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Liz Mar 2014
the terror your eyes make me feel,
is unmatched by any physical danger.
no height nor fire could make me shake and drip like you do

and I suppose it's not your fault,
but I sleep in oceans and mediate on dancing.
your smile makes me fear for my life
and your touch makes me want to die

but please don't blame yourself baby
for you can't be held responsible for the tempest, she follows me
and this fleeting kiss has been an unmitigated dream.

but lastly that voice
oh that voice,
the one i could listen to for years
is but a siren song
leading me to the rocks where i am foreordained to capsize
This is kinda about how being attached to someone makes me feel like a ******* idiot and makes me terrified that they'll leave
Liz Mar 2014
My therapist says i need to be honest
i need to tell everyone the truth
about how i feel
what goes through my mind.

im so lonely and distant
and the only way to get close
is to be honest.
but i cant
im not sure why i cant

i cant tell him how im dying inside
i smile and blow a kiss
but i have killed myself a thousand times
in my mind

"surface relationships"
thats what she calls them
doctor know it all
doctor get inside my head
doctor please fix me

maybe im just a freak
she tells me not to say that
but the idea of letting someone see  my pain
is so terrifying

anyone whose seen me bleed
tried to stitch me up
stop the gore
or brush me off

and i cant do it again
i cant get close
once i do
they disappear
even if they didnt want to
they were gone

and sometimes im the one who leaves
i dont know why that is either
because im just a freak

i bat my lashes
and put on my red lipstick
smile and laugh
like a babbling idiot
when all i want to do is die
and i dont know why
Liz Mar 2014
Tell me all the things I want to hear,
Lie to me so I may rest easy.
I'll tell you you're the only one,
Than laugh about you when you're gone.
I push away your adoration and affection
Just to feel some power over my fickle heart.

Colorful creature, show me how to move
My envy drips from fingertips
When I watch you dance
It makes me laugh.

And you got such a pretty face,
The kind that could make angels cry.
Your eyes keep me up at night,
Thinking about how lovely it would be
If I was the one dancing behind them.
Baby do you think of me as much as I think of you?

The night captures my attention
When the sun forgets to shine.
We must learn to dance in graveyards,
To spin and twirl to the music of our madness.

Insanity so beautiful and easy,
So listen to your voices
And expel all your demons
I haven't been writing much lately. My inspiration is running dry
Liz Feb 2014
Air
oh sweet love,
with those long arms that once held me so gently
now push me away.
but i'm holding on to you so tightly.
no one else really matters,
and without you i'm so alone.

this existence is now so bittersweet.
i still get to breathe,
but not the air beside you.
the air i thirst for and crave,
it tastes like heaven.

but if you must go,
than i will miss you.
all of me will miss you.
i will feel this agonizing loneliness,
in all the pores of my skin
in all the crevices of my bones,
and the tunnels of my veins.

because you have become a part of me,
your breath was absorbed into mine when we kissed.
but now you have ripped this breath right out of my lungs,
and i am left gasping for your air.
my body is so incomplete without you.

i know i am the one that first walked,
but i tried so hard to come back.
now i know how it feels,
to be rejected
by your love.  

i feel myself gripping to the walls of this canyon
my nails making trails as i hold on for dear life
but i have fallen without a parachute
or a net
and now my wings are gone.

i will probably die without
you
Liz Feb 2014
They say we have these anchors
They drown us out at sea
But this chain bound tight to my ankle
Is not fastened to a weight.

It just keeps going
Link by link
It has no end
No beginning

I was born into this aquatic life
From my earliest days
I was held underwater
And each day on has added to my chain

Not like the chain of Jacob Marley
In Dickens' tale,
Not forged by greed
But birthed from every thought
That I cannot forget
And every blow to my persistance
I have ever recieved

It all stays with me
And we each have these chains.
But most grow gills
And sprout fins.
And learn to swim .

But here I am.
Still drowning.
Liz Feb 2014
I have a lot to say
But my voice breaks under the weight of these words.
I have no sounds,
No syllable,
That can comprehend the complexity of my thoughts.
They don't make sense
Not even to me
Every jumbled up mess of a notion
Swims around in this clouded abyss.
For a long time I put on this facade,
This mockery of the truth.
I tell you I'm happy
I tell you it's because of you.
But nothing can save me from drowning
From the fire
From the storm .
And I'll tell you I love you
Because it's what you want to hear.

I don't tell you how I wake up from nightmares,
Terrified and out of breath.
Only to crawl my way to the sink and
Disappoint you with what I'm about to do
I take them
I take them all
One by one I count them as I swallow
It makes me laugh it makes me smile.
It makes me cry because the drugs don't make up for a lack of feeling
They do not fill me with the fancy yet crippling ideal light that they told me about.
They just remind me of my loniness

These jumbled up notions scream
They cry
They laugh
I'm drowning
But you can't save me and I'll tell you I can
Because it's what you want to hear
Liz Jan 2014
If these walls would talk,
About a hardened heart,
That pumps boiling blood.
And eyes that wandered.
And a terrible, horrible mind.
They would tell you that a light is hard to find
When you're consumed by emptiness

They've seen me sit in front of the mirror,
At ungodly hours of the night
And cry and scream and pray.

They've seen me try to shake myself from my inward terror.
Try to convince myself that it's not real,
They're not real,
The monsters aren't real.

They've heard me scream
"Get out of my head!"
At the mirror trying to reach what lived inside of me.
They've watched me scratch at my skin,
Trying so hard to get whatever demon that had possessed me out so I could face it.
And tell it to go back to hell.

And if I could talk back to these walls,
Id tell them they are my best friends.
The only ones that have ever seen the dark sides that I have so kept hidden and laughed about.
But they were the only ones that heard me cry and they are the only ones that know what I've done at those ungodly hours.
How I tortured myself,
How I called some stupid help line because I didn't have anyone to call.
I've been so lonely and I can now understand why,
No person will ever be close enough to see what they have seen.
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