i don't like myself like this
i feel useless to those around me
like a burden and a neusence.

even when he tells me he loves me,
i find reasons why he can't possibly
or give excuses in my head why he'd say such a thing.

i don't like that i tell myself all these things daily,
but i don't think i'm worth fixing my mental thoughts for.

my sensitivity lately, my anxiety, my depressed days,
i feel like a mess.

i know God uses us,
brokenness and all,
but it feels terrible.

i feel unmotivated,
undeserving of love,
a *****-up,
a burden after all.

fear
panic
danger
get out.

heart racing,
can't catch my breath,
hand rubbing against my thigh repeatedly,
pulling my knees up to my chest and holding my body so tight, it hurts,
i can't think logically, only fear and loss of control ensues.
my own thoughts tear me apart and scare me.

the only real danger is in my thoughts,
so how do i get out?

when he gets frustrated and looks at me like that
rolls his eyes,
pushes me away,
i get scared he'll be like my dad.

i watched my mom pour out her heart and soul for years
just to love my dad

i dont want that

sometimes i wonder if im even meant to be in a relationship
im a sensitive and empathetic soul
i hurt easily
i overthink easily
i love easily
i'll love til i'm all out
where's the line?

Long-standing traditions, nowhere to be seen
Parents separated by an ocean,
I'm grateful for the family and friends I do have,
but this Christmas just doesn't feel right.

Where are the Christmas markets?
Where is that joy I've felt every other year?
Where is that sense of wonder and hope?
Where is the laughter and freezing of fingers?
Where are all the things I remember that always made up my Christmases?

I seek to always be grateful for what I have,
but the truth is,
this is hard.
and maybe that's okay to admit

give it a name,
makes it all too real.
is it true?
is that really what it was?
i was too young and didn't know different
is that what happened to me?
whats the difference if I accept this name into my life or dismiss it?

Lord, watch over my heart.
Right my mind, if it wonders.

Lord, I pray this man is of You if he is for me.
God, keep my heart pure and righteous as I get to know his heart.
Father, help me be watchful of his actions and fair and just, not letting my heart be swept away by fleeting things.
Lord, I pray this is something true and different and pure and good.
God, I pray you keep us in your hands and keep us safe.
Father, keep us pure and holy, blameless before your eyes.

Lord, I know he loves you.
It's evident in everything he does.
He loves all these kids so well.
He is hard working and always willing to serve.
He is loyal to those he loves.
He trusts in you, Father.
He is bold and confident in you.
He's not afraid to lead and to speak his mind.
He is a thinker, and he carries a deep heart.
But somehow he keeps the room light-hearted, always, with his humor.

God, make it evident to us both if this is a gift from you.
Father, lead us to make good decisions and to be wise.
Lord, keep us safe and pure and honest.
God, we trust in You to lead us in Your marvelous ways.