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Feb 3 · 134
epiphany
Little Bear Feb 3
i own everything i do.
and everything i am
(good or bad)
belongs to me
.
i have never had such assiduity
in my own existence.

there is no wonder
in why
i choose to be the island
that i am.
Nov 2023 · 370
homeward
Little Bear Nov 2023
coming home at half past dusk
my body is so very weary
my fingers are cold
my tummy
empty
my thoughts are of home
as i trudge my way
through the darkness

a darkness that falls like
autumn leaves.

from late afternoon
the darkness settles
on the ground

starting with the sky
it falls like a billowing eiderdown
onto a cold autumnal bed

twilight flutters
and spiraling down
it slips quietly between the streets
filling fields

covering
in layer upon layer
of blues and violet hues
upon the houses
and the buildings below

tiny stars begin to glow
as the sky turns to indigo

dreams fall upon the cars
and their lonely passengers

radios on
heater cranked to ten

everyone yawning with wishes of home
waiting for the lights to change

commanders of stop and go
the sentry lollipops
are shining their beams
that dazzle so bright

like stars that burn my eyes
as only i can see
the mirage of wondrous colours

its funny how the imperfections
in my vision
make the ordinary
extra ordinary
as i am blinded by something
not real
unreal
more than ordinary

glorious illusions
of glittering light
and as i slowly open
and close my eyes
playing with
the beams to elongate
bend and dazzle
red, gold andΒ Β green
blinking in disbelief
at the traffic lights delight

night falls and dutifully
it carpets the world

from work
to home
from home
to work
from work
to home...

ad infinitum

coming home
at the end of the day
to the aroma of stew
the warmth of love

my key opens the lock to a
temporary freedom

and the so begins the unwinding
of the machines fingers
the hamster wheel stops at the door
and gratitude fills my soul as i walk in
through the real world portal

dogs barking
catsΒ milling
food
laughter
love

yes this...
and only this....

this is a joyous wage
for a job well done
Apr 2023 · 764
not a fairy tale
Little Bear Apr 2023
Once upon a time there was a girl
and the girl was ...
the girl was...
okay so,
she just was okay..
she just was
(i am not sure)

and she met a ... man?

he was a man but not an ordinary man.
he was ...
he was.....
loud and dangerous and kind
(only sometimes)
and he broke things.
(hearts,flowers,wooden doors,promises,
the virginity of girls)

But she didn't know that because, he was ... deceiving
(and just out of prison)
and utterly charming and 10 years older...
(but he wasn't like this every day, just most of them)

she was a child (15)
but he did love her
and she did believe him.

But then...
she was also in love with him
because she was
(after many years, co-dependent)

And from day one,
he would twist her words and make her feel
like she was going crazy

(she knew this because, this is what he told her she was)

And he would get angry and use his fists
and his voice to control her.

Also i forgot to tell you.
Her older brother used to look
in the crack of her bedroom door and watch her.
One day he asked her if he could touch her.
She was was 10
but she said no a lot of times before he believed her.

When her mum came up to say goodnight,
she was crying
(the girl)
and she told her Mum what had happened
The mum made the brother come in
and say sorry
and give the girl a hug
and to say sorry...

other things happened over the years that were creepy
(as ****)
including a handsy uncle
and a inappropriate series of
touching and kissing
from an older male house guest
who stayed until he got his own place.

The brother continued to 'watch'

So anyway,
the girl was under no illusion that
she was not to ask for things to be normal
and for things to not happen to her
that she didn't like
and to ask for her boundaries to be respected,
it was not something you just asked for
or expected...

so she stopped doing that and was silent instead
and stopped eating

and had anxiety and panic attacks
but she was told
she was not allowed to have them either,
so she turned inside herself
and stayed there

where in the corner of her mind,
in a very small room,
where only flowers grow
and the sun shines
and the sky was blue
she was safe.

So they got married.
Because that life was better than the brother/uncle/guest traumas
and she was girl who was scared
and co-dependent and wishing things
were going to be better one day.

And she was quite sure he
(her now husband)
would sleep
with other people
because some nights
he would not come home
and he would be angry
when she would ask why,
and he would say...
because she didn't give him
(as much ***)
as he deserved

so it would be her fault if he went elsewhere

(he said he had not but, if he had, it would have been her fault)

so she didn't ask anymore
because he would throw things at her

he would throw things from around the house
(an iron, a handful of coins, pliers, a hammer, his fists, lies, spiteful and cruel words)

All of them she remembered forever

So he closed her eyes and instead
she could only see through his eyes
just how stupid she was.

And how wrong and broken and twisted
she was.

And because she was wrong and broken and twisted,
she had no right
to ask for kindness.

or to ask for help.

Or to ask that
he touch softly
instead of like a creature
who did not care


for 18 years.


and then perchance

she watched a program on the telly

how people were in prison
for doing the things he had done
but they were normal
Right?
these things were normal for her

She was lucky he didn't hit harder
do all the things he did... More

and on the telly, they said that,
she was one of the people
who were...
Lucky to be alive

And she cried

and she was happy that she had found out
that she was lucky to be alive.

(not the end)
Little Bear Apr 2023
all I needed was a softer heart
i needed a kinder hand
a more gentle love

all i needed were forehead kisses
i needed kinder words
a more loving love

i needed to know
i could trust you
i needed to know
I could rely on you

i needed to feel you
softly wipe away my tears
and not to have been
the reason for them


all I needed was a trustworthy path
i needed you to lead the way
and not make me walk blindly
into nothingness

i would have walked
to the ends of the earth
with you

with forever in my heart
with always in my mind
your hand holding mine
never letting go

allΒ Β I will ever need is kindness
i only ever wanted love

allΒ Β that i crave
is soft and gentle
in a world of
stick and stones
that so easily
break my bones
maybe iwas just asking too much
maybe i was too much
maybe i didn't deserve love
maybe i deserved nothing
Mar 2023 · 153
fields
Little Bear Mar 2023
i love the fields
i can look down
from the top of the hill
and see all the way to the next village
the fields roll its spring green carpet towards the south
undulating it's hips
with expectancy
ripe with nature's soon to be
summers harvest

the warm wind blows
from the south
up the fields towards us
breathing in deeply
the fragrant breeze
it's smells of green clover
and yellow buttercups
its tastes wild and mellow
a smile lingers on my lips


there are no leaves on the trees still
but winter is falling away
and i can smell earth in the air
spring is coming
and the fields beckon

wearing summer dresses
that fall lightly
about my shoulders
bear toes that delight in its soil
my face smiling up
to a blue sky
filled with
warmth and promises

i feel kisses of hope
on my tongue
scattering seeds in my mind
Feb 2023 · 890
dust
Little Bear Feb 2023
i have always found that
when the sun is too close
for too long
bleaching life from me

my skin burns

scalding the happiness
found in my solitude
to nothing

and i blister with
such servitude
weeping for normalcy


as i rub in the salve
made of my traumas
just to get close to the suns warmth
one more time

but i always turn
to silently falling ashes

brittle bones crumble
turning
ashes to ashes

dust to dust
and back to the earth
i shall return

until the sun shines
against my god forsaken
skin
one more time
forever and ever
Little Bear Feb 2023
"No.. you don't, you don't have me, I'm not yours, I'm not.
I'm glad I'm going to die.." She smiled.

She could feel nothing.
She was nothing.
Dead.

He dragged her slumped body to the sea.
She was conscious, just.
He wanted her to be awake though, for when she died.

What was the point of being King if your subjects didn't believe in you.

The sea pounded the shore. Waves came in thick and fast. The wind buffeted his body, but he remained steadfast.
She lay on her back in the water, the waves spilling over her but not rousing her.

He held the front of her hoodie so she was above the water, her eyes still closed as he told her how she would die.

She heard him. And smiled.
Lifting her above the waves by her clothing he manhandled her into the dark swelling sea.

The snow fell as he walked her out a few more feet and then he held her under.

She felt the sea try to take her and she fought it.

Nature, instinct, the last vestiges of will found their voice and they fought for her. Her hands pounded his arms as he held her under. Her body convulsed as she fought, one last time, to breathe above the waves.

And slowly she gave in.
Became heavy.
She could see him above her, through the waves.
She wasn't scared. She could feel his hands about her throat. She could see him, in glorious clear water colours.
He stood above her in the snow and the sky and the sea.
She let herself go.

She let herself breathe below the waves.
breathe in.
So easy.

And so he buried her, under the sea.
And in the depths, he held her there,

until she stopped.
sometimes it's the only way to be free
Jan 2023 · 166
paper thin
Little Bear Jan 2023
the sunΒ shines
through the window
dust moatsΒ Β 
like stardust
gently laying kisses
upon paper skin

close your eyesΒ Β 
clouds drift in
the blue sky
the mist hangs low
with lashes blinking

slowly
seeing withoutΒ seeing
knowing without knowing
feel love
my love
know peace

settle
yes settle

settle gently between this
and what dreams
lay beyond
dream of kindness

paper thin
it dances under
your skin

breathe starlight
my love
the breeze is within you
takes you

float upon its warmth
silver stars wait for you
silver white
filled with light

settle
settle
my love

paper thin
Jan 2023 · 617
winter moon
Little Bear Jan 2023
my moon she shinesΒ Β 
so gracefully
upon the darkest sky
of night
which adorned withΒ 
silver wishes
hold my secrets tight



such magic has thee
myΒ dearest moon
that tides do ebb and flow
Β Β to your song they dance
with gaiety
Β Β unto you
all dreams bestow
I don't know.. i'm too tired to find more words, it has been a long day. I just saw the moon so prettily shining as i walked home and wanted to let the moon know i was thinking of her :D 3/10 for effort
Little Bear Dec 2022
seasons turn
and nights behold
darkness covers
stars unfold

frosts eiderdown
so bitter spread
as winter lays
in autumns bed

shadows grow
the wheel does turn
pray lengthen days
and warmth return

hearts rejoice
as wishes fall
the old year past
hopes blessings all
Little Bear Sep 2021
πŸŒ»πŸ„πŸŒΌπŸ¦”πŸƒπŸ‚πŸπŸ‚
Autumn awaits and the warmth of home
becomes ever more precious.
As the turning wheel presses ever onward,
the nights will draw in,
and i find i need to settle among
love and happiness
more than ever.
πŸ‚πŸπŸ„πŸ‚πŸƒπŸŒΌπŸ„πŸ¦”
Apr 2021 · 584
too many
Little Bear Apr 2021
it's not going to happen
for me

the love just
seeps
out of
the cracks

the earthen vessel

this
earthen vessel

has too many parts
to be whole

too many memories
to behold

too many wounds
to heal

too many scars

too many tears

too many
stuttering beats
of a broken heart


a heart
that can only give

and not receive
something is broken inside
Apr 2021 · 827
over and over
Little Bear Apr 2021
you are going to have to
sew yourself together

piece by piece

place by place

peace by peace

listen to the wind
before all of your broken pieces
are swept
into the cracks
in the floor boards

like dust and crumbs
blown in
by their open windows

for they do not know why
you are
who you are

look to the moon
before you are whispered of no more
by dawn they will have forgotten
who you were

why you are here

why you are
who you are

before all the tides
that swept into your shores
have broken
on the rocks below

speak in lowered tones
say your name
over and over again
do not forget tomorrow
but forget today
they do not hear your voice

or know why you are
who you are

piece by piece
place by place
peace by peace


place buttons on your skin
and sew yourself together
over and over and over again

piece by piece
place by place
peace by peace

as this is why
you are
who you are
that's all there is. Plasters plasters sticking plasters on gaping big holes that everyone thinks they know how to fix.
Oct 2020 · 217
Heart for Sale
Little Bear Oct 2020
"Heart for sale"

One heart for sale, one careful lady owner.
Reasonable condition all things considered.
A little worn, a little weary but still a few miles on the clock.
Beats well when loved.

Has been broken but due to much care and attention is now available to a new home.
Looking for payment in kindness, happiness, love, smiles, companionship and respect.
Occasional chocolates treats would be desired but are not entirely necessary.
Will beat as long as you love and cherish it.
Will always beat for you and only you.
Will make your life endlessly happy given the chance.

Comes with free packaging.
Although outer wrapping maybe mistaken for packing noodles and bubble wrap, it is essential to hearts well being..
and as such must be bought together as one item.

All enquires to the number below.
Oct 2020 · 150
humming bird
Little Bear Oct 2020
close your eyes my child
close your eyes and listen
listen to the hummingbird
beating in your chest
hear it angel
hear it's life within you
know that the sound
of the beating of it's wings
is your joy

let your hair be glorified
in the sunshine
as it falls about your shoulders
like a waterfall
let it flow love
an emanation of silken
waves
sweeping in tides of peace

let your mouth open
may your sweet lips
glisten with honeyed words
speak truth to them child
speak it quietly to the deaf one
let them hear you
and to the ones with out sight
let them take you in
without denial

they will see your eyes sweet girl
they will see kindness
deep within the amber
and golden pools of light

even while you sleep
you draw them close
your soft voice calls to them
the beating of your
humming bird heart
gives them hope

and with that hope
they can learn to love
once more
each other
Oct 2020 · 294
❀️
Little Bear Oct 2020
you only loved her
because she felt
like sunshine
Sep 2020 · 104
reconciliation
Little Bear Sep 2020
i did not look for the last of the sun
i was glad
eventually

...
that i would sleep
and not see it rise again
and..
it would..

but without my eyes upon it

and i was glad
once i had made my peace
glad
that i would lay down
and be forgotten

our sacrifice
my sacrifice
would be our souls
my soul

in exchange for every living creature...
for them to thrive
in our infedelic absence
and i could, and would
gladly pay that price...

our lives
my life
for the innocence of all living creatures
all flora
all fauna
all land masses teeming with life
every ocean
even into the deep
every forest
with it's abundance
would flourish
in our absence

my peace is..
although i believe
i do not practice
although i believe
i do not preach
although i believe
i have no faith
my heart knows only the truth
so i bite my tongue
until it bleeds the lies of my love

i will hold my eyes open and willingly
sleepwalk into deaths decay
because my marrow does not believe
nor can i convince it

and so all things will perish
for this is the price of love

to perish
fully aware
able bodied
cognisant in my open eyed slumber
yet unwilling to discard the fruits of my womb
to dismember a mothers only begotten son
for she loved her child so much
that she could find peace
in never being brought to mind

forgotten for all time
even by god
even for god

and i will perish
knowing i have loved
and have been loved

i will be glad of my sacrifice
feeling eternal peace


so i did not look for the last of the sun
as i knew it had already set
Sep 2020 · 127
Solace
Little Bear Sep 2020
a tempestuous storm
blows through
the hollows
of her eyes

whining on the wind
as if a wolf,
howling it's sorrow
in cries of loss.
bereft,
it calls
into
the blackened sky

between the gaps
in her fingers  
the dust consumes
her skin
to bone

where brittle
wedding bands
slip
from her fingers
into the sodden grass
full of
mourning dew

dropping like cymbals
clattering
upon uneven ground.

thundering gales
tear through her ribs
borne of heartbeats
that roar misery

her bones
excavated marrow
bleaches white
in the sun,
dries to dust
and gladly falls
to nothing

her sorrow leaks
into her veins.
while
unrequited love
bristles
impatiently
at her torment


that ebb and flow
wither and die
gives her
solace
in her isolation


an eternal grounding

as loves tempest
mindlessly
wreaks utter
sorrow.

she hears the
wolves cry
  and she is too empty
to reply
Why does this keep happening.  .
Sep 2020 · 78
September
Little Bear Sep 2020
I always take a long evening walk with my dogs. Around the village, through the woods and home again. It's quite a few miles of fresh air therapy, and the dogs love it.
I go along the hedgerows and down the winding lane, past the old church and circle back towards home. They are both back on their leads after a good bounding through the woods. With ***** paws and scent filled noses, they will sleep well tonight.
At this time, early evening, the sun is falling low and the sky is turning from the midday's cerulean blue to hues of violet and pink.
It is the first day of September and our long hot summer can still be felt in the afternoon sun but, by supper time, the air has become cool and still and I pull on my cardigan against the chill, something I haven't done during the evening since mid March.

As I pass the old church the sky has darkened around the edges, framing the mellowing sky in varying shades of indigo. Darkening hedgerows underline the display of early evening pipistrelles, diving and flitting like a zoetropes flashing movement before my eyes. I can feel the 'pip pip' of their almost inaudible sonar in my ears. They swoop and flit catching unfortunate moths midair.

The long grasses that run along the bottom of the hedgerows are teeming with all sorts of bugs and crawling creatures. Grass hoppers, stink bugs, spiders and probably a few little foraging field mice. I try not to think too ******* what might lay there in the undergrowth, it's all a bit creepy crawly for my liking, I walk quickly through the grasses and on towards the gate at the end of the lane.

I can smell the farmers freshly harvested earth in the east field and I can now see clearly the brown soil emerging, stretch by stretch each day. Soon the fields will be covered over in deep earthy blankets, coloured in acres of deep umber and hickory, ready to sleep again until spring.

The air around me holds the promise of autumn, the fragrant breeze whispers that fact gently among the trees, among falling leaves of golden brown and cinnamon I know it to be true.

Squirrels bound from branch to branch gathering summers bountiful consequence. It is a joy to watch as they eye me warily yet they do not stop filling their bellies with berries and walnuts as they peer at me with caution.

The heavy oak gate at the end of the lane opens to a grassy pathway and after a time, my front door. The lights are alive in the windows of our cottage. I delight in finding everyone finally home.

Soon the curtains will be drawn against the darkness and bitter autumn winds. For now I revel in the remedy of the season, the bearing of natures fruitful gifts, the winds of change lift my heart.

A faraway bonfires smoke becomes a backdrop to the cool crisp autumn air. Over the coming weeks carpets of nutmeg coloured leaves will fall, handfuls of acorns, walnuts and spinning sycamore propellers will be scattered under our feet as we walk with our dogs, sniffing and snuffling in the pungent autumnal lawn.

This season has my heart feeling the same love and contentment as of a mother greeting her grown child home after too long away.

The key fits the lock and the aroma of stew and dumplings greets me like an old friend and I am so very glad my now grown children love the comfort of home cooking as I do. I step inside, dogs loping along beside me, as I greet the coming splendour of Autumn with open arms.
Apr 2020 · 104
time out :)
Little Bear Apr 2020
Taking a little break from Hello Poetry
I am a front line/key worker and it's taking it's toll
But there is work to be done and with the support of
my work family, we are truly making a difference through
this quite frightening time.

I am staying home when i'm not at work,
Please please
where you can,
stay at home
and stay safe xxxx


And to add another reason to the mix
I have met the most beautiful man :D
who has filled my life with
all i could have dreamed of :)
and more **

I smile as i write
my heart has been filled
to overflowing
he is my soul's mate
my truest friend
my greatest love
i am at peace
for the first time
in forever.



Take care
i will be back
but reality beckons
xxxxxx
STAY AT HOME, STAY SAFE. XXXX SENDING YOU LOVE XXXX
Mar 2020 · 117
liar
Little Bear Mar 2020
omission of truth
blundering white
jagged black

tears falling
with blatant
breath

i see you
though
answering yourself

congratulations
are in order
well done

well done
seared skin
****** within
lies

even your truth
is a lie
because
you try
to conceal
who and what
you
do not deserve
to be

twisted
lies
caught like flies
in your web of
deception

one two three
how many more
are thee

a forked tongue speaks
twice
writes in triplicate
sings lullabys of deception
a hundred fold

the little lambs wool
you have pulled
so they cannot see

i pity thee

crocodile
serpent
bad wolf

liar
a long day... and it truly has been eye opening
Mar 2020 · 154
Mad dogs and English men
Little Bear Mar 2020
the streets are
quiet
fear
hangs in the air


dust motes
flutter

anxiety
stutters

droplets of
breath

invisible
death

settling upon
skin

too scared
to breathe
in

in fear
of what settles


i love you
stay safe


breathing
in
fear

exhaling
panic

i love you
don't die


bring back
some
pasta
I work in retail... Bring help...
Mar 2020 · 91
❀❀❀
Little Bear Mar 2020
writers
are powerful creatures

they can make you believe
using in your own imagination
that they
can warp and then stop time,
they can make you old
young
and die

they can construct dreams
made of ink
that terrify,

dreams that span eons of time
keeping you
wide awake
never sleeping
for
one
second

they can summon dragons
and storms
create armies
and legions
build castles
and empires

they can burn
your village
to the ground

and everything
you hold dear...

will be dust

πŸƒ

they can make you fearless
Victorious!
Triumphant!!
Leaders of men..
Warriors in battle...

Gods on High



mad

...



they can make you fly
make you crawl
beg for mercy

wish for death

and then...

when you thought
they had done
all that they could

vicariously
they live
their darkest fears
through
you

by making you


love
❀
Mar 2020 · 119
:)
Little Bear Mar 2020
:)
i don't think he knows
how much
he fills my
heart;

how
his movements
have made themselves
at home

he makes me want
to push back
the furniture

just so
i can watch
him dance
Mar 2020 · 116
<3 <3 <3
Little Bear Mar 2020
i see her
through her shadows
and in her darkness
i still see her
light

it shines from
around
her clouds
like silver

she is more than
sunlight

she is warmth
and love

she is peace
and comfort

so i told her
'my love,
even in
your darkest days
you have no idea
how much
your love
warms my skin

and your beautiful
heart
lights up my soul'

she smiled
from behind
her leaden sky
and kissed me
softly
in the way
only
an 'i love you'
could be kissed

and my heart
all at once
filled with
her sunshine
and
became hers
Feb 2020 · 233
Solace
Little Bear Feb 2020
a tempestuous storm
blows through
the hollows
of her eyes

whining on the wind
as if a wolf,
howling it's sorrow
in cries of loss.
bereft,
it calls
into
the blackened sky

between the gaps
in her fingersΒ Β 
the dust consumes
her skin
to bone

where brittle
wedding bands
slip
from her fingers
into the sodden grass
full of
mourning dew

dropping like cymbals
clattering
upon uneven ground.

thundering gales
tear through her ribs
borne of heartbeats
that roar misery

her bones
excavated marrow
bleaches white
in the sun,
dries to dust
and gladly falls
to nothing

her sorrow leaks
into her veins.
while
unrequited love
bristles
impatiently
at her torment


that ebb and flow
wither and die
gives her
solace
in her isolation


an eternal grounding

as loves tempest
mindlessly
wreaks utter
sorrow.

she hears the
wolves cry
Β Β and she is too empty
to reply
smol edit, i hope it reads better now :)
Feb 2020 · 111
orla
Little Bear Feb 2020
she went to sleep
just there
while her mother
touched her hair
sleep little girl
but please come back
eyelids fluttered
tiny fingers clenched
imperceptible
movements of grief
and loss

stroking her hair
sleep little girl
as we hold our breath
waiting for you
to breathe
again

wake little girl
please wake
loss is there waiting
and we cannot
give you up
to it

breathe little girl
don't float away
stroking her hair
whispering pleas
praying into silence
holding our breath
holding our hope
tight in our chest
loss is calling

and the silence breaks
as she rubs her eyes
we breathe

loss does not hold her
not this time
for Orla **
Feb 2020 · 91
retail schmetail
Little Bear Feb 2020
Sorry it's long (said no one ever)

Working in retail opens your eyes to a whole world many do not see.
A world of such diversely, fascinatingly, mundanely grey, vibrantly glorious, disgusting and bright human behaviour.

You may think we just stack the shelves and clean up the unmitigated and immense damage you cause after you visit our place of work.

But we do so much more, we see so much more.

We watch, we listen, we cry and we laugh both with you, and admittedly, on occasion, at you.

But do forgive us as we are too, diversely, fascinatingly, mundanely grey, vibrantly glorious, disgusting and bright humans.

You can, as our customers, wholeheartedly make our day, you can be kind and courteous, funny, and quite often, we love having you with us, especially when you are considerate, considering this is our place of work.

And in that place of work, where we spend more daylight hours of our lives with you than we do with our families and loved ones, in that place of work we come across those who frustrate and annoy, who are aggressive and demeaning, we are made to feel unworthy and on occasion, occasionally you make us cry.

But you also lift us, with your own brand of madness :)

We have 'Buddy' who often comes in wearing a puffy coat and a blue baseball cap, precariously perched on top of his head.
'Hat family' visits were mum and daughter each wear a trilby and dad wears a cap.
"Carol" who is always decorating and most often needs...
" A thing, you know, with the part that folds over, it's grey" or an "Orange do-dah, you use it in the garden, it was on the telly"...

Be assured, we see you all, we remember you all. The good, the bad and those we endlessly try to help but always ask for things we don't sell and end up saying "fine i'll just go to Dunelm"...

We don't just stack the shelves and clean up the unmitigated and immense damage you cause after you visit our place of work. We also share with you your joys and your woes.

We spoke to a woman who was in floods of tears as she had been made to feel stupid and had been spoken to unkindly in another shop. She was looked after, consoled and taken care of.

We spoke to a woman who was on her first day outside after her husband of some 40 years had passed away. We listened and gave her many kind words, she left feeling much less alone.

We spoke at length to a woman in her 30's who had been told that morning she was finally in remission. We shared her joy. And relief.

We help the elderly Scottish gentleman with his son who has autism. His wife passed away 4 years ago and his son is his world. His son likes to touch our soft cushions and always asks his dad if it's 'time for tea yet.'

We don't just stack the shelves and clean up the unmitigated and immense damage you cause after you visit our place of work. We do understand, more than you know.

Today I met a quite exhausted woman, covered in dry paint, wearing a weary expression. She was holding a tin of paint with paint covered hands.
And with a tired voice she told me she had been...
"Painting all ****** day" and she was... "so bleedin' tired I can't think straight". She had run out of paint and asked how much the paint was.
And then I felt a whole new level of understanding and compassion.

She looked me square in the eye and asked "Is it wrong to wish everyone would just *******?"

I said "Of course not, it's perfectly normal considering the day you've had, can you leave the painting until tomorrow, after you've had a bath and a good nights sleep?"
She looked at me and smiled wearily "I guess it can wait"
Handing her the paint i said "it's 7.99, then do that, get some sleep. And tell everyone who says otherwise to ..."
"*******" she smiled.
Feb 2020 · 115
Only then..
Little Bear Feb 2020
i wait

until my glass is full
to overflowing

and then

only then

can it spill over the edge

pouring upon the page

splashing the ink

into words

that i pretend
is poetry.
it's wild and windy here
i hope you are all keeping safe
***
Little Bear Feb 2020
The door swung open, revealing trees hung full of over compensating colour and the ground buzzed with windfall apples. The grass was long, unkempt and scraggy. There was an old and empty swimming pool, decayed with it's once blue tiles, bleached white with the sun. An ornamental bird bath razed to the ground, an over grown pergola groaned and a leaning outhouse lay lazily about the garden. This place once held a family in his care. The rusted swing stood, like a sentry, waiting. The air was chilled and the weeds violently twisted in throngs of green and yellow. But it was the mound of roughly dug earth, six feet by three, that made Miller's heart falter.
β€œLooks like we got ourselves a crime scene...” Abbie looked on, hands in her pockets.
β€œ****, I hope not...” Miller opened his phone.
and yet i did

https://www.wattpad.com/user/Tinysmolbear
Feb 2020 · 105
In my head today is a ...
Little Bear Feb 2020
Humpty Dumpty dinosaur
Cabbage intervention
Pomegranate superman
Cat combustion engine

Floribunda mermaid sock
Tulip nuts crab apple
Dingo sausage metaphor
Peanuts wedding chapel

Rabbit bacon octopus
Toadstool hair satsuma
Weasel carrot gristle flag
Timone simba pumba


Purple chicken nugget sauce
Generic baby boomer
Zebra armpit underware
Butterfly harpooner


***** pickle under pants
Worm negotiator
Windy beansprout sausage dog
Cardboard Rotavator

Hairy ice cream body *****
Juicy **** denial
Otter baby gusset lunch
Autopsy free trial
I found out that having a constant internal narrative was a thing. I thought everyone had an internal monologue. Mine is a constant. Some have no inner voice. How does that work? I thought (to myself) the constant narration in my head was normal. Not just thoughts floating in and out but conversation, with myself, about everything lol

Not to say this is what I think but, the steady stream of words is weirdly normal to me :)
Feb 2020 · 104
Dream in colour
Little Bear Feb 2020
Dream in colour
I like to dream in colour
with sparkles on the side
I like to think in rainbows
even when I've cried

My thoughts forever sunshine
no matter that it rains
daisy chains and starlight
make me happy once again

Softly soft my words
are uttered as a song
sorry sorry sorry
whenever I do wrong

Buttons will fix everything
just sew them on with love
freckles glow with sunshine
that's what they are made of

The world to me's a daydream
with starry skies above
a universe of wonder
paints the heavens with it's love

It might not be the truth
but it feels that way to me
just imagine with your heart
dream in colour and you'll see.
brave face on βœ”
ready to start a new day βœ”
let the past go βœ”
be happy βœ”
coffee βœ”
Feb 2020 · 229
painting the roses red
Little Bear Feb 2020
I remember a time when he would come home.

And i remember that, you must stand at the door and welcome him home like you are happy, don't forget to be happy.
Tea was always ready and the house would be clean and tidy because it should be, you wanted it to be, and woe betide you if it wasn't.
And then, when tea was finished, he wanted his beer and the tv on
and now you mustn't talk because you shouldn't.
So the kitchen was tidied and everything was just so..
you mustn't forget to make it just so.
But you know the time is coming where the beer is all gone and the match would be lost and the anger would flare.
That's when you want to become invisible but you can't
because he needs to punch something and well..
you're as good as any door.
So after the room was cleaned up and the broken glasses and lip was put away, it was time for bed..
And you can't pretend to be asleep because that doesn't count
as a no.

Thankfully there was a little glow in the dark star on the ceiling you could look up at and wish upon it that you weren't in this room, in this bed right now. I think the people who lived there before left it behind. I knew that if i moved i would take it with me.

And the need to run was immense. But there was no where to go and nobody knew and, after all, it was the way of things, don't complain.. it could be worse.. remember that.. it could be worse.. he said.

I often dreamed of a tiny little bed all of my own with fairy lights and my own place to put my books, but that would have to wait as now is not the time to think of such a silly notion. Stupid ***** that you are.

And so each and every night, i painted the roses red.. so i didn't loose my head.

And running wasn't really an option because, contrary to popular opinion, that is harder than you think.. after all... this was normal and... this is just what happens and... this is just one of those things and... **** it up buttercup, now clean the house again you stupid ****.

And in the gaslighting, which burned very bright, you would have enough of a glow to paint the roses red.
Perfectly red, everyday they would have to be red.

And life carried on for years like this and my friend, the little glow in the dark star and i were the only ones who knew what 'behind closed doors' really meant.

Inevitably children were born into this world of mine, and you can't say no to no contraception, because the need to see his fertility bloom was the most important thing in the world.
Most important.

But i was indeed blessed with more than an armful of joy.

And so we all painted the roses red and in time, we all wondered, which one of us would loose our head.

We moved house and the years passed as they normally do with various reasons to run and threats that made us stay.
But you never run..Β Β because now he might **** you all,
and not just you.
If it was just you, you wouldn't have minded so much...

So we moved house and the little glow in the dark star came along too. It was placed near the light fitting over the bed and i put my finger to my lips and said 'shhh' as i stuck it to the ceiling.
But we knew.

And so, for a few more years you carry the weight of the world, the little secret, and a heart full of love, and begin painting the roses red with your children.
And now you definitely can't leave and you can't run because they might loose their heads and now, now you might have to watch.. while you get to keep yours.

And then a tide turned, well, four tides turned, and damage was being done that my love could not repair.
And that is when i had to be brave and i had to do what i should have done many years before.
I was conditioned to suffer along side and this was normal.
Not that any of that is an excuse.
And although i knew it wasn't right, i knew it was normal.. for me.

A contradiction if ever there was.

But my love for my children will always be far greater, greater than my love for any one else could ever be. Even if it was their flesh and blood.
And him saying we couldn't leave now did not count as a no.
But we didn't leave.
We made him pack his things and go. We had found safety in numbers, we all stood and were counted, we exposed only what secrets needed to be told.
The rest we keep for ourselves.
He never said sorry and he left. And never came back.

So we kept some of the red paint and we added orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. And we painted all of our roses any **** colour we wanted to. Including ourselves.

And I took down the little glow in the dark star, it had seen far too much and probably needed therapy :o)Β Β 

And we will live happily forever after.
All i know is, you do what you have to to get by, and when the tide turns.. do what you must.
Jan 2020 · 127
butterfly
Little Bear Jan 2020
my hair is made of gossamer
my eyes are of dew drops
my lips are just a wisp of wind
my throat dandelion clocks.

my skin the early morning mist
my blush made of rose petals
my bones are made of porcelain
my feet the snow that settles.

my body is made of tissue
my heart is just a sound
my mind just a forgotten thought
of silk thread they all are bound.

my dreams are made invisible
my tears the evening rain
my fears now silently approach
laying ruin to me again.

so delicate and fragile
the wings of a butterfly
could scatter me entirely
unto the ether I will fly
repost
Jan 2020 · 132
falling
Little Bear Jan 2020
now here's a place
i have never been
looking over the edge
seeing if i can see the bottom
dropping a pebble
to hear
the end

i don't think there is one
least-ways
i didn't hear it land
i don't want to fall down this
rabbit hole
but
the eyes staring out
from the darkness
are so...
like i know who they are

and i want to see
just how far down
i will fall
and if they will watch me
as i let go

here is a place
i have never been
so long have i lived
in the sunshine
my skin is paper thin
and the weight of my world
crushes the air from my lungs
makes me breathe out
with no hope of breathing in

here is a place
i have never been
i have no memory
of falling
tipping over the edge
i just know there is no sunshine
and my soul is struggling
to keep warm
Ever the optimist, glass is half full. I find i am falling. but also hoping i can find my way back before hitting the bottom.  taking care of myself for a little while. :)
Jan 2020 · 60
Sleep
Little Bear Jan 2020
i'd never ask
to have you
here

not anymore

not for one day

nor an hour



to sit with you
once more

no.

never.

yet i whisper it
in wishes
as i sleep

i only wish out loud
for you
peace

in
death

my heart sees
the silence
that lives
in your place

my bones know
you sleep
peacefully

so i tiptoe
while i
still live
where you lived

i feel your breath
upon the wind
i hear your
words
in my voice

I won't take you
from your
place

our love
is at peace
and sadly

i'm happy


ashen sunshine
fills the sky

goodbyes
merely leaves
that have
blown
beyond reach

words harsh as
vinegar
on bloodied
lips

salt cures
my broken heart


i'd never ask
to have you here

selfish hopes
for my
wishing heart



because
you closed your eyes

and the world
slipped
it's leash

kaleidescopic
insanity
plays in the park


and my love

my love

would spare you from it
You have no idea how much I miss my Dad. We were inseparable and incorrigible :) yet, despite my wish to have him forever with me, I wouldn't wish this worlds madness upon him.
Little Bear Jan 2020
'I'm glad I'm going to die.." She smiled.
She could feel nothing.
She was nothing.
Dead.

"There you see... such a beautiful little tragedy.
And now I can save you."

Connor dragged her slumped body to the sea.
She was conscious, just.
He wanted her to be awake though, for when she died.
What was the point of being King if your subjects didn't
believe in you.
The sea pounded the shore.
Waves came in thick and fast.
The wind buffeted his body but he remained steadfast.
She lay on her back in the water,
the waves spilling over her but not rousing her.
Connor held the front of her hoodie so she was above the water,
her eyes still closed as he told her how she would die.
She heard him.
And smiled.
Lifting her above the waves by her clothing
he manhandled her into the dark swelling sea.
The snow fell as he walked her out a few more feet
and then he held her under.

She felt the sea try to take her and she fought it.
Nature,
instinct,
the last vestiges of will
found their voice
and they fought for her.

Her hands pounded his arms as he held her under.
Her body convulsed as she fought,
one last time,
to breathe above the waves.
And slowly she gave in.
Became heavy.
Hannah could see him above her,
through the waves.
She wasn't scared.
She could feel his hands about her throat.

She could see him, in glorious clear water colours.
He stood above her in the snow and the sky and the sea.
She let herself go.
She let herself breathe below the waves.
In.
So easy.
And so he buried her,
under the sea.
And in the depths he held her there,

until she stopped.
Okay... I did write it, all of it :)

https://www.wattpad.com/story/172506608-greater-things-than-monsters
Jan 2020 · 68
Poetry's demise
Little Bear Jan 2020
There were two mighty warriors
whose rule upon the land
were what legends now are sewn upon
each feared by every man

Odin was like a panther
sleek and strong and lithe
nothing less than greatness
was for all that he would strive

Kester was just like a bear
his size gave him great power
over mighty oaks and castle walls
he easily would tower

The warriors began a fight
and the people stood around
peasants Lords and Nobles
threw lamenting on the ground

They fought over who had the right
to be the poet king
folk ran to preserve themselves
as the fists began to swing

Believing they both owned all words
to poetry, verse and prose
both grandiose and posturing
to each a thumb upon their nose

So the fight grew on relentless
both knew it was to death
howling obscenities from Whitman
hurling lines from out Macbeth

Yelling words of literature
pounding blows on blows
quoting Thomas Hardy
and Shakespeare's words of prose

Grabbing Kester's throat
Odin threw him to the floor
like an angry roaring lion
Odin screaming metaphor

Like madmen holding hands
grappling with each others cloak
tearing at each others skin
whose throat they'd love to choke

There had to be a victor
their words shook the city walls
Odin held tight to Kester
and kicked him in the syllables

But no one stood victorious
as poetry's life began to wain
they thrashed it till it bled
not seeing both their shame

Clothes were torn and bruises bloomed
wearing blood upon their trousers
the people cried in unison
"a plague a' both your houses"

As the warriors stood back a step
and looked upon the ground
wounded and in agony
poetry didn't make a sound

No words on lips were uttered
poetry blinked last unto the sun
for its life about was scattered
"My lords look, what have you done?"

And as they wept they looked above
Clouds gathering over head
tears blurred those fated words
on the sky the message... "He is dead"

The warriors stood on trembling knees
with death they both had kissed
the last line they both uttered
"Was sorrow... to this."
My thoughts on writing this started with the line
" A plague a' both your houses"
often used as an insult in our family. :D
Along with "Your mother was a hamster
and your father smelt of elderberries! "

I have quoted from various poems just for fun.
From Wystan Hugh Auden-stop the clocks.
Shakespeare's - Romeo and Juliet.

And, for the life of me I can't remember who else...
'Like madmen holding hands
grappling with each others cloak
tearing at each others skin
whose throat they'd love to choke'
is based on something I read
but can't remember the poem...

Reposted
Little Bear Dec 2019
even in autumn
she wore flowers
in her hair

as if
they belonged
next to her beautiful
mind

like the daisies
belonged
growing within
the grass

she was an angel
in a summer dress
whispering
to me
her darkest secrets

like precious gifts
she spilt them
from her sweet tongue
into my mouth

and i knew
i would
never again
go hungry

as i ate

every

single

one
I need to write again, i feel it. In my chest, my heart. I feel it in the back of my throat. It aches so deliciously :)
Dec 2019 · 125
time
Little Bear Dec 2019
the sands of time slip through my fingers
wading through dunes of all my yesterdays
no longer able to count the grains
that have blown into the wind.

grasping handfuls yet holding nothing
nothing to show for my time spent
all I have are the missed moments
of the photographs I was not in
of the parties I did not attend
of the goodnight, sleeptights I did not whisper
of the mealtimes where my chair sat empty
of the 'I love you's' I was not there to say
of the 'I miss you's' that floated upon the breeze.

and time has stolen my time to love you
all my 'please forgive me's'
fall from my mouth
sounding remarkably like 'honey i'm home'
entering an empty house
one key on the hook
and all the clocks have stopped
Apr 2019 · 208
Writers
Little Bear Apr 2019
Writers are powerful creatures
they can warp and then stop time
they can make you old
young
and die

they can construct dreams
made of ink
that terrify
dreams that span eons of time
and make you wide awake
never sleeping
for one second

they can summon dragons
and storms
create armies
and legions
build castles
and empires
they can burn your village
to the ground
and everything
you hold dear
will be dust

They can make you fearless
victorious
triumphant
leaders of men
warriors in battle
gods on high
mad

They can make you fly
make you crawl
beg for mercy
wish for death

and then
when you thought
they had done
all that they could

vicariously
they live
their darkest fears
through you

by making you
love
Mar 2019 · 395
sin and silt
Little Bear Mar 2019
he is
a tidal wave
sweeping in
with debris
and salt

eventually
to be washed up
on the shore
was preferable
to being dashed
upon the rocks

but the fear
of drowning
under his waves
lungs filled
with his sin
and silt
blood
and bile

lips bloodied
bones bending
tears falling
heart broken

infants crying
run aground
the past thrown
into the present

churned and swelled
the sea bed
giving up
it's dead

the glorious dead
of yesterday

i found
i could swim
while
he lay upon the shore
in his own torment
waiting to be saved
woe is him

he is
a tidal wave
sweeping in
and out
with salt
and debris
sin and silt
Feb 2019 · 238
eat up
Little Bear Feb 2019
anxiety isn't selective
it consumes anyone
any time
any place
despite their age
size
financial situation
social standing
ethnicity
gender
sexuality
values
spirituality
and mental capability  
anxiety isn't logical
it devours all thoughts
and reasoning
for no reason
for every reason
for nothing at all

anxiety eats at the very fabric
of everything you hold dear
and sacred
it takes who ever it wants
and twists their thoughts
and soundness of mind
until they break
and then some

anxiety swallows you whole
and spits you out
then waits for you
hand on the dinner bell
it is a curse
i hope it chokes to death
on me.
Oct 2018 · 367
personal journey
Little Bear Oct 2018
he said he loved me first
and
right from the beginning
i wasn't sure
i felt trapped
and then
then i felt the obligation
to reciprocate

guilt
and the need to appease

how could i
in all good conscience
not love someone
who loved
me?

so i tried
i smiled
and looked inside of myself
for that longing
that he so often
showed me

and i admit
there was a short period of time
that i managed to convince myself
that i too
was in love

perhaps i fed off of that feeling
of being wanted so much
that it felt like love

you know
when you confuse being thirsty
for being hungry
or food
for comfort

turns out i wasn't either hungry
or in need of comfort

i was in desperate want
of solitude

and here we are
wednesday 3rd of October 2018
and at 9:11 am
he boarded a coach
to the airport
so he can fly home

and i am again
single
free

he is a good man
but he is not for me
i like him
with all of my heart

he has understood every word i said
and smiled

saying go
be free

we will remain friends
like in the beginning
before he told me
he loved me
my need to be alone, to be happy in my own company, to be solitary.. defines my soul. only then does my heart and mind quieten. being without i have discovered a peace within.
Little Bear Oct 2018
She wore flowers in her hair
even in autumn
she wore flowers
in her hair

as if
they belonged
next to her beautiful
mind
like the daisies
belonged
growing within
the grass

she was an angel
in a summer dress
whispering
To me
her darkest secrets

like precious gifts
She spilt them
from her sweet tongue
into my mouth

and i knew i would
never again
go hungry
as i ate every
single
one
re-post
Oct 2018 · 297
***
Little Bear Oct 2018
***
I don't think he knows
how much
he fills my
heart;
how
his movements
have made themselves
at home inside..
he makes me want
to push back
the furniture
just so
I can watch
him dance
Re-post :D
Jan 2018 · 1.3k
trees
Little Bear Jan 2018
i don't think
i will ever not be in love
with trees
it makes my heart humble
seeing in one sweeping moment
the expanse
of their life
so beautiful is it
that it must span
the length
and breadth
of the sky...
Apr 2017 · 739
?
Little Bear Apr 2017
?
what if
we just love
instead
Jan 2017 · 835
lamentations
Little Bear Jan 2017
i am sorry
that i will not have
the time
to grow old
and my heart weeps
that i will not see
the world
just one more time
as it once was
i grieve
for all of the futures
that will not be
and the pasts
that will no longer
be retold
i lament day
and night
that it has come
to this

to be present
at
the end
as it begins
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