not my husband
You're just a boy.

And boys will come and go
None of them can fix me
I have to fix me
But all I wanted was a hug

Wanted to feel safe
Wanted to know you cared
But if you can't do that
Than I guess this is where we must part
And I will miss you.

I will miss dancing in your basement
Playing with your gecko
Listening to your thoughts
And what you have to say

Sometimes you don't make sense
But that's okay because it makes sense to you
And if you need someone to listen
I'll be here
And if you ever need a hug
I guess I'll show you the compassion
That you couldn't show me