There are no ultimatums for me
Just sick gray’s and dull knives

you say you're addicted to my kisses and when i cry to you you hold me and i know you'll never let go.

your warmth has spread throughout me and thawed my icy interior.  

your persistence scares away my sadness, while your laugh keeps me going and your smile keeps me steady.

i'm selfish enough to keep you to myself and you're selfless enough to let me and sometimes i get a little too upset, but you say it's okay because you get it.

god knows i'm trying for you and i can tell you know too. you've replaced my broken pieces with something better and you're willing to struggle to keep it all together

and i could push you away a million times and you'd come back a million and one more.

i love you more than i love myself and i know nobody will love you like i do,
but of all the people you could've fallen in love with, i apologize that it was me.

i had a friend once,
and she taught me
not to say "i love you too,"
because it sounds false and inauthentic,
and little white lies are worse than the cold, hard
truth.

i had a friend once,
and she taught me
that you don't have to do anything;
it's simply a matter of whether you should
or shouldn't.

i had a friend once,
and she lived in a small, boring town
with small boring people.

i had a friend once,
and she was not a small, boring person.

i had a friend once,
and she hated herself,
every last inch of her,
but she still always knew
how to make me smile.

i had a friend once,
and she would always reference books
or music
or movies,
because to her,
the real world just wasn't as appealing.

i had a friend once,
and i left her.

she stayed.

she waited.

i'm sure her hope wavered at times,
but she waited still.

and i came back,
only to leave again.

she didn't stick around this time, though.

so, you see,
i had a friend once,
and she taught me
to think deeply,
to live freely,
and to love truly.

i had a friend once.

she's gone now.

(a.m.)

i.

they say that when you drown,
it's nothing like in the movies;
it's silent.
there's no splashing,
no screaming,
no kicking or crying for help.

just
silence.

and i guess it's true,
for i am drowning --
there is water in my lungs,
pouring into my heart,
filling my veins and escaping from my eyes --
yet i cannot speak.

i am rendered speechless
by you.

ii.

i'm not so sure if it's
the smooth white sand
ingrained in your skin,

or the intricate seashells
that are your daintily painted
fingernails.

maybe it's the pulsing red
of a moon during high tide
that shines through
your scarlet lips,

or maybe
it's the crashing waves
filling the ocean in your eyes.

maybe it's the way you sweep me up
and pull me under,
stealing my breath,
invading my thoughts.

or maybe it's how you
are unpredictable.
you are in alliance with the erratic skies
and fickle moon,
and yet,
no one can control you,
no one can predict your next move.

iii.

i find it fascinatingly beautiful
how easy it is
for you to destroy yourself,
how you hide within raging whirlpools
and tear yourself apart from the inside.

people are afraid of the ocean,
but the ocean is a part of you.
who knows, though?
maybe you're scared of the ocean too.

iv.*

beware the girl with the ocean eyes,
for a heart that is eaten away by the sea
can never be whole again.*

(a.m.)

Name in which I hid behind.
Lucy a girl who had daddy issues and like me stood to fight.
Guy a boy who saw the future was undefined.
Jessica Pfeiffer the person no longer afraid to hide what she wrote and is ready to take flight.

She was drowning in an ocean full of broken diamonds;
each shard sharper than the other
cutting into her creamy skin and filling the ocean blue
with a velvet red

But she didn't feel anything,
her body was paralyzed by fear and her lungs exhausted
Yet she wasn't thinking of how young she was
Or all of her hard work
She wasn't praying like she thought she would do in her final moments
because there was something more important than all of that to her
She didn't care what her funeral would look like
Nor what the tombstone would read
She didn't care that she probably had a minute or two to live
In her final moments all she was thinking was

Will you remember me?

Some things fall apart and can't be put back together

Don't let them destroy you, you're better than that

I'm sorry I broke our promise

It wasn't your fault

I never told you, but yes, you are beautiful.

I love you

She had drowned in an ocean full of broken diamonds;
*his eyes were the sharpest, and cut her the deepest