she just wants to be loved so badly
she just craves warmth too much
she gave all of it away hoping to get it back
but gambling with The Fates is rough
she longs for the moon which watches her at night
the off-white toothless smile has got her back

yet when day comes the moonlight fades
and with the warmth the moon leaves
the moon doesn't offer warmth and the light deceives
in the long, cold and black sky the moon watches

she just wants fruits she can never taste
a blooming in her heart she'll forever have
day and night
The Fates do not waver
they do not fall to tampers
perhaps they pitied her and took the moon away
letting her bask in the warmth she craved
day by day
hoping she'll walk out of the darkness
and stop the fruitless search of a crescent

the wooden bridges connecting you and me
on the day you decided to leave
on the day I realised you weren't coming back
I tore them down, I burned them down
ripping the charred wood as though
wrenching my ribs out of my chest
one by one didn't hurt at all

by the time I reached the last bridge
which still connects you and me
(on the bridge carved both your name and mine)
I dismantled the bridge with the expertise of a carpenter
one by one the wooden planks fell to my side
I didn't build a campfire with them
this last bridge
shall be a memory

with the wood I built a boat
a little boat carrying only me
in this little boat I sail towards the open sea

"Only in the darkness can you see the stars"
But what if this star hung up in the cold black sky
This star the only guiding light in the shrouding suffocating darkness
Wasn't meant for me?
To touch it
Meant hot white flames searing through my skin
Losing an arm
To look at it
Meant steel blades cutting my eyes
Blinding me
This star
The *only star I see in the darkness
Why can't it be meant for me?
Why save me from the darkness
Only to push me down this endless pit again?

Raindrops
I lifted my head to face the drizzling rain
Little streaks in the background
Wetting my cheeks, damping my hair, soaking my clothes

Rain clouds overhead
Grey cotton puffs in the vast and wide sky
Shielding the light, bringing the cold with them
I stood in the pouring rain, letting the chill sink into my bones
Like needles boring into my joints
Do I have an umbrella?
Yes, yes I do.
It's in my hand, waiting to be opened.
Do I want to use the umbrella?
Perhaps.

But the rain makes me feel
Even if the only thing I feel is pain
I'd want to feel alive

Sheets of white piling up on my desk
Red alerts with red flags flooding my mail
The little ping, ping, ping of incoming messages from various correspondents
Demanding my attention

"You should learn to say no; stop doing everything by yourself."

Once, my insides would clench and I'd feel like I'd been
Kicked in the shin whenever I see something that reminds me of you
But now, search as I might, I can no longer see your face
Even down memory lane, you've vanished as suddenly as you did in reality

Other events flow like running water, with the clarity of a clear lake
Yet when I try to recall the words you said
It was as if a mischievous kid decided to mess with the tap
On; off. On... off. On... off. On; off.
A buffering in my mind like chopped up notes of a song when a video wouldn't load properly
1991. 9893. 0306. 162. 0341. Numbers are all I remember.
How did
Your smile look like?
How did your voice
Sound like?

I stare at the excel sheet I've been populating
I stare at the values I've been entering
One after another, work requests come
One after another, the traces of you go

a churning in your abdomen
like the clenching of your fists to show the whites of your knuckles
like the contracting of your heart muscles to pump blood from head to feet

a low growl
like a beast's when it sees prey after starving for days
crouching low, stalking, waiting to pounce

a waft of fresh blood
the animal had lunged; it caved into ******* desires,
incisors cutting through sinews

warm red liquid spilling all over
a ****** mess, clouding vision
a beast devouring, feeding until it's the only one standing
the only one cackling

a gulp
of fresh air clears the mind
is one meal enough to satiate the beast?
through a reflection one sees their beast
lingering, hiding amongst shadows
dormant, creeping beneath stained skin

"Out, ****** spot!"
but from head to feet, the ****** is me.

cotton candy in pink, blue, white
fluffy and fearless before sparkling eyes
I disappear into them
you'll never see me again

clouds of smoke in black, grey, white
I find myself breathing (or so I thought)
the ghost of me lays peacefully in white  
my limbs trapped in toffee (and there I rot)

cotton candy hardens into sticky toffee
when water touches it
when my lips touch it
soft to touch but never mine to hold

sweet candy in carnival colours
neon lights and bubble pop
I didn't believe the shadows in your eyes
or the sweet wrappers you trample on

a poisoned apple you offered me
"It's poisoned," you warned me
so who is to blame for this tragedy?
well, it's always been me, me, me.