I say:
Do you want me to pretend you do not exist?

She says:
Do as you wish.

I perceive:
All I was once you moved onto the next,
A waste of breath.

What a mutual perception process,

You keep on running and now I have nothing but my beliefs.

And what do you have?
Your cup is empty

It would be full but...
You poke holes in all the words I speak

My toxic mind is my escape
These days,
I confuse pain for anger

Anger for pain

I invest, but never earn
I ask myself: will I learn?
I already know.

My hopes turn to dust,
When death whispers no.
I wish... I become optomistic...
I tell myself don't.

Sometimes I feel as though I want to live
I can not hold on,
When there is no rope.

I have fallen down the wishing well...
I have fallen in a hole.

Vitriolics follow me and I,
Can not see my life through a bigger scope.

I look at all the stars and know
I am the daughter of the sun itself
I am not the center just the product
Of perfect hell.

I ask myself: will I always be afraid?

I look through my clear tears
They burn my eyes
I forgot about the oil & salt.

Soap could clean it up.
Yet I wonder, who cleans the soap when it is filth?

I want the dirt to disappear
I want to swipe away the dust
I want to rid myself of disgust,
For whatever I broke inside, me.

How can I forgive when you're the reason I do not want to live?

I have been dying

I would give in
I would crumple
At this point I am not even sure how,

I wallow and swallow down my pain.
I drain myself of all mistakes.
I still drown.

Right when I am on the brink of peace
My mind reminds me:
There is nothing I can do to escape
I am still in myself, at the end of the day.

You don't know her
She is always forgotten

In your memories but soon your lips will only describe her as nondescript

The script of her life
How did she go from being so sweet to rotten
From just nightmares to sleep walking

Sweet ole her
Innocent and pure
Now she is impaired

In the need of refinement
But she doesn't have the strength to try it

You see she is chained to the past
Barely saw her dad
He was mean
Always got the last word

Drunk and abusive
Her mom was an unbloomed tulip
Looked kind but was bitter to her daughter

They'd fight and she would cry at night
She was ashamed of and had extreme anger for mother

How can you watch as she takes hits
Instead of intervening

Police bust down the doors and drag dad to jail
To the homeless shelter we go
No money, no home
It is cold

I barely knew what was going on around me
Refuse to talk to adults because they were all so confusing
And honestly my questions only led to answers that were lies

I had fear in my eye
The things that I had seen
The smoke filled air I'd breathe

Let's not forget the bullies
That talk stuff because I was so "imperfect"

Never had the latest brands
Because mom had no bands

Let's not forget how dad was back again
All hope was drained
She had thoughts of suicide and then a boy came

Walked his way in
She spilled her ink onto his page
He left anyways

Guess her story was too boring

You don't know her
You did at a time

She is nothing but rotten
And only meant to be forgotten

You'll never believe that I am the secrets and you're the words
Just like I don't want to believe I was the ball and you were the bat
What am I even saying
Why am I still writing
These words don't feel the void in my chest
Church says God bless
But then talk down about you
I can attest
I'm drowning in myself
The beast of my mind is consuming me
How much is left
I have no ambition to fight
I'm weak and you'll never know how it feels to be me
No matter how much you relate
You won't know how much I feel it's in vain
Depressing words to match feelings
Dressed in a uniform
Tears roll down my cheeks
Snot dripping nose
All, just leave me alone
Yes I'm broken hearted because the crack was never sealed
And although I act like a cold blooded murderer
I'm the one dying
I'm fading away
You'll never believe that I am the secret and you're the words
The ones I never heard
I don't know myself
Death is stuck in my head
These words you're reading don't mean a thing
Just another broken soul
Probably nothing original
Everyone feels pain
These emotions are cliche
Nothing, still got the same feeling

I am feeling very small
Like I don't need to feel at all
But numbness doesn't last
Only a step in my emotional fall
Give me the luxuries of a queen
And shower me with everything I could've wanted
And I still will not find my happiness
Because everything is as black as coal
As cold as a blizzard
That leaves 11 inches of snow
You can try
With material things
Buy me diamond necklaces and a ring
But it won't mean a thing
If you don't treat me as rare as the accessories and jewels
Money can't buy me love just materials
They have no heart
So you ask me if I'm happy
I reply with a thank you for all you have given
But I've been deprived of love
So my final answer is I'd rather have love than diamond rings
Because to me love is rarer than the most expensive items you can buy
Love is a jewel itself
Show me with actions not a stone
Because my heart is breaking
Due to feeling alone
It's only me and loads of cash
Wishing I had what I needed the most looking back

Is it that bad to love someone you can't have
No wonder I'm dressed in all black

The death of my love
I always fall for the lost ones
I attract what I am
And bam it's magical

Were like an explosion of galaxies
And once everything is at peace an asteroid strikes
I tried to hold on but I'm only burned by the light

So gravity pulls us different ways
Floating around in space

Of course I'm dressed in all black
You skin the goat
I'll gut the cat

I want you back
But you are something I can't have

Chains, *******, slaves
I'm in an unfamiliar place

I can't escape

Ropes bound me to a destiny
I don't want to take
I don't believe in fate

At this rate I'll never be free
Because even when the chains are gone
My mind is still in ******* and my heart is still broken

My brain is still not as wise as I wish it was
Because regardless the damage they did I feel can't be undone

I think I've finally gave up
I'm in an unfamiliar place

I can't escape

What will it take
To break away from pain
I long to see a smile on my face

Smiling seems so simple
Yet when I try it's so hard
Not one of those fake ones
I wanted something genuine

That would make the bubbly feeling last
Until time passed and I fell asleep

Dreaming of beautiful things
Dreaming of being free from pain

Play my card
Cut me up
Destroy me  
I'm already broken
Fill my void with lies
Smack me with insults please
Look me in the eye and tell me how much you hate me
Walking blind
Blood pours out
Losing life
I scream your name
All I hear is your laughs
I'm not angry
Deceit flowing from me
No refunds
So don't bring me a receipt of apologies
They mean nothing
Just take your blades and dice me
I'm just here to make you happy
And all you do is take your knife and stab me

I draw masses with my sadness and you
You drag people with a strong inspiration

I feel more effective
From what I have been told

I will never win
Everything I have started
I have somehow outgrown

He sought to fix me because I was broken
He convinced me that when I was around him
I could put my heart in the open

He noticed it had a hole in it
He sought to make me smile
Make me laugh

As the days passed he just thought I was mad
Honestly he did make me happy
But being cute and bubbly all the time isn't realistic

He told me that all he sought was me
Wether sweet or moody
But that was a lie

He went from adoration to trying to escape and avoid me
He sought to dig me out the dark
But he knew he might only lose himself

He wasn't ready to go that far
Said it was too hard
So he left

Our relationship had taken its toll
We both knew this
I just wasn't ready to let go

He decided to leave
And now I long for him to hold onto me

It's the little things we tend to take for granted

Out on the dock
You asked for my heart
So many times it was torn apart
This one is different
I lied to myself but it was ok
Sometimes smiles minimize pain
Doubt in the back of my mind
I show you my scars
My ocean of secrets
My oasis of truth
My bottles full of past things I never let go
Reopen old wounds for you
Very unconventional
But it was you and you deserved to know
You broke bottle after bottle when I begged you to stop
Tore out my heart and left me dying on the dock
No tears fell from my eyes
You looked into mines, turned around and never took a second glance
But I begged for you to come back and help me
Screamed your name but you ignored
As my blood mixed with the salt in the ocean
I saw into the future
You with another girl
Where was I
Out on the dock
Waiting for something that wasn't going to happen
Unconventional and unintentionally
I cut off anything that could've healed me
Surrounded my self with glass
Bound by the past
Love I couldn't let go of held me back

I'm a girl of stars not hearts
I shine in the dark
Yes I explode cause I can't take the heat
If you need me to I'll repeat
I'm not romantic and yes I can be mean
So cold it burns
Guess you earned the golden heart
But the glitter was just a collage of art
And when you erase
There is nothing left
You see this black mess
It's just a void
I took my crayons and glitter and gold
And tried to decorate my heart and soul
I'm a girl of stars not hearts
Either way I'm torn apart
But I think I'm good I'll just stick to my golden art

I lie when I do not need to
My head hurts when I tell the demons to exit

I do not want to be alone,
Ignoring my fears feels reckless
My body feels neglected

None of it changes
You think my heart would be racing
Its dropping its pace and
I have no clue where im headed

It does not seem right
I dont take it lightly
My life won't end brightly
I've been up nightly
With my thoughts

I am choking
They fight me
Then I shut off
My batteries empty

I stopped feeling like a person
When I became all burnt out
Said I would not fade
But the screams have gone

I was all wrong
I knew I was lying
I could not help it

I seem to be dwelling in shame
I want to leave everything I care for
Its too much to stay

I should go away
The people in my head are fighting
While im all cuddled up by the fears that bite me

The inside is so hollow to touch
I think the world has carved out enough
I don't want to be a pumpkin anymore
I don't want them to look at me as a decoration
But it's just too late...
It's simply already been marked on my face
With your knife
that took the place of a once happy soul

Empty bottomless pit
The death wish
This feeling really won't end.

Have I relapsed into my depression?
Does everything I say have a dark expression?
Am I sleeping too much and not eating enough?

I force a smile and say I'm fine
Oh how I wish truth seeped from my lips
But it's all lie

Empty bottomless pit
My life is full of nothingness
If I vanished no one would notice
Even my soul does not want me

Bless you
I sneezed

Feel the cool breeze
Just what I need to mock my feelings

Depression has found me again
Darkness my old friend
The window let's the light in

I'm hiding
Sleep all day
What a waste
It's just so exhausting to stay awake

I have no obligation to do anything
Is this me giving up?
No... I just needed a break

Nothing will ever be the same
You came just to leave
Want me to trust and believe
It's not an issue I just don't depend

Independence is needed in my life
Otherwise it'd be too obvious that I was never alright

Relapses
Depression has found me again

In that moment I couldn't believe the words you'd spoken to me
Something is wrong you said it thrice
As if you were saying something new about my life
You're really clueless
It's kind of sad
What makes you think I'd tell you my problems
When you're like 20 years older than my 48 year old dad
You can't stop me from drifting away
You can't make me not escape a place I was bound by chains
My feet were not made for shoes
And I refuse to be caged
You can make dust out of my dreams
And it'd be used by fairies

The slate was white and pure
If I've ever seen one before
But my vision is out of focus

I thought you were pink
Switching my views
Realizing it was blood not red ink

Perspective and mindset
You're making me melt
I know it's my own fault I'm placed in this hell

I manipulate all too well
My lies consume the volume of your truth

You want to get close
I'll close the door on you

You sat and screamed
I ignored the alarm and went back to sleep

Or at least you thought I was on snooze
When you snuck in
I winked ...

Still caressing the knife as I clean your sheets
Sweet dreams

Don't talk to me if you're going to treat me like I don't exist
You try to flip the handle, on me?
I'm a lioness, not a snail
Now your skin is turning pale

Sweating, you exhale
I thought you knew
I told you, I wasn't good for you

Too bad you walked into your own ****** scene
The caution tape, yellow and bright
Just like the moon

You should've seen the light
The night you died

I killed you, I know
But you wanted to die

It showed
This was all a game
I have nothing to gain but pain anyways

So I'm dropping you off
Not my fault you scraped your knee
No need for me to point out the fact that you're bleeding

You swooned,
And at that moment
I bagged you.

Duck tape on my soul
Screams I'm not whole
They just give me a hug
Saying you're not alone
This has to be a joke
Watching them blow smoke
I wanna die too
Let me smoke with you
Clouds of grey
Draining my lungs
Cigarettes, addiction and Drugs

Haven't talked for six days
So long to be cut off from the person you love the most
But even when their around the distance can be felt
The air is coated with awkwardness
What are we doing
All of this is pointless
We're both loners who fell in love just to fall out
We both know but in the communication department we are slow
It's just not working out he let me know
It's too hard
His perseverance is all for show
So conceited
He dropped me like trash
But littering isn't a felony
I over exaggerated
I tried to fix the broken but instead got embarrassed
Asked his best friend about him
He said he was just emo
But I'm the one on my period
How am I taking this better than him
I'm also all for show
Surprised I didn't snap
Oh crap it's really over
Told my "friend" but she says to let go of him
All these voices in my ear
None are his
Put my headphones in
The faucet runs through my eyes
My thoughts always have a twist
My brain is such a pessimist
All of this could've been solved
If communication was our resolve
It's over
That was all that needed to be said
No explanation
Everything we had is dead

Although poor
I could offer you riches
And I would stay but
I know eventually you'd shift
So many secrets
My mouth, I'll stitch
Keep it all in
And when everything burns down
I know I am the one
Who will be holding the matches

I've had plenty of experiences with hands
Hands that wave
Hands that hit
Hands that help
To give hints
Hands that are kind
Hands that are mean
All the different ways we use our hands
Hands to welcome
Hands to ban
Another gift from God given to man

When the sun doesn't shine
And the rain won't oblige
And I've wasted my time

Feeling I've made a mistake
My heart can no longer take life

When my soul can't catch up to me anymore
And when I crash

When I dash past the warnings
And end up hurt

Where will you be?

You're disappearing
How can you expect me to call you a friend of mines
When you just turn a blind eye to all the troubles in my life

You reappear when the sky is clear
Yes you are loud
But your actions resound

Contradicting every word that comes out your mouth

Tears drop for the absence of my emotions
Unrequited love is a powerful potion

When I see them there is just this empty feeling
Lonliness gnaws at my pillow
Though I am willing

To find another love.

Sleepless nights wipe my eyes
I never had this problem before I knew what it was like

To have someone stand by my side.

No remedy found
There is no cure to this curse

To reverse the remains of a void.

Shattered
Stuck in oblivion
Naive girl
Unprepared for the world

Would you protect me if you could?
Would you answer if I called?
Would I never have to leave a voicemail message?
Could I get past depression?
Would you catch me from a building top
If I was to fall
Or would you be like my mom
Stand there and watch it all?

I remember a dream I had that stayed with me
I never knew what it meant
Although it put me at unease
It was a sunny day and I was awake and smiling
It was all normal until the bed I slept on came to life
It set up a table and poured some tea
With both sipped and ate small sandwhiches while chatting
All of a sudden it got angry
In the end it ate me
I awoke, and what seemed insignificant was a nightmare to me
After 10 years of wondering
I've finally came to my conclusion
I can be happy
But that won't stop the world from trying to devour my smile
And I'd never see it coming
Because the person to carry the mischief through
Would be the one I got comfortable with
And depended on
But it'd be my fault because I was the one who made the bed
The thoughts would eat me away
All they did was set the table and cut the bread
Never knew until the day
Where all the cards fell in place

And by the end of the day he is indifferent
and she is in pieces

By the end of the day they are happy
and the future is ready

By the end of the day the book is set
but life is unsteady

By the end of the day my thoughts
are more alive than I

Vividly paint my life inside my mind

You are the happiness I hide behind

And now you are running away from me

I'll pass out this time
but there are no splashes of green

Thanks for bringing what you had to offer
and then snatching it away from me

By the end of the day the only thing on my mind
is the nostalgic moments you gave me

I had my head in the future
but I am currently caught up in the now

You are my Carnation

A flower, so grow wild

I wanna see you smile

Smile through the blood of this haunted house
Laugh at the dead mouse
Get out GET OUT

Of my head.

You know what hurts
That we ignore all the wrong things
Nothing is real until It effects us personally
Society is so messed up
But why complain
What will it change?
Nothing
In a way we're all the same
They try to separate us
You wanna be different sure
But you aren't
Every feeling you have has already been felt
All the rotten tragedies and the historical comedies have been acted out
You know what hurts
How everyone I know
Doesn't know me
Guess staying in a shell has some consequences
But when you're outgoing you are desperate
How do you win
What is the point of all of this
Who will stay strong and who will give in
You know what hurts
How lonely people feel like they only exist when somebody else needs something and the one person who wasn't trying to use them gets pushed away
You know what hurts
How we will chase somebody who doesn't love us back ignoring the person who will treat us way better
You know what hurts
Life
Experiences with desire
Also strife
Cold nights
Warm days
Sweet Champagne
Wine
Sour grapes

You can not cure my intoxication
If all you know is CPR
You're trying to do the heimlich
I'm not even aware of where we are

And to think you think you can help
Ignites the rushing blood in me

I swallowed all the poison
So I would not see

As it pours out my mouth
And my life is choked up

The sun rises over the bay
As my eyes flutter I know

I will never have to see her again
That's all that matters

As I lie on the ground
And feel the cold earth I will join

I cannot speak
Everything hurts
This is the most my pain has ever been worth

One tries to save me, but it's too late
I ate off the feasting plate

I ate at the queen of the festivals table
I love her and long to be able

To be in the moment once more
I know it won't happen.
So here's my reaction

My action to the action
Of her death in my life.

I don't know what is honestly wrong with me
He said that's because there is nothing wrong
You're perfect
As much as I want to believe those words
I know it's not true
It hurts badly because if there was nothing wrong
What was his reason for leaving
It was completely by choice
And I feel like when people say they love me
They're just deceiving
That's why I can never make myself say it back
If I admit it that's proof I'm probably attached
Latched onto them
And then they leave
Where does that put me
I'm lost and I don't know where I'm headed
And it's all because I'm stuck in the question of
Will I ever have real love
Because what's love
When its one sided
It's nothing but pain
It's like you love but it's all in vain
I don't know what's honestly wrong with me
He said that's because there is nothing wrong
You're perfect
I love you
It was all just a ruse he used to trick me
But he didn't get what he wanted
And no matter how much he denies it
I know it's the truth
If there is nothing wrong with me
Why did he leave
And why can't he give me a real reason
I can never say I love you too
Because to me it's all one big lie
I tried to love
Even with broken pieces
But what good does it do
When the other person doesn't love you

I regurgitate all the cringey moments of pain I felt for some pompous fool...
I thought you were gone.

Not getting caught up in the cyclone of infatuation, was useful
Cruel treacherous whispers for a time
Until the next drama is pulled from the side lines,
Guess I was wrong.

Your off in the corner drifting off...
Into daydreams about me
While I think it's astounding
You could feel anything after drilling your screws into my head

Echoing screams you turned your back on,
Now you're wondering how I'm doing,
Digging up old feelings,
You must really want to **** me,
Seeing you won't leave until you have every piece

Forefront or unseen
I disappeared for a year
Screenplay
Action, were on, scene.

Will I get caught in a hurricane of forgetting
And living in a fairytale prairie?

Where you go pick daisies from the grasslands wishing with the intention of giving,
Pleading,

Attempting to do so in secrecy
While I await an apology
That is never coming.

You...
Are not easy to appease and quite unsweet
(Special to me)

You...
Are the red ball my mother said it is dangerous to play with
(A world unrevealed)

Yet, I'm drawn to your bitterness
It makes me feel canny.

There's nothing more I love than candy
I mean I would be dandy with an outstanding quantity
Somehow still unequal to the flavor of you

You...
Who pulls my tail and teases my senses
(Convince me my pain is not real)

You...
Are the personified insatiable
And complacency is dullified when you are on my mind

This is my inept attempt to explain
I want to drown in the aroma that is you

Lose my fingers in your skin
Awakening your phobias in hopes I'll forget, my own.

Smear my lips near your hips
And you'll remind me
I only want you because I am not supposed to

You...
Are the olive taste I can not replace
I want to spit you out like gum,
But it would be so futile to.
(For I love you)

My heart just vomited
I can feel the words coming up my throat
Talk to you
I shouldn't but I know I will
I'm always so weak
Who knew the thing I chose to be my reason to live
Would also be the reason I'm breaking again
I want to flush your memory down the toilet
You're at a distant pace
Maybe I'm just too clingy
Maybe we need the space
I'm being persistent in my unstable ways
It's best for me to be alone
But you're my last glimpse of hope
That's why it's so hard to let you go
But I know I have to

She walks alone
No one knows her path
Confusion and uncertainty sit in her lap
The air is her acquaintance,
Feel the breeze
The weather is her comfort,
It never leaves
In need of inspiration,
She looks to the trees
They stand strong in the fall even though they lose their leafs
She writes poetry in hope one day the person it was written for will read
Friends has become nothing more than another meaningless word
She is a loner at heart
Her ways might not be the wisest
But she is still trying to play it smart
Why reopen a wound?
It will only be made deeper
With no bandaid to cover
The loss of another
Get an infection
That needs to be removed
And the reason she opened it will be only a mere memory
She needs a remedy
She walks alone
No one knows her path
She has no friends
Confusion and uncertainty sit in her lap
She is just another outcast

Please fill me with love before I flatline
Filtered and withered,
I sigh

Masks are a cancer flooding my blood stream
Staining my skin
Leaving me philosophizing
Over why I'm still living

It feels like I have to end me
Because nothing will mend me

I tried to speak, but the ambivalence outstretched to my throat before it could connect
The message to your screen

Drifting from myself
Forlorn shreds
I won't scream

I only know how to suppress
I've been submerged into thoughts of depression
Due to all I have been neglecting

This is the pain express
Toot my horn and come aboard
If you have the qualifications your reward granted
Is beyond explored

You'll wield power beyond any galaxies in space
Knowing what exist and how to get to what is sick
In order to remedy it

I stopped carrying life the second you dropped that glass
Emptied out
The vacancy poisoned my plasma to vast degrees

Attempting to finally earn a little more than lack of words from the past
The bruises are firm but the alert fluctuates in my brain  
While I wait
To find a cure for what I hate

Oscillating between extremes
I'm not sure who I want to be in this story.

Don't stop when life gives you the red light
Although it always depends on what the situation is
Hold on tight when you feel your motivation slip
Control your own life
Don't let others rule over it
Sometimes you'll think you're all alone
Or you feel that way
No friends
No fans
No supporters
Just no one there
In your mind it's like I'm done
I can't do this
But you can,
You choose not to
The first step is to believe
If you give up on yourself
No one else can really pull you out
Is this your underachievement scheme
Don't stop when life gives you red lights
And don't over do it
Hold onto your insight
When it appears everyone doubts you
And you have no clear path
Raise your head
Put a smile on your face
Embrace yourself
And don't look back
Say I am my own motivation today
Because that my friends is what self determination truly is

I realized
The truth hides behind the beauty of lies

We walked downtown
Around in circles we went
You slid your hand into mines and we held them up high

Strong together, stronger apart
Both dealing with seperate demons
Waiting to be torn

I wanted nothing more,
Than to walk with you again
You wanted nothing more,
Than to escape my presence

Your secret hideout
Your new friends, the dragons
My little hole in the wall
And a tin can of spit

Running towards me,
Your sight piercing through my eyes
It was never a surprise when you left
I just dreaded the department

You got onto my favorite ride and waved at me
I couldn't speak

The music played over and over in my head
And the spinning record led ...

Lead me to your dungeon where all the magic is made
My heart bombed by a gernade
There are no pieces left

Just my hole in the wall
My hole in your dungeon of falls

I wanted to bring you up,
but you let me down
You wanted to get away,
but I wanted to keep you around.

Reading old text messages
That should've been deleted
My tears have finally depleted
Never got revenge on him
For all the pain he caused
Part of me still wishes
We were involved
Thinking of the past
Thinking of now
Reading old poems
Speaking my truth aloud
I am not still in love with him
I am in love with a memory
And I want what we used to be
Before the bitter things
I had a dream of fluffy blue and pink
Sweet and sticky
I had a cotton candy dream
Everything was fine until I woke up to reality
Thinking of the past
Thinking of now
Reading old poems
Speaking my truth aloud
I am not still in love with him
I am in love with a memory
I want what we used to be
Before the bitter things
Before I woke up from the cotton candy dream
When everything was still sweet

She is content with what she has but I always want more
I'm not myself
The poor are in need of necessities that will finally be enough
Dreams of being the next big thing
Fill my cup
Asking for more and more
But with wealth comes greed
These are the warnings we don't heed when asking for what we wanted

Today it rained
As if to mock the pain of the day
I knew I was alone and had no friends
But to have the evidence smack me in the face
Was another thing
I knew but I wasn't prepared
They claimed they loved me but would they care if I was dead
I'm overthinking
Thoughts get out of my head
No one cares about my life
So why would they care about my death
Of course I won't be the reason I die
Because then my soul would be in an eternal hell
Unlike here there will be no bail
ill judgement was passed
Yesterday I was on top of the world
Today I just crashed
They say the day you enter the world is the most painful of your life
And we don't even remember
But who would
No one asked for this we're just here
Just like my unwanted tears

I wonder what'd it be like to find my own body sprawled out in the kitchen
Another tragedy that could've been prevented
If the dumb girl had just vented
But honestly no one would listen
People would think she was crazy
And no one was guaranteed to keep her secrets
Too judge mental
She didn't need this
I wonder what'd it be like knowing the last thing you said was bye
And then find my slit wrists and blood on the floor tonight
I'm trying to stay strong
I know taking my life is wrong
Trying to convince myself I have too many reasons to live
But my brain is an active pessimist
It won't assist
She just wants to insist
My heart wants me to give in
My soul is trying to escape
She said that she wouldn't leave but it's too messy to stay
She needs to be cleansed
She is covered in dirt from being locked in the bin
Contemplating ending my own life
I hate pain but that'll end all
Watch my own body fall
Red rivers flow from my wrists
I wonder what'd it be like to find my own body sprawled out in the kitchen
Yet another tragedy that could've been prevented
But I don't want to talk
And they don't care enough to listen

As I'm sleeping through the night
I'll forget all my dreams
But I can't forget the nightmares of my reality
The eloquence of this frequent pet peeve that's bothering me
You and your fancy words
Your knowledge makes me think
How long before everything goes to my head and it's too foggy to see
How far am I willing to sink
And this water I drink
It will never fill my glass
Cause as the hours pass I get less and less
The emptiness grows
And sand falls from my bones
I'm bound to be overthrown and it's fore-taken
By the demons I'm shaken
This thing that I'm trying to make always falls apart
and each time
It snatches away a spot of hope
That was too dehydrated to ever grow

Protect me from what's haunting me
These shivers,
Use your glitter and make me sparkle again
I don't wanna be different
Cause if we are all different we're the same
You're stuck in your ways, hurting me
So I ask for protection over my heart
As thoughts float through the dark
I mope at the boat that never sailed
And as I exhale you reply
But I've had it with your ways
As I close the door of all care
Your face appears there and I think
I could never really leave such a good thing
Even if it will be the end of me at least you'll know
I'll stay safe in the Icelandic snow

I don't think of you as an ex nor a friend
I don't think of you as a lover or a foe
I don't think of you as stranger but you're certainly not nothing
You are just
Someone that once meant everything

It's happening again
And all I can do is fall in
Don't try to catch me you'll slip

Because my dreams are a void
and the floor drips
Drips of shot down hopes and slit wrist

Of all the lost friends and abusive
Of all the secrets I tie at dawn
Of everything I bottle inside and seal away
Of everything I've ever told anyone
Of prized lies and the brutal truth
Of what I thought was love

Dripping with all the people I knew
My neck in a rope
The smoke fills my nose
But is it worth it

This feeling doesn't last forever
Neither does the pain
but my reality says
I'll just keep battling in vain

Will I float or become one with the ocean floor
I don't know anymore

Will I tick or cave in
Or, will I just become another memory
dripping from your faucet