he told her it was love
in the space between
midnight and never
always and forever

he said
i love you
over and over
never really knowing
half the time
what he truly meant

for all of his words
came
from a lonely heart
the heart that proclaimed
"love"
yet
it did not

and he was remiss
in his affection
as
not for one moment
did he inquire
of her favorite colour
nor
for how she took
her coffee

Shopping :o)

one bag of flour
the self raising kind
a pound of bacon
without the rind

a loaf of bread
a jar of jam
remember the pickle
to go with the ham

dog food and cat food
cheese and coffee
don't forget raisins
and nuts for the toffee

tomatoes, sundried
get those if you're able,
if you're not sure
it will say on the label

toilet rolls, eggs
shampoo and stir fry
get rolls without seeds
heaven knows why

salad and butter
hot dogs and sauce
get reduced fat, low sugar
and lo salt, of course

chocolate and sweetcorn
chicken and stuffing
a chocolate chip, walnut
and blueberry muffin

pizza with pineapple
ham and some cheese
fairy and cookies
ariel fabreeze

turkey, satsumas
not oranges with pips
tin foil and razors
and food bags with zips

nutella is best
it's the one we like most
so get a big jar
to spread on our toast

boys, thank you for helping
It's a great deal to me
oh, and don't forget cake
and biscuits and tea

i'll leave it to you
if there are things that i've missed
Just get what you think
if it's not on the list.

it was so
easy
to love you
the way you
were..

the way we
were..

just..
a breath
away
from heaven

when our eyes
were
closed
hell was no where
to be found

*and yet
we fell
anyway

i don't write
poems
anymore
the words
are not
in my head
to be written
to be said
they are not
in my heart
to be etched
upon the page
they no longer
linger
upon my tongue
whispering
to be sung..
the space
they once
poured from
that hole
within my chest
has been

.. healed?

and
i find
i do not
write
poems
anymore..

not
any
more

i find
myself living
instead

I can't remember
the moment
I fell in love
There were no fireworks
Nor lightening bolts
No movement
of the earth
beneath my feet
Nothing like that..

But..
What I do know is..
it was slow
and sweet
like molasses
licked from a spoon
It was like
an easy
Sunday morning
and sleeping
till noon
Like smooth
creamy coffee
on my tongue
That feeling
of warmth
beneath covers
The taste of your skin
The taste of you

Just..
The way your soul
Loves mine

Yeah..
The way your soul
Loves mine


And All i know is
the world can go to hell
Because I've fallen
In love
And I don't even
remember when

did i let go
of you ?
or did you
let go of me?
did i slip
through
your fingers?
or did you
slip through
mine?
either way
we were
careless
and now..
now
you
couldn't

i'm not even
sure
i know
how to love;
not anymore

i think..
all that i had
you took
with you

and now..
now there's
nothing..
nothing but
a you
shaped hole

where there
was once
sunshine

im going to live
by myself
surrounded by
friends
family
loved ones
thoughts
books
nature
silence
peace
solitude

cats..

but i am not alone
nor am i lonely

i have me
and right now

i am more than enough

and i
never thought
i'd be
so fortunate
to never love like
i really
wished
that i could

but that's okay
because i'm glad
i don't
feel it
like you do
because when you go
i'll be spared
all the things
that most
go through

so i'm okay if you stay
and i'll be okay
if you leave
and i'm okay
if you want to
when i die
that you might grieve

so if you leave me on the side of
the road a while
i promise
i'll just play with the cars
it makes me smile
and i promise if the day comes
and you don't return
your keys
i promise i won't beg you
make a scene  
falling upon my knees

because
i'm okay if you stay
and i'll be okay
if you leave
and i'm okay
if you want to
when i die
that you might grieve

so don't worry
that i'm bleeding
from the inside out
just move along
and sing your song
there's nothing to see
here

because
i'm okay if you stay
and i'll be okay
if you leave
and i'm okay
if you want to
when i die
that you might
once
for me
just
grieve

there is a
need
within us all
to find
our little place
in the world;
to find
what or who
we are

to fit
to find
to be

loved

to find
a peace
within
...
peace
with all that we
were
all that we
are
all that we will
become
...
and the longer
the need to know
whispers in my ear
"are we there yet?"

the more i have come
to realise
it doesn't have to be
one place
one person
one moment
in time
that is mine

because peace
makes itself
manifest

when we
simply give
of ourselves

to every one
every
where

all ways

it's hard to let you go
but i know.. i have to
because
i need you to fly
so i'm going to burn
every picture
of you
into my mind
so i have you
there
for all time
i'm going to dream
of every word
you ever said
and i will forever
want to sleep
with the tears
on my pillow
so i know
you are nearby
i'm going to
love you
for as long
as my heart
will allow
until it tells me
'that's enough
it hurts too much..'
and i finally
let you go

I won't
Close up my heart
And never
Allow it
to be broken again

Even if
Losing everything
Means
To stand here with my
Vulnerability
in my hands
For all the world to see

For counted
Among
All its broken
Pieces
I can see
Loss
And such
Sadness

But I feel it
Because it means
I'm alive

I am
Simply
a small
Human being

That once
was
Lost

And finally
After so many years
Of thinking
I wasnt even human
Because i couldnt feel

Instead of being
Lost

Because i allow
Myself to feel

I am found

Life has taught me
That after loss
Comes
A putting together

One tiny hope
At a time

And honestly

nothing will make
Me more
Blessed to be
Found

Nothing
Will make me
More human
Than that

All I ask
When you
Leave
Is
Just
One thing..

Just
One thing
For me..
Please?

In your story
Please be
Happy
Make every
day
A
New page

Write yourself
As the hero
And everyday
Save your
Princess

And in
Each and every
Chapter
Fight for what
You know
Is right

And..

I love you..

So for me

Please..

All I ask
Is that
You
Make your
Story
Epic

She was the
sky
stretched
so thin
she could not
stop the stars
from falling
a fire storm
that yearned
For its flames
To be
back burned
holding her
from her own
destruction
a tidal wave
wiping land and
forest clear and
in her devastation
Her tears would
never be
Enough
and yet
all she
Is;

All she is

Is  
just a
child

with out
love

begging
to be held

I still don't
understand it

how you have created
such beautiful chaos
in my heart

you have turned
my world
upside down
  
you have made
stars into
song
the sun shines
it's poetry
upon my face;
even the moon
can't explain its
gravity

how can I
possibly make
any sense
of anything
when i feel
love like
that

When i am dead
I want you to
remember
that i loved
you
from deep within
my bones
but

when they scatter
my ashes
You will see
What it meant
for my bones
to be loved
by you  


only
then
will you see
how
Feeling your love
made me fly


That your love
always made me
Fly
without fear
of ever having
to land

he always said he
could count his
flaws on
both hands

but;
I loved him for
the way
his imperfections
made him whole ..

I saw how his
soul
was so
beautifully
torn and

that all of his
imperfectly scattered
pieces
would always
fit together perfectly
with mine

As we lay there
he pulled me close
he knew my eyes
"tell me..
he said..
tell me what troubles
are hidden behind
those eyes, my love
and let us put them
far away"
and as his fingers
softly brushed
the hair
from my eyes..
for the life of me
i couldn't remember
a single
one

They said I might never
fully regain all sensation
I mean
the scars are pretty deep
but
today
i pressed the flesh
testing just to see
Just to see
if the feeling
had come back
and I'm glad to say
it felt good
I could feel the warmth
of my fingertips
gently touching
and I know
that's a good sign..
right?
and maybe
just
maybe
one day
my heart will feel
like it had never
Loved you
at all

I don't think he knows
how much
he fills my
heart;
how
his movements
have made themselves
at home inside..
he makes me want
to push back
the furniture
just so
I can watch
him dance

and for the first
time
in my
life

I felt loved

it was like
the
exhilaration
of free
falling

at
terminal
velocity

without a parachute

trusting you
implicitly

that
with your
pure heart

your
kindness and

your
words of
forever

you had then
fashioned
me wings

taking your delight
as you watched
me soar

Sometimes
The little voice
inside says
"Well there you go,
That just proves your worth,
not very much.. is it?"
And more often than
I'd like to admit
I'm inclined to agree
So I reply
In a smaller voice
*"I know"

even in autumn
she wore flowers
in her hair

as if
they belonged
next to her beautiful
mind
like the daisies
belonged
growing within
the grass

she was an angel
in a summer dress
whispering
To me
her darkest secrets

like precious gifts
She spilt them
from her sweet tongue
into my mouth

and i knew i would
never again
go hungry
as i ate every
single
one

i think love
must be
made of magic

you see..

i watched
closely
as they held hands

touching gently
with their fingers
entwined
like..

if they let go

even for
just
a moment

they would be
lost
without each other
forever..

and  
so

i thought..

what else could love be
if it were not made
of magic?

what else could
hold you
so utterly
and completely
together

with just the
touch of
your
fingertips?

he had a certain kind
of glow
to his love

it shone out of him
like rays
of
sunlight
warming the skin

as it saturated
him;
his gentle spirit
spilled
like
drops
of
sunshine
upon our faces

his eyes
held
daylight
so beautifully

he could
light up the
whole sky

i'm not broken
sure
i've been through a lot
i've been beaten
and worse
i find it hard to trust
and sometimes
i trust
too much
i remain closed off
and yet open
so
wide
i am vulnerable
scared
an anxious bundle of worries
a truly happy soul
i love
i cry
i make bad choices
i believe in fairy tales
i believe in happy endings
yet i see dragons
in men
and their demons
within
but i see light too
in the hearts
of good men
and often
i cower
from both
i have lived
when i thought
i would die
i suffered
the things words
cannot say
and yet
i am not broken
**** that
the last thing
i will ever be
is broken

the sun sets
as he lays down
to rest

a soft touch
of my lips
to his sleeping
eyes
my fingers
tenderly
combing through
his hair

i whisper so quietly
"quel kaima a'maelamin"
his troubles
still linger
between his eyes
and sleep

kisses soft
whispered love
and now
now
they are swallowed
swallowed
by sleeps
soft
whispers

slowly easing
as he drifts softly away
gently kissed
forever loved
as violet and silver dreams
are wished
past his eyelashes  

"take your rest my beloved"

"lle naa vanima"
"quel kaima"

"a'maelamin"
"esta sinome"

*"all is well"

the dust will settle
and i will come
searching
under the ground
to find you

still breathing
still bleeding
still needing
air
my love
i will find one more
breath
for you
as you gasp
and grasp for
for heaven

but
my love
smile with me
let it go
for all we need
to hold onto
is the sky
between our fingers

hands holding tight
look at me
look
at
me
see no lie
place my promise
in your heart
where it belongs

and i will save us both

cry on me
warrior
let your tears
soak
into my skin
for i will carry them
in your stead
and they will be
proclaimed just

and with my voice
your tears
will be heralded
across the sky  
as truth

have faith
in this
for the time
is now fast approaching
for a reckoning
to take place

and i will be humble
in my joy
before you

bearing witness
to your
salvation

and that is why
i love you
because i feel
your gentle spirit
in between
each pause
for breath
i feel
your kindness
seep
through my pores
and find
it's home
under my
skin
and i know
in my
heart
you are pure
golden light
and i will stand firm  
beside you
with pride
by virtue of
your kindness
your want
for peace
your love
for those
lowly
and lost

some times
i feel the need
to pull away
the need
to hide

from everyone

sometimes
i just find the world
so overwhelming
so much about it
crushes my soul
it hurts

but

even when i want
to be invisible
a little voice inside
whispers
'i wish you would
come find me'

and

despite the pain i feel
being trodden
under foot
it simply doesn't
compare
to the pain
of missing you

when all i want to do
is disappear

i feel i am an acquired taste
maybe i'm not everyone's
cup of tea
i am one who will
not always
have the right words to say
but will search high and low
even down the back of the couch
to find ones that will fit
to make you smile
just so i know
you are happy

i won't always have the answers
to life's whys
and wherefores
but if you give me reason
i will believe in you
and follow your lead
to the ends of the earth

my only pleasure
will be in
my giving you
pleasure
i seem to be
wired
that way
it's just how
my heart works
i'm soft
and i can't change it
no matter how hard
i try

i guess most others
want the one
they share their life with
to have spirit
to be feisty
to be strong

but i am very often
none of those things
but
in my own way
i am them all

so
i come as a package deal
complete with fairy lights
a quiet soul
and a sunny disposition
i don't know if that's annoying
probably is
but like i said
i'm not everyone's
cup of tea

but i like coffee
so maybe it doesn't matter
all that much

so for now
i will keep it
to myself
for when the moment comes
and someone asks
to take me out to tea

until then
i will wait
patiently
with hope
behind my eyes
eyes which will always
look upon you
in wonder

i promised myself that i would one day
be happy
as i lay upon the kitchen floor
covered in my own blood

a hand
wedged between my throat
and my next breath

my last thought to myself was
that
if i lived
i would be soft and gentle
no matter what the cost
until my heart no longer beat

i laughed in my head
thinking
that i couldn't play dead
because..
i thought..
what if i was dead already?

so i promised myself..
if i was not dead
this time..
and i did indeed.. live
that i would one day
find love again

i considered it to be a strange thought
to have
as the lights went out

but soon enough
as i hugged myself tight
on our marriage bed
with deep marks upon my skin
and a branding within

i would again
close my eyes
wondering

"I'm sorry to bother you but,
when would be a convenient time to die?"

but my heart wanted something else
and wished of love
instead

so i promised myself
i would be kind
as i felt my feet lift from the ground
and swing above the floor
my back against the wall
held aloft
by my neck

i held my breath
and looked past the face
pressed in anger against mine
for just a glimpse of sunshine
just so i knew
there was another day
out there..
somewhere..

but afterwards
i then promised myself
i would always be honest
and seek the truth

as bitter lies and untruths
were molded into my reality
and i was force fed
every poisonous word

so i listened carefully
to how i had failed
to how i had lied
to how i had become
'oh such a miserable wretch'
and i believed every word
to be so

"Would it be an inconvenience..
if i died now?"

and then after that
i promised myself
that i would always
give my hands in love

as the blood warmed blade
found it's way to my throat
begging to pierce the skin
that was already scarlet
from my nose
my eye
my mouth

and so
the metal branded me
in unseen places
instead

and i thought to myself
no matter how hard i tried
the blood
dripping onto the carpet
would never come out..

and there must be
another way to live..
one that didn't mean
everyday
that i died

so i made promises
to myself
to be less
inconvenient
and more
myself

and then you see..
no matter what i endured
it always came back to.. me
came back to me..

that to stay alive
i would then make a promise
to myself
so i could get through
that day

"Okay so how about now?
if it's not too much trouble..
can I die now?"

so i promised myself
i would be good
i promised myself
that one day
i would have worth
i promised myself
that i one day
i would find myself again
under all of this life
that had fallen on top of me

so i listened to the incessant
little voice in my head
the one that made all the promises
and that chattered happily all day long
and sung me to sleep at night
it told me of hope
and of all the things i could be

and the lower my body fell
the louder her voice became
until she was all that i could hear
she fed my heart courage
and my mind, truth
she gave my spirit hope
and she promised me
very faithfully
that i would
always live
to see this day

the pieces of
us
are set in motion

to travel
in this time
on our planet
together

sharing the same days
and the same nights

the same oceans
and the same skys

all of our time
here
together

and through
which ever way
we touch

through
which ever time
we span

where ever
we may
be

we can choose
to travel
our lifetimes

with
and within
each other

and to what ever
end
our time will
set aside
for us

we can take
comfort

in that

we will
not be alone

we do not travel
this time alone

because now
we have each other

i find
my heart
does not talk of love
from beyond the clouds

nor does it
speak love
in it's searching
the heavens

it hears no whisper
of love
swimming among
a myriad of stars
outside of the
sky

i find
my heart
seeks love
from within the hearts
of man
and within
the peace of
the earth

that is where
i hear love

that is where
i speak love

for within the
ground
i am home

seeing as clear
as the day
that rises before me
the soul
the spirit
which lay
behind the eyes
of blue
and brown

I don't think
there was any other
way
to have described
him
I could have
compared him
to the heavens
above
And to the stars
in the night sky
To joy
To love
and beautiful
blessings bestowed
But
he
Gave me
peace
deep
within in my bones
and a belonging
holding softly
to my heart
And so
i find
the only
way
I could have
described
him
was to call him
*home

we see the same sun
and stars
you and i
breathing in
the same air
tasting
the same water
and yet
we struggle
trying to teach
to teach each other
of our want to
be loved

soft and broken soul
you are already
beloved
you are precious
beyond measure
so believe me
when i say
even the smallest sparrow
knows of your heart
even when you
have no words to say

fathoms full
and filled deep
Until the sea washes
back out
leaving silt
under my finger nails
and while the tide  
has marked a line
above my head
I'm still not sure if
I can breathe

the very idea
that we are just here
to struggle
to live
and to work
until we die

seems somewhat
absurd
and yet

there are those
who would say

to live out your
dreams
and to love
without limits
and to search
in all ways
for light

is such a fanciful notion

but i think..
i would much rather have a life
full of fanciful notions
than absurd ones

let us be dreamers
shall we?
yes
dreamers of dreams
dreams that we
make  
come to be

for no one
who thought
good things
nor held out
their hands

and

loved
(lived)

the way

dreamers

do

could possibly
look back
wishing

wishing
they had dared
to dream
just one more dream

wishing they
had done
just one
more thing

to make their
dreams
their reality

in my room
there's a small cupboard
it's cosy
and warm
like a reading nook
and it's dark
and quiet
but i have fairy lights
so that's okay
that's okay
and cookies
cookies are good too
cookies are good
and there's a blanket inside
made just for me
just my size
not too big
just my size
it's yellow
it's yellow
yellow
like summer
it's fluffy
and
it's.. it's..
safe
yes..
it's safe
and everything will be okay
won't it?
okay..?
okay..
yes everything will be
okay?
so I need to be here
because..
because
the outside
grew very big today
and it hurts
to be
not here
so
I need to be here
and i need small
and i need soft
and i need quiet
i need.. okay

i wish for my
petals
to be cast
upon the ground

to soften your steps

so that you feel
what it is
to feel

my love
my comfort
my love

feeling fragrance
upon your skin
the colour
and softness
within

my pleasure
is yours

quietly letting the softness
in

walking with love

my love

under your skin

something in me aches
you know?
i just can't figure it out
so i lay in the grass
looking at the blue
above

and this ache

this ache
sinks

sinks
deep

deep
into the ground

allowing peace
a gentle peace
to take it's place

and the blue sky
above
tells the truth
to the
brown eyes
below

a
softly
softly
unraveling
truth

and i feel

from the
brown earth
beneath
to the
blue sky
above

it
is
love

in the most beautiful way
he was there

for when i silently cried
for when i smiled
for when i had
no words
to say

for when i had
no words
left
in me
and none to
give away

for when
my heart
whispered
it's secrets

and for each
and every word
i could not utter

he was listening

and
in my silence

he heard me
still

The size of the world
never changes
and yet
there are times
when it feels
so very big,
or maybe
it's just me,
feeling so
incredibly
small,
so
incredibly
small  
that i wonder
if I might slip
through the cracks..
and disappear
entirely

in his love
my spirit softened
like a fragrant balm
had been soothed
over the raging storm
of my disquieting
thoughts,
within my soul
the storm
had been quelled
and a stillness
fell about
my feet
like autumn leaves
softly
silently
covering the ground
blanketing
that
which i always wished
would swallow me
whole