I want to be in love with myself
with my skin
with my smile
with my soul
I want to be in love with life
with waking up
with daylight
with the fact that I’m alive
I was blessed with this body and it’s capability to breath
But I hate this body and every **** breath.

Today I didn't eat.
Yesterday I didn't sleep.
And tomorrow I don't think I'll shower.
But maybe the day after that I'll be myself again. Maybe I'll make a list of all the things I need to do. Call my mom. Wash my sheets. Read a book. But maybe the list will just lie beside me in bed and laugh and laugh and laugh when I can't even raise my head off the pillow.
Today I didn't eat.
But today I did drink.
I drank two bottles of beer and the salty tears that dripped down my face and landed into my mouth.
Yesterday I didn't sleep.
But yesterday I did dream.
I dreamt of a world where depression doesn't exist and where thoughts cannot be evil and where the worst self harm you could do is clipping your nails just a little too short.
Tomorrow I don't think I'll shower.
But tomorrow I will think about dying. And I will think about a life better than the one I'm living. And I will think about what my mom would do if she couldn't hold her baby anymore. And I will think about what the people at school would say. And I will think about who would come to my funeral. And I will think about if anyone's life's would even ******* change at all.
But today and didn't eat.
And yesterday I didn't sleep.
And tomorrow...

What I do know
Is that your breath on my ear makes my spine ache.
What I do know
Is that your hand on my thigh makes my fingers tremble.
What I do know
Is that your words on my mind makes my heart sprint.
What I do not know
Is why you effect me like you do
And when I fell in love with you
But what I do know
Is that i want the aches, trembles, and sprints,
I want you
To be my forever.

I know you're supposed to be that thing
That thing that keeps me grounded.
That thing that keeps my feet on the floor.
That thing that keeps me from drifting away.
But lately I've been floating.
And I don't know if you know what that feels like.
It feels timeless
     and weightless
     and sunless
     and empty.
I feel empty.
My days melt to weeks and my weeks melt to months.
My body feels like a crisp breeze of air that I just can't inhale.
My eyes only see through a cloudy, dismal, forsaken lense.
And well gravity,
It's all because you seem to be absent.
Now I need you to understand that I'm not asking you to hold me down.
Because I'd rather float aimlessly than be trapped under your hold.
But I just know that if we work together,
We can create a beautiful compromise of flying and crawling
And I think normal people just call that living.
Don't get me wrong the blood is pumping through my veins so I know i'm alive
But if your lips can no longer muster the energy to smile
And your eyes can no longer muster the energy to cry
And if the forces of attraction are no longer attracted to you
Are you really living?

I'd always been afraid of becoming addicted to drugs.
The kinds that will keep you hostage after just one use.
But nobody ever warned me about becoming addicted to a person.
The kind that keep you hostage after just one kiss.
I remember everywhere we would go, you always had to be touching me.
Drawing small circles on the palms of my hands.
Playing with the ends of my hair.
Hugging me.
Kissing me.
Hurting me.
I became so accustomed to your hands on my body that every time you left I felt like I was going through withdrawls.
So even after the third blow
And even after me screaming at you to leave
I would tell you to please just hit me one more time
Because i'd rather feel your hands inflicting pain on my body than not feel them at all.
But yet I would always tell myself,
I'm not addicted
And I don't need you
And this is the last time
And despite every wave of insecurity crashing down on my mind, one small thought stays afloat;
I cannot survive without you.
So where was my warning sign
My caution content is highly addictive sign
My run like hell in the opposite direction sign
My no amount of bread and wine can heal this pain sign
And jesus christ there is so much pain.
I'd always been afraid of becoming addicted to drugs.
The kinds that will keep you hostage after just one use.
But look at me now
****** and ******* have got nothing on me
I'm addicted to the newest drug and it's called losing your self worth.
Its called choking on any small shred of confidence you have left.
Its called hating the person who lives inside of your skin because they most certainly are not you.
But nobody ever warned me about becoming addicted to a person.

You tell me it's natural for people to grow apart,
but good god is it natural for tears to stop drying?

We're not the cliche of a broken record stuck on the same one line.

We're not the cliche of a fourth grade arm cast signed by everybody and nobody you know.

We're not the cliche of a dandelion being blown to fragments by the wind before your lips ever got the chance.

My dad always told me that to be cliche would be the worst thing to happen in life.

But then he left me
and you did too,

so it's no surprise that we became the cliche of whiskey running down my throat because it burns less than your hands ever did.

Because I am the extreme,
I have one toe dipped in the pool of insanity while the rest of my body is soaked in numbness.
Because I am the extreme,
I have a high like Halloween sprinkles on a ice cream cone or like classic rock on a lazy Sunday drive.
Because I am the extreme,
I have a low like a tear drenched pillow on your all too familiar bed or like the sound of your voice explaining why you left me.
Because I am the extreme,
I'm going to love you until I hate you and hate you until
I love you
I love you
I love you
Because I am the extreme.

but the wind is so strong
and the trees are so bent
that they make me think that I'm sideways.
sometimes you do that to me too
because your love is so strong
and your words are so bent.
i've never liked being sideways.

You don't like to drive far,
It makes you car sick.
So today I drove from border to border,
Because you'd never follow me all that distance.
But in spirit you came,
In your old stick shift.
Driving circles inside my dizzy head.
And instead it was me who was car sick.