Today, I held my mother's hand and cried.

Knowing the next time she might hold my hand, it would be cold and attached to a lifeless body.

She could not see my tears, for her back was turned away, her fragile body motionless as she grips my hand softly.

I traced her rough, wrinkled, worn out fingers and closed my eyes.

I'm sorry, Mom, for self infliction is the way I'll die.

I was never a bad kid.
I was always the goody two shoes.

Until the day I foolishly fell in love with you like I did.
And your fingerprints became my favorite tattoos.

Imprints all over my body I so gladly let it cover me like silk satin blankets.
We sneaked into places, locking doors with our special keys, revealing our skins like dark and ***** secrets we whisper in the night.

constantly letting the thrill of getting caught by our parents as we giggle late into the sea of stars, twinkling with every "I love you" we would say to each other every 5 minutes.
Even going to the extent of sneaking around confessing to each other about everything under the reflection of the moonlight.

Loving you made me feel so alive, so secure, so dangerous, so amazing, I began to see you in my future as if I suddenly got the chance to see through a crystal ball.
I began to plan where I would be and how much I would need, I even began to think of running away.

You don't realize how much it destroyed me when you said you couldn't do it anymore. I could feel myself spiraling back down in a lonely fall.
And now, here I am, covered in your fingerprint tattoos, and the thoughts of running away just to **** myself without a say.

I look in the mirror, revealing myself, wanting to rip my skin until I see a skeleton.
I lock myself in my room for fear that I'll break down in the places we snuck ourselves into.

Knowing you know all of my secrets too.
I used to be a goody two shoes.

And here I am, sitting on the mattress that started and broke this love,
Wishing I could smoke my lungs to charred black, filling my stomach with hard alcohol, drag the cold sharp metal across my entire body, and lay as I start the beginning of the end,
Only this time, it isn't you and I,

It's just me.

whatever you do,

please don't leave me alone on this day in which i mourn
over the death of my heart and my soul

please hide away all the knives,
cut your vegetables with a spoon or something.

dont leave me alone in this house,
i'll be sure to make company with my demons.

flush down the pills,
dont let me find the key to the medicine cabinet.

make sure to call or message me,
i cant stand being alone today.

dont shave your body today with those razors,
i'll be tempted to turn my skin into paper snowflakes.

please dont let me lock myself in my room,
i'll take the opportunity to meet my doom.

please dont leave me alone to cry in my closet alone,
i'll be sure to make my arms drip the sadness out.

and for ****'s sake,
please dont pass this off as just another overreacted poem.

i need you to be with me on the 11th, and make sure i'll make it until the 12th.

i need help. i cant breathe today. i dont want to be alive today. please dont leave me alone today.

I have gotten so used to the vastness of dark spaces,

I began to believe they are my friends.

'The sun loved
the moon so much
that he died
every night
to let her breathe.'

the beautiful forbidden lovers
never able to meet
to share warm kisses

but I remember the sneaky Moon
she sneaks out of her dark domain
I see her in bright daylight
swathed in the Sun's golden touch
opposite in the sky
they watch each other
with love so pure

although she is forbidden
in his bright domain
she is there
because she believes
that nothing is impossible

and the day comes
when they can meet
for but a few minutes
they embrace in fire
and we stare in wonder
as they meet
but then they must
drift apart
with broken hearts

she blows him kisses
whispers
'goodnight, my love'
as he sinks beneath the horizon
bursting into colors
and the Moon cries
and whispers
⠀⠀
'I love you.'❋