Childhood innocence
Endless imagination and
Enchanted memories
Never stop to think about
Impermanence
Several years later those same warm eyes
Holding hands and
Laughing and
A breath of cigarette smoke

I want to smoke my lungs to ash
I want to scream and open up my ******* veins
I want to bleed and know that this will be the last time
And as the life leaves my body
I’ll sigh and hope you’re okay
It never was your fault anyway

oh lord how she is grace and beauty

oh devil how he is strong and tender

she is the water and the sky

he is the fire and the ground

her smoothness softness valleys and rolling hills caressed by the moon

his roughness sharpness ridges and hard lines forged in the sun
she is my calm my love my shelter

he is my excitement my passion my adventure

she takes me down slow and enfolds me in her gentle soothing light

he brings me up higher higher riding a wave of fire through the night

oh lord how she is soft and lovely

oh devil how he is vibrant and invincible

To be quite honest this
Concept is strange to
Me I'm just
Myself but
To others my
Mind is abnormal
I ponder things other
Couldn't care less about
I understand concepts most
People ignore
And yet
I feel stupid quite often
Much of my mind is unexplored
I daren't venture into the
Cavernous chambers of
Scorn I have for myself and
Those who aren't intelligent because
Who am I to think myself
Superior to anyone?

High expectations
So many limitations
Is there any way to go
When my mind is always racing
I'm chasing a life I was not born into
Statistically one I'll never achieve
Chest heaving
Hands shaking
I've got to get out of my head
These thoughts of my mortality
Will be what makes my end

Each day begins with

The type of thoughts that

I’d rather not disclose because

You may think i’m ****** or

Just kind of indisposed

I read somewhere the gene for

Artistry carries a Foe

A higher predisposition for these

Thoughts that make me groan and

Some say this disordered thinking simply

Means I’m contemplative even

Intelligent or

Just closed off to the thought of being

Content

Aint that a word

The idea to be content to be

Ok with all the things i’ve done

Satisfied with my work enough to

Say it’s good enough?

No not something i can do

As an Artist I spend my days lying in

Contempt of my own mind

Brilliantly undefined to the point of

Madness

Painting for hours on end

Looking up when the suns gone down

Massaging numbness from cold fingers

Writing pages by lamplight

Tearing papers in frustration

Whitewashing paintings in a fit of

Inadequacy

As an Artist

Nothing you do will ever be the best

Not even your best

A constant crushing cacaphony of all the potential and possibilities

If youre like me you know

Every second you’re betraying your own potential to do better

Every moment not improving is a moment disrespecting

What you were given

But every moment working to improve is hellish

Scrapping line after line of useless poetry and

Smudged up paintings

The empty expanses of echoing thought
My mind quaking and shaking and break-
-ing
How can one say this is innocuous teenage angst?
These lines only express to the power of the words I know how to put in them
My world is abuzz with a cacophony of noises
Each one of them violently wrenching me out
Out of this calm I made for myself
Out of the focused escapism I constructed here
Out of the menial meandering monotonous tasks
A blow to my skull all at once
I sit dazed and unfocused once again
All the senses overwhelmed once again
My head spinning, tornado, once again
I try to wrench myself back but they’ve cut the string
I’m left here ‘til the next time
The next time it all fades away
The next time it all makes sense
The next time i'm one of them
If only for a fleeting bit of time
If only for a single task completed
If only for a moment’s respite
To be like one of them is to be half myself
But in their world half myself is twice myself
Can I ever hope to understand why they desire to live as if nothing is happening?
To be like one of them is to be someone else
To be like one of them is to be enough
And yet to be like one of them is to give up
So much of myself denies the desire to be like them, and so much of me wants nothing more.

I sit here clenching my fists

Staring at this paper unwelcoming

Blank can mean a lot of things but today I cant think

I cant stay alive

I’m sorry friend I need to **** my mind

This paper in front of me as blank as my plans for the future
and every time I try to draw its as sloppy and flawed as my actions
every word I try to write is hectic and frenzied like my thoughts
and I’ve abandoned all meaning all meter and rhyme no longer separated into lines individual but a mass like the demons that corner me when im least expecting like the pain in my teeth when the novocaine wore off I didnt know didnt expect i knew it was coming but i was writhing when it hit just like this and i cant get my mind to slow the ebb and flow because this tornado is killing me the meds dont do much I cant take it much longer!

I find myself breaking down again
time and time again I remember the flaws
the mistakes and the lies
I spiral and lie in denial
i'm on trial in my mind for the crimes i've committed
but no, wait, this isn't my doing
the demon inside of me trying to win,
its goal to vanquish and I wanna give in,
the only way to triumph,
the only way to get by,
is to begin to recognize when its me
and when it's my demons
they whisper and taunt
and tell me to die
sometimes it's hard
I don't know how to cope sometimes
I don't know how to trust
It takes all I have sometimes
Just to continue this ******* waste of a life

These hands of mine are shaking violent

Quaking as tidal waves of doubt wash through me

My insecurities eat me up inside as I try

To tell you how I feel like I’m not real and

How I know that if I were to go away

You wouldn’t know any better than if I stayed

And if I cry I might as well

Just tell you about the hell I’m

Living in because my tears show

What my eyes and mouth will never tell they hold

The remnants of my innocent soul and

That’s not something I have much left of due to

The pain I’ve been in all these years the

Suicidal thoughts the ideation all the

Lies and trials and tribulations I’ve

Had to go through all alone

But it was really by choice now

Wasn’t it when I said

That I was fine

And didn’t let you in my mind

I say it was because I felt

Too insecure to share too anxious

To speak of all my thoughts as if

It was Pandora’s box for

The evil in my brain

So instead my hands shake and you ask me

Why do they tremble when all the wind is gone

And it is silent

And I close my eyes to block the tears and tell you just

As those we love are with us

So is all the fear of

Yesterday it was dark and windy and raining and storming

And all around me there were demons howling and I was

Crying and screaming and bleeding but it was me

My fault

I choked

Ive been pondering too much lately on what it takes to live

For i've never been truly happy but I give all I can give

I'd rather sit here behind my screen and tell you it’s ok

While inside i'm crumbling and thinking that it's over or at least it will be soon

I insist upon hope for tomorrow, but I still cut my wrists

I’m a liar, a hypocritical fraud, but I hope you listen to my words and believe the part that’s true

Because death isn't the answer, at least, not for you

And while i'm struggling to find myself and trying to stay alive, the thing that gives me purpose is helping you decide

To see the hope and see the light and I watch your angel eyes

As you turn back to heaven while I stifle my desperate cries