i was young...
well, younger than now----
it was when it first struck me
it struck me hard.
it struck me like reality...
but more like
reality when reality comes
in the face of your
family
all in chains...
then, reality looks like dreams altogether;
no not fantasy----
not exactly a nightmare either
more like
----ecstasy-----
"you are a special weapon"
"something of great potential"
"and massive power"
"but you only have one shot"
mom always used to say.
i even once thought
she stashed some kind of
deathray or sting ray or something
in my arm----
----it won't be the first thing
she stuffed in me anyway...
i was eight years old when she
finally continued the sentence.
before total silence.
"make it count."
"cause whether you hit"
"or even if you miss..."
"you would be broken"
"shattered-----"
"torn to pieces-----"
"torn apart."
"so please"
"don't"
"break"
"yourself"
"shooting"
"for"
"nothing."
she never taught me
how to use
the weapon
myself-----
she just fragmented
in tears before splintering
tearing to shards herself
it took me til 15
that i was afraid
to yet touch
even stare
even think
nothing.
i never knew
what i was capable of
i never knew how
to control
to even activate
all i knew was that
i was powerful
i don't know what of
but i have to save it
keep it live it nurture it
store it amass it seep it
savor it understand it
study it feel it
polish it train it
let it breathe
let it sing
i could hear it sing
i could feel it whisper-----
and i was so afraid...
all i saw of my mother was
that she was in pieces
long before i knew her.
shambles
and
shackles
and i don't want to be that when i fire----
it wasn't supposed to strike me
but it did, and it struck me hard
reality
i was 16 when i
first made the discovery
----love-----
all at once
and much, much too completely---- all off guard.
it was like
you suddenly turned
a blinding light
on something that had always been
half a shadow
that's how it struck me...
that's how it shattered me...
it's like a full flashback
of my mother saying
'i told you so'
except she never did.
and it struck me.
like i hit the right target at the wrong time
or the opposite of it
but truth is
i just hit
a poltergeist
way too soon
and it wasn't like
it was the wind that was hit----
that's how it struck me,
love
and that's how it tore me apart.
----fragmented----
and it did not take me long
to realise what glass cannons we were...
all my life
i never tried to
activate my strength
and when i did
it imploded.
it was a long time...
and i was blinded----
it wasn't the hit
nor was it the miss
that tore me apart
it was love that broke me
because shattered pieces
are not
all that bad
splinters...
shards...
fragments...
blades...
one shot was all it took
to break my heart
and so suddenly...
every part of me...
was a weapon
everyone who held me
hurt
bled
cried
pained
burned
wailed
enraged
agonized
they turned to anger
then turned to hate
they turned to each other
pretty soon turning to waste
it was then that it struck me
what a glass cannon is----
and it was until now that i was eluded...
for that long a time
i thought shards were
all love could offer...
fragments were
all romance could be
i met
your father
your father
your father
your father
and your father
all through different shards
until i saw what i had
all in shambles
and
all in shackles
just like my mother
that's when it struck me
---ecstasy---
cause looking into your eyes
my children
i love you
as a whole
not like with your fathers
or like with the guys before them
or like the guys before the other guys
i wanted more than ever
to love you
more than
a few shards
all tainted
with blood
or with anger
or with both----
that's when it hit me
and it hit me with so much pain...
what my mother really should have said.
being a glass cannon
doesn't mean being
a weapon to hurt others-----
it means one day,
no one knows when,
but it will surely come
like a thief in the night...
love
and you will give your all
even if it shatters you to pieces
and even if you are already in pieces
because you know love
can make you again whole.
Inspired by one of the most famous lines spoken by the protagonist Blanche in the play A Streetcar Named Desire---- the line shown in bold and italics----
Title by Marianne