You say trust is paper thin
Rice paper fragility
Can not withstand the nature.
Perhaps, not a single soul knows better
How much wind yours can withhold
Not suited for a desperate grip
But would do well for a masterpiece.
I find faith at the bottom of vulnerability
Decision to live on with fears of failure
I expose vulnerability to the sun
I take off the mask and let the skinless
Breathe... freak out the type A manekens
Fallible oh so human so imperfect
Yet I take pride in being friends with truth
This road is desolate but it FEELS....
I am suspicious too, ready to catch
Another on mixing some BS into the storyline
I'd rather take on heartless than too weak to see
Immaculate pretence I find it hard not to spit on.
SO if you could share one truth
That in your mind raised no doubt
Be it the truth of a destined psychopath
Or fallen martyr
If today was the last day to live
Would you share your truth with me?

If you only could
Allow yourself to
Be who you truly are
You would not wish
To **** the world
Sad so very sad

Waters of two oceans crushing
Wave against the wave
Merging into a chaotic current
Spinning into a vortex
Two hands reaching for each other
Losing the sense of skin
Pulled underneath each other's
Lethal boundaries feeling
Feeling stronger
Yet stronger
And then no more
Eyes like waves crashing against each other
And finding no bottom
This is a free fall out of
Anything which can be controlled
The love isn't love
When it calls for a mirror image
Longing cannot be filled
By cutting out pieces of each other
That don't suit the reflection
The desire to get lost in another
Is the ultimate danger

In between the Milky Way and the black holes
Of the universe inside of this ever expanding mind
Growing only to see itself ever smaller
Humbled truth feels the most
Adoring
The fragile perfection of sparkles inside the morning dew
And the mind flows in all directions and thoughts
So random but in this infinite state
Logic is only a string you use to control the
Beads of experience and sometimes it helps
And in other times you get a glimpse
Of something unfathomably familiar
And you know that no matter how much Blessings you gathered in life
Without a contact it left an empty space
Or was it there since before the beginning
What DO I know in fact that cancels the
Clarity of the feeling that through a sideways
Glimpse I captured a snapshot of home
In the strangest of places
All this rumbiling cacophony of worlds
Yet again fails to explain
The absence of logic in something
That is beyond logic for it is
The meaning
And despite it all
Life goes on
You play your part
The way you must
The way you feel
And you still know so little
Feeling the truth on the periphery

It is
And it's changing
The wind into summer shower
Into mushrooms and birds mouth
From river to the sewer
It is and it's changing
From dark to light to dim with
Speckles of sun born by the
Mirror in you childlike hand
You are catching dust bunnies
Sneezing and laughing
And the dirt could be followed by magic
And the kiss isn't greased by the notion
Of sin and the sin is only a word from the book
Death and insanity
Are frightening and profound
Your world is built from
No buts but ands
And they flow into peace
Just as well as the film of oil
On the ***** puddle
Astonishes you with
An iridescent rainbow
Duality is born by fear
You split and separate so
Caught up in the survival game
To keep that face and partake
Of wealth and fame
Empty is locked in the dungeon
And the words interlock
In plain patterns
Yet alive as they produce sounds
And the smell of tangerines
On a tree by the coast of Sicily
Reminds you of the day
When you could still enjoy
The warmth of sun
It absorbed into its juicy flesh
And there's no need to run
No need to stay
No need to cut off the ties
When life offers you more
And the heat and cold are feelings
That gets names as they replace each other
As they flow unstoppable
Dripping reactions
Burning like acid and smooth like milk
All in one glass
And when you have no thoughts
Ask questions
And when you feel the pain
Stay present and consider humanity

Clarity diluted
By the lack of course
I leave you to reflect
On your reflection
Utter confusion and all
Alone with your books
On how to be human
Your sorrows for the lost hell
Your despair at how to
Reach the state of complete degradation
And your fearful illusion
Of fire projected
Onto the blue of the sky
Reaching out for it
Seeking unity only
To blame it for a rain
How much more energy
Will I poor down this drain
To prove myself wrong

Throwing a bomb at you
Through a wall of best wishes
For your wellbeing and healthy diet

Can't hold the fury at the lost child
Banging at my door long and desperately
Looking at me with a glimmer
Of spite in her hungry eyes.
Come in, dear, have some tea
I am hungry too, not a solitary creature
Not too strong, in and out of utter confusion
Feeling pull of something behind the clouds
Not sure what, I know you disbelieve
So do I, but then I feel the presence
Your presence speaks of mystery
More than any bible ever written
I look down the wells of your eyes
And I find my tears
I hear them in your breath
It pains me, truly, pains to
Know how small I am
To change what needs to change
Not even myself
Cannot dull the need to look
At strangers' eyes a second too long
Ask a question a word too heavy
I like your honesty, your sincere
Sarcasm, thoroughly felt and deeply sad
I know it's there, I feel your sadness
And if you can believe me for a second
It is the taste of meaning, salty like pain
You have it in you,
Not the emptiness I could not forget
But the search of an honest reflection
Ability to truly see another set of eyes
Intelligence peering through a mask
Of damaged heritage
I lack the words my girl,
Insufficient blather
Not mad, I accept you
Exactly as you are
And all I wish for
Is for you to see me as I am
And if I you wish to leave
The door is always open
As it will remain

Hello halo
Up there where I can't see
How absurd you become
In days like these
Or is it you naughty sense of humor?
Was I your mother
Would have put you to stand in the corner
For a few
Why give me a rational brain
To **** me
With emotions?
Would be better of as a fish
Or a bird
Not thinking not comparing myself
To the rest of my kind
My kind that was never truly
Mine
Why make me feel other people's feelings
Loosing myself beyond the point
Of no return
Thank you for my profession
Otherwise I'd be sharing the room with those I treat
How do you suggest I pull away?
From the mess of other worlds I feel inside
No one can understand but many believe...
And if that was not enough why this encounter
With shadow that will never leave
Strange fantasy that could not seize
As if a powerful storm that became my life
Something that sank down to the core
In an instant before I even realized
Yet storm would be easier to comprehend
Too much feeling and unexplainable
Knowing taking control
Over the remains of my poor rationality
That all I want lately
Is to switch it all off
Into oblivion

Hectic morning
Lovingly frustrating
Adrenaline rush as ever
My edgy morning self
Not enough songs
Then choices vetoed
It's frozen again
Letting it go before I lose my mind
Crepes for breakfast black tea
Lunch boxes unbrushed teeth
Morning kisses goodbye
Comfortable smooches and a shot of warmth
From ever caring husband
Simple
Then rush to the doctor
Cute middle eastern girl
Head wrap so feminine
Young slender body
Pretty smile
Innocently talking me into full check
With dermatologist
Hell why not
Oh man
Young man
Oh man don't you ******* flirt with me
Before removing my gown
Oh ****
Flashback 10 years ago
How I hated those ******* ***** faces
Flashback public pool in turkey
Eleven years old
Some blue eyed *******
Out stretching his limbs
In a most perversely uncomfortable way
Pretending it's a game
Then rushing to share with friends
Here laughing
Hello to my first adrenaline rush
Ashamed to tell my parents
I'm still here
He is a doctor isn't he?
No worries
He's covered by insurance
******* middle eastern beach
Need a drink
Waiter flirting
Stop looking me in the eye
You old looser
Am I hot?
******* ******* for asking that question
With that ******* expression
Adrenaline is still here
Here to stay because it's nice to be nice
And how I hate those ******* guys

Sometimes a caring feeling
Isn't enough to hold the boat afloat
The sea has to have its current to
Keep things moving
With waves asking questions
And wails curious enough
To look inside at what the sailor gathered
With wind willing to give direction
interaction... Inter action... Action

**** was I ever involved into something
That felt a bit more meaningful
Than day after day after day spinning this wheel
Like a **** idiotic squirrel
But I sure can face paint for three hours
At some god forsaken block party
Simply not to engage into any shallow conversations
Eat a full meal
And get lice...
Yes, it wasn't a misspelled
Love
Could someone come scratch my head please?

Merry Christmas
Have a drink
To giving without receiving
For nothing feels better
Than sharing your humanity

I am sipping drop by drop whatever comes
This cup of destiny and accident
From this air emerges every cell
Of my body and into the dirt it will decay
In its due time without regrets
What loneliness feels like when held
On the open palm of your mind
Like a black hole unimaginable
Overwhelming hurt composed of illusion
That chains of our minds
Imagining connections
To last longer than lifetime
And into that black hole you will
Fall when you seek the tangible
Image to hold up your name
Emptiness and void
So human so feared yet
So nourishing like your mothers womb
Dark solitary primordial essence
Of absolute peace
Drink it up and let go

drawn inside the mysterious wind
never friendship but string that keeps pulling
cage is empty the bird stopped to sing
small dull uninspired feeling enduring
disconnection that kills most painfully
only presence fills in the cracks
so I sip from the cup of confusion
drawing truth from the chilling abyss
gathering scattered beads of your thoughts
into a warm pouch of my mind
hoping to string them all back together
one day
but ****, those slippery things

There’s always ****, misery and deep conversations

What piece is left
When all is pointless
But silence and
A feeling of a gaping hole
Inside your stomach
The one that hides
Your dread
Of wasted life
Buried beneath
Mounds of heart shaped
Illusions
And truth there is one
Metamorphosis
Denied her right to change
Or fear of moving on
Lost in the dark space
Of your condemned mind

You may spill your secrets
Like the beads of the amulet necklace
And I pick them up submitting to what I know
Is purpose since before the dawn of separateness
I am a gypsy, the healer,
I see beyond what you know
Beyond rational I feel with precision
The gift of insight from beyond
The power that spills over
I am yet to learn how to hold
It's reigns
Of my own eyes that strike and scare
As a judgement you would write above
Your own grave
You are a lost soul
Who seek answers in me
I get lost under this projected weight
But at the bottom of your eyes I find the answer
To my purpose and I know your essence
Better than I know mine - the tormenting question mark of it
And I can only find peace if I give you
What universe wants to give
So free the illusion I am not here to romance
But to serve my purpose
Which I doubt but cannot deny
And until it is fulfilled
I am filled to the brim
With unknown

For goodness sake why evil
If even true villain prefers to hide
Behind a priests disguise
Why cutting vein that held your
Weight and serpentine glare is
Glued to the bottom of the eyes where soul resided
Now childlike and afraid
What transformation
Miraculous awakening
Yet again, why evil?

Dear fear you are the air
I breathe as I tear my face off the pillow soaked
With dreams  of worry
You embrace me with all the meaninglessness
There is to the lethality of this game
Fear to hurt, to be hurt
To be too quick and not quick enough
To be disconnected and connected way too much
I drink you like a daily cup of poison
Like a morning vitamin that reminds me
Nothing is quite how it should
Not yet not enough not what it has to be
Fear of loosing the path
That was never found
And there isn't a way to know
And there isn't really a path
But what if it gets lost
Before it's ever felt
And what if it was felt
But the cup is full yet again
And what if nothing happens at all
If i dissolve into someone who
Isn't poisoned by your awakening
One step at a time you say
And I agree
And yet each morning
I wake to a cup of coffee and a pillow
Soaked with fear

So strange how language can fall apart
Like pieces of a broken puzzle,
Double sided and colored by
Trust or lack of it,
Love or fear
Strange is a word
All perceive from a window
Of their own unique bubble
So when peering outside we are still
Split atoms of a mass
That has no certainty
It ever existed

Like air to suffocation water to a spark and mountain peak to the ocean's depths
Darkness would cease its grip not held by light to its meaning  
Like black and white polarities attract exchanged each other's eyes to bind into inseparable vision
Ancient circle the sign of creation
Unity of two without another only abundance of insufficient, lifeless
Fatally boring
The truth is in between where opposites attract, combust, produce, transcend
Fragile and imperfect HUMANITY
Oh so real, so full of feeling, so alive and vital
Covered with sweat, tears and blood
Smiling to the chirping of a bird
Hopeful until the last exhale
Evil and compassion, two tails spinning around each other
A road going uphill goes down all the same
Oh how terribly disorienting this existence without absolutes
This reality outside boundaries
So yin invites the yang for lifetime's waltz
And cocktail of blue skies' joy and broken sorrow
They drink on Bruderschaft
And scream ALIVE

Тяжело и прискорбно мне видеть,
Как мой брат погибает родной.
И стараюсь я всех ненавидеть,
Кто враждует с его тишиной.

Посмотри, как он трудится в поле,
Пашет твердую землю сохой,
И послушай ты песни про горе,
Что поет он, идя бороздой.

Или нет в тебе жалости нежной
Ко страдальцу сохи с бороной?
Видишь гибель ты сам неизбежной,
А проходишь его стороной.

Помоги же бороться с неволей,
Залитою вином, и с нуждой!
Иль не слышишь, он плачется долей
В своей песне, идя бороздой?
1912