I remember a time when he would come home.

And i remember that, you must stand at the door and welcome him home like you are happy, don't forget to be happy.
Tea was always ready and the house would be clean and tidy because it should be, you wanted it to be, and woe betide you if it wasn't.
And then, when tea was finished, he wanted his beer and the tv on
and now you mustn't talk because you shouldn't.
So the kitchen was tidied and everything was just so..
you mustn't forget to make it just so.
But you know the time is coming where the beer is all gone and the match would be lost and the anger would flare.
That's when you want to become invisible but you can't
because he needs to punch something and well..
you're as good as any door.
So after the room was cleaned up and the broken glasses and lip was put away, it was time for bed..
And you can't pretend to be asleep because that doesn't count
as a no.

Thankfully there was a little glow in the dark star on the ceiling you could look up at and wish upon it that you weren't in this room, in this bed right now. I think the people who lived there before left it behind. I knew that if i moved i would take it with me.

And the need to run was immense. But there was no where to go and nobody knew and, after all, it was the way of things, don't complain.. it could be worse.. remember that.. it could be worse.. he said.

I often dreamed of a tiny little bed all of my own with fairy lights and my own place to put my books, but that would have to wait as now is not the time to think of such a silly notion. Stupid ***** that you are.

And so each and every night, i painted the roses red.. so i didn't loose my head.

And running wasn't really an option because, contrary to popular opinion, that is harder than you think.. after all... this was normal and... this is just what happens and... this is just one of those things and... **** it up buttercup, now clean the house again you stupid ****.

And in the gaslighting, which burned very bright, you would have enough of a glow to paint the roses red.
Perfectly red, everyday they would have to be red.

And life carried on for years like this and my friend, the little glow in the dark star and i were the only ones who knew what 'behind closed doors' really meant.

Inevitably children were born into this world of mine, and you can't say no to no contraception, because the need to see his fertility bloom was the most important thing in the world.
Most important.

But i was indeed blessed with more than an armful of joy.

And so we all painted the roses red and in time, we all wondered, which one of us would loose our head.

We moved house and the years passed as they normally do with various reasons to run and threats that made us stay.
But you never run..  because now he might **** you all,
and not just you.
If it was just you, you wouldn't have minded so much...

So we moved house and the little glow in the dark star came along too. It was placed near the light fitting over the bed and i put my finger to my lips and said 'shhh' as i stuck it to the ceiling.
But we knew.

And so, for a few more years you carry the weight of the world, the little secret, and a heart full of love, and begin painting the roses red with your children.
And now you definitely can't leave and you can't run because they might loose their heads and now, now you might have to watch.. while you get to keep yours.

And then a tide turned, well, four tides turned, and damage was being done that my love could not repair.
And that is when i had to be brave and i had to do what i should have done many years before.
I was conditioned to suffer along side and this was normal.
Not that any of that is an excuse.
And although i knew it wasn't right, i knew it was normal.. for me.

A contradiction if ever there was.

But my love for my children will always be far greater, greater than my love for any one else could ever be. Even if it was their flesh and blood.
And him saying we couldn't leave now did not count as a no.
But we didn't leave.
We made him pack his things and go. We had found safety in numbers, we all stood and were counted, we exposed only what secrets needed to be told.
The rest we keep for ourselves.
He never said sorry and he left. And never came back.

So we kept some of the red paint and we added orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. And we painted all of our roses any **** colour we wanted to. Including ourselves.

And I took down the little glow in the dark star, it had seen far too much and probably needed therapy :o)  

And we will live happily forever after.

I remember a time when he would come home.

And i remember that, you must stand at the door and welcome him home like you are happy, don't forget to be happy.
Tea was always ready and the house would be clean and tidy because it should be, you wanted it to be, and woe betide you if it wasn't.
And then, when tea was finished, he wanted his beer and the tv on
and now you mustn't talk because you shouldn't.
So the kitchen was tidied and everything was just so..
you mustn't forget to make it just so.
But you know the time is coming where the beer is all gone and the match would be lost and the anger would flare.
That's when you want to become invisible but you can't
because he needs to punch something and well..
you're as good as any door.
So after the room was cleaned up and the broken glasses and lip was put away, it was time for bed..
And you can't pretend to be asleep because that doesn't count
as a no.

Thankfully there was a little glow in the dark star on the ceiling you could look up at and wish upon it that you weren't in this room, in this bed right now. I think the people who lived there before left it behind. I knew that if i moved i would take it with me.

And the need to run was immense. But there was no where to go and nobody knew and, after all, it was the way of things, don't complain.. it could be worse.. remember that.. it could be worse.. he said.

I often dreamed of a tiny little bed all of my own with fairy lights and my own place to put my books, but that would have to wait as now is not the time to think of such a silly notion. Stupid ***** that you are.

And so each and every night, i painted the roses red.. so i didn't loose my head.

And running wasn't really an option because, contrary to popular opinion, that is harder than you think.. after all... this was normal and... this is just what happens and... this is just one of those things and... **** it up buttercup, now clean the house again you stupid ****.

And in the gaslighting, which burned very bright, you would have enough of a glow to paint the roses red.
Perfectly red, everyday they would have to be red.

And life carried on for years like this and my friend, the little glow in the dark star and i were the only ones who knew what 'behind closed doors' really meant.

Inevitably children were born into this world of mine, and you can't say no to no contraception, because the need to see his fertility bloom was the most important thing in the world.
Most important.

But i was indeed blessed with more than an armful of joy.

And so we all painted the roses red and in time, we all wondered, which one of us would loose our head.

We moved house and the years passed as they normally do with various reasons to run and threats that made us stay.
But you never run..  because now he might **** you all,
and not just you.
If it was just you, you wouldn't have minded so much...

So we moved house and the little glow in the dark star came along too. It was placed near the light fitting over the bed and i put my finger to my lips and said 'shhh' as i stuck it to the ceiling.
But we knew.

And so, for a few more years you carry the weight of the world, the little secret, and a heart full of love, and begin painting the roses red with your children.
And now you definitely can't leave and you can't run because they might loose their heads and now, now you might have to watch.. while you get to keep yours.

And then a tide turned, well, four tides turned, and damage was being done that my love could not repair.
And that is when i had to be brave and i had to do what i should have done many years before.
I was conditioned to suffer along side and this was normal.
Not that any of that is an excuse.
And although i knew it wasn't right, i knew it was normal.. for me.

A contradiction if ever there was.

But my love for my children will always be far greater, greater than my love for any one else could ever be. Even if it was their flesh and blood.
And him saying we couldn't leave now did not count as a no.
But we didn't leave.
We made him pack his things and go. We had found safety in numbers, we all stood and were counted, we exposed only what secrets needed to be told.
The rest we keep for ourselves.
He never said sorry and he left. And never came back.

So we kept some of the red paint and we added orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. And we painted all of our roses any **** colour we wanted to. Including ourselves.

And I took down the little glow in the dark star, it had seen far too much and probably needed therapy :o)  

And we will live happily forever after.

King of the park is my little paper lion
he struts his stuff like he owns the world
prowls and growls
rubbing and snubbing
while he eats from is little pink bowl
But he is KING!!
king in his own back yard
his eyes amber and black
as he stealthily creeps
beautifully lean
prowling unseen
dangerously mean
ever so fluffy
and oh so virile
so powerful too
leaving his mark
rubbing the bark
so very King!
'So watch me human,
watch me be magnificent
as i pounce on this butterfly'
"yes.. you are a magnificient derp nugget"
Oh but he does have a nasty streak
attack and retreat
spitting and clawing
meowing and mawing
as his grey fur stands on end
and bristles
like a bottle brush
and the lazy lion thing
is lazily lounging
after a busy night on the town
spreading his affection
in every direction
he is now king of the chair
king of the cushion
he is declared triumphantly
throughout the land
fanfare please
"THE SOFA KING .. all hail the SOFA KING!"(annoying feline)
oh dear.. my little paper lion..
believing he is king
king of the jungle
'But i am king!
aren't i human?
okay well,
just of the park maybe
but i am a little bit king- ish.... aren't i?'
silly little pouty McWhiskerface
what a pity
fluffy little kitty
just make your self pretty
pouting and sulking
"Now that is no way for a king to behave
now let me fluff your cushion
*while you drink your milk and eat your Dreamies"

I'm going to close my eyes
and step away
for a little while at least.
It is my fervent hope
that i have walked gently
among your poems.
And with all my heart
i hope i have never kicked up the dust
made a fuss
nor been unkind.
I can only hope that my words were enough,
whether it be an "oh that's lovely"
to a " ******* you're a genius"...
i hope they were enough.
I think i will come back...
maybe
probably
i don't know.
All i do know is that
this fluffy little bear
is going on an adventure.

he always said he
could count his
flaws on
both hands

but;
I loved him for
the way
his imperfections
made him whole ..

I saw how his
soul
was so
beautifully
torn and

that all of his
imperfectly scattered
pieces
would always
fit together perfectly
with mine

he said he loved me first
and
right from the beginning
i wasn't sure
i felt trapped
and then
then i felt the obligation
to reciprocate

guilt
and the need to appease

how could i
in all good conscience
not love someone
who loved
me?

so i tried
i smiled
and looked inside of myself
for that longing
that he so often
showed me

and i admit
there was a short period of time
that i managed to convince myself
that i too
was in love

perhaps i fed off of that feeling
of being wanted so much
that it felt like love

you know
when you confuse being thirsty
for being hungry
or food
for comfort

turns out i wasn't either hungry
or in need of comfort

i was in desperate want
of solitude

and here we are
wednesday 3rd of October 2018
and at 9:11 am
he boarded a coach
to the airport
so he can fly home

and i am again
single
free

he is a good man
but he is not for me
i like him
with all of my heart

he has understood every word i said
and smiled

saying go
be free

we will remain friends
like in the beginning
before he told me
he loved me

some times
i feel the need
to pull away
the need
to hide

from everyone

sometimes
i just find the world
so overwhelming
so much about it
crushes my soul
it hurts

but

even when i want
to be invisible
a little voice inside
whispers
'i wish you would
come find me'

and

despite the pain i feel
being trodden
under foot
it simply doesn't
compare
to the pain
of missing you

when all i want to do
is disappear

There were two mighty warriors
whose rule upon the land
were what legends now are sewn upon
each feared by every man

Odin was like a panther
sleek and strong and lithe
nothing less than greatness
was for all that he would strive

Kester was just like a bear
his size gave him great power
over mighty oaks and castle walls
he easily would tower

The warriors began a fight
and the people stood around
peasants Lords and Nobles
threw lamenting on the ground

They fought over who had the right
to be the poet king
folk ran to preserve themselves
as the fists began to swing

Believing they both owned all words
to poetry, verse and prose
both grandiose and posturing
to each a thumb upon their nose

So the fight grew on relentless
both knew it was to death
howling obscenities from Whitman
hurling lines from out Macbeth

Yelling words of literature
pounding blows on blows
quoting Thomas Hardy
and Shakespeare's words of prose

Grabbing Kester's throat
Odin threw him to the floor
like an angry roaring lion
Odin screaming metaphor

Like madmen holding hands
grappling with each others cloak
tearing at each others skin
whose throat they'd love to choke

There had to be a victor
their words shook the city walls
Odin held tight to Kester
and kicked him in the syllables

But no one stood victorious
as poetry's life began to wain
they thrashed it till it bled
not seeing both their shame

Clothes were torn and bruises bloomed
wearing blood upon their trousers
the people cried in unison
"a plague a' both your houses"

As the warriors stood back a step
and looked upon the ground
wounded and in agony
poetry didn't make a sound

No words on lips were uttered
poetry blinked last unto the sun
for its life about was scattered
"My lords look, what have you done?"

And as they wept they looked above
Clouds gathering over head
tears blurred those fated words
on the sky the message... "He is dead"

The warriors stood on trembling knees
with death they both had kissed
the last line they both uttered
"Was sorrow... to this."

my prey eyed girl
you'll come to know
the times of end
no place to go

you'll run uphill
and over coals
the air that chokes
and lava scalds

when the hounds
from hell arise
the face of heaven
it's disguise

with bites upon
the softest skin
poison pulsed
and flows within

forever run
and don't look back
what lies behind
black maniac

just look for light
for all you can
the devil smiles
that heaven man

run to me
fly so far
take my word
your Savior

to heal the bite
the bitter sting
love only saves
peace conquering

pinions gate
placed under wing
your freedom song
forever sing

i promised myself that i would one day
be happy
as i lay upon the kitchen floor
covered in my own blood

a hand
wedged between my throat
and my next breath

my last thought to myself was
that
if i lived
i would be soft and gentle
no matter what the cost
until my heart no longer beat

i laughed in my head
thinking
that i couldn't play dead
because..
i thought..
what if i was dead already?

so i promised myself..
if i was not dead
this time..
and i did indeed.. live
that i would one day
find love again

i considered it to be a strange thought
to have
as the lights went out

but soon enough
as i hugged myself tight
on our marriage bed
with deep marks upon my skin
and a branding within

i would again
close my eyes
wondering

"I'm sorry to bother you but,
when would be a convenient time to die?"

but my heart wanted something else
and wished of love
instead

so i promised myself
i would be kind
as i felt my feet lift from the ground
and swing above the floor
my back against the wall
held aloft
by my neck

i held my breath
and looked past the face
pressed in anger against mine
for just a glimpse of sunshine
just so i knew
there was another day
out there..
somewhere..

but afterwards
i then promised myself
i would always be honest
and seek the truth

as bitter lies and untruths
were molded into my reality
and i was force fed
every poisonous word

so i listened carefully
to how i had failed
to how i had lied
to how i had become
'oh such a miserable wretch'
and i believed every word
to be so

"Would it be an inconvenience..
if i died now?"

and then after that
i promised myself
that i would always
give my hands in love

as the blood warmed blade
found it's way to my throat
begging to pierce the skin
that was already scarlet
from my nose
my eye
my mouth

and so
the metal branded me
in unseen places
instead

and i thought to myself
no matter how hard i tried
the blood
dripping onto the carpet
would never come out..

and there must be
another way to live..
one that didn't mean
everyday
that i died

so i made promises
to myself
to be less
inconvenient
and more
myself

and then you see..
no matter what i endured
it always came back to.. me
came back to me..

that to stay alive
i would then make a promise
to myself
so i could get through
that day

"Okay so how about now?
if it's not too much trouble..
can I die now?"

so i promised myself
i would be good
i promised myself
that one day
i would have worth
i promised myself
that i one day
i would find myself again
under all of this life
that had fallen on top of me

so i listened to the incessant
little voice in my head
the one that made all the promises
and that chattered happily all day long
and sung me to sleep at night
it told me of hope
and of all the things i could be

and the lower my body fell
the louder her voice became
until she was all that i could hear
she fed my heart courage
and my mind, truth
she gave my spirit hope
and she promised me
very faithfully
that i would
always live
to see this day

a real person took me to one side
and said
"look at your feet
firmly planted on the ground
see how my eyes
see yours
hear my voice"
looking away he said
"they are all just words
made into verse
pointing, he spoke softly
behind the screen
there is nothing that can harm
press the button
and they simply disappear
he gently brushed my hair
from my eyes
"there see
they are but wisps of cloud
halls of mirrors
where nothing is real
and it's reality...
an illusion
kissing me gently
he whispered
and the only dreams you need live in
are the real ones
*you share with me"

he told her it was love
in the space between
midnight and never
always and forever

he said
i love you
over and over
never really knowing
half the time
what he truly meant

for all of his words
came
from a lonely heart
the heart that proclaimed
"love"
yet
it did not

and he was remiss
in his affection
as
not for one moment
did he inquire
of her favorite colour
nor
for how she took
her coffee

Sorry it's long (said no one ever)

Working in retail opens your eyes to a whole world many do not see.
A world of such diversely, fascinatingly, mundanely grey, vibrantly glorious, disgusting and bright human behaviour.

You may think we just stack the shelves and clean up the unmitigated and immense damage you cause after you visit our place of work.

But we do so much more, we see so much more.

We watch, we listen, we cry and we laugh both with you, and admittedly, on occasion, at you.

But do forgive us as we are too, diversely, fascinatingly, mundanely grey, vibrantly glorious, disgusting and bright humans.

You can, as our customers, wholeheartedly make our day, you can be kind and courteous, funny, and quite often, we love having you with us, especially when you are considerate, considering this is our place of work.

And in that place of work, where we spend more daylight hours of our lives with you than we do with our families and loved ones, in that place of work we come across those who frustrate and annoy, who are aggressive and demeaning, we are made to feel unworthy and on occasion, occasionally you make us cry.

But you also lift us, with your own brand of madness :)

We have 'Buddy' who often comes in wearing a puffy coat and a blue baseball cap, precariously perched on top of his head.
'Hat family' visits were mum and daughter each wear a trilby and dad wears a cap.
"Carol" who is always decorating and most often needs...
" A thing, you know, with the part that folds over, it's grey" or an "Orange do-dah, you use it in the garden, it was on the telly"...

Be assured, we see you all, we remember you all. The good, the bad and those we endlessly try to help but always ask for things we don't sell and end up saying "fine i'll just go to Dunelm"...

We don't just stack the shelves and clean up the unmitigated and immense damage you cause after you visit our place of work. We also share with you your joys and your woes.

We spoke to a woman who was in floods of tears as she had been made to feel stupid and had been spoken to unkindly in another shop. She was looked after, consoled and taken care of.

We spoke to a woman who was on her first day outside after her husband of some 40 years had passed away. We listened and gave her many kind words, she left feeling much less alone.

We spoke at length to a woman in her 30's who had been told that morning she was finally in remission. We shared her joy. And relief.

We help the elderly Scottish gentleman with his son who has autism. His wife passed away 4 years ago and his son is his world. His son likes to touch our soft cushions and always asks his dad if it's 'time for tea yet.'

We don't just stack the shelves and clean up the unmitigated and immense damage you cause after you visit our place of work. We do understand, more than you know.

Today I met a quite exhausted woman, covered in dry paint, wearing a weary expression. She was holding a tin of paint with paint covered hands.
And with a tired voice she told me she had been...
"Painting all ****** day" and she was... "so bleedin' tired I can't think straight". She had run out of paint and asked how much the paint was.
And then I felt a whole new level of understanding and compassion.

She looked me square in the eye and asked "Is it wrong to wish everyone would just *******?"

I said "Of course not, it's perfectly normal considering the day you've had, can you leave the painting until tomorrow, after you've had a bath and a good nights sleep?"
She looked at me and smiled wearily "I guess it can wait"
Handing her the paint i said "it's 7.99, then do that, get some sleep. And tell everyone who says otherwise to ..."
"*******" she smiled.

Sadness is when a child wishes their mother a happy father's day.

They said I might never
fully regain all sensation
I mean
the scars are pretty deep
but
today
i pressed the flesh
testing just to see
Just to see
if the feeling
had come back
and I'm glad to say
it felt good
I could feel the warmth
of my fingertips
gently touching
and I know
that's a good sign..
right?
and maybe
just
maybe
one day
my heart will feel
like it had never
Loved you
at all

even in autumn
she wore flowers
in her hair

as if
they belonged
next to her beautiful
mind
like the daisies
belonged
growing within
the grass

she was an angel
in a summer dress
whispering
To me
her darkest secrets

like precious gifts
She spilt them
from her sweet tongue
into my mouth

and i knew i would
never again
go hungry
as i ate every
single
one

even in autumn
she wore flowers
in her hair

as if
they belonged
next to her beautiful
mind

like the daisies
belonged
growing within
the grass

she was an angel
in a summer dress
whispering
to me
her darkest secrets

like precious gifts
she spilt them
from her sweet tongue
into my mouth

and i knew
i would
never again
go hungry

as i ate

every

single

one

She wore flowers in her hair
even in autumn
she wore flowers
in her hair

as if
they belonged
next to her beautiful
mind
like the daisies
belonged
growing within
the grass

she was an angel
in a summer dress
whispering
To me
her darkest secrets

like precious gifts
She spilt them
from her sweet tongue
into my mouth

and i knew i would
never again
go hungry
as i ate every
single
one

I spy with my little eye
somethin' begining with me
thinkin' you're all that
lets just wait and see
takes a real good kickin'
to really get me down
I punch above my weight
and swim so I don't drown
take a nice big bite
chew it nice and slow
last orders mate
It's time for you to go
don't just ******' stand there
wantin' a reach around
sup up sunshine
this time your goin' down
don't come at me all balshy
pushin' me around
six feet's a good depth
you won't make a sound
so step into my parlour
and we'll have a little 'chat'
tell mummy you ain't home for  tea
cos you ain't coming back

Shopping :o)

one bag of flour
the self raising kind
a pound of bacon
without the rind

a loaf of bread
a jar of jam
remember the pickle
to go with the ham

dog food and cat food
cheese and coffee
don't forget raisins
and nuts for the toffee

tomatoes, sundried
get those if you're able,
if you're not sure
it will say on the label

toilet rolls, eggs
shampoo and stir fry
get rolls without seeds
heaven knows why

salad and butter
hot dogs and sauce
get reduced fat, low sugar
and lo salt, of course

chocolate and sweetcorn
chicken and stuffing
a chocolate chip, walnut
and blueberry muffin

pizza with pineapple
ham and some cheese
fairy and cookies
ariel fabreeze

turkey, satsumas
not oranges with pips
tin foil and razors
and food bags with zips

nutella is best
it's the one we like most
so get a big jar
to spread on our toast

boys, thank you for helping
It's a great deal to me
oh, and don't forget cake
and biscuits and tea

i'll leave it to you
if there are things that i've missed
Just get what you think
if it's not on the list.

i'd write you a thousand words
a hundred times a day
but i don't know how
and
i don't know what to say

he is
a tidal wave
sweeping in
with debris
and salt

eventually
to be washed up
on the shore
was preferable
to being dashed
upon the rocks

but the fear
of drowning
under his waves
lungs filled
with his sin
and silt
blood
and bile

lips bloodied
bones bending
tears falling
heart broken

infants crying
run aground
the past thrown
into the present

churned and swelled
the sea bed
giving up
it's dead

the glorious dead
of yesterday

i found
i could swim
while
he lay upon the shore
in his own torment
waiting to be saved
woe is him

he is
a tidal wave
sweeping in
and out
with salt
and debris
sin and silt

you are the most beautiful music there is
every verse tells a story
of a full life
a lover
a fighter
a gentle heart
a battle fought
and lost

the chorus sings
of love and hope
of death and loss
finding your way
forgiveness and regret

and no matter the words
no matter the melody
no matter how quietly
you still sing your beautiful song

the song is you
so sing your heart out
and never forget how to dance
never forget you own this song
it's yours to sing
so sing it

i'd never ask
to have you
here

not anymore

not for one day

nor an hour



to sit with you
once more

no.

never.

yet i whisper it
in wishes
as i sleep

i only wish out loud
for you
peace

in
death

my heart sees
the silence
that lives
in your place

my bones know
you sleep
peacefully

so i tiptoe
while i
still live
where you lived

i feel your breath
upon the wind
i hear your
words
in my voice

I won't take you
from your
place

our love
is at peace
and sadly

i'm happy


ashen sunshine
fills the sky

goodbyes
merely leaves
that have
blown
beyond reach

words harsh as
vinegar
on bloodied
lips

salt cures
my broken heart


i'd never ask
to have you here

selfish hopes
for my
wishing heart



because
you closed your eyes

and the world
slipped
it's leash

kaleidescopic
insanity
plays in the park


and my love

my love

would spare you from it

i sleep with the lights on
not because i am afraid of the dark
but because
what lingers in the dark
is afraid of the light

The size of the world
never changes
and yet
there are times
when it feels
so very big,
or maybe
it's just me,
feeling so
incredibly
small,
so
incredibly
small  
that i wonder
if I might slip
through the cracks..
and disappear
entirely

So many times i died
not knowing how to be saved
a victim of my innocence
unknowing
unaware
no knight
no king
only dragons to slay
with my childlike hands
but a soul can be strong
when the need is just
surviving
until the next sun
and the truest of Men
will show their face
saving the entire world
for just that one