"–and in the angst of being so lost in the depths of my head
I saw words bubbling through to the surface
keeping me afloat when feelings of safety had long ago drowned."

Each and every text hit me like
Little sparks of fire,
Each of them igniting
And enveloping me
In this new feeling,
Spreading warmth across my body
Like warm butter,
Seeping in and soaking.
Popcorn popping in my stomach,
Bouncing up and down,
Warm and addicting.

I smiled.

So this is what it feels like to be loved.

I used to admire Van Gogh for how lovely he could make simple sunflowers look,
But then I saw you,
and I wonder how jealous Van Gogh would be of your beauty.

You’re a gorgeous sunset, only a horizon away. You’re a car crash with hazard lights blinking, or a quiet painting on a well. You're a gentle snowfall, or an open flame. You can be a starry November night, or a crash of lightning that makes my heart feel like thunder.

You're anything that can make me stop and stare.

Just like the seasons you became colder with time
The boy who used to be filled with warmth was now an icy block of self loathing
and I couldn't bare the biting way you looked at me when I said I didn't love you back
I made you cold and stole your warmth
I'm sorry
and if you were to **** me I would not blame you
I can only blame myself
And if your life were to end by your own hand
I would feel soaked in your blood
because I was to blame for your death
and I'm sorry
There are so many words in my head
and some just aren't enough

All my thoughts
I cannot write
Quite so quickly
As they come
A million thoughts
In less than a second
And some are not
supposed to be written
some cannot be
summed up into words
some are just
feelings and life
Like I cannot capture
into words
How the sun looks
or how it shines
off the dew
or how the
golden glimmer
of your smile
can light up
this whole town
or how your eyes
are so blue
like ice
yet you have the warmest hug
like a fall day
when its breezy
but the sun is on your back
You are fall
beautiful colors
all the colors
of the sun
A warm sweater
pumpkin pie
Thanksgiving
Halloween
and slowly
you move into
winter
because
you fall
out of love
and your smile
isn't quite so bright
and the sun
wont shine
So the cold is biting
and I see all your beauty
But that is all
still beautiful
but cold
You have lost
the blue
in your eyes
Now
they are gray
like the fog
in winter
and I don't love
you
I loved fall
and even this doesn't capture my thoughts
but it calms them
to some degree
but without my thoughts
my mind
echos
So
Do I catch them
and mayhaps write them down
some thoughts
are not made for writing
but
I will write them
because
I miss the fall

I've finally got you in my grasp,
My heart pounding,
My smiles growing,
My butterflies more vicious than ever.

Just when I've finally wrapped my kind around
The impossibilty of you-
You're such an unbelievably amazing person, you know-
Everything seems to drag you away.

Now I'm only holding onto a few fingers,
My desperate clutch yearning
To rock your body once more,
But nothing ever seems to be okay.

Death invited you through his door,
Pushed you in
So you lay there,
Foot in,
Foot out.
Him holding your left hand,
Me holding you right.

I need to pull harder.

I'm not leaving you outside my heart
well I am,
but I'm not
not-telling you anything I know

there's walls inside my own mind I'm not allowed to cross
they don't have doors, I'd have to climb
and then jump
so I'd be falling
for a long time

and nobody knows how broken I'd be if I'd survive the fall

so unless
you know how to buy a parachute
and help me climb the walls
you just have to
accept
there're things about me you'll
never know